Focus.

What do I really want? What do I need to do to be my best self? It is vital that I stop binge drinking. Without it, I am one of the nicest people I know, I am forgiving, peaceful, happy, silly, intelligent, creative, and passionate. Under the influence I am negatively passionate, feel like the world owes me one, send nasty emails, texts, blogs, etc.

I have to start taking this seriously, and no more excuses. There is no such thing as just one glass or three. Or I'll think I won't get out of control then I get into crazy drunk mode and want to tell someone off, or black out and do something stupid.

Now, my friends are shocked by this, because it's my personality turned around a 180. Most of them said I didn't seem like a smoker to them also. I'm this happy health-conscience, caring, driven, creative being by day, and Ms. Hyde by night. Is there a reason for it that I need to figure out, or do I do it just to feel good? Jebus, I should have done this on post #1. I think lonliness is a big issue for me. But if I make goals to transform myself, plus be more social, I am more than likely to find new friends and a potential love interest. I need to take that seriously as well. I can get the free entertainment papers and find social events. I already subscribed to a singles thing with the symphony, but there are 5 for the year and quite spread out. However, the first one was a fabulous time.

I actually have achieved a lot since starting this blog:

1. I lost a few pounds and I'm getting compliments on my skin from eating less dairy, breads, and no or occasional fried foods; and of course drinking and smoking less.

2. I no longer think I'm an idiot. In fact I am perfectly normal and even pretty awesome.

3. I'm back to being creative in the kitchen and being selective where I eat out.

4. I am keeping my living space clean and a safe haven.

5. I am back to doing spa activities at home. Saving money yet taking care of myself.

6. Drinking more tea and less coffee.

That's not too shabby. Things to work on:

1. Not feeling so damn lonely.

2. Not feeling like a victim.

3. More exercise

4. Work on more 'feel good' (healthy) foods. That was the main experiment goal to feel better.

5. Do not put toxins or bad food into my body that make me feel sad, heavy, or nervous.

I started last week walking the treadmill 30 minutes a day, either at once or 15 minutes twice a day. Then I add Gilad, the Bowflex, or yoga on top of that. I also started drinking a scoop of green powder a day. It doesn't taste horrible if I add lemon to it, and I just feel better when I drink it. Greens Plus is a good brand, but currently I am using Whole Foods greens blend, Garden Greens Berry Splash (tastes fruity and not grassy), and Amazing Meal Chocolate Infusion (I like to put that in my smoothies). I discovered green powder at that yoga bootcamp three years ago, and Baron would have us chant, "Grass grass up the ass!". You had to have been there.

So as the Skinny Bitches say (www.skinnybitch.net), I need to stop being a 'pussy' (that's what they said!) and just start taking care of myself. So there you go. Focus, eat well to boost my mood, eliminate toxins, exercise, make goals, stop being a pussy. :)

Love,

Smobergirl

Day two

I'm still alive.

The sadness is disappearing. I'm listening to another Passages CD. The owner is talking about the I Ching. I didn't mention that I saw an ad on a bus today that said "Stay Sober". Really. It's funny what jumps out at you. I'm a believer in synchronicity. So there is my crazy lunch I had from Sage's, a Guac N' Roll without the bun, because I knew there would be a huge, fatty dinner tonight. There's the satsuma. So delicious. I was right, my French friends made scalloped potatoes with milk and cream, a fabulous bean salad (beans, scallions, cider vinegar, and olive oil), and another duck. Step-mom made mac and cheese which I had three bites of. Delicious, but I am getting more serious about not eating dairy period in the near future. And bread made in a new maker my French friends got for my dad and step-mom. Then we watched The Queen, a charming movie. Then I got an iced coffee because I'm crazy and had a craving for it. I am going to focus on the CD now and attempt to sleep.

Namaste and thanks for staying with me. The smober journey must start now.

~Smobergirl

Day one on Friday the 13th.

Bad karma has found me. If I did not drink a particular night I wouldn't have made a mess. It bit me in the bum today. I am at my father's and my stomach is sinking. I am actually in my car to let it all out, and I have to go back in soon. Sometimes you need to hit the bottom to stop a bad habit. It's not the very bottom, but I have upset someone. That to me is bad enough. The last thing I want is to be obnoxious and hurt others, and that only happens when I get blotto. I am sad enough already and I don't need to make my life worse by doing meaningless negative talk. Thanks. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

Namaste.

