I learned a lesson today.

I need to record South Park Again. Anyway as fate would have had it, I got lucky, and learned a ton from my worksheet I got from the shrink. Holy crap, okay one, I had a craving for a frozen hot chocolate at the aves chocolate shop and just when I get into my car and tune into my favorite community radio station, the DJ announces that this is his last day.  I freak out and immediately email his employers asking about the position. Two, this is where reality kicks in which is something I should had done since 1993, I realized that I have been harder than myself more than anybody. I did think for a second because I did email this station drunk before, but I didn't care because they probably don't either. Probably. :) If they do I still made the effort to contact them tonight and the worst they can say is no or nothing. I don't grab opportunities anymore because I'm afraid. But I'm not a mind reader. I don't know how they feel about me. I just assume everyone hated me but that's not true. I wish you'd been in my shoes tonight. Maybe the Wellbutrin's kicking in because I felt calm and super happy, and the fuzzy head went away finally. I wasn't hard on myself anymore. The mood worksheets are all about distorted thinking, and I had plenty of that pretty much all of my life. Tonight was an awakening for me, and making myself happy and having the lightbulb go off was liberating. It was a great lesson and I'm glad for once that I craved sugar. Ha ha. I enjoyed it in a park and just stared at the tree branches above me. I have a pic I'll post tomorrow of the tree. There's a small opening in the trunk big enough for a fantasy fairy or mouse's doorway. It's quite adorable.

Love,

Smobergirl

Doing 'Well'

However I've been tired and foggy-headed all day. Good with the bad eating. I think I'm ready to aim for more or all good tomorrow. It's the way I feel and imagine exactly what's in my body. I now have a boatload of greens and fruits that I can nosh on for the rest of the week. I also want to start looking my best. I've gained 13 pounds since I started bingeing again in February.

On that note, my first therapy session was today and an eye opener. I can't drink anymore because of the horror stories I read regarding mixing with Wellbutrin. My shrink also strongly believes the drug will eliminate my smoking cravings. He wants me to go back to AA. There is a small church I like to go to for that. At first I thought I'd go for him, but I can go and probably feel better doing it, at least 2 times a week for now. Or once so at least I can tell him I went. Like Antabuse, there's no way physically I can binge. Even better, I want to stay on Wellbutrin to feel the long-term effects. Six months.

Day 4


Love,

Smobergirl

Drugs?

Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.

Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?

Jeannie: Why are you here?

Boy in Police Station: Drugs.

Best movie ever. I just ate my weight in mizithra cheese. It hurts so good. I think I'll get an iced coffee and take a walk. Still sleepy. Feel good. Stuff wants to come out then I think silly, you are on mood altering drugs now. However it's only day one. I do feel pleasantly full and relaxed.


Love,


Smobergirl

Wellbutrin day one

Smober three days. I feel a little tired but that's about it. I'll keep you posted. I'm actually excited. I meet with an old shrink tomorrow and that will be regular as well. I have been eating healthier today and I loaded up on more smoothie items such as lemons, pineapple, cilantro, spinach, mango, and such.

I feel happy and relaxed. I may hit the sack early or walk around a bit. I have an Amy's enchilada in the oven. Life is good.

Love,

Smobergirl

Jeans

What I meant was that today, at 41 years of age, I barely find out that someone on the other side was also an alcoholic, not just one of my grandfathers. This person is very private and another member close to me just told me. I wasn't really surprised, but shocked to find out the truth just now. How's that for karma and timing? I was actually relieved because it shows how human this person is, and it could explain why I'm having troubles. It may not only be because I'm 1/2 German and part Irish. Ha ha. Now I really believe that things happen for a reason, like just barely finding out this news.

Okay it's way past my bedtime.

