I ate almost the whole batch of macadamia nut and sun-dried tomato mash on romaine leaves with a glass of lemon water before and after. I feel serene. Mac nuts, although full of healthy monounsaturated fat, have a lot of vitamin B, E, protein, fiber, and they help lower cholesterol.
I am sleepy. If you cannot sleep, cherries and walnuts help. And apparently macadamia nuts and sun-dried tomatoes. That mash is super easy to make:
Blend 1 1/2 cups of macadamia nuts and 2 tablespoons of fresh lemon juice in a food processor. Then add 1/2 cup chopped SD tomatoes and 1/4 teaspoon of celtic, Himalayan, or sea salt. Blend. Then place in a bowl and stir in 2 tablespoons of any type of parsley, chopped. Wrap in collard greens or like I did on a romaine leaf and sprinkle with ground pepper. Or I will give you permission to eat it with a spoon.
Goodnight, I feel 100% better. Although the AB is still MIA.
Love,
SG
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Okay maybe it is.
A craving is like an off switch. Everything you said about 'never again' gets shut off and you just want to have a good time. A warm glass of red wine in front of the TV watching Christmas shows blocks out any fear of what you might say on the internet three hours later. I was in denial about the holidays being tough, I wanted to be tough. I can't find the Antabuse (the 'get sick on alcohol' med) this morning and I skipped yesterday. I had no reaction last night. However white wine tends to make me angry and I get more sentimental on red, so at least I was mostly lovey-dovey, but still a bit weepy. What I am craving now is grape must. I think I've talked about it before. It's an Italian non-alcoholic grape juice made from the peels. It's good stuff. I also had 'temple' food today (as in treat your body like a temple) having kale salad, peppermint tea, lemon water, and a veggie stir fry. It's macadamia nut and sun-dried tomato mash tonight. It's mac nuts, SD tomatoes, parsley, sea salt, pepper, and lemon juice. Snyder calls it nut pate.
Holidays are tough. I'm alone this year. I think that's the big thing. The AA book "Denial Is Not A River In Egypt" is a huge truth. I also feel burnt out. I feel empty and tired. Yesterday I felt a beam of hope and I was bouncing off the walls. That's the power of depressants: They make you 'depressed'. I feel more guilt, reputation a bit tattered on FB, a little hopeless but if I only find that Antabuse! (I payed $153 for that little sucker.)
I do believe in karma and I really want to be the best role model I can, not bash my old work or get sloppy on the social network. That part of 'me' is not me. It would be perfect if everyone understood but I have to understand that probably not everyone will. I don't want to ruin my new jobs or anymore friendships. I have to accept that I lose judgment after 4-5 glasses of wine. Why do I need it? Yes I also had the excuse of starting over on January 1, 2013. That isn't going to happen, I'm stopping now. You hear me. When I crave I will visit this page. I will also make a phone call for help. Great now I'm going to cry after I just took a bath and put hydrating oil on my face. I keep reading that oil is actually better for your skin than creams or lotions. My goal is to just use coconut or olive oil as a moisturizer. This blog is also about food and heck why not put it on your body? Eating tomatoes is also a natural light sunblock and lemons can fade sun spots applied topically.
Tomorrow will be much better. The bouncing off the walls was due to a surprise Christmas check. I was thinking I could use a little of it to join a gym with a steam room which is good for your health, and hair if you put conditioner in it and sit there for a while. I also found a gym with that and a pool. I'll get a massage, have my sore knee checked, donate blood on Wednesday, and I really want that Solange-Azagury-Partrigde ring. Don't tell anyone. That's about four months worth of wine and cig money. So no bingeing for at least that long (although you know the goal is forever). Then I will put the rest in my money market. You have to invest smartly. Imagine how much would be in your savings if you didn't drink, smoke, or go to the coffee shop for twenty years. You could buy a Porsche with that. I also have to thank family for the lovely lavender gifts. When you quit it's excellent to be armed with stress relievers. I got a soap, lotion, sachet, and lavender dark chocolate. Rescue Remedy spray is also awesome. Yes I can use that money for an out-patient program and maybe I will. Especially if I can't find my meds man. They are here somewhere. I also got a deal for spinning/pilates/or training classes at that fancy gym. I also feel good because I gave to several charities this year. Girls, some websites give all the proceeds from jewelry and clothes you buy to charities, or better yet you can buy goods made from women with HIV or earrings made from melted bullet shells from foreign civil wars, something made good out of something harmful. Just google it.
