Actually it's 3:22. I fell again 2 nights ago. I made another enemy perhaps, drinking. I've been on quitnet.com all day. I told a few friends and one is taking me to a meeting this weekend. I'm afraid. I'm sad. I've been eating like crap too. I did make a pineapple cilantro shake this morning however. I had an IM chat with a friend in MD I met on Quitnet, a text chat with an AA friend, and others. I thought today it's just so easy to stop and change my life around again. Then why is it so hard? Also the second Hunger Games book kept me up. Not a book to read late. I had a hard time putting it down.
Since I'm hitting bottom again, and I'm getting my teeth whitened tomorrow, it may be easier to stay quit. Anyone out there have a new game plan? Other than my slip and bad eating today, (and yesterday) I lost eight more pounds. I feel great in my clothes, and I am grateful for all that I have. The new mall is not helping, but I am grateful. I have everything that I need. I am a pretty girl, intelligent, creative, giving, and a loving being. The alcohol just uncorks what I've been bottling up. I need to be thankful for everything I have. I am not happily married. I don't have someone to come home to. However I have more friends and family love than I realize. Why am I looking past that? I just sold a painting to a friend. People ooh and ahh over my art online. A friend called last week to go to a movie who just came back from CA. I'll be going to the symphony and opera with friends soon. I'm going to lunch with another buddy tomorrow if I can get to sleep!
I'll say it again. This kind of cheap thrill is not worth the damage, guilt, shame, and trouble I give to my body. Do I need to paste "My body is a temple" all over the home? Maybe.
Smobergirl
Day one.
I gotta say, that I've been reading your blog for a while (found a link through a blog on sparkpeople), and I totally relate to you. Plus, you've given me a lot of great juicing/smoothie recipes along the way.
ReplyDeleteI've been sober for almost a month now, and I believe you and I fall into the same patterns and feel a lot of very similar things.
AA wasn't really my thing, but NA meetings keep me coming back, even though I haven't gotten a sponsor yet. Can't really explain what the difference is, someone said to me that they are "less strict," but I don't think that's it. The verbiage, man. It spoke to me. I may not be fully commted yet, but I'm reaching out, while still deciding whether or not it is really an "ad infinitum" solution for my life. Maybe the NA program would be a better fit for you, too?
But, the point that I was going to post is: the dissatisfaction and restlessness that you just can't put your finger on. I FEEL YOU. And so do a lot of other people. Trying to find something that puts meaning into your life; that is so hard. And then freaking out that you're not enjoying the life you're leading while searching for it adds double the pressure.
Personally, for me Sundays are the worst. I am guilty of a few aimless car rides just to get out and, I don't know. DO something.
And it seems that you do a lot of stuff to keep yourself busy, so maybe that isn't it. Or maybe you need more hobbies?
I don't know, this is coming off as preachy, and that was not my intention at all. I'll forever be grateful that I had read here about the online chats, because they really came in handy during the first week. In quite a few ways, I really owe you for beginning to sort my life out. So, I just wanted to reach out and offer the little I can just in case it helps you in some way.
Don't you wish sometimes sobriety was measured as a ratio of days sober:amount of time earnestly trying? LOL. But you got over a year under your belt. It seems that every time you get back up, you go a little farther.
I still call that progress.
Thank you so much!! You are a God send and a bigger help than you think. I am flattered that I have helped you too. Hugs and keep in touch!
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