Whew!

Fudge fudge fudge. Right after my shift I had fierce craves. This drug is actually a godsend. I just can't drink, that's what is saving me. Yes, people have drank on it or stopped taking it for a binge, but I'm not like that. Gotta stay on it. So I did more self-bribery and thought if a night binge costs anywhere between $20-40, then tonight I can have a pizza/gelato night out, then go to my favorite skate shop and look at the cute girl clothes. That should do it. Then The Bachelorette is tonight or at least a hot bath to look forward too. Iced coffees are also an option. ;) Okay Tarzan feel good now.

~Smobergirl

Boost

I got this stuff online (Oprah loves it) that claims to help your energy, focus, recovery, and immune system. I don't get a jolt or anything but it tastes good. It has green tea and water-soluble vitamins. Doesn't seem too bad at all. It tasted REALLY good with the leftover red Roiboos tea I had. Then I had more mock tuna salad at noon. I'm bringing raw tacos to the station. Feeling good and I have a sense of well-being. And it's overcast outside but 80 degrees. I can live with that.

~Smobergirl

Ow.

Everytime I go to yoga now it kicks me in the ass. Back hurts, butt hurts. Armpits again. Anyway it hurts so good.

Day 15! That's 1/2 a month. My appetite is back. Lips not so dry. I do love my straight low maintenence hair. May have some getting used to but it's nice. Made cold pressed coffee and I will have granola with fruit this morning. Last night I made Matt Amsten's mock tuna salad and it's fantastic. For lunch today I'll make Sarma's "noodle" salad with Asian dressing. Her book is called Living Raw Food. I don't know if I blogged about the pineapple cilantro smoothie that's in the book, but it's actually very refreshing! Speaking of I feel refreshed, sore but awake this morning.

Swan painting is looking good. I had a weird dream about doing a guitar lesson in front of about 20 people in my teacher's home. My thumb is healing so I have been practicing. You need that bass thumb for classical guitar. I've been on quitnet.com more than usual the past few days. There is a forum for alkie smokers and that gets me going in a positive way.

Happy Memorial Day. I feel grateful to be smober.

~Smobergirl

Stuff...

Gosh dangit all to freakin heck. I've been in this funk all facking week. Detoxing? Pills? Just going nuts?? Death from smobering?

The observer in me wants to believe that this is the crazy emotional part of an early detox. I have been smoking and drinking since I was 24, bingeing since I was 31. So I'm trying not to act so shocked. Today I cried, didn't feel good enough, freaked out at my relaxed hair which is actually what I wanted (it's 1000% easier than my crazy German messy hair, and worst case it will come back if I miss it), whined that I'm a spoiled brat, whined I'm not 'normal', blah blah blah. Okay. Breathe...


Other than that, I had a great morning!! I woke up at 7:45 AWAKE AND REFRESHED (surprise....and finally), went to Power 1 & 2 at 8:30 and felt liberated. I had a cup of fresh pineapple and grapefruit, raw tacos, and 2 oz. leftover steak which went mostly to the beggars (the cats). Took another drive to Park City and the first emotional wave came up on the drive back. Then I had more steak, cucumber slices, and a beautiful little carrot, with a frozen coconut bar for dessert. Then I flopped on the Love Sac and hid under my Aunt's blanket and watched an episode of Chefs Of Beverly Hills, which portrays the clients as always hideously demanding and impossible, which made me pretty happy to live in Salt Lake, and not be a chef. Now I'm better but a little tired. I made a big pitcher of Jamiaca Red Rooibos tea, which tastes a lot like Red Zinger. I promised myself to work on the swan painting during Extreme Home Makeover tonight, which is a Sunday night ritual. Then guitar and French possibly, and probably Kundalini yoga which I did last night (really awesome) or yoga from my Lululemon "The Pursuit of Happy Hips" DVD.

Stuff definitely came out today. I hope that's a good thing. It was stuff I buried under my drinking, so I think I'm on the right path here. I learned a ton about myself this beautiful Sunday.

~Smobergirl

Lazy.

I make too many rules. What do you think? Should I give myself a month to be a slob and eat/TV myself through recovery? At least I was vegan today. After a vegan sausage with sun dried tomatoes and basil covered in raw onions and mustard two hours ago, I wolfed a cup of vegan mac and cheese w/ raw garlic and grape tomatoes with a cup of red pepper soup. Burp.

I did do some light lifting and abs with Gilad today. Took a bath but I want another one. I think I am resorting to my childhood again. Comfort food, bubble baths. Sure helps the recovery. Got a little emotional again driving to Park City on today's joy ride. My lips feel fabulous finally though. :D

Yeah yeah, I think it's perfectly normal to go gung ho one day and totally procrastinate the next. I need to give myself a break. Two weeks sober tomorrow!

~Smobergirl

Day 13.

Lucky 13. I hope so. I woke up at 7:45. Waking up early for a change feels really good. No guilt feels even better. I'm still a little sleepy today though. I took my Antabuse and I'm just doing it in the mornings now, that's when I remember to take it. I had granola with coconut water, peanut butter, and chunks of pineapple today with a 1/2 grapefruit sprinkled with ground flax seeds. Swan painting is almost done. It's an overcast good painting day. First I may take a nice drive in the mountains. I did some light weight lifting and I'll try Jillian Michaels' No Trouble Zones that I got from Netflix. I need to be more patient about my weight and not be obsessed. The weight is not falling off from not drinking, but I feel tons better and that's the important part. I'm waking up earlier. My face definitely looks better. I don't have that bloated feeling. I did lose on my side ribs though and the sides of my face, I'll tell you that, but not so much the tummy yet. Heck it's only been two weeks, but I'll take the benefits I've gotten so far. And all this time I was obsessed with the negative effects of the alcohol. What about the cigarettes?? I still cough a little and feel a gross 'smokey film' in my chest once in a while, but I know it's leaving my body. I know it's disgusting, knowing it stays in your body like that. But I am assuming and hoping it will eventually all go away. The incline treadmill is getting easier, and so is in-line skating. I love to in-line skate, I don't know if I ever mentioned it. I must take pictures. But today it looks like it's gonna rain. Like I said, good painting (guitar practice, French lesson) day.

~Smobergirl

Lazy day.

Raw burritos by Matt Amsden:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McVhjg38L4E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McVhjg38L4E
Don't be afraid of the hippies, kids. ;)

I like the collard greens because they are hearty enough to hold everything together, but not tough to bite into. It is indeed nature's tortilla. Sometimes I cheat and buy Rico's salsa instead of making it myself.

I made more sweet tater baked fries with dijon mustard. Still feeling good and relaxed, but maybe not as relaxed as The Bandit.

~Smobergirl