I love you for reading. I'm still alive and I have my dignity. You have to keep remembering that not everyone will understand what you are going through and don't expect them to do so. "What you think of me is none of my business." That's a good mantra to keep.
Love,
Smobergirl
Holidays are tough. I'm alone this year. I think that's the big thing. The AA book "Denial Is Not A River In Egypt" is a huge truth. I also feel burnt out. I feel empty and tired. Yesterday I felt a beam of hope and I was bouncing off the walls. That's the power of depressants: They make you 'depressed'. I feel more guilt, reputation a bit tattered on FB, a little hopeless but if I only find that Antabuse! (I payed $153 for that little sucker.)
I do believe in karma and I really want to be the best role model I can, not bash my old work or get sloppy on the social network. That part of 'me' is not me. It would be perfect if everyone understood but I have to understand that probably not everyone will. I don't want to ruin my new jobs or anymore friendships. I have to accept that I lose judgment after 4-5 glasses of wine. Why do I need it? Yes I also had the excuse of starting over on January 1, 2013. That isn't going to happen, I'm stopping now. You hear me. When I crave I will visit this page. I will also make a phone call for help. Great now I'm going to cry after I just took a bath and put hydrating oil on my face. I keep reading that oil is actually better for your skin than creams or lotions. My goal is to just use coconut or olive oil as a moisturizer. This blog is also about food and heck why not put it on your body? Eating tomatoes is also a natural light sunblock and lemons can fade sun spots applied topically.
Tomorrow will be much better. The bouncing off the walls was due to a surprise Christmas check. I was thinking I could use a little of it to join a gym with a steam room which is good for your health, and hair if you put conditioner in it and sit there for a while. I also found a gym with that and a pool. I'll get a massage, have my sore knee checked, donate blood on Wednesday, and I really want that Solange-Azagury-Partrigde ring. Don't tell anyone. That's about four months worth of wine and cig money. So no bingeing for at least that long (although you know the goal is forever). Then I will put the rest in my money market. You have to invest smartly. Imagine how much would be in your savings if you didn't drink, smoke, or go to the coffee shop for twenty years. You could buy a Porsche with that. I also have to thank family for the lovely lavender gifts. When you quit it's excellent to be armed with stress relievers. I got a soap, lotion, sachet, and lavender dark chocolate. Rescue Remedy spray is also awesome. Yes I can use that money for an out-patient program and maybe I will. Especially if I can't find my meds man. They are here somewhere. I also got a deal for spinning/pilates/or training classes at that fancy gym. I also feel good because I gave to several charities this year. Girls, some websites give all the proceeds from jewelry and clothes you buy to charities, or better yet you can buy goods made from women with HIV or earrings made from melted bullet shells from foreign civil wars, something made good out of something harmful. Just google it.
I love you for reading. I'm still alive and I have my dignity. You have to keep remembering that not everyone will understand what you are going through and don't expect them to do so. "What you think of me is none of my business." That's a good mantra to keep.
Love,
Smobergirl
Friday, December 21, 2012
It's not like it's the end of the world
I slipped. The crazy thing is that I called the pharmacy yesterday afternoon, with cigs and wine in my car, ordering a prescription refill of Antabuse to pick up today. I took my first pill this morning. Again, I didn't want to spend the $153 but I have to. I have to.
