I feel fantastic

Insanity and yoga made me feel on top of the world this morning. I did Upper Body Weights from the Insanity DVDs. It's Hip-Hop Abs tomorrow. I had a berry-kale-hemp smoothie and a 1/2 avocado. It's another cloudy warm day, which is my cup of tea. I'm teaching a friend yoga and going to an usher orientation later. I may have to start a saving money blog. If you usher, you can see all kinds of entertainment for free!

I was feeling awesome until I received an email from a friend. I thought I wanted to go back to acting in a theater I performed at in the mid-90s. I asked a connection I haven't talked to in three years who I should contact at the theater and when the next auditions for new shows are, and this person responded with, "Speaking of new shows, you should come see me in _______ going on right now! I play _____ and it's so much fun!!! We could go to lunch afterwards!!" Maybe I take everything personally but I didn't get one answer from my actor buddy, just a shameless promotion. I just got a knot in my stomach and an awful feeling. No, I'm not ready to go back there. Actors can be a handful. What's a girl to do. I'll keep being the volunteer queen and see what happens from there. Instinct. It's working so far.

Appreciating what I have is starting to immensely pay off. Aside from helping the community, I own all of the possessions I really need. It's the small things in life like I thought I had to have magenta shoes from TJ Maxx when I have gunmetal ones which would go with the same clothes I wanted to wear the magenta ones for. On The Doctors they promoted Dr. Haushka products and I immediately wanted to go to Whole Foods because they have 15% off cosmetics, skin and body care, and supplements on Tuesdays. Then I thought of my already crowded medicine cabinet. I think I have three night creams in there! Shopping is not going to give me a fulfilling life. But, evil sugary Pumpkin Spice VIA instant iced coffee from Starbucks and my 50% off Groupon will. For now. See ya!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 46

Tears, joy, karma, being pissed off, stuff coming out, fantasy, beauty, body image, and food, and exercise, and everything.

I think life is getting better! Ha ha no I mean that. hear me out. I have a lot of venting to do but it all will come out good in the end I promise. The first quit, snowballs galore happened with the good karma. I was doubtful this time, thinking that I was just lucky, but I have to testify. I had a 'feeling' to go out for dinner at 5:45 tonight. I was thinking of a place close to me then decided on a 'healthy' joint for a mushroom and brussels sprout pasta in cream sauce. Cream sauce! Oy. Hey I had my rabbit food during the rest of the day. I then happen to run into my jazz radio DJ hero there, who asks me if I want to visit his show sometime, and to answer phones with other community radio DJs for their fund drive. Sweet. Before then I also had a wild hair after crying my butt off in the bath (I seem to do most of my bawling there lately) to email the owner of a theater I used to perform at in the 90s. He CCed the director, who is the same one who gave me the best compliment of my life in the last show I did there, "She always makes something out of nothing." Wow. You had to be there. You know what's funny, I cared more about my radio job who emotionally kicked me in the gutter over and over again or just didn't give a rat's ass on my accomplishments more than the theater who always treated me like a rock star. Para-noia self-destroyah! Do you know that Kinks song? It's my motto. I know "Institutionalized" should be but you can pick one or the other. That is probably why I want to go back to acting all of a sudden. I was a theater major. Duh. Already you know I'm a drama queen. So I will wait to hear when the next audition is if that dude with the amazing compliment will have me back.

So this is me in my underwear, paricipating in year two for the Utah Undie Run. It's liberating and of course a people (and dog!) watching spectacular. The 5K was also a great workout. My friend who went with me wanted to walk which was fine, but last year after doing Insanity I could not believe how much stamina I had running up the hill to the capitol! I am back in the game, did my hip hop and yoga this morning, and it's Insanity weights and plyometrics tomorrow.

Too much coffee and sugar have been invading my body however. Is that what made me cry in the tub? I had the 'my carreer/love life, blah blah blah is over' thoughts and I realized that was stupid. You moron. My mother told me that the one thing she regretted was not teaching me enough self-esteem. I'm cool, but like I said I've been conditioned mainly through school and work that I am a total idiot. Parents, teach your kids this and fight against bullying. School bullying, asshole bosses (if you want me to be PC say discriminating instead), and sexual harassers in any environment cannot be tolerated. I wish there were more of teaching of the sort as well. I am dead serious. I happened to go through all three.

Breakfast: 5 figs, handfuls of ground cherries, and sugared iced coffee

Lunch: Mixed greens, heirloom cherry tomatoes, micro greens, hummus, garlic spread, and muhammara with baked rosemary sweet potato 'fries' and iced coffee, pouring acid on that good food I know Kim!

Dinner: Comforting and evil cream sauced pasta, the funky rolled up like thin cigars kind with brussels sprouts and wild mushrooms. Expresso carbonata with cream to add to the cream. Are we emotionally eating lately?