Love,

Smobergirl

I got the gene

Well I just found out today I got both genes! I talked to my confidant who got me on Antabuse in the first place and talked about counseling for real this time, and asking my doc if he'd recommend a prescription. I have an appointment next week. I'm actually excited and I wish I did it 2, no 10 years ago. However no regrets, life can still get a lot better. I love my supporter who is going to help me pull through this. It's a tough habit and I couldn't just snap out of it. I did some retail therapy and got a flannel I'm snuggling in now. It's extremely comforting. I'm also bringing a huge bag of clothes to the consignment shop next week, getting bangs again, and maybe I should just muscle through Bikram until my membership expires in two weeks. It did do wonders for my lungs. My flowers are multiplying, but the catnip is dying surprisingly. I thought it would outlive me. I love watching the Olympic games. It is a positive, inspiring program. It also makes me want to try new sports or exel in the ones I do. I also love you for reading and I am taking risks with this blog, but I am grateful to have inspired some of you. Love, Smobergirl

What part of "I learned my lesson" don't I understand?

Back to day one. I have the biggest headache of my life. My boyfriends Sauvignon blanc and Nat Sherman came over and we watched the olympic ceremonies. Chocolate milkshake wanted to come instead but I thought he was too boring. How come I always let the good ones get away and go after the bad boys? I'm healing. Drinking a blood orange iced tea and eating a vegan chicken salad sandwich from Sugarhouse Coffee. Get the sandwich toasted, it's delicious. I can't wait to get on the Wellbutrin this Monday now. I am anti-prescription mostly but anything sounds better than this headache now. I'm sad, I feel old. I look terrible and dehydrated. I know the routine of course. It feels good to be out and about. However I can't wait to snuggle with cat on the couch. I don't want to die now. I was well behaved last night but you never know if I keep this up. I want to practice my guitar when I get home. That's great self-help right now. Now that I have money I need to use it for good. I did get some great kale and a huge, amazing cucumber yesterday from the Sugarhouse farmer's market. I could use some fresh fruit. I was supposed to do Insanity weights today. Maybe I can do my own weights later. Headache is gone but I still feel fuzzy. Why can't I learn the lesson? I look like road kill, I feel worse. It's the same thing when I wine and smoke. Then that former co-worker's voice is in my head telling me he'd sue for email harassment. That will do the trick and I feel so much better. Yeah that's sarcasm. Yeah feeling down. That's typical. See all the benefits of bingeing? Lesson needs to be learned already, but I need support, not sarcasm. Love, Smobergirl

Saved by a bean burrito and a glass of guava juice

Holy shiznet! I do think like a junkie. I can't believe myself sometimes and this time I had the biggest craving at 7 pm and 13 cents to my name, so I took a bath then made some truffle salt popcorn with lime juice (I got that from Dr. Oz) and played with my smart phone. Just then I saw an ad on it how to get cash for selling clothes online. Holy crap the place up the street does that! I could get my fix! I was craving like mad tonight and I just didn't care. So I put a bunch of stuff in a bag, most I would never get rid of, designer jeans and such, and high-tailed it to the thrift store. Guess what I got? They only wanted two items (not the jeans) and gave me $5. Now I already know I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to get a cheap bottle of wine (or something else) under $5 and re-open the ecigs I'm going to send back. After banging my head against the steering wheel (no I didn't but I should had smashed it on the concrete) I sped on over to Beto's, got my coveted bean burrito, no cheese, roja salsa and sighed in HUGE relief on the way home. It was the best burrito I've ever had. Now I'm chugging a tall, cold glass of lemon water with a splash of guava juice (my second favorite thing in the world...okay it is my first) and I'm going to sleep in the NUDE...smober! Yay. I feel awesome. Now I just need 10 more cents for an iced coffee tomorrow. Dammit. Luckily there's more jugo (that's juice en Español) in the fridge. I do feel immensely relieved. Jeckyll and Hyde, I tells ya. Now I can do Insanity weights in the morning instead of being hungover and feeling like shiznet. Whew.

Muah, muah, muah! Here's to being poor!!!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 10

Woo hoo! I feel tired and very emotional today. Like my eight-month quit, I am suspecting it will pass. I'm pondering Bikram today. I'm teaching my friend yoga in a bit and I did an energizing practice with my boyfriend Rodney this morning. Coughing a little. I had a peach green tea, and a bowl of farmer's market cherries and cashews this morning. For lunch an Amy's tamale, and a mesclun salad I made from my planter garden. Bandit had a catnip flower from said garden.