I also officially became a non-perfectionist as of today. I discovered the website Goop and there's a nice blog on there about perfectionism. There was also a nice pair of $99 yoga leggings I had to have on the site because Gwyneth Paltrow designed them. Sucker. I also had another wake up call exchanging Christmas presents with a friend. Being blunt but a true friend, she told me that I speak very eloquently in general but I have 'stage fright' on the air, which I have been kicking myself for 20 years about that. Why? Why can't I just snap out of it and sound perfect (aha) ? It's like the 'deer in the headlights' switch turns on automatically. I really don't suck (that much) and we all make mistakes. I have heard some of the best make complete train wrecks. I think it's because I was teased at my first job and I can't let that feeling go, but I will now. The end of the world is a good place to start, which some folks believe that the end of the Mayan Calendar means new beginnings. So there ya go. Lesson learned, and I do have some of the best friends and family around. And some cute new leggings coming my way. Hey it's basically two binge nights' worth of cash there.
Love,
SG
I also officially became a non-perfectionist as of today. I discovered the website Goop and there's a nice blog on there about perfectionism. There was also a nice pair of $99 yoga leggings I had to have on the site because Gwyneth Paltrow designed them. Sucker. I also had another wake up call exchanging Christmas presents with a friend. Being blunt but a true friend, she told me that I speak very eloquently in general but I have 'stage fright' on the air, which I have been kicking myself for 20 years about that. Why? Why can't I just snap out of it and sound perfect (aha) ? It's like the 'deer in the headlights' switch turns on automatically. I really don't suck (that much) and we all make mistakes. I have heard some of the best make complete train wrecks. I think it's because I was teased at my first job and I can't let that feeling go, but I will now. The end of the world is a good place to start, which some folks believe that the end of the Mayan Calendar means new beginnings. So there ya go. Lesson learned, and I do have some of the best friends and family around. And some cute new leggings coming my way. Hey it's basically two binge nights' worth of cash there.
Love,
SG
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The biggest lesson
1000 posts yesterday. Luckily not that many relapses, but this isn't the time to be funny because I had one last night. Being a broken record hurts. I could had been clean for a thousand days. What happened? No Antabuse, because I was stingy with money and part of me wanted to give in and part of me thought I wouldn't give in. The junkie in me wanted to start over on New Year's Day, of course! I work weekly for one more week in the morning and maybe there is a God because that, and the fact my mother is in town for the holidays would keep me off it. Then I would curse when I craved. I'm serious about this karma thing and now a higher power of some sort because there's been events that prevent me from drinkin' and a smokin' not being on the 'sick on alcohol' drug. Lack of funds, work, visitors. It's been really weird. Good weird, but I managed to sneak it in last night. Nats and Austrailian wine. I already cried three times today, once at Life Of Pi for the second time. The cry was a great excuse because the movie is a tear-jerker so I got away with really crying because I felt horrible. I now have another pit in my stomach. Will you ever learn? That's why it's called addiction? Even getting the wine and cigs there was the "no no no" inside my head. "I'll put my phone and computer in the car again, then I'll get them right back out to text or email someone when I get all excited." I was actually scared getting the stuff for fear of who I'd email or text next, "Poor me I'm a victim how dare you." That's exactly what happened. Poor me. This is why, I've been teased most of my life and now I just want to scream back. Since I was 6 to 41 someone finds a flaw in me to make fun of. And I can't handle it. I have to stop being a pussy and deal with life. Someone once told me, this is kind of related, that no matter how hard you try to be the best person you can, you will still manage to piss someone off. Be it jealousy, your hair-do, your fur coat, the way you laugh, whatever.
It isn't worth it if you are in the same boat I'm in. You don't want to live the next day. You want to curl up in your bed and not move. One cheap thrill gives you all of this: Guilt, maybe losing friends, anguish, headaches, not exercising, maybe a bad reputation, maybe trouble with your job, shame. I'm calling the pharmacy first thing in the morning. The $150 a month is worth saving me.
