Breathe...

Okay I'm not as paranoid now after eating a wrap, flax seed powder, and a huge glass of water with Emergen-C. Okay so normal blood pressure is around 100-110 over 60-70. Mine was 89 then 92 over...the nurse didn't say. However, dizziness occurs around below 80, fainting below 70, coma at 60 and death below 50. So I'm not even close to death you see, albeit fainting. A little foggy headed, yes. I can blame the bupropion (Wellbutrin), my time of month (hormonal changes), and coffee (dehydration). Wellbutrin can also contribute to dry mouth, dehydration, and lower blood pressure. So I need to drink more fluids, mate. Yes I'll eat like a normal human being too, just no dairy. I did feel tons better without cheese during lent, even through all of the temper tantrums I had because I couldn't have it.

Smobergirl

Under pressure

My blood pressure is low, too low. Under 100 low. So I need to do some detective work. Could be the rabbit diet, the meds...I am getting enough sleep and exercising but I feel lethargic. I was rejected at ARUP trying to donate blood, that's how I found out. Anorexic diet no worky. I went vegan once and felt great but I ate a lot, including breads and wheat. Okay I have a confession, and I hope this is a lesson to all women with eating disorders. I was living on smoothies and salads 90% of the time for the last three weeks. I wonder why I'm so tired. I'm not a horse, I can't eat grass all day. My 'fat arms' were going down and I got hooked on eating only raw fruits and vegetables. For one, I made a drastic change there my friends. I never thought I'd ever, ever have an eating disorder. Am I getting my panties in a wad because I hardly had a pulse? Quitting smoking will lower your blood pressure, it happened to me before, but it was normal, not 80-something. I drink a ton of coffee and you'd think it would raise, but I am also dehydated. Lesson #1, maybe water-based foods aren't enough. Maybe coffee is too strong. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm not. I just want a perfect, healthy diet and yeah I want to look sexy. I'm 41 and since high school I've felt fat and dorky. Yes I'm also going back to the 'stupid' thing. I want to look mature and hot to look up for it, not like a 15-yr old with baby fat-looking skin. Yes, I'm on my period, which makes me want to get on Depo again, but I felt good when I got off of it during my 8-month quit. I think I'm just sad. I have been moping about, and not getting that much exercise lately, really. Maybe I'm not being active enough. Maybe I'm being a sloth.

I have been quit exactly a month today. Woo. I ate, vegan gluten-free food, but I feel better. I'll go out and get something more substantial.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 31

Has it been almost a week?

My apologies! It has been, drumroll, four weeks and two days. The torso is so much thinner. I feel better doing cardio, Namaste Yoga DVDs, or my Maya Fiennes Kundalini DVDs. Still hip-hoppin'. Life is good. I'm practicing Rico, the classical guitar more. It's a huge difference. I've been mostly good with the clean eating but I was actually grossed out having cheese on my 'cheat food' pizza at Vino with a friend yesterday, after eating their clean verdura salad. I am still eating salads before a meal mostly. That seems to help the digestion. Now I'm squirming trying not to dive into an iced coffee right after my colorful lunch. (You'll pour acid all over your alkaline food! Snyder says from The Beauty Detox Diet.) I'm waiting 20 minutes, but 20 minutes tops! I actually have about 8 minutes to go. Thank God for nicotine gum. (Play with Bandit for 5 minutes) AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Iced co-hee. Can't let it go yet. Speaking of roller coasters, I'm still up and down with it, but eventually I'd like to let it go for about six months to experiment.

Breakfast: 1/2 avocado and 1/2 pineapple. 8 ounces of iced coffee with almond milk.

Lunch: Goji Tropic Shake from Sarma Melgailis' book. Watercress, watermelon, lime juice, micro-greens, and tomato salad. Zucchini 'noodles' in raw marinara, just about 3 ounces.

I'm tired actually. More detox? Too much hip-hop? I am already looking better and losing the bloat at least. More importantly life feels 'normal' and I have better peace of mind. Well someone's taking a nap.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 30. One month down!

