Zen in 2010.

You know it! Yoga is medicine, like Baron Baptiste told me at a Mexico bootcamp three Mays ago. You feel a thousand times more relaxed after power yoga, and a high. Why I didn't do it consistently starting August 18 beats the heck out of me. Now I'm starving. It's Amy's mac n' cheese and a big salad when I get home.

90 in 90.

I think I going to attempt something crazy, since I'm already there. Ha ha. The AA meetings obviously were not happening. But I think the church of Smobergirl would be into 90 yoga classes in 90 days. I'd lose the weight faster, and it would be better for my soul than listen to a bunch of stories. AA has helped so many, I am not knocking it, but I get a sence of euphoria when I do a physical activity then meditate. I'm going for it starting today.

~Smobergirl

Diamonds

I hope this pic does justice. I love the snow here. Sometimes I even love driving in it (because I have a Subie and it kicks ass). But I mostly love it when it sparkles on the ground when it's fresh. I was in 1st grade on the front lawn one day and I saw snow on the hill sparkling. I'd pretend they were diamonds and I'd sit in the middle and they'd sparkle all around me. Can you see the sparkles?

I'm crying my brains out but I am not a victim and I feel better. I meditated and forgave myself and the people I had conflicts with. Mentally I cut the cord from my old work, the bottle and the pack. They do not serve me anymore. And I need to leave my old boss alone with no more blotto emails before I get served or something. In order to do that I need me back. Drunk me is the Hyde to the real me. I can't trick myself anymore. No more denial. This is serious. I need to fudging grow up. It's time to heal and move on and jump in with faith with both feet. It's gonna hurt. But it will get much better. Oh and that was my soup tonight at Sage's. I got love soup!

I can do this, and sometimes you have to die in order to live.

~Smobergirl

I am at a nice coffeehouse having my second iced coffee. I don't want to go home and I feel alone and scared. Well what do you know, my dad just called. He must have known! I just want to prove my point that if you put positive things in your body life will be much easier and better. See how crappy mine is right now? It's like the movie sliding doors. What would my life be like if I wasn't a drunk? Let's find out, eh?

I am giving up on myself. My step-mom said my step-sis who I think is ten years younger than I am, cries all the time because she can't find the right guy. I'm way past her and is this what happens when you feel alone and worked your butt off trying to get your dream job and you are just one step below but 14 years go by and you start self-destructing? I'm going crazy. I turning into something I'm not. Please lock me up. A padded room and a nice white jacket with long sleeves feels pretty tempting right now. Great now I have the song Institutionalized stuck in my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. Well, I do. I just watched the movie Nine and there was a line in it that struck a chord. "Don't let the devil use your creativity."

Changes.

One problem an alchie has is a number of sayings to 'end' his or her alcoholism. "Never again" is a good one, but in my case, "On New Years Eve" is also a good one. However I have another plan. It's not good, because I am drinking right now and I owe you all $20 each. My brilliant plan is tonight is the last hurrah, and how many last hurrahs have I had? I want to keep it this time. Tomorrow I will stay sober, and NYE I have to stay sober because NYD I have a yoga class at 10 am, then things are going to change. They have to change.

~Smobergirl