I craved the hangover food of course but I wasn't too terrible. I had an omelet with avocado, salsa, and ortega chiles for brunch. Evil fake nachos with jalapeños and popcorn at the movie. Real nachos with black beans, evil melty white cheese, the hottest salsa known to man, and guacamole.
I texted three friends today what happened I haven't heard back, the pit gets heavier. I work in the morning and I just want to sleep in. However I can bury myself in my bed tonight. I can't be more sorry.
I did get a wake up call this morning. I play victim then I go ahead and bully that person out. Why did this start in my 30s? Loneliness? Feeling that no one wants to be with me? That jobs haven't treated me the way I want to be treated? Feeling rejected is not getting your way. Maybe I'd 'had it.' I had a friend tell me a few years ago, who's about 22, say how heartbroken he/she is. I wanted to say I've been through the ringer and you don't know heartbreak brothah/sistah. It's not fair and you have to be tough. Lessons, not regrets remember? I'm still crying. I have no shoulder. I could keep trying but it's late. Then I think maybe I don't deserve a shoulder. I did a lot of self-loathing today and not any love. Then I thought life is what you make it and humans make the rules. Love yourself don't hate.
HOORAY a friend just got back with me. Thank you friend. You need your pals. She's telling me I'm really sensitive (so so true!). I do worry about hurting other's feelings and think it's the end of the world when I do. But what about me? I hurt my own feelings in the process. You have to love yourself and others. I'm also a hypocrite being a yogi. That's it I'm becoming a Buddhist.
Love,
SG
*note: I didn't call the pharmacy until December 20. I promise to you and to myself to stay on it for at least six months. My year quit actually required me staying on it for a year. I will give you an update.
It isn't worth it if you are in the same boat I'm in. You don't want to live the next day. You want to curl up in your bed and not move. One cheap thrill gives you all of this: Guilt, maybe losing friends, anguish, headaches, not exercising, maybe a bad reputation, maybe trouble with your job, shame. I'm calling the pharmacy first thing in the morning. The $150 a month is worth saving me.
I craved the hangover food of course but I wasn't too terrible. I had an omelet with avocado, salsa, and ortega chiles for brunch. Evil fake nachos with jalapeños and popcorn at the movie. Real nachos with black beans, evil melty white cheese, the hottest salsa known to man, and guacamole.
I texted three friends today what happened I haven't heard back, the pit gets heavier. I work in the morning and I just want to sleep in. However I can bury myself in my bed tonight. I can't be more sorry.
I did get a wake up call this morning. I play victim then I go ahead and bully that person out. Why did this start in my 30s? Loneliness? Feeling that no one wants to be with me? That jobs haven't treated me the way I want to be treated? Feeling rejected is not getting your way. Maybe I'd 'had it.' I had a friend tell me a few years ago, who's about 22, say how heartbroken he/she is. I wanted to say I've been through the ringer and you don't know heartbreak brothah/sistah. It's not fair and you have to be tough. Lessons, not regrets remember? I'm still crying. I have no shoulder. I could keep trying but it's late. Then I think maybe I don't deserve a shoulder. I did a lot of self-loathing today and not any love. Then I thought life is what you make it and humans make the rules. Love yourself don't hate.
HOORAY a friend just got back with me. Thank you friend. You need your pals. She's telling me I'm really sensitive (so so true!). I do worry about hurting other's feelings and think it's the end of the world when I do. But what about me? I hurt my own feelings in the process. You have to love yourself and others. I'm also a hypocrite being a yogi. That's it I'm becoming a Buddhist.
Love,
SG
*note: I didn't call the pharmacy until December 20. I promise to you and to myself to stay on it for at least six months. My year quit actually required me staying on it for a year. I will give you an update.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Lessons, not regrets
This is an important rule. I was the queen of beating myself up now I have to realize I am only human, and not the dumbest, craziest, clumsiest (name an adjective)...
