Relationships.

Sometimes I think I have it down, then I look back at what I said and it looks silly. But in the last few weeks I have observed some things that seem important to me, but now I'll look back at them and see if I'm just being silly.

I have just observed, and this isn't new to me, relationships and some seem to click and others seem to end in turmoil. It's just an observation in my recovery, and maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the perfect relationship, when there probably actually isn't. My point is, and I will learn this myself, (and actually I realize there isn't a simple answer) that I've seen couples who get married and they live happily, and life goes on. And now my question is answered. Life is different for everyone. Because I'm going on to say that there's another couple who has complications, and me who is still single. We are all different. Sorry, I was going to whine how everyone is happy except for me, which isn't true. Now I'm speaking gibberish. There are all types. Only a handful are truly happy, some are not sure, some marry for the wrong reasons. My parents did. I was 15. I found my mother's wedding dress in her storage unit today and I took it to the cleaners. I think that was a good deed.

We can't cry about anyone else's happiness, but we can create our own happiness. It's not about marriage, but what makes us happy. Am I making any sence?

~Smobergirl

The Frontrunner trip was today. Fun train. I ate at Roosters and had some great baked cod tacos, got my mom's double gourd and now I'm almost back. Started craving but I'll run get dinner then maybe go to a movie, take a bath, or practice guitar and read a Michael Pollan book for class. Food, especially sweets, really help the wine craves, but I try not to over do it. I've ben really good with working out. On Thursday I did an hour of Gilad. Iissed him. Ha ha.

~Smobergirl

Good karma coming back. I'm in my car and my favorite Peter Gabriel song "I Have The Touch" just came on and when it ends it will be time for my guitar lesson!

Bad Karma

If not for my health, I think I finally learned my lesson that 9 times out of 10 I will find someone on the Internet or email to bash. I kept trying to drink "normally" and I can't. I keep thinking I'm a lonely loser and I'm absolutely not. I just burnt out and wanted people to come to me instead of myself making the effort.

So I'm at a favorite cozy cafe after cleaning out my mother's storage unit for an hour this morning. It was perfect. It was lightly snowing outside, I had a hot tea and the best fresh stir fry I've had in a long time. Then I noticed sitting to his back to me very well could have been one of those I drunkedly pissed off. I tried to make amends a while back but he just said adios muchacha. It was someone I really liked, but he just needed a shoulder at the time and I got the wrong idea. Then he found the perfect girl and I was broken. So my perfect lunch turned into grabbing to go containers and sneaking out of there.

People make enemies on purpose every day sober. If I stayed that way I would not intentially make any at all. I want everyone to understand and forgive me, but AA says usually only alcoholics understand alcoholics.

Well that bump is over and I'm back to my perfect day. I have a guitar lesson now, I may ride the new train to Ogden to run more errands for my mom (she's bribing me, and bribery will get you everywhere) then there is a gallery stroll tonight!

~Smobergirl

So, yay. I might have been the only one not drinking last night. I drove home from dinner and there were police everywhere, and it was only 9. Watched American Idol reruns and went to bed. I was sad because I really like Lacey. I hope she goes far.

~Smobergirl

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I feel lucky that I stayed smober last night. It was just a little and not a lot tough, because I was aware of several consequences. I may be finally waking up. I had red globe grapes and an open-faced fontina, egg, and asparagus sandwich with a side of fresh greens for breakfast. Had a cheese craving. I have a music event tonight to keep me out of trouble, I hate green beer anyway. ;)

~Smobergirl

I'm gonna throw up.

No, I'm sober. I picked up dinner and watched TV until 9. Then I had a craving. So I ate a block of parmesano reggiano and drank two glasses of water. Now I feel sick. But I'm sober!

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl