Good morning! It's seven months and three days until my brother's wedding, I think. Ideally I'd like to quit iced coffee in s month. For now I like to lean on it (obviously) as a wine and cig substitute. I am only drinking the less-acid kind I make at home, and I'm mixing it with Teechino and soy milk. I just went to The Tea Grotto in Sugarhouse and got some oolong tea.I am in good spirits today. The sun helps. But it's still freezing. Gotta do guitar, more school reading, workout, and French today. I have a free movie ticket, maybe I will use that tonight. Last night I went to a vegan cafe, had "buffalo wings" and listened to the owner play reggae on vinyl. Good times.

I am a big mess. A big terrible mess. On my show today I think it will be more music less talk. I need to get myself together. I was in a buisiness with a lot of rejection involved. I was the 'weird kid' in grade school. So what? I have to stop whining. I have tons of fans and friends who don't think I'm screwed up. I am just being normal, like a lot of people get to a certain age and think they have accomplished nothing. That's a very destructive thing to do.

So I found a cafe where no one will find me. Ha ha. I'm having a comforting hot tea and warm food is coming. I want to move to Vancouver. I kinda want to put that bag over my head. I think I'm just giving up. When the shakes go away I'll start working out again. That is great medicine. The people who I annoy, well most, know my true character and know that I'm just going through some rough patches. I need to ingrain this in my head: I cannot control alcohol. I have a strong personality and I keep thinking I can have two glasses of wine at home. It NEVER works. Ever. I need to slap myself and get a clue. But in a loving, nurturing way. Ha.

I almost had a breakdown. More emotional stuff is 'coming up'. It's the stinkin' thinkin! LOL. I was pondering where to have lunch then had the anxiety of running into people I didn't want to. See what alcohol can do for you kids?

Long time no blog. I went to Boise to spend time with my grandmother. That and being inspired by the Olympiads are keeping me clean. I don't think AA is for me, but I still have my crazy talking button, and AA books I still delve into. AA is a spectacular program and it works for so many. However I seem to be critisized when I talk about how much yoga, diet, and holistic health are helping me. If I don't follow AA to the T some of the authorities get pissy. And someone in recovery does not need police-like nor condensending behavior as I have experienced. No thanks.

I am doing great and I think I am starting to turn my little brain around. I craved last night after the Boise trip and just did everything to avoid giving in. I had a nice dinner even with a fatty evil dessert. took a hot bath, and watched the Okympics and Lost which I recorded. Then I thanked my lucky stars for not giving in this morning.

Isn't it funny what we manifest? Or what we focus on? I dated plenty of nice guys, and plenty of mean ones, but they all seemed to have high expectations, like ta da my father. Then I thought today everyone in my dad's life are pretty much bums, when he pushed us not only to get jobs, but successful careers. Okay Dad. Let me get one right away no problem. I was just thinking about that. So he has demands but no one can fufill them, he attracts bums into his life, and I attract mote people like him. I believe if we change the way we look at things, the things we look at will change.

Learning to relax.

I have mastered the art of mentally freaking out. Now I have to undo it. Stuff will always be thrown at you, it's just up to you how you deal with it.

I had an incredible morning. I had some spanikopitas for breakfast, did 45 minutes of kick boxing, and just felt a sense of joy overall. I know I'll sleep well tonight. Then I get a bombshell call about my property tax. I'm moving to Canada. No, it was actually okay because I could handle it, but it did put a dent in my day. It doesn't have to! I think living in the now and not worrying about stuff is critical. So I did a breathing exercise (which I SHOULD do for my cravings, ahem) and felt a ton better. You know what could save me a lot of money, not drinking and smoking.

I found gluten-free pasta that actually tastes good, and had some cucumber slices with yoghurt sauce.

I have a lip gloss addiction, is there a 12-step program for that? I got Sephora's kit of different brands, a V-Day present to myself.

The highlight of my day was kickboxing. There is a show on cable that has different workouts. I put on a sports BRA, not a tank, and my torso is actually not bad. but it helped that I was alone nonetheless. I felt that euphoria during and after that I may have to do cardio every day. I imagined kicking and punching my ex-company's owners, which is completely harmless. I know I've been trying to do the yoga thing for serenity, but you know what, I think violent cardio might be what I need. HEY-YA!!!

~Smobergirl

...and then I just exploded in tears.

My step mom is texting me twice a day checking up on me. I'm going to be okay. I need to love and take care of myself now. Perhaps be really selfish for a while. I am done feeling guilty and worrying so much. I tend to make things bigger than they actually are. I don't like to be angry at anyone but step mom said my old job deserved my drunken hate emails. But of course she sides with me. I was so upset because that person is not me. Like I said, Jeckyll and Hyde. I'm actually pretty nice and even shy sometimes. I used to say yes to everything. Now I think it's healthy to say no once in a while. Now I need to work on the worrying. I just caught myself having a worry moment. Most people, I think, fear somebody. And I also think most people do not believe we are good enough. If I don't drink I won't embarrass myself anymore. I think another problem of mine is worrying so much what people think of me. I think most of us are good at that too. But I also blow that out of proportion. I also knew a girl who is beautiful, funny, and talented. But she drank every night and always made a scene. I felt sad for her. Ironically a year later I would turn into her. I really believe to be careful what you think about. I was on the radio in 2005 and played a DUI attorney ad. I thought, "I do not want another DUI". Guess what happened two weeks later? I know some may think that's hooey (I love the word hooey) but I do believe in the power of the mind.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone.

~Smobergirl