I'll take a glass of lemon water before bed. Then clean up my food act. It's red kale smoothie tomorrow sistah! Oh I did have a green powder water today so that's making a college try.

Body image. Just stop it. Healthy is better than having a supermodel body, and you'll be looking good anyway. Not all thin bodies look the same. I'll always be bigger on top, or I tend to lose the top last. So that means skinny legs and big arms but also big boobies! Speaking of big boobies, I watched The Bachelor Pad for 5 minutes and the 'superfans' picked for the show of course looked like models. How do we teach the kids. I was kinda pissed, then after some of them opened their mouths I was just glad to have big arms and intelligence over that. Then I quickly changed the channel.

I was also getting bummed by aging but I can't. For 41 I look pretty darn good. The little changes are normal and no one cares more than you when it comes to your own bod. I'll just have to do more head stands. Okay, and be happy for who I am and what I have and the healthy choices I will make and not beat myself up having the occasional pasta and dairy, oh and caffeine, and sugar, when I have not had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 45 days.

I believe that it is imparative to have dreams. I will let go of the teacher's voices who said I day-dreamed too much in class or that nasty college professor who said I lived in a fantasy world thinking I could be a classical singer. Mean teachers should not teach. Choose your words wisely, for you have to reap what you sow, professor, you jerk.

Okay I've vented. I cried, I had hopes, life isn't over, and I had a productive day. I am not a moron, and I don't really care about being in a relationship (okay to be fair I don't care AS much). To fight the craves I 'shop' in my closet and make myself look put together and I wear more makeup. It's fun and you know I might as well look like a girl, it's good for the self-esteem too.

No regrets on kitty's accident which happened a half a year ago already! I do think about it constantly. Realistically, the beauty in that is I wouldn't had known that he had abscesses in his back teeth if he didn't fall. And man the kid acts like it never happened. Sometimes I call him Toothless like in How To Train Your Dragon, and the hair lip gives him character. And I say to myself, "Dude he fell three stories and only hurt his teeth! Come on! He's the miracle cat." Yes, I still cry over it sometimes, but time will heal itself. He is my baby but I can't look back on that nor regret anything. You need to see the beauty in everything.

I'm glad it rained today. I feel sheltered by the clouds and the downpour. It's almost time for bed and an eventful, fantastic day tomorrow. I am grateful for all who I am and everything I have, and so should you.

Love,

Smobergirl

Life Is Good

By the way, I think it would be cool to work for that company.

Anywho, I was freaking out a little about my life this morning, then my counselor at 3 pm just shook his head. I really like this guy. In the end he helped me with job ideas and was logical about how and who to get references from. It doesn't have to be your former boss by the way. An ex-co worker who I didn't offend will do just fine. Ha ha. I didn't even think of applying for the children's museum which the shrink suggested. I am passionate about the arts council, and being a drama geek most of my life, which is really where my heart is, could be a better job for me than the media. I became a DJ through a talent agency, where I just wanted to act. That's when the mayhem started. Nineteen years later, I think it's time to go back to my roots. I didn't even drink until I started frequenting DV8 with fellow radio jocks and sipping Sex On The Beaches all night long. No regrets though. It was an important part of my life when I needed to start sticking up for myself, and I don't know who I'd be today if I didn't go through the hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I craved like a ninja for two days. Couldn't do it cuz I'd go apeshit! Alcohol is dangerous, and it says so on the bupropion bottle. That wouldn't be so great. So I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's Steven Colbert Americone Dream just for the name, watching the Democrat convention. Perfection.

I feel better, I'm not damaged or worthless. Burned out? I think I was for a minute. Now I'm ready to get back into the game.

Smobergirl

A month and two weeks bro.

On the way to getting back on track.

Well, so in the last couple days I had the cravings of a pregnant woman *shrug*. No I am not! I had a green powder drink before gobbling 1/4 of Thaifoon's Jeweled Beef. Another chain restaurant but there's actually vegetables in this dish including broccoli, carrots, sprouts, garlic, and a whole lot more mushrooms than Noodles' Truffle Mac. I also added yesterday's roasted grape tomatoes and fresh lime basil. Now it's more green water. If you get lemon-lime flavor or squeeze citrus in it, tastes much better. Maybe I needed the protein and carbs or maybe I was rebelling with meat protein and noodles.

I got a new book that looks promising. I do these because I have a 'what is there to lose' attitude, and I'm single so I can experiment without judgment. My father actually praised me for being 'independent', being able to make my own decisions and do whatever I want. A married friend at a dinner also said I can order whatever I want as his wife was peering over at him.

Real food is supposedly offered, suggesting fruit for breakfast, healthy carbs for lunch, and a salad with protein for dinner. I'll let you know how it goes. Snyder's book had me drastically lose pounds and I believe that whole, natural food will give you a glow. In the last month I have been receiving a plethora of compliments. But El Guapo, do you even know what a plethora is?

