I don't need substitute addictions!

Don't worry it's just junk food, but worry because it's junk food! I think it's making me depressed and gave me the biggest cold sore chain ever on my lip down my chin! That proves how "sad" our S.A.D. (Standard American Diet) is!!! Not only did I have two iced coffees along with the healthy substitute, two iced chais, I had a frozen hot chocolate and a happy meal for dinner. A Happy Meal! Will I promise not to cry wolf and have you trust me to start detoxing tomorrow? Then in a week I'll be clean and happy for the wedding I'm DJing. You know not just alcohol, cigs, and other substances, but crap food is also a temporary cheap thrill. I know better. At the farmer's market today I got the teeniest strawberries (like the ones I found in Capri), organic grapes, kale, ground cherries, aaaand that's about it for my cleanse. I also have vegan, gluten-free black bean burgers, mock tuna salad, and bell pepper slaw in the fridge. Along with local muhammara, celery sticks, cukes, pineapple, frozen berries, wild rice....I'm all set for the week ahead!

Love,

Wolfy

Two months in five days!

Sugar sugar

I just felt crappy all afternoon because I've been amping up the caffeine and sweets intake. Must...stop... I then had a home-made slaw and black bean burger patty for dinner and I feel much calmer. However I did want to cry my guts out about an hour ago.

Other than that life is fantastic and I'm getting the ball rolling with DJ gigs, meaning DJing parties and weddings. Summer was awfully slow for that, man. I'll also be ushering theaters (free shows dude) and I'll be painting again, any day now when I decide to get my ass in gear. I still have craves but the bupropion is handling that nicely. I cut my dose in half to avoid heart murmurs and possibly anger and depreesion. Depression on an anti-depressant you say? This is one of the reasons I'm anti-drug. Like Chantix which will help you quit smoking but you may have suicidal thoughts. Wh-at? Ugh I can't wait until 6 months are up!

I made a brillant smoothie today which magically tasted like guava. It's kale, with pineapple and mint (I think that's the magic combo there), maca powder, chia and flax seeds, and chilled mint/lemon water. It's my best creation yet.


Well bed time. More pics later. Just say no to sugar. I just need to nip this coffee thing finally. I DJ a wedding in a week so maybe I'll detox and I'll be glowing by the 29th. Hey it's happened before! I have violent tantrums on day three but then I'm a new person. :)


Smobergirl

Two months, Bender, on the 27th! (Breakfast Club ref.) You're mine for two months!

The power of a man's virtue

I know you can control your own emotions. Is it easier said than done because we feel that we 'ought' to feel bad, unworthy, mournful, etc.? I told a friend years ago who was dealing with his own demons that only he can control his emotions. In serious response, he answered, "No, my wife does." Sometimes I wish I was famous or perfect or happy all of the time, but who is? The power of a man's virtue be measured not by his special efforts, but by his ordinary doing. Zen calendar quote of the day from Blaise Pascal. I want to know that people love me by my goodness and not because I don't have a special talent like Cyrus from SYTYCD. He's no more perfect nor virtuous than I, right? I loved him on the show and I think I just want to be him. Or I think I just want his popularity. This is actually a silly-ass post. My mood was down again even after fly yoga, having the utmost anger for other drivers when I was running errands to feeling that I just don't want to be here. Now here me out: I'm hardly suicidal, it's just one of those days when you want to fade or have the trap door underneath you go out. No I didn't feel worthy nor talented today, but for no particular reason. I cried, a lot. I did talk to my parents, just small talk but I know they care about me. I also went into worrying what others think of me mode. Maybe I got lonely. Maybe it's all that meat I've been eating all of the sudden. Damn you national cheeseburger day. Maybe it's the sugared pumpkin spice iced coffees. Or maybe it's just me being human. Ha I was thinking about the famous actually then I remember when Lindsay Lohan called her butt crack poking out of her jeans her 'coin slot.' It doesn't matter what you think of others. It matters what you think of yourself. I am talented. I'm a damn fine mobile DJ even though I pissed off one bride for having 3-second feedback on my microphone. "I thought you were a professional." The husband said. You need to let shit like this go and know who you are. The thing is that it does get to me and then I get scared of DJing the next gig, which turns out perfectly. The other lesson is let shit like sound feedback go and don't insult others, for you may affect their lives more than you'll know.