Aging

Hi. I am determined to experiment eating only whole foods or going vegan and or raw to see if my skin clears up. You can't prevent aging, but since the wrinkles are becoming more prominent and the neck is sagging just in the past seven months (since I started drinking and smoking again) with abstinence I wonder if I can look better. Kinda depressed tonight because of that. I did have a great evening though. I found a beautiful purple rag rug for $17 which is now a new cat bed of course, and Bandit slept on it on my lap, something he never does. It was wonderful. I'm almost done reading Beautiful Boy then it's onto Sheff's son's book Tweak. I will continue the positive mantras and see if I feel just as good in the morning as I did after watching Dyer last week.

Night,

Smobergirl

Control yourself

Take only what you need from it. lyrics to live by from the band MGMT. For me right now I'm not talking about wine or cigs, but money. I traded one addiction for another: Shopping. And in the last two years or so I really splurged, and about half of those things got donated or never used. I think shopping is the excitement of gathering. We were hunters and gatherers you know, and still are. This September if I eat just whole foods or go vegan or raw, I also want a shopping cleanse as part of the experiment. Shop at home, appreciate what I have, use the things I haven't, and have the wisdom to know the difference. Just kidding. I'll only spend on gas, food, and essentials. In place of shopping I can practice guitar, paint, make other stuff, play with the cat, spend more time with my father.

Eating well.Bread kills me but on a veg sandwich from Cafe Niche it was so chewy and delicious. Baby steps. Worked out a storm today: Elliptical machine, Hip-Hop Abs, and yoga.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 25

Being a hermit

It's normal for me to hide out in my pad for a month or so when I'm recovering. Sometimes I wish I were out there, but I just end up getting stuff done, or not, in my place. Sometimes a cold bowl of home-made almond milk, granola, oat groats, and berries hit the spot on a sweltering desert day. I'm feeling kind of achy, so yoga is in order. I have been hooked on the MTV Pilates video for a few days. The thighs hurt so good! However the emotional roller coaster keep going.  Sometimes I feel useless. Other times I feel content, others giddy and hopeful. And sometimes I want to move to Portland, Vancouver, or San Diego. I have no idea what the Wellbutrin is doing. My appetite has gone down since I've been taking it. Maybe that's why it's good for quitting smoking so you don't eat so much to replace cigarettes. People worry they'll gain weight if they quit. However I've been greatly depressed (I thought it was also an anti-depressant) and I assume that's emotional detox, 'stuff' coming out. I think I'll live though. I'm giving it some more time. The iced coffee intake is increasing to raise endorphins, and in turn I drink boatloads of water. And I make a mess. See coffee table above. I clean up too, don't worry. But it is like being a bachelor.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 24

Lazy Sunday Morning

I was so hungry I didn't take a photo of my lovely breakfast. No smoothie yet. I had the two last local farm eggs sunny side up cooked in grape seed oil with local tomatillo salsa and grape tomatoes. Local farmer's market strawberries, and a tiny piece of the last raw lasagna. I don't feel over-stuffed. I feel warm and fuzzy actually. Bandit and I are chillaxin on the balcony then it's shower time. I had my iced coffee in bed. It's a comfortable morning. I have four packets of VIA instant coffee left. I'll start mixing it with Teechino to wean off it. This is not going to suck. I have a new outlook on food and I think, "Do I want that in my body?" That seems to work, plus thinking what it is doing to my body. Would I want to put an animal part in here? Probably not, even though I had whole mussels last night with chopped chorizo. Okay so I've been a hypocrite, but it was a happy moment at the time and a healthier alternative to smoking and drinking. Baby steps. I have until September 1 to wean into a vegan and raw diet. Then the experiment begins. I've gone vegan before for lent, but I also drank coffee and wine plus smoked at the time even though I lost eight pounds. This will be a strict clean diet. Even the tea will only be herbal. I realize how time flies, and I can have fun with this, as well as save even more money on eating out and buying iced coffee. I'll be getting all of the junk out and pumping myself up with chlorophyll, energy foods, and anti-oxidants. Plus it will be exceptionally hydrating.

I am immensely enjoying Beautiful Boy and I have a clear understanding about methamphetamine, although I wouldn't touch that stuff with a million-foot pole. Wine and tobacco was my disease, and now I feel like a saint compared to what is happening in this book. However I can't even go back to the bottle + 1 glass and a pack of smokes a night. Gross, and I saw in a magazine the other day the "wine bottle glass", where you just pour a bottle into a glass. Sigh, some of the inventions out there.

Today I am going to Oktoberfest (see where did summer go?) with a friend and I may just have to eat saurkraut. We'll see. ;)

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 23