I woke up at 10:30 this morning a little headachy and phlegmy. I had five units of cabernet last night with Capri cigs. I took my Passages supplements and I feel pretty calm. I have a glass bottle of water here. Did laundry, fed the cats. The cute eating machines. I'm just happy that my 15-ur old tabby eats like crazy. He got skinny real quickly and he may have a thyroid. Not feeling too guilty this time, I'm just back on the smober horse. What new thing can I promise you? To have a phone list to call for help when I'm craving, a new goal, carry my worksheets with me always? I could jot everything down in my iPhone. Well time for a vegan breakfast of steamed veggies and a nut burger with guacamole. I hope it snows today!

~Smobergirl

Erase that!

Holy cow, just what happened to intoxicated me?

I googled Passages Malibu, and found "Passages Malibu Scam". I looked that up, and it said, oh dear, they charge $68,550 for a one month session and don't do it, even though the owner's son went through heroin addiction for 10 years, blah blah blah. So I called Passages myself just now. I got the receptionist, and I just asked how much a one-month long session was, and she said she'd forward me to an expert. Great. I'm going to talk to a quack who will give me a great sales pitch. Then I get a familiar voice. "Hello, this is Chris." It's the owner! I recognized his voice from the CDs!! I said, "HI. I just have one question. How much do you charge for a one-month session?" "Well ____" He found my last name. How? And funny that he calls me by my last name. He says a month session is $78,000 and if you get therapy at a nearby facility without his and his son's help it's $38,000. From the horse's mouth. My 2008 Subaru costs $25,000. Then he asks who's it for. On the top of my head I lied and said it's for my 32-yr old cousin. I'm 38. "That's young!" He says. "What is she addicted to?" Alcohol and cigarettes. "You know, the cigarettes are worse than the alcohol. But I bet she can't do one without the other." Which is true in my case. "We have the best experts in the country who can help her with that. Thanks for calling, ____(my last name). Have a good night". Wow. Chris Prentiss in the audio flesh. $78,000. That's probably about the Porsche I want or an RV. $78,000. I was expecting $3,000 which my parents could throw down for me. Seventy-eight THOUSAND DOLLARS. I could do so many things more with that. Go to Europe and see my friends 70 times. Go around the globe. Buy an electric car or two. Feed Ethiopia. Shit! According to Chris' $8.99 iPhone book I can fix myself if I get a therapist, a medic, and an acupuncture guy or gal. That would add up to oh, $1,000-$5,000 maybe in a month? Holy crap. That makes Anthony Robbins sound cheap. $78,000. Wow. Do I get a diamond ring with that? Sorry. I'm buzzed and I know I'm not on heroin, cocaine, or anything else harsher than what I am doing. What I did get from the book and $39 CD is that alcohol is ethanol, which scars your liver. And I've seen it in the art show Bodyworlds, which came to my town last year. It is art in the form of cadavers, but also shows a black lung, fatty liver, and a cirrhosis liver which was shrunken and had scars all over it. Chris Prentiss of Passages said ethanol burns the liver, leaving scars. I should ask my nutrition teach about that also. I seems true. But unfortunately the exhibit did not leave a mark on me, which I wish it should have. I am still young and maybe I should had told Chris it was me with the problem. But $78,000? If I spent $2000 on cigs and wine per year since 1995, that would be...$28,000! Wow. But is it worth almost 4-fold more? $28,000. Is that right? That's a good car. Well, in the morning I will kick myself again. Some people will think that's not a big deal, but it is to me. In a Passages CD ($78,000????) Chris said that negative feelings beget more negative neurotransmitters in the brain, and positive feelings bring more positive in the brain. So, if this is true, if I stop thinking, "Poor me, I'm a trust fund baby who is immensely creative but feels inadequate and 'stupid', then I will continue to feel so." But if I "fake it 'till I make it". Like Baron Baptiste says, then I will become successful. And more than that, If what Chris and his son Pax Prentiss says is true, that "If you are a junkie and you stop, your life will be greater than those who have never used in the first place". Is this true? One: Look at Mormons' Donny and Marie Osmond. Both have had great successes yet hardships. Marie was divorced twice. Donny seems to be doing well but has performing issues with Dancing With The Stars. I think it's the sugar too many Mormons eat in place of drugs. That's just me. But look at them, still more successful than alchie me. Then look at Robert Downey Jr.. Junkie for many years. A little successful being an actor in the 80s but not as popular as Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Crier, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Demi Moore, or Andrew McCarthy. Gets arrested for many a drug occasion, cleans up, gets arrested again. Cleans up for good this time in the 90's and he is praised for the main role in "Chaplin". Then falls again. Then he's featured in SPIN Magazine in 2001, divorced, but clean. Then in 2002 he's arrested again. Cleans up for the last time, does some more movies and the feature character in an Elton John music video...then...VIOLA! After four years sober gets the Iron Man role. And look at him now. He also did a spectacular job in the 2007 pic "Tropic Thunder", which this American dude plays an Australian dude playing a black dude. He's been clean ever since. Look at him now. Iron Man II is in the works and he did that film about another black dude, Jaime Foxx in "The Soloist" and "Sherlock Holmes" will come out Christmas Day. This man was a huge junkie who got into a lot of legal trouble, plenty of jail time, and lost his wife. But look at him now! I only use wine and cigarettes, but a copious amount, and got two DUIs, and only served 48 hours jail time. Robert spent way more than that in jail. So can I compare myself? Can I hope if I clean up I can be as great as he?

