Heck Week ends tomorrow.

14 days! How hard can this be? Last night, that's what. I "had' to have my fix around 5:00 pm and I was squirming until 6:30. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want an iced coffee. I didn't want a second bath, to play guitar, to paint gift cards, none of it. I wanted my wine and I wanted it now. Then I was in my car, I pulled over, and I did alternate nostril breathing and reminded myself who I might hate-email next and the terrible hangover I'd have. Then I sighed and realized I wasn't going to die and I went home and took a bath. Then I made an iced coffee, snuggled with the cat, and caught up on American Idol. I also ate most of the wasabi macadamia nuts I got in Kauai. That crave totally was the most horrible thing ever, then I was okay.

The really funny thing is that I quit, once again, on May 17. Weird! I must really like Trent Reznor or something. (That's his birthday.)

I'm in bed with the kitty and everything is alright. I started a digital photography class this evening and I love it. I have always been interested in photography since the 90s but I never pursued it.

Life is pretty awesome.

Smobergirl

Day 13.

Food and energy

Life is good after over a week clean. I made this crazy shake and it gave me a ton of energy, but I wished I worked out then and not now after feeling a bit tired from a mix of jet-lag and a Dr. Praeger's veggie patty topped with an over-easy egg, mixed greens, and hot sauce. Even though it was healthy, I was a bit sleepy. I drank a glass of h20 and I'm ready to tackle an Insanity DVD.


Mean Cocoa-Berry Energy Bullet:

3 tbs chocolate hemp powder (I use Trader Joe's)
Handful frozen strawberries
Handfil frozen blueberries
1/2 frozen Sambazon acai packet
1/2 frozen banana
1 cup chilled water
1 tbs maca powder
1 tbs chia seeds
1 tbs ground flax
1 tbs wheat germ

I have to say that my belly bloat went down in five days. I coughed up more grossness yesterday but no coughing today. I practiced my guitar on this lazy Sunday and watched some Mythbusters episodes. Now its Insanity, hot bath or shower, dinner. In that order.

Smobergirl

Day 10

Hell Week, check.

I made it nine days smober, mainly due to the fact I was in Kauai enjoying a wedding and a fun week with friends who assume I'm clean. I feel great. I got some 'stuff' out and actually bawled my head off on Friday which was more emotional cleansing. Don't assume when you give up a bad habit things are just normal, even though I know a person who quit smoking and never had any tantrums.

I ate extremely clean today yet at night I mixed some bad with good, planning to weed the former out (coffee and chocolate that's not at least 70% cacao). This pic is a jar of Ghirardelli chips and healthy cacao nibs. When I drank my precious iced coffee (KONA!) I mixed it with Teechino. I had spinach and strawberry salad, green beans, raw ahi, and slaw for lunch and dinner. Breakfast on the plane was a banana, an apple, turkey and cranberry sauce from an airport sandwich, and iced tea. That's a weird combo. Quitting is like being pregnant when it comes to eating for me. Then tonight I made air-popped popcorn with brewer's yeast and Bragg's Aminos and ate it with the cocoa/cacao combo whilst I caught up on Game Of Thrones.

I gained back fatter arms and a thick middle from drinking again since February. I feel like a little, chubby girl with my short hair. All of that is about to change again. On the trip there were a few peeps who I had a hard time dealing with their personalities but of course kept my mouth shut, and I assume if I drink I just may tell them via FB how unsavory I really think they are because when I'm drunk my mouth is wide open. That's not a good idea. I must stop the insanity and my weight gain.

Yoga tomorrow, perhaps some hip hop. I plan to treat myself to a nice brunch.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

9 Days

Now or never

What do I have to say (I know what to do) to stop my bad habits which leads to bad behavior and destroying my health? I can't make drinking and smoking different. It's the same recording then I play the same broken record. I feel broken. I want to cry. I want a healthy romantic relationship. I do have a few jobs I love. I am creative, I'm talented. Smober I am a great, caring, loving individual. In fact, I saved this potted flower out of the garbage today. It was my little miracle. Life can be better. I have been better. This is the broken record part but I have to be hopeful. My reputation and health are on the line. I am lucky to have no diseases, yet, and the wrinkles above my lip have not worsened, yet. I could definitely keep trashing my reputation. I am so sad, yet this flower and my mom cheered me up today.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day with my mom. We had brunch, shopped, and had dinner. I felt sad that I am keeping this secret from her. That's a motivating notion to stop. We will also hang out tomorrow which is very comforting. If I am not fantasizing in being in a healthy and whole romantic relationship then I am fantasizing of being a kid in a full home again. Now I am going to cry. Some nurturing would be nice right about now. I will have it in the morning though. God I'm sad. I even started playing with the idea of going to church. You know what makes me happy? Gardening, painting, and playing guitar. Playing KUER for nighttime jazz also helps. I think I will do that now.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day one

I lasted four days.