Being thankful with what I have throwing on a lonely, yummy suede-like pair of Prana yoga pants. I love you buttery yoga pants!

Smobergirl

No fast food!

That's it!!! No more temptation. Not only is my energy zapped, but I also don't look so amazing. I lied about the spending. As a reward for not buying new 'stuff', and it sucks when people say "You quit! Reward yourself," I tried a run-of-the-mill box-tasting mac and cheese with two mushroom slices after my friend was raving of curiosity how she has to try the Truffle Mac at a chain restaurant. Red flag #1: It's a chain restaurant. It wasn't even truffley. Thankfully I ordered a cucumber tomato salad with red onion beforehand. Then the six tiny bites I took of the mac made me lethargic and put a pit in my stomach. It's elbow macaroni in cheese sauce (and I don't know if it's real or not) with shredded white hard cheese, bread bits and breadcrumbs, two dark mushroom slices, and a hint of truffle flavor on the slices. Boo. Well that's what I get, and I lied about eating out. I can't be a hermit but I need to have better use of my time. Carb fest=bad, colorful whole food=awesome. I swear it was a beige mess.

Whole food is the way to go if you want to avoid being tired. I just wish more folks would get the hint.

Smobergirl

Appreciating

Good morning! The appreciation starts today, and I hope you can join me. I am a month and a week quit from alcohol and cigarettes. I admit that I still have my heart murmur occasionally since I started the Wellbutrin, and I also have a strained knee when I bend it diagonally, and I have another joint strain on the inside of my right elbow, However I am appreciating all  can do physically and I appreciate all that I have. Okay hold on I will call my doc....I'm not just crying wolf this time....ha ha they are closed for the holiday weekend! Alright tomorrow! I just put an alert in my Smart Phone.

So I have an important story. I admit also that I shop and drive around to relieve bordom. I know better, and life is better, when I 'shop in my closet' and find productive things to do at home. I was going to drive across town to a Target for no reason at all. I have told you about replacing smoking and drinking with shopping. Some of it is good, like local bath salts at the farmer's market and healthy food, but I own more stuff than I realize. So, I'm so proud of myself, here goes:

I woke at 8 am and did yoga. Had an iced coffee (I know I know) with home-made cashew milk, and a green smoothie. I just had an avocado with sea salt and it's 10:23 am. Oh and these are ground cherries! I also had a few of these. I have no idea what they are but my mother got me hooked on them last year. I've only found them at the farmer's market. They are like tomatillos, where they have a papery outside that you take off to reveal something like a green cherry tomato, which they taste between that and a fruit. Pretty good stuff. Alright Ill look it up....hmmmm they are full of cryptoxanthin. Native to Central and South America. Use like a tomato, put in salads, or make jams and jellies. Huh. Now we kinda know more. I watched the Today Show now Rachael Ray is on with Dr. Oz. Like most women, I am a Mehmet junkie. The pride thing is that today's quote on my Zen calendar woke me up, above. So true. I feel energized and no shopping today. In fact, I'm going through all of my 'stuff' to find new outfit combinations I have never worn, and maybe put some things in a bag for the consignment shop. I have also been going to the planetarium, which I am a member of, to educate and entertain myself for free with the membership.

I do hope to get a theater job ushering, but I forget it's a holiday and hopefully I'll hear back from them this week.

Okay thanks for letting me ramble. Appreciate what you have and try not to spend, just on the essentials. And bath salts.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 38

It's stormin'!!!

This is my favorite kind of weather: Warm outside, lightning, and pouring rain. I'm snuggling inside with a bowl of quinoa, olive juice, and green olives from Caputo's. I have been craving more sugar and caffeine in the past two days. When I lived off of salads and raw lasagna for two weeks I really started to look good, I even looked tanner for some reason. Frozen hot chocolate and chewy ciabatta sammys, not so much. I did go to the downtown farmer's market today and got some black mission figs (tonight's dessert), strawberries, and lime basil (which also went into the guac I made to go with the quinoa). I am going to get back into the salad-before-a-meal kick.

Sensa: Uh, no thanks.

I think eating whole food is the way to go. It's about taking care of your body, not sprinkling goodness knows what on a hot dog to get skinny. You are still eating lips and assholes, sorry.

I had the worst wine craving about five hours ago, but I couldn't have it because it's a no-no with the Wellbutrin! The med also is really making me chill, and I don't care so much what people think nor do I get offended. Like at all.

Herbed-Pineapple/cilantro/cuke smoothie is the current favorite for breakfast. A greens smoothie with grapefruit is a close second. I feel cozy watching the storm. I'm reading a little then it's yoga and off to bed.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 36