I'm not worthy.

Hi Wayne. ;)

Day 315 and I am feeling better. Stinkin' thinkin'. I'm really good at feeling guilty. It's one of my stronger talents. I'm eating well though and today was soup diet day, unintentionally. No breakfast (bad girl!), tomato basil for lunch and mulligatawny for dinner. My awesome Indian neighbor also made me a mango lassi. That's an Indian drink made with mango puree and yogurt. Yum!

I have been doing a lot of nothing lately, and that made me a little miserable. I'm just hoping and praying something wonderful will happen with teaching yoga. I'm still 'green' but I think I can be really good down the road. My teachers said I have a great personality and a nice voice. That's a start! I'm excited for Denver (the assisting workshop...did I mention that?) and Wanderlust. Another student from my training and a teacher friend of mine may be going to that.

Always around tax time my father gets stressed and tells me to get three jobs or be frugal or complains about something. Poor guy. Then that makes me feel unworthy. Maybe I should get a job at a coffee shop or record store. Oh hey! Queer prom is coming up. I'm DJing that and getting some good dinero for it. That's my favorite gig. The kids are great and fun to work with, and the light guy is the best, and helps set up and keep me in line and stuff. This will be year number 5 or 6.

I sold two big paintings and a bunch of fridge magnets already. I've had three art shows in three months and two more in the works. It's really good to be me in the art world right now. I need to brush dust off of my blank canvases though. Like I said, I've been a huge procrastinator lately. However the cure to my sadness is yoga, guitar, learning a new language, and art.

Now I feel even better. Like I said before this blog is therapy. It's like a journal. Now I will open Rosetta Stone, play some scales, and Read the Sutras until I pass out.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 315

I'm Naked!

You'll have to check out that song by Stereo Total. It's hysterical. I'm taking a bath in Ahava salts I found for cheapy price at TJ Maxx. Detoxifying. Got a face peel on. Quaffing spa water. (Slice a lemon and chill in a pitcher of water for at least an hour. You can also slice cucumber or orange and put in a fresh mint sprig.) Spa at home rocks!

On the agenda: Guitar lesson, Zumba, painting, French, calling bands for second non-profit radio Internet station concert.

Smobergirl

10 Months sober and tobacco-free

Ten-Month Hemp Shake

Oh it's so hemp-a-licious! Strawberry-chocolate-banana goodness!!!




1 Tbs Hemp seeds
3 tbs hemp protein and cocoa powder
1/4 cup freeze-dried bananas and strawberries
5 fresh strawberries
1/2 Acai frozen smoothie slab
5 frozen cranberries
1 tsp coconut oil
1/2 cup coconut water



YUM!

Ten months!

I feel so amazing, and blessed.

The ironic thing is, I had a crave from Hell last night for 15 minutes, then it disappeared like a wave, or a ghost leaving my body. It's been a month since the last one. I remember it was three days before the 9 month mark. So after the crave I got the cure: an iced coffee. Then I walked around Fashion Place for 30 minutes then met an AA crew at The Pie by the U. It's a fun group, they are mostly all in their 20s-30s. Good socializers.

So my mother will be in town tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to that. She's taking ME to Lady Gaga! I am especially thrilled because Scissor Sisters are opening, and I've been waiting about 4 years to see them. Yay!

Happy St. Patty's to ya! I need to hit the Iceberg for a Shamrock Shake or something...


Smobergirl
Day 304

Faith

You gotta have it. I can bear my testimony in so many coincidences and synchronicities. Also I chatted with my step-mom last night and I feel tons better and didn't see the big picture. Both trainings look actually eerily similar. I realized my teachers are just as amazing as my favorites. I didn't miss out on any special or better teaching I think now. My reality was that I didn't want to go through this school and try teaching or opening a studio just to fail, like I kinda felt I failed at being a radio DJ (which I absolutely didn't).

So here's today's synchronicity. Outside Whole Foods I ran into the other yoga teachers from the place my favorite is at. Craaaaazy! Had a nice chat and now I really feel better. It was what I needed. Can't believed that happened. Something wonderful is up with living on this planet. You gotta have faith. And no matter what anyone says I think George Michael is a fantastic man.

My friend wrote a book recently on healthy relationships, and she said in it that we need to learn to control our emotions a right way. There's more to it, but meaning be healthy, happy, and whole by your emotions. And by God, meditation has helped me so much. I would have felt happy learning from my favorite teacher because I think I just have a crush on him. My teachers were actually spectacular. The only beef I had was the astrology and fung shui part (which is actually kind of fun) and the girl who was judgmental when I was the judge of her.