Bon Nuit.

Smobergirl tomorrow.

Oops I did it again.

Should I feel ashamed? It's been three months and two days since I started this blog. I thought it would save my life. I said I have done everything except for rehab. I do not have the time, well I can make the time but I do not want to put my life on hold to spend 1 to 3 months in a rehab. If I did, it would probably be Passages. Actually that is something to think about. I can not go to school next semester and come out to my mother again, who does not know what to give me for Christmas, but then there is the issue who can take care of my cats for a month. Can I take them to Malibu with me to the center? That could be an adventure if I could. Then I'd have to tell my father. I think he'd understand. A month is only four weeks come or go if you think about it. I'd go In January and come back for my Mom's gourd festival in February in AZ. The station, well, I'd have to talk to them and have about four weeks off. I can have a popular Utah artist or another jock fill in for me at that time. Hmmm. That is something to think about. Thank God this isn't the corporate station I worked for. This company seems to be much more lenient and empathetic.

I will do this and just you wait, Henry Higgins.

Love,

To be Smobergirl

Uh oh...late night snack...

1/2 baked sweet potato, cut into fries, with olive oil and cayenne salt dipped in Vegenaise and Annie's Naturals BBQ Sauce. I have absolutely no regrets.

~Smobergirl

Another day smober!

That was easy because I timed out my day. Maybe that would be wise, to plan what to do each hour of every night. I went to gallery stroll at 5, and the free food wasn't going to appear at that particular gallery until 6, so I went to Sage's and had a delicious vegan shitake mushroom stir fry....and a vegan chocolate peanut butter shake. I was good and drank only 8 of the 16 ounces. Then I went to some other galleries and funky shops participating and found some good stocking stuffers. One was the Mormon Kama Sutra. Oh yes. It is new and illustrated by long-time Utah cartoonist Pat Bagley. Hysterical! Now I'm in bed with the report. Tomorrow night I plan to see the light ceremony (they are doing it a week earlier this year instead of the day after Thankgiving) then go to a friend's birthday party. This friend of mine knows about my smober goals.

Bon nuit!

~Smobergirl

Awesome Fall day!

I went in-line skating at Liberty Park today before my guitar lesson. It was fantastic. I have to work out to get my endorphins up as well as to stay fit. I picked up some nice pine cones on the skate. Now I'm having a veggie sandwich at Nostalgia Cafe on 1st. Then I will study prenatal nutrition for my class, take a shower, and hit gallery stroll!

Unfortunately it's also waste my money week. LOL. I spent a bit for Christmas presents yesterday due to distract a crave, then I spent that exact amount that night on a traffic ticket! Noooooooo. I turned left at a construction zone with a no left turn sign. Bugger. Then today I got sucked in to internet shopping. The holiday deals are frickin' dangerous! Then I find on Facebook that one of my holistic therapists has come out with the book, "Veganism For Dummies". Do I need it? No. But I want it. You know, I know my vegan facts pretty well. I think I'll just go to the B&N and thumb through it. I've done enough damage for two days. I have saved about $60 to $90 in the last week on evil vices. LAWL I have spent more, but everyone has their rules. I can afford it now, and one shopping spree was due to a crave; and I don't shop EVERY time I am craving. So maybe I'm being bad. I'm not smoking or drinking, and I am allowing myself to go crazy for a while. But I can't keep relapsing or I will keep going crazy!!

Okay sammich was awesome. Time for a quick study, a hot shower, and Gallery stroll! I'll just have free dinner tonight at the galleries. Muahahah.

~Smobergirl

day eight

It's going to be a good one. Got my small iced coffee in hand after drinking 12 ounces of water. It's warmer than usual and the sun is out. I haven't been to Koko's in years so I'm going there for lunch. It's a healthy Japanese joint. KRCL is playing jammin' tunes today. I have a guitar lesson at 2. Then Gallery Stroll is tonight. That's every Friday evening of each month. Galleries in Salt Lake feature new art, and sometimes free nibbles and live music. I always go and have a blast. Have a great Friday!

Like Ganesh, I can break through all obstacles.

Smobergirl