I am 41 and I repeated something I had done yesterday (a mistake) when I was 21. Immediately I think, "I am stupid, I will always do this, I'm lazy, not focused. Just fire me!" Then I came home today from running errands, had a cry, and decided to stop the inner abuse. Reasons why I drank and smoked: Loneliness, it felt good, and to escape the feeling that everyone thinks that I am a total moron. I also grew up being teased and my first job I was excited about I was ridiculed by co-workers. I just made a mistake. I get another shot at just focusing more and taking the job more seriously next week, and I need to wipe away the mean co-workers and bully classmates who don't exist anymore. Also is it me, but the more nervous I get the 'dumber' I seem. Sometimes I can't even speak in real sentences when I'm on edge. Please tell me this is normal. Hmmm maybe I'll google that. Or, you are what you think. Say, you think, "I hope I don't screw up" and of course you do because you thought that. Is the mind that mysterious? "No, you're just an idiot." :) With the first job yesterday where I made the mistakes, I was actually highly praised for my strengths. I was just reminded to be sharper using the equipment. That wasn't an insult. My fingers were not being quick that's all, but my mouth was perfect. Now I don't have to tell you that we humans are very talented at looking at the crappy stuff we did and forgetting our real talents.
At my second job last night, however, I cared less what people thought and of course I nailed everything.
Lessons...
I'll focus and relax next week and give you a full report.
Never beat yourself up. Always pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Pat your back often.
Love,
SG
I am 41 and I repeated something I had done yesterday (a mistake) when I was 21. Immediately I think, "I am stupid, I will always do this, I'm lazy, not focused. Just fire me!" Then I came home today from running errands, had a cry, and decided to stop the inner abuse. Reasons why I drank and smoked: Loneliness, it felt good, and to escape the feeling that everyone thinks that I am a total moron. I also grew up being teased and my first job I was excited about I was ridiculed by co-workers. I just made a mistake. I get another shot at just focusing more and taking the job more seriously next week, and I need to wipe away the mean co-workers and bully classmates who don't exist anymore. Also is it me, but the more nervous I get the 'dumber' I seem. Sometimes I can't even speak in real sentences when I'm on edge. Please tell me this is normal. Hmmm maybe I'll google that. Or, you are what you think. Say, you think, "I hope I don't screw up" and of course you do because you thought that. Is the mind that mysterious? "No, you're just an idiot." :) With the first job yesterday where I made the mistakes, I was actually highly praised for my strengths. I was just reminded to be sharper using the equipment. That wasn't an insult. My fingers were not being quick that's all, but my mouth was perfect. Now I don't have to tell you that we humans are very talented at looking at the crappy stuff we did and forgetting our real talents.
At my second job last night, however, I cared less what people thought and of course I nailed everything.
Lessons...
I'll focus and relax next week and give you a full report.
Never beat yourself up. Always pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Pat your back often.
Love,
SG
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The nuts have me
I remember in yoga teacher training one of the instructors explained how food can nourish you by you having the food, or how you can get out of control by "the food having you". Or is it the food eating you? Try this meditation: Sit quietly with a bowl of grapes, nuts, berries, cooked rice or other grain...something healthy. Now close your eyes and slowly chew that food. Picture it going down your esophagus. What is the food doing to your body or what will it? Breathe deeply. Do this for five to ten minutes. I hope you feel as fantastic as when I do this exercise. Luckily I catch myself thinking about cigs and alcohol using this visual technique without actually smoking or drinking. I just close my eyes and visualize the acts. The smoke entering my lungs, not all of it coming back out, some of it settling on my tissue. The wine going through my bloodstream and sending signals to my brain, beating on my dopamine levels, making me dizzy, elated, then angry or sad. Then I visualize the next morning. When you want to give into your vices a smart technique is pressing the FF button in your head. What did you do after you drank? Did you text, post, or email anything? Did you flirt or argue with anyone? Did you just watch mindless TV and get a headache the next morning? How was your day after?
