I pissed people off in the past. And all I can do is let go and forgive myself.

Forgive Me.

I took a walk and am at peace now. Texting so keeping these short.

Breathing.

Hello. I have not really admitted that I was going crazy for the last two weeks when I started the yoga teacher training. I had some sad feelings come up this afternoon, but sat on the trusty Love Sac Rocker and did some breathing exercises. It's amazing how they work. However I kind of want to get stuff out on this blog and not hide how I have been feeling. I calmed down instantly. However, I don't know if I should treat this blog like a journal or sugar-coat some things, because sometimes I want to get really deep then I see people who say they read my blog. The purpose of the blog, or one of them, is to want people to read it, right? During my yoga weekend workshop in Park City with Baron Baptiste I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. That was about two weeks before my brother's wedding in September. Then about three days later karma just flipped. I was irritated with people, I wasn't getting my way, I got sick, stuff that was bothering me was still lurking. Oh, then the past guilt with the whole Facebook angry drunk posting came in full-force. It was like the workshop just brought up more shit, and a lot of it, right to the surface.

And the killer thing is, I had a weird and bad feeling in my gut NOT to get my teacher training. I was going to do an experiment starting mid-Summer to only do things my gut tells me to. But would that lead me to happiness or laziness? Not to point fingers but my mother egged me on to do the training as well. She even is helping me paying for it. I'll be 40 in June and I try to please my mother. Can't get a full-time radio gig in a 18-year span, I've been a full-time volunteer for 1 1/2 years trying to get my name out, trying to do the better good. I was so lonely today, 2 1/2 years hardly dating at all and definitely not getting any, not by choice, that's when the freaking out happened around 6 pm. I LOATHED most of teacher training the first weekend. Would you like to know what I learned? How about three things: 1. That if my right nostril is more open than my left in the morning, especially on a Tuesday, Saturday, or Sunday, I should get out of bed on the right side on my right foot. 2. I should avoid spicy foods because I'm a Pitta and therefore I'm a 'firey' personality. and 3. That I can't write any notes down if the teacher does not explain how to spell every other sanskrit word. Did he say "darma" or "tharma"??? "Krishnalu"? "Uttabadakanasana"? I was ready TO BAIL by day two. Seriously. Then weekend two wasn't so bad. Well, we had a class a week from Monday and that Thursday so I should say by Thursday I felt a thousand times better. Mainly because that was anatomy, a language I could understand. Then last weekend was more about actually teaching yoga. I am so not cut out for this especially if I'm going to be resentful. Buddha would not be pleased. Okay now all of that calming breathing has done absolutely no good. That took about 15 minutes.

..........................but I'm not smoking or drinking...........................

Six months will be on November 17.

I'm going to practice guitar, which is one of the more relaxing things I like to do. I may have another cry, I may not. Why did I try to be a radio jock for 18 years if I wasn't cut out to be full-time. Why do I hang in there? I know people like me. Everyone sees that that person is not cut out for it except for that person. The music director at the U in 1995 told me I lived in a fantasy world because I wanted to be the next Fiona Apple. So that stuck with me. Am I just not realistic. How in the heck do I think I can be a yoga teacher? And how long am I going to crap on myself, yoga, and the media in this blog? I think after 18 years I'm freaking burnt out. I'm done. Dated every guy out there. Tried 'making it'. *shrug*. Then there's my 15-yr old cat who keeps pooping on the carpet and he failed a jump on a counter today. He had a very sickly moan but I haven't taken him to the vet. We went last Spring and he was just fine. He's an old guy.


So that answers my question. Dear Diary. Now you all know mostly how I have been really feeling in the last month or so. But venting does help along with breathing. I am learning some valuable information at yoga teacher training, and the strange and 'useless' stuff to me is starting to tie in with the solid stuff. But it is kind of like a religion I was not quite prepared for. It's pretty intense. I am choosing to keep it up.

Pictures. Wild rice with no-bean hummus from "Rawvolution". Yummy. Painting pinecones with nail polish for my tree. It gives a pretty glossy finish and it's my 'recession' ornament idea. Real Simple also suggests making a packing peanut garland. Kinda shabby-chic. Now I'm going to play guitar and convince myself I'm not mental.

Ah I missed my shake today but did have maca in oatmeal. So maca can't suppress hormones all the time I guess. I just had a day.

Smobergirl
Day 176

Stuff came out, so played "Let's Go Surfing" by The Drums. All better. ;)

Heck yes! Just made $190+ at the consignment shop by giving them my "fat" clothes. lol

Being good cutting down the caffeine. Iced green tea going on.

Better now

171 days and I am feeling pretty spectacular despite the fact that I still have insomnia. That's been going on for about a month. I also have a slight cough that's been going on for 2 1/2 weeks. I freaked out last weekend during teacher training because I was scared of the religious aspect, but I think I am good with it now. I was skeptical because my instincts were saying get out, but maybe I'm just afraid. I had dinner with some of the fam tonight (Dad's birthday) and they were excited to have me teach them. So that got my blood pumping. I really think that this will be darned good self-help too. I have kept the weight off, and I'm even eating more cheese and bread, which I will be more picky on selecting like local and freshly made. I get compliments all the time. It's awesome. I still don't know if stopping drinking has contributed to it. A friend swore it's true. She said it took her about two months for her metabolism to speed back up after quitting drinking, and then she lost a ton as well. So, that could be it along with not eating out as much and making crazeh shakes.

1/2 cup frozen raspberries
1 packet chocolate protein powder
maca, chia, hemp, flax
1/4 cup water
2 fresh plums

Going to try and get zzzzz's now,

Smobergirl