Walking to the farmer's market it's warm and breezy. I did 20 jumping jacks and ran in place for a while when I got out of bed. My energy is back. I got a nice surprise phone call last night around 6 from my step-mom asking if I wanted to see Joss Stone. It was a last-minute plan but we both rushed over to Red Butte Gardens and found a space in the third row. It was amazing and I was truly inspired by Joss' message of peace and her adorable humor. Today is the annual chalk art festival and some of the art just blows me away. Got my SPF 55 on and I'm ready for a great morning.

~Smobergirl

The anxiety has not been intense when it arises, and actually the guilt has dramatically diminished. Granted I had bad behavior and I can apologize a bit more if I wanted to, but I just want to move on. Maybe I'll make fun of all the craziness I went through in the future, and you know I think it may even be laughable.

I'm getting into DJ mode again, as I'm listening to a favorite techno band from Tijuana (yes) that would be perfect for a Vivace benefit I'm doing on my birthday. Gotta take a guitar lesson but I'll be back.

~Smobergirl

Happy one month to the cripple!!!


Finally, since 2002 I have suceeded being sober and smober for one month. I celebrated by getting a bunch of stuff I needed at Ace hardware and pulling the muscle on my right back ribs by holding down the side plank on my kitchen counter letting glue set. The only other time I hurt my back ever was doing yoga last year going from...get this irony...plank pose to side plank. Wonk wonk!! I have no desire to drink, just happy I had ibuprofen. I really don't think any bad or tragic situation could make me want to wine up. I basically drank because it was a nice wind down at night, and the only reason I'd drink to relieve pain would be if I felt lonely. And sometimes I'd only want one glass, and sometimes I wanted to go through a bottle. And sometimes that would lead to almost two. Now I have to baby my back today, but I am so grateful I made it this far. Other than being crippled I wake up refreshed, I have more energy, and I have a sence of well being (the anxiety attacks are not as strong anyway lol). I went baxk to sessions with Vinca and I will elaborate in my next blog. One month! Woo.

~Smobergirl

I just got my teeth cleaned today. Some stains were present and were removed. That sure felt awesome. "Freak Week" has poured into this week but I am learning to handle the magnifyed emotions better. I'm going back to Vinca and our first session is in an hour. I freaked out about my DJ equipment not being reliable with burned CDs, and maybe it's time for new stuff and an mp3 player. Then I made a huge salad and instantly felt better. I tell you something about fruit and crisp veg (and $45 balsamic vinegar) really brightens my mood. I had farmer's market mixed greens and radishes, watermelon, blueberries, quinoa, green onion, shitakes, Persian cucumber and celery. It worked out fabulously, with the vinegar, hemp seeds. and sea salt on top. I had my Tree Hugger granola for breakfast. I am having a meal now of a hand made nut burger and guacamole in romaine leaves with a soy shake. I'm doing pretty good today. I'm not so worried about the DJ stuff now, and my birthday is coming up so what better timing!

~Smobergirl

See the blessing in everything.

Good Saturday to ya. Yeah that's all I can do right now. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud that I finally stopped drinking and smoking this long and I plan to keep it up. But I have been DOWN this week! That's the best way to describe it. I'm anxious, dramatic, chatty, lonely, guilty...I mean week four is magnified emotions week. I'll have to ask the Q (quitnet) about this. I have a theory or three. 1: I'm naturally psycho. 2. Smoking dulls or kills nerve cells and maybe my nerves are coming back in full force. 3. It's me 'facing reality' sober and a shitload of 'stuff' is coming out of the woodwork in my crazy brain. It hasn't been cool. I have dreams of people shunning me, and in the real world I mentally abuse myself. It's been pretty craptastic. However, according to my hero Deepak Chopra, it's healthier to be the 'observer' in your life instead of getting wrapped up in situations. So that has been helping, to sit back and say, "okay, this is happening. Just try to relax or what can I do to make this a positive thing?". This week has just been high anxiety and I sure hope it is not the Antabuse. The doc wants to see me after taking it for 4-6 weeks so I will bring that up.

Snacking today. I'm starting to drink a cup of hot water with lemon the last two mornings. Having a home made iced coffee and I'm going to attempt to make my own Arnold Palmer without the sugar in lemonade today. I made cold-pressed iced tea. Then I'll add juice of lemons and agave nectar. I'll give you the report. I got these Allium flowers three weeks ago and they are still in great shape. And they are edible! Really pretty in a salad. I also made a berry smoothie with chocolate green food powder. It's one of my favorites. I love the chocolate-berry flavor and they look so pretty.

References to wine keep popping up but that doesn't bother me as much as the anxieties of my own performance and personality in general. The TV show Barefoot Contessa had a cooking with wine episode. Last week Bobby Flay did grilling with wine. I bought Wine (colored!) lip balm the other day. That stuff doesn't freak me out. I was kinda 'wining' about it but it's not making me want to stop taking Antabuse so I can cook with wine. But I will see if the Antabuse is causing the weird dreams and behavior.

~Smobergirl

Big Girl Pants

I'm moving up in the world. According to Quitnet I'm a "Toddler", which is someone who's quit smoking for 25 days. I coughed a bit this morning, which after 25 days seems pretty gross to me. But at least it's going out and not coming in. At least I'm not wheezing, or have a 'bark' sound when I cough anymore. www.quitnet.com is a free service, and I find to be an extremely helpful tool. If you want to quit smoking I highly recommend it. You don't need to give them your insurance card or blood sample or anything. It's confidential and not a pain in the ass.

As far as the sobriety part goes, I haven't had a big crave for about a week. However, I went on a non-stop crying binge for the last two days. I'm assuming this is normal. I think most people believe including myself that it's a part of dealing with your problems, instead of numbing them with alcohol. I'm back to getting stuff done today. I've just been a vegetable the last two days and maybe that was necessary.

I thought I'd get my appetite back. Don't get me wrong because at night I'm ravenous, but lately my body can handle only a little bit of food at a time. I had a home made cold-pressed iced coffee (Cafe Ibis, gotta keep it local) and Tree Hugger granola from The Canyons farmer's market with orange slices. I ate only 1/2 of it. I'm going to hit the treadmill. Then I got another birthday coupon! It's $5 off of Cactus and Tropicals. Sign up for free VIPs and newsletters, and my friends during your birthday month they throw down the freebies! I'm also picking up an order from Nutty Guys from a Groupon. This site is addicting!!! www.groupon.com. Maybe that's why I'm not so hungry lately, besides Groupons to restaurants, I've developed a serious spiced nut addiction, in addition to the Arnold Palmers. Trying to recreate bar nuts and sweet and sour drinks perhaps? Cigarettes and wine?

Hmmmmmmmm...

~Smobergirl

Thinking too much so just relaxing now. I have my fantasies. Thinking about hen I was young and picturing jobs that seemed so much fun when in reality they were a pain in the ass. Coffee shops and Norstrom and being a radio DJ to name a few. It's that age old question why the heck can't most of us have fun at our jobs and get paid for it. Pure and simple. Okay I'm done and decided to indulge in a little Thai, so please excuse me...