I learned a lesson today.

I need to record South Park Again. Anyway as fate would have had it, I got lucky, and learned a ton from my worksheet I got from the shrink. Holy crap, okay one, I had a craving for a frozen hot chocolate at the aves chocolate shop and just when I get into my car and tune into my favorite community radio station, the DJ announces that this is his last day.  I freak out and immediately email his employers asking about the position. Two, this is where reality kicks in which is something I should had done since 1993, I realized that I have been harder than myself more than anybody. I did think for a second because I did email this station drunk before, but I didn't care because they probably don't either. Probably. :) If they do I still made the effort to contact them tonight and the worst they can say is no or nothing. I don't grab opportunities anymore because I'm afraid. But I'm not a mind reader. I don't know how they feel about me. I just assume everyone hated me but that's not true. I wish you'd been in my shoes tonight. Maybe the Wellbutrin's kicking in because I felt calm and super happy, and the fuzzy head went away finally. I wasn't hard on myself anymore. The mood worksheets are all about distorted thinking, and I had plenty of that pretty much all of my life. Tonight was an awakening for me, and making myself happy and having the lightbulb go off was liberating. It was a great lesson and I'm glad for once that I craved sugar. Ha ha. I enjoyed it in a park and just stared at the tree branches above me. I have a pic I'll post tomorrow of the tree. There's a small opening in the trunk big enough for a fantasy fairy or mouse's doorway. It's quite adorable.

Love,

Smobergirl

Doing 'Well'

However I've been tired and foggy-headed all day. Good with the bad eating. I think I'm ready to aim for more or all good tomorrow. It's the way I feel and imagine exactly what's in my body. I now have a boatload of greens and fruits that I can nosh on for the rest of the week. I also want to start looking my best. I've gained 13 pounds since I started bingeing again in February.

On that note, my first therapy session was today and an eye opener. I can't drink anymore because of the horror stories I read regarding mixing with Wellbutrin. My shrink also strongly believes the drug will eliminate my smoking cravings. He wants me to go back to AA. There is a small church I like to go to for that. At first I thought I'd go for him, but I can go and probably feel better doing it, at least 2 times a week for now. Or once so at least I can tell him I went. Like Antabuse, there's no way physically I can binge. Even better, I want to stay on Wellbutrin to feel the long-term effects. Six months.

Day 4


Love,

Smobergirl

Drugs?

Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.

Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?

Jeannie: Why are you here?

Boy in Police Station: Drugs.

Best movie ever. I just ate my weight in mizithra cheese. It hurts so good. I think I'll get an iced coffee and take a walk. Still sleepy. Feel good. Stuff wants to come out then I think silly, you are on mood altering drugs now. However it's only day one. I do feel pleasantly full and relaxed.


Love,


Smobergirl

Wellbutrin day one

Smober three days. I feel a little tired but that's about it. I'll keep you posted. I'm actually excited. I meet with an old shrink tomorrow and that will be regular as well. I have been eating healthier today and I loaded up on more smoothie items such as lemons, pineapple, cilantro, spinach, mango, and such.

I feel happy and relaxed. I may hit the sack early or walk around a bit. I have an Amy's enchilada in the oven. Life is good.

Love,

Smobergirl

Jeans

What I meant was that today, at 41 years of age, I barely find out that someone on the other side was also an alcoholic, not just one of my grandfathers. This person is very private and another member close to me just told me. I wasn't really surprised, but shocked to find out the truth just now. How's that for karma and timing? I was actually relieved because it shows how human this person is, and it could explain why I'm having troubles. It may not only be because I'm 1/2 German and part Irish. Ha ha. Now I really believe that things happen for a reason, like just barely finding out this news.

Okay it's way past my bedtime.

Love,

Smobergirl

I got the gene

Well I just found out today I got both genes! I talked to my confidant who got me on Antabuse in the first place and talked about counseling for real this time, and asking my doc if he'd recommend a prescription. I have an appointment next week. I'm actually excited and I wish I did it 2, no 10 years ago. However no regrets, life can still get a lot better. I love my supporter who is going to help me pull through this. It's a tough habit and I couldn't just snap out of it. I did some retail therapy and got a flannel I'm snuggling in now. It's extremely comforting. I'm also bringing a huge bag of clothes to the consignment shop next week, getting bangs again, and maybe I should just muscle through Bikram until my membership expires in two weeks. It did do wonders for my lungs. My flowers are multiplying, but the catnip is dying surprisingly. I thought it would outlive me. I love watching the Olympic games. It is a positive, inspiring program. It also makes me want to try new sports or exel in the ones I do. I also love you for reading and I am taking risks with this blog, but I am grateful to have inspired some of you. Love, Smobergirl

What part of "I learned my lesson" don't I understand?

Back to day one. I have the biggest headache of my life. My boyfriends Sauvignon blanc and Nat Sherman came over and we watched the olympic ceremonies. Chocolate milkshake wanted to come instead but I thought he was too boring. How come I always let the good ones get away and go after the bad boys? I'm healing. Drinking a blood orange iced tea and eating a vegan chicken salad sandwich from Sugarhouse Coffee. Get the sandwich toasted, it's delicious. I can't wait to get on the Wellbutrin this Monday now. I am anti-prescription mostly but anything sounds better than this headache now. I'm sad, I feel old. I look terrible and dehydrated. I know the routine of course. It feels good to be out and about. However I can't wait to snuggle with cat on the couch. I don't want to die now. I was well behaved last night but you never know if I keep this up. I want to practice my guitar when I get home. That's great self-help right now. Now that I have money I need to use it for good. I did get some great kale and a huge, amazing cucumber yesterday from the Sugarhouse farmer's market. I could use some fresh fruit. I was supposed to do Insanity weights today. Maybe I can do my own weights later. Headache is gone but I still feel fuzzy. Why can't I learn the lesson? I look like road kill, I feel worse. It's the same thing when I wine and smoke. Then that former co-worker's voice is in my head telling me he'd sue for email harassment. That will do the trick and I feel so much better. Yeah that's sarcasm. Yeah feeling down. That's typical. See all the benefits of bingeing? Lesson needs to be learned already, but I need support, not sarcasm. Love, Smobergirl