Okay I just feel tons better after I blog. I should write in a journal but I have this morbid thinking that the public should see my ups and downs through quitting drinking, smoking, and low self-esteem. Plus typing is easier. The right food really brought me calm and happiness. For the last few days I've been upping the ante on the sugar and meat which I usually don't consume at all. There is a mood/food connection, I have no doubt. Gotta hunker down and get back on track.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Smobergirl

The fly

I was in yoga class yesterday, something I rarely do now since I have been saving money to work out at home (and by the way I had a free class pass) and for the entire class this fly kept landing on my shoulder, arm, or hand every ten minutes or so. I didn't shoo him away, I just let it hang out or crawl around. It really didn't bother me, maybe because I was in a zen-like state, it was kind of nice actually. I'd think, hey there little fella you probably like my natural orange and honey blossom lotion. That's gotta be it. Then in savasana, corpse pose, which all yoga classes end with, it landed on my 'third eye' right between my eyebrows. No kidding! In yoga the third eye is often spoken about and used during meditiation. It was there for about five seconds then I never saw or felt it again. It was pretty far out. Fly yoga. Who knew.

Smobergirl


Day 53

The best things in life are free.

You know, this, "I have all I need" mantra is working so far. Sure I had temptations for material things, then I realized that I own items similar or I'm glad I treated my body to a green drink from home instead of a $7 milk shake three times as long as my neck at this joint I saw a movie at tonight. I didn't have the money to get a symphony-opera subscription so I could be on that USUO young people's board, but magically I'll be ushering that and two other theater venues (that means free symphony/opera/theater) which means if I paid for one I'd get a free ticket for tonight, which I didn't so I went to a free-admission women's gala and fundraiser instead (free dinner) and an outdoor free movie (with free popcorn!). Plus, from the Avenues Fair last week I scored about 10 guest passes to a fancy-schmancy Federal Heights rec center (free swimming!) and a free smoothie at their fancy-schmancy new cafe. This karma thing is happening again and I had nothing to worry about. Luck? Chance? Maybe but the universe is providing for me. I had a lovely night without drinking or smoking, and I had joy in my heart.

Love,

Smobergirl

I think it's day 50!

Confirmation! Boy I'm good. :)

Make Yourself

I got that from the band Incubus, who's lead singer, Brandon Boyd, said the title is being who you want to be, meaning creating that truth, making yourself. Boyd wanted to be fit, so he made that happen. He worked to be a visual artist and he puts that in his videos. It has inspired me over and over again. This whole thing about wanting to be fit again, and finally having another long-term quit, started with the Olympics, then the Undie Run and So You Think You Can Dance. I keep telling myself that I'm like clay and if I want it, I can mold myself into a beautiful athlete even at 41. I have energy, I bounce back easily (after smoking for 15 years my teeth are extremely white, I can bound up stairs no problem after a few weeks quit, and at the health fair on Saturday everything was normal and I currently have zero chance of heart disease.) I am a lucky sod. Now I need to make myself just because I can. I quit dance when I was 13 and lost most of my technique and gained weight in high school. At 18 I thought, "If I bust my ass now at dancing I'll be killer at 28." That never happened. At 28 I was even heavier and my boyfriend at the time kept 'hinting' for me to work out. I was lethargic, a smoker, and I didn't feel like I fit in because of my weight. So do what Nike, Yoda, or Incubus says and take action.

I am. I plugged through Insanity for the first time in at least six months and I survived. I think the bupropion makes me tired but I didn't wheeze or turn red, and my endorphins shot up. Then I watched the finale dances on SYTYCD while stretching, doing full lotus and pendulum, and ballet leg tendues, ronde de jambes, attitudes, and degagés. I may not be able to walk tomorrow but I felt amazing. I also ate a good diet with tons of greens and soup. Too many Trader Joe's Thai Lime Chili Cashews maybe. There could be worse things, um like Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Via. Hey I am still allowed my wine sub ain't I? I'm craving sugar, man. Yes I have an excuse for everything, especially the Wellbutrin. "Oh I spaced that, am tired, dingy, can't breathe, air-headed because of the Wellbutrin." "Sorry, I'm on Wellbutrin." "I'm either just a home-body or the Wellbutrin is making me want to do absolutely nothing."

Well I do feel better. I think the only (well one of, maybe) things the bupropion is doing is making me less paranoid. It's doing that job very well. Good times. Oh and I don't want (today and most days) and can't drink on it, that's the most important thing. Making myself means that I don't and can't put those poisons in my body to inhibit who I can be.

Love,

Smobergirl

Maybe it's my liver

Alright maybe I jumped to a conclusion with my friend, whom I've known since high school, and has always driven me a little batty. I think I just wanted to avoid the friend, and not the theater. In that environment too though you can get drama queens and drama in general. Hey, it's drama! If my director friend gets back to me with an offer then we'll see. Oh the liver thing? One of my holistic therapists I worked with a few years ago told me that when I get angry it's my liver detoxifying and expelling the junk. So if I ever get pissy nowadays I just blame it on my liver. :D


Smobergirl