Just went to the bank and withdrew $40 to go into the Diane Von Fustenberg fund basket.

The joy of acid.

Feeling hopeful and on the path to eating much better. But even though I have my cold press at home, there is a joy of going out to a coffee shop with hot students and busy chess players, and getting my punchcard stamped. I had dry granola (Tree Hugger, my favorite) with fresh chuncks of mango and pineapple, and a hard boiled egg for breakfast. Feeling: Light but not quite energized. Could be smoking withdrawals. Lunch was 3 oz. salmon with yogurt dill sauce and caprese salad leftover from Cucina. Again I felt light and more awake. I saw an episode of "The Truth About Food" with Dr. Oz yesterday, and they proved that eating tomatoes every day decreased skin burning, but don't nix your sunscreen.

I have yet another new plan. They just keep coming! When I was little I would do anything for bribery. My mother taught me well. In the past few years I always wanted a Diane Fustenberg wrap dress. She invented the wrap dress in the 50s or 60s I think, and she still makes them. But they are insanely expensive. So maybe I can quit bingeing for sheer materialism. I spend $30 to $60 on a night binge, 2-3 times a week. A DVF dress usually starts at $350. So every other day starting today, I'm putting $40 away to be saved for the dress. And maybe I'll change my mind and save for a vacation. But I always wanted a classic DVF.

~Smobergirl

Feeling distraught today. Even thought of cancelling the blog again. I'm having a flight or fight day. I wanted to cancel everything: the online dating site, weed out my facebook friends, stay at home and shut out the world. I even plotted my death and had a brilliant plan, but of course I won't. I'm having the issue that I have tons of love from fans, some love from friends and family, but only cat love at home. I'm so lonely I am about to explode. See what depressants do to you and yes I thought I could control it again. I was afraid to blog to find police or an ambulance at my door waiting. My life is actually pretty good so what am I doing? I think the grass is greener on the other side for most people. I need a new habit and lifestyle and prove that my life will be better by what I put into my body. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to do it with.

The difference.

I don't know if I have mentioned the different experience between enjoying a glass of wine with dinner and downing a bottle at home while smoking. It's Hammeranylitical time! The same wine will actually taste different depending on the situation. The flavor will actually not be as intense or enjoyable bingeing, my conclusion being that the smoke dulls the flavor, and so does intoxication, and perhaps "mindless drinking" also takes he flavor away. It's so much better with a meal, and one glass, not one 750ml bouteille. I think that's how you say it in French. It's pronounced "boo-tay" which is awesome.

Focusing on food and exercise

I had an epiphany this morning and went a little crazy. I put my AA book in the trash and decided to get real. I know I'm flip flopping here, but does it make sence to drink 5-7 goblets of wine a night and be a nutrition student?Am I drinking just like a mindless eater? Do I do it to sleep better and kill the lonliness? Yes? Do I need to keep doing it because it doesn't sound healthy to me, and I also think I can lose weight if I stop. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm going to start over and do things my way. Eat for my health, mood, and body. Work out to keep the endorphins up and sleep better. Call friends or go to an event if I am lonely. We'll see if that works.

~Smobergirl

Light vs. Heavy

Not the best start to my day. I took a sleepy yoga class, then had a portabello, spinach, and hummus sandwich with three baked Cajun potato wedges at a local diner and there's a brick in my stomach. Due to craves and feeling funky, I do some emotional eating, like the comforts of Cajun fries dipped in fry sauce. Bad move. It was fun at the time though. I have a bunch of greens, avocado, nuts, and pineapple at home. I think I'll whip up something light and tasty later on. Like that vegan ranch I made, it was so tasty and I felt light but not deprived afterwards.

~Smobergirl

Feeling good. Getting back into more yoga. I went to a great express class yesterday. Then I went to restore this morning and I definately wanted something more than sitting or lying for 90 minutes focusing on my chakras, so I think I'll stick to vinyasa stuff. I'm still eating some kind of orange citrus every morning, and trying to stick to only drinking my cold press coffee. I really like my sponsor still and she has me call her every day. There are actually some stories in the 'big book' that I can relate to. The only thing I'm not doing is the steps, I don't mean to be ignorant but I'd like to try just to clean up, then do what feels right or just start living again.