I am hopeful unlike last week. Naw I don't think my life is over, like I said I tend to think the worst and I am a drama queen. Hello, theater major here. It's a beautiful day. Though I'm tired I feel calm. Got the nic gum going. Returning the ecig. Those didn't seem very healthy. I did make an appointment with my doc for Wellbutrin on Monday.

Love,

Smobergirl

Eating Frenzy

I've also still been tired in the afternoons. Boy since 3:00 pm it's been nothing but 1/2 dark chocolate milkshake, 2 Amy's frozen dinners, four olives, 1/2 frozen lemon granita, hummus, a home made vegan frozen chocolate banana, peach green tea, and air-popped popcorn with lime juice and truffle salt. Whew! That's not THAT bad is it? I ain't smokin' nor drinkin'.

I did a yoga routine this morning to a Rodney Yee DVD. He's a favorite. I also had oatmeal and my token iced coffee, along with some farmer's market cherry tomatoes. I had a tiny-sized curry potato dish for lunch. Then it went downhill after 3. Ha ha. I was glued to the couch and food for the last 5 hours. I'm still on it. Having fun though. I feel that I needed a lot of me relaxing and healing time.

I have been meditating before bed the last eight nights, and it sure helps my mind and sleep. I also have to do this yoga thing every morning and night. ;) It further lifts my spirit up.

Six olives. Seven. Eight. I think this is supposed to be normal. I am also chewing the nic gum like crazy but the normal dosage, about every two hours. I may go on Zyban because my friend liked it and it will be free, but I am always wary about prescriptions, even the Antabuse a little bit. I thought it made me depressed but I have also been down the last week without it. Oof I am done with the food now. It was good while it lasted! It's back to acai and maca smoothies tomorrow.

I feel good about this quit today. I talked to a Quit For Life coach yesterday (another free service) and I feel pretty confident. I actually have my strength back as well as being tired, I find myself working out more, stretching at home, dancing around the place, skipping...so my spirits are coming back as well as the 'stuff' coming out sadness. It's a roller coaster but I am hopeful.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 9

Day eight

Woot woot! Getting better, feeling better, looking better through Bikram even though it is absolute torture and I may take a break. I'm actually about to do Hip Hop Abs right now, then take a hot bath and teach my private student yoga. They all keep my spirits up.

I was emotionally eating too much gnocci with gorgonzola cheese, but I'm practicing the good with the bad for a short while, 1-4 weeks, until I'm ready to get back on the health wagon. Baby steps again. After HHA I'll make an acai, chia, and banana smoothie with Amazing Greens powder. Then I'm watching my friends play at a Japanese restaurant tonight so that means sushi! No sake, just sushi and maybe an iced green tea.

If it took me ten years to realize that I don't want to go through depressant emotional pain anymore so be it. I have wanted to quit my vices for so long. We are habitual beings and that's a habit I couldn't let go of even though I suffered through many heartbreaks. It could had been worse, but stopping sooner would had been better or continuing my 8-month quit. Stuff will probably come out today. I want to be a good example for you and myself. Those eight months quit made me feel on top of the world. It's absolutely true, you can't go back and still feel those feelings. Life is truly so much better without cigs and alcohol. I stumbled upon the movie "Rachel Getting Married" last night on the TV, and even though a character was a hard drug addict as well as an alcoholic, it sure hit home. I don't have the family problems she did in the movie, but I could absolutely relate and it is hard to have people not understand what you are going through most of the time. However I have a ton of friends who do understand, so I am pretty lucky. Earlier I said I felt broken and my career would be over, but it's not and I'm not. During my last long quit, life turned around 180, and I want to be hopeful that it will happen again. It will get even better quitting for good. Thanks for reading. Off to hip hop!

One week behind, time flies if you let it.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 5

Woot woot. Not really. No I don't have any cravings, just a lot more guilt than usual and I still feel broken and worried. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm supposed to be happier and start anew, again. Again and again and again. Hey being hard on myself is one of my greatest talents. However I'm still working, I still have friends and support, and I still have my health. Hey karma! A friend just called and asked me to a concert. See I still have friends. Yeah yeah I'll get over it. The turning-back-time thing sounds better though still.