You know what I love? Pineapple and red pepper in a stir fry. Lunch was Thai tofu curry with those two and really good shitakes from the new Whole Foods which was so busy because they just opened in Trolley Square. It is beautiful and ginormous though, and I got another gelato pint. Dangit I'm not appreciating what I have!! ;) Hey the mint choc is 1/2 way gone anyway. Didn't hurt to stock up.

Love,

Smobergirl

Sad.

Stuff. Now. Upset. Just read that my favorite yoga teacher is starting a training. Very upset. I felt hardly any connection to the one I took and it's a paradox. YOGA made me really mad in the past five months. God damnit. Crying. No, no one died but I am terribly frustrated. Going to meditate RIGHT NOW.

More meditation. More Zumba. More mint chocolate gelato.

Meaning I need to do more. Also, now I know why all of my AA pals are 'addicted' to working out, as in vigorously. It took me a year to figure this out. Yoga is nice and I highly praise it, but I should have listened to my step-mom. Get a punching bag. I had a crazy night and day folks.

I was hot all night and stayed up until about 4:30 am. Which would normally be 3:30 as of late since we barely changed our clocks, but that's still freaking early. I called in sick, which saved my butt. I was hot all day with a little tummy ache, but I kinda ate weird combos of food last night too. Maybe that was it. And here's my blog about eating right!! I had delicious Indian food at Himalayan Kitchen around 6:30. Then got this wacked out crave for vegan buffalo wings and a chocolate peanut butter soy shake from Vertical Diner at 9:30. I think when you are a former binge-drinker, you'll make any excuse to do crazy stuff. Like spend $200 on underwear but that's a different story. So yeah. Indian food, chilies, wheat meat and soy and chocolate. Maybe not a great combo. And Vinca said not to eat the processed soy.

The weird cool thing is that I woke up at 10 am feeling energized. I have been taking part of the "Dr. Perricone Perscription" for about two weeks and my energy level is fantastic. Really. I take Co Q-10 in the morning, with DMAE and pycnogenol twice a day. I'm also drinking water with green powder more. The bad thing is that I'm getting paranoid (a trait I'm an expert at) at being a spoiled brat, people who are driving me nuts but I don't have to deal with them, and what to do with this yoga thingy. My father, the former entrepreneur, may help me open a yoga studio. That is generous but also the spoiled brat part. Most of my life people picked and pick on me for being so lucky. So I have had this cloud of guilt over my head for freaking ever. But I am lucky and I am grateful. So what do I do, please my friends and turn down offers like these? Am I stupid and don't see a clear answer? Even in corporate radio, the name "trust fund baby" floated around my back. Mean, huh? I can't win with that one. It pisses me off. Okay. Then here's a really great opportunity. I have the opportunity to teach yoga at rehab centers. I plan to speak to a teacher I know who actually does that. I know her boyfriend very well too. I was really paranoid finishing my training then I thought of the things that I'd love to do with it, like teach addicts and play local, rock, and live music at some classes. Like my old PD at the corporate station said, "...just place your hands over your ears..." if people bug you. Best advice EVER. LOL. Because even in the yoga world there are judgments. It's actually sad. There was a person who worked at the yoga studio where I took the training who carried judgmental energy in spurts and I'm thinking, you shouldn't be here. It dampened my experience, and I didn't put my hands over my ears. So that was bothering me also because this person was part of the program and I let it get to me. I wished I waited for another training at another studio. But I am done and I can get started now on work if I want, and I have other yoga workshops I'm going to which will actually make me happy. So I think if I meditated through the teacher training, I would have dealt with it so much better.

AA pals being addicted to exercise: I took Zumba class #2 tonight and I'm going to sleep like a baby!! I was so relaxed afterwards, it's like night and day. Step-mom told me months ago that yoga is great and all, but maybe I should get a punching bag also and take some kick boxing. Vigorous aerobic workouts work better for my mood. I'm not at all dissing the yoga because you know I love it. I love the relaxation yoga, hatha, and gentle stretches give me; but after power yoga or breaking a sweat at kickboxing or dancing like Zumba, I feel freakin' high. So when my addy friends say they have to hit the gym, I know it's not to lose weight or to get fit necessarily. It's endorphins, dopamine, and seratonin that get elevated with vigorous exercise. I say yoga for soul, Zumba for mind. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

I do feel much, much better now and now I know what I have to do. I need to relax first and foremost. I need not to take things or people so darned or damned seriously. I need to plug my ears once in a while. And I need more freezer space.

Smobergirl
Day 302
63 days until 1 year sober and smoke-free!