Spirits are up!

Guitar lesson rocked. That is really good therapy. When I crave I should just take Rico out for a spin. Arpeggios and scales are mesmerizing. He sounds so hot you don't even know it. :)

My car smelled delicious by leaving an opened satsuma in it. Whole Foods has them right now with the stems still on them. Natural mood enhancer!

My tea tastes like olives but I like it. I got it at Cafe Noir on 200 S. and...where am I...1000 E.?

I love Fall. The sun still warms up your car and I like kicking the golden and fuscia leaves.

I just bought the new Joshua James album Build Me This. It's perfect on this quiet Autumn afternoon.

I am feeling more hopeful now, and dinner with the French will be teriffic.

~Smobergirl
I don't need substances to get me high.

Okay the Moby mug is back in my lap.

I just got a call from my father and I'm going up to his house this afternoon to eat "French style" with my friends. Those wacky Europeans like to have dinner very early. Maybe that's why they are so thin. My spirits are instantly lifted from the phone call. The family does not know of my current dependance on wine and fancy cigs. I did approach them in 2002, and my mother said no, I don't have a problem, and my father said get a job that requires me to get up at 7 am. Neither parent has checked up on me about it since. My brother just never got back to me on the subject. I asked a good friend if she had the time to call me every day to remind me to stay clean and she said she'd love to, but never did. But I told you a few weeks ago that another buddy did call out of the kindness of her heart to check up on me. It was only once and only she has done that out of all of my friends, but I loved every minute of that phone call! Okay the seeds are back in the kitchen. You have to make these. They are good in protein, magnesium, and zinc, and low in cholesterol. If you put salt on them of course I recommend sea salt. I made this pitcher of hibiscus tea. It also has roiboos and rose hips in it. "Fruity tea". It tastes like Red Zinger.

Okay it's off to the showers for me. Have a wonderful afternoon!

~Smobergirl

Day one.

I chose to delete that last drunken post. Actually that was my first drunken post! Some of my heroes have the mantra "Let it go". That's a pretty good one. I can be quite the drama queen and it's not my past employer's faults that I didn't become a full-time DJ superstar. Even as a part-timer I did pretty well for myself! There was just no money in it. Actually, it is very true what they say about radio, especially nowadays. You just either do it for the fame and glory and/or for the love of it.

I have some quinoa cooking, and an iced coffee here. Hey I made some fabulous roasted pumpkin seeds yesterday. Quinoa's done and I just put in some sauteed mushrooms, shitakes and chantarelles. Pumpkin seeds were not enough to stave away the craves unfortunately, but they turned out great!

Scoop out seeds from a pumpkin and clean off the goo in a bowl of water. Pat dry seeds on paper towels. Place them on a metal or glass baking sheet (use parchment paper if you want on a metal sheet to prevent burning). Drizzle with olive oil and go to town with whatever spice you like! You can even use soy sauce. I used sea salt, curry powder, and that dang UFO Dust.

Set oven to 350 and bake for 15 minutes. stir around seeds and keep baking for 5 minutes at a time until crispy to your liking. I baked mine for about 30. Eat a handful and don't keep the mug of seeds by you like I'm doing or else you will empty it in no time. Okay my Moby mug is back in the kitchen. www.teany.com.

I don't know what got into me, and the craves started at 3 pm! This is a story of karma gone bad. I get my vices at 4 pm, can you believe it. Well, some people drink in the morning too. By 6 I get a voicemail from my dad. Apparently he called right at four and I didn't hear the phone. Our French friends are still in town until Sunday, and I was invited to a lasagna dinner. Bugger! Why didn't I catch that call??? Fudge fudge fudge fudge. That would have saved me. Well, the truth is I won't get phone calls every day, and I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Isn't there a supplement you can take that when you drink it makes you throw up? I have to google that. Also, I'm going to make that list of 20 other options a day, maybe ten. Ten at least. Because recently I've only made 1-3 options, like a movie (oh I don't know if it's any good), food (I'm not hungry), and a show (oh it's not until 10 pm). Bugger. Okay today I might get weepy, but I did learn a valuable lesson: Wait it out and you might be invited to a lasagna dinner, or something like that.

Smobergirl

Cat's in the bag!