I made cashew pesto with my parent's basil (they still like me too for some reason) and put it over quinoa. I replaced parmesan with brewers yeast. Yummy!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day four.

I haven't digitally harassed anyone since last week, but one of those peeps came to byte me in the ass today. Karma. This person says that everyone in the state knows that I'm a drunk, and I'm too old to keep doing it. This person is also 19 or 20. Stuff came out. I felt like dying but not of said comments, although that triggered the feelings, that I wouldn't feel so broken if I never started bingeing in the first place years ago. It's easy to blame others, like alcoholic grandfathers, but I did it to escape and feel good, not to hate email people. That came with the consequences. I started to 'what if' myself again and think where I'd be now if none of this happened. Would life be better? Would I be more respected? Would I have a better job or have more art shows? This is day four and I realize I am detoxing, and crying my butt off is going along with those consequences.

I've been doing Bikram yoga for a week, and the last night I binged I nearly threw up the next day in class. I decided to choose Bikram over bingeing. I feel calm, stuff comes out, and I tend to eat healthier. the exception of today when I felt so awful that I downed a grilled cheese sandwich and chips in 3 minutes flat. I rented several meditation videos which have been helping me through this. I'm just so danged sad again. I think it's reality coming back at me as well as an emotional detox. Sweating out of every inch of my body sure helps too. Fer sure, dude.

I have everything I need. I still have fun, creative jobs. I know many people, at least 1/1000 of the state, who don't think I'm a loser drunk. It's also a shame that substance users are known as terrible people, even us soft-core winos, and not known as people with health problems. I am only crazy after that sixth glass then I usually pass out. Judgment goes out the window when you drink, yet we still crave it thinking we'll act differently next time. It's called addiction. Hear that young man? So after wanting to jump off a cliff I went to a downtown park instead and instantly felt better getting back to nature. I highly recommend it.

My young dictator is too young to know better. However that comment is helping me stay smober for sure.

So after the evil grilled cheese and potato chips I made this healthy snack I found on a healthier, happier website. That would be Health.com.

Cut a zucchini into rounds and place on a platter. Then stack a sun dried tomato, a dollop of goat cheese, and chives on top. Drizzle with olive oil and devour. So awesome.

Day cinco tomorrow and Bikram on Sunday.

Love,

Smobergirl

Not quite rock bottom and more karma.

I'm back. I have been slipping and this time I completely scared myself. I'm not in trouble so don't get this post wrong. Of course I picked an internet fight with someone and I said some horrible things. However, on the other side I usually get ignored instead of something like say a restraining order (I always think the worst). No I didn't get one, that's just my imagination getting ahead of me. I think I'll be fine. I may see this person over the weekend but that will be the worst case scenario. We may happen to be at the same event. I also volunteer at a summer event series where he/she may show up. That's kinda scary. So that could be the worst. I did apologize and explained my situation. AA is right, you can't change your pattern for the better and I know what the definition of insanity is already.

I feel horrible. I'm still a little scared. I wish I had $78000. so I can lock myself up in that Malibu rehab. I took a bath, felt like a complete moron, and lay down next to my cat on the floor. Then I thought to myself, "Look at me. I am literally curled up in a ball wanting to die on the floor sobbing with the cat." You know that phrase 'I feel like curling up in a ball in the corner?' It was just like that. I finally did it.

The karma part is that Groupon has a Bikram unlimited monthly class offer today, and I jumped on it. It's either going to cleanse or kill me. Ha ha. I also made a cleansing watermelon, mint, raspberry, and coconut water drink (smoothie blog). I'm going to an outdoor yoga class tonight and Bikram starts tomorrow. The other karma part is burning bridges with people who I happen to run into afterwards. It is a small city. Right now there's not that many but, the weird karma is, all of them except for two will probably be at the same event this weekend.

Not beating self up. I'm off the floor and on the sofa now.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day one.