So here I was with a bag of five TJ's chocolate-coated ginger snaps (I am a huge fan of the grocery store and when they finally opened in my state last Friday I happily bought snacks I've never tried before) and a glass of almond milk in front of the TV. No I didn't press Fast Forward, I was too busy enjoying the cookies and milk in front of a Christmas TV moment. Damn you TV and Fred Claus. One cookie turns into the five, one glass of milk into two. Then I'm out but there's still 1/2 movie left so I get the cashew bag. Oy. TV is sure evil. Need a new strategy. Yoga mat in front of TV. Yoga mat nailed to floor in front of TV. Weights on rack nailed to the floor in front of TV. :) I'll think of something. Dinner was almond tea (hey I apparently was a nut tonight) and a Caesar salad with grilled salmon. Could be PMS or the healthy dinner because boy it was snack time when I got home!
At least...
I ain't...
...and it's definitely hot yoga at noon tomorrow!
Love,
Smobergirl
33 days
Letting go
Notice a pattern? Oh I'm a month clean. Woot! So, about 15 years ago I was diagnosed with mild anxiety. I've always been on my toes about worrying about just about everything since I was six. However now I have this fun, relaxing life. I have another media job that is extremely lenient which is rare and the other jobs are fun and I'm in control. So how come I still have this nagging voice in the back of my head of worry and alarm? Am I conditioned? Do I blame the past jobs which had me chewing on my nails? It's not the same anymore, and I need to learn how to enjoy life and relax once and for all. What I need to keep up is eating calming foods, maybe limit the caffeine or eliminate it, and keep up the hot yoga. Maybe get a massage. Keep playing with el gato. Watch funnier movies. You know I have this love/hate thing with my iced coffee, well more love but I hope it's not interfering, that's why I have experimented with nixing it for a month and I did feel better. Oh what's a girl to do? ;)
It's a dreary cloudy day, which I secretly like. I just wish we'd get more snow. Breakfast: water, iced coffee, and sesame Ezekiel toast with avocado and pink salt. I have a strawberry, banana, and kiwi smoothie in the fridge from yesterday. Feeling much better. I have eliminated dairy 95%. I am back to eating salmon which feels nice. Tons of salads still. My new thing is sprouts on everything, bitter green salads, and nut pate wraps in romaine. I'm still the romaine and butter lettuce, and endive, wrap queen. Endive makes an excellent cracker and chip substitute. My only downfall besides coffee maybe now is the chocolates from the new Trader Joe's that just opened. TJ's! The good thing is that they have fruits and veg you can't find anywhere else. I got a bag of mini sweet potatoes which I baked last weekend and they were caramelly and amazing. Just a little coconut oil and sea salt are delicious on those.
Just one crave but luckily I had TJ's (like that segue?) dark chocolate salted turbinado sugar almonds on hand. Don't get near the dark chocolate ginger cookies either. Pure kryptonite. Anything but smokin' and drinkin'!
SG
One month and two days
It's a dreary cloudy day, which I secretly like. I just wish we'd get more snow. Breakfast: water, iced coffee, and sesame Ezekiel toast with avocado and pink salt. I have a strawberry, banana, and kiwi smoothie in the fridge from yesterday. Feeling much better. I have eliminated dairy 95%. I am back to eating salmon which feels nice. Tons of salads still. My new thing is sprouts on everything, bitter green salads, and nut pate wraps in romaine. I'm still the romaine and butter lettuce, and endive, wrap queen. Endive makes an excellent cracker and chip substitute. My only downfall besides coffee maybe now is the chocolates from the new Trader Joe's that just opened. TJ's! The good thing is that they have fruits and veg you can't find anywhere else. I got a bag of mini sweet potatoes which I baked last weekend and they were caramelly and amazing. Just a little coconut oil and sea salt are delicious on those.
Just one crave but luckily I had TJ's (like that segue?) dark chocolate salted turbinado sugar almonds on hand. Don't get near the dark chocolate ginger cookies either. Pure kryptonite. Anything but smokin' and drinkin'!
SG
One month and two days
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