Lately that's an accomplishment. I'm going to The Avengers to cheer me up. I also went to yoga. I thought I could save by doing it at home, but classes are where I should be. I may go to TRX tomorrow, then yoga on Thursday. I'm alright. I hate emailed a couple of folks last night, then quickly apologized this morning. How can I keep this up for almost seven years? Because it's called addiction? I keep touching the hot stove and burning myself.

I'm not giving up. My mother will help when she comes into town this weekend, and I won't drink in Hawaii for I will be constantly with my friends who know my mission.

Lunch was a corn and black bean salad with a veggie burger, no bun with watercress. I have a free popcorn for the movie. I still drink iced coffee. Oh and here's something evil: 1/2 off frappuccinos at Starbucks from 3-5 pm. They call it Happy Hour. How can I pass that up?

Smobergirl

Day 1

The experiment.

Day one again.  When I was eight months quit I would only crave about once a month. When I drink every third day I crave every third day. I heard that it takes three days for nicotine to leave your system, so there's my withdrawal right there. The first three days are the hardest, then the first three weeks, then after three months I usually feel much better. It's called addiction, that's why I can't just stop. Life is also much crappier when you are addicted, overall. I lose friends, I soil my reputation, I can't apply for certain companies because I've made enemies there. Then when I stop being toxic things flip around and I get on a roll. My painting shows took off and I seemed to get one after another, I met healthier friends, I made more money, I received more opportunities, I looked and felt better, and I became a pretty awesome person overall.

The experiment is not another bright idea how to quit, but it kinda is. I am going to Hawaii soon and I am short on funds. I have a ton of food at home so I will only eat at home what I have until the trip. I can also save around $200 in binge money, I need that for the trip! I already wasted $60 this week. I have thousands of bright ideas, it's the following through that I need to work on. However I did get back into the hip-hop workouts, and I'm trying TRX with a friend soon.

I am developing an occasional pain on the roof of my mouth. Could be the drinking and smoking? I never got sick or had any problems when I quit. So why risk it again? My body is being stripped of nutrients again and I'm developing more wrinkles. The problems I have are in my head: Loneliness, boredom, I'll never get a job I like again. Now I'm going to cry, which I had bursts of all day. My life isn't over but depressants make you feel that way.

Today I drank plenty of water and made a veggie burger which I will be living on (Costco special mega 12-packs) with watercress, raspberry mustard, avocado, and cherry tomatoes. I have enough smoothie ingredients also to last at least a few weeks, quinoa, dry beans, healthy snacks, rice, and more. I'll probably lose weight for the trip too. Why would I want to eat out? :)

Thank you and please don't give up on me. Do not fall back into a bad habit because you'll have to dig yourself out all over again.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day one

May Day!

Day one here. I'm beating a dead something. I hung out with friends today who really lifted my spirits up. I also now have the drive to look good for a friend's wedding. I have been slipping hard and my middle is getting thicker and so is my chin. It's amazing what only liquid can do. Certain kinds, mind you but you know what I mean.

I want to love and take care of myself. I have been feeling extremely lonely, then I have friends who made dinner for me who are reminders that shouldn't feel that way. I have my freedom. I'm going to Hawaii again! I'm pretty. I love my short new 'do'. I'm financially stable. I am very lucky. I'm pretty toned for a 40-yr old. I have the best pet in the world who thinks he's a human. We had a  nice conversation tonight actually. So I shouldn't feel so sad. I heard Diana Krall's version of "Pick Yourself Up" and that's all I need to do.

I'm making healthy salads and dips at home and eating out less and less again. I have a ton of energy but I'll have more when I stop bingeing. Exercise also is a huge motivator to treat my body as a temple. Thanks for reading. I know I can break this habit. The solution is between my ears.

Love,

Smobergirl