Zezty!

I admit, I've been eating greasier and sugarier than usual for a week. It's my first Christmas and NYE smober, so I kinda expected as much. However I'm keeping the sizes small and I don't feel sick or sleepy. One example: That's salted caramel gelato (from Vinto) with maple syrup and blackberries. No breakfast. For lunch I met a friend at Bambara and had a grilled cheese with apples and a salad with blue cheese crumbles and arugula. So, good with the bad. just now I had the gelato preceded by a small bowl of sauteed brussels sprouts, chantarelle mushrooms, apple cider vinegar, cumin, curry, tumeric, and hazelnuts with zested ginger root and lemon. It was terrific!

Smobergirl

Feeling good!

It's either the guava juice or the fact that I just watched "Get Him To The Greek" that's making me giddy. There was also a part in the movie where Aldous Snow (the rock star) announces on VH1 that he's 6 months sober. It was awesome. It's really awesome. I feel pretty cool right now. If you are thinking of quitting a bad habit, just do it now. The first three days are usually the worst. Eat everything you want for a month, or if you want to quit overeating, shop and watch all the funny movies with craploads of mineral water that you want. Month three is hard. Month 6 is easy. I'll be 8 months sober and smober (smoke-free according to Quitnet) on January 17. I feel pretty damn good. Look how skeeny I got. No more bullfrog chin. No more Homer face tummy. Bandit's not breathing my smoke. I don't wake up throwing away the bottle and pack in disgust, saying, "never again". No hangovers, no hate facebooking or emailing. I just feel good. Guava is my favorite thing in the world, and this Spring I found a juice not made with sugar or corn syrup. Something about the smell is intoxicating. Maybe I'll go on a guava juice fast.

Like my Christmas jams? Paul Frank is my homeboy.

I'll do the sans coffee starting on the first. It's happening. Dr. Oz says I'll lose 10 pounds if I switch from coffee to tea because the acid in coffee raises your cortisol levels, the stress hormone, and somehow that increases fat, apparently. But I don't necessarily want to lose more, I'm doing it for my mood. Earlier today after glass #2 of iced coffee I started getting irritable. I didn't like that so much. I know coffee is published as beneficial, but so is wine. And I want to see if tea makes me feel better. Honestly I think it tastes better.

Okay night. Sweet dreams and happy bunnies and all that stuff. Oh yeah a boy who I've been crushing on for three years just asked me out. That could be it.

Smobergirl
Day 225 I think.

I'm going to quit coffee on NY's Day. Wish me luck!

Good last day with my mom before her car finally arrived. Ate too well the last 2 weeks. Time to cleanse!

Fondue: A good test for me.

That's because it's made with WINE and kirsh. The alcohol gets cooked out, but I think in the alcoholic's world that's temptation. In AA there's been talk about "Once an alcoholic..." but I was fine with the whole thing. My mom came over, we made it, it was amazing, and I didn't freak. Well just a tad actually when she told me to keep the kirsh because it was terribly expensive. Then I had a second thought. I'm not stupid enough to drink kirsh as a drink. Have you had the stuff? So yeah, I don't want to get drunk for the sake of it. And I don't want a new bottle of Brancott or a 'good red'. I even saw Sideways for the second time at my father's last night and I didn't excuse myself early to drink at home. I didn't even think about it. This is very good news. And the thought of smoking has completely grossed me out since I started the yoga teacher training. I did have to to unbutton my pants after having fondue for dinner and I hope I maintain the weight at 130, but I want to believe that after quitting my metabolism shot up, and that shows that being healthy is beneficial in multiple ways. It's great not to see the scale at 155 anymore. Portia Di Rossi commented in a fashion magazine recently, about her memoirs of being anorexic, that she became really fat before her anorexia at 140 pounds. 140 pounds? Fat? I'm not going to comment. Okay I am. When I was 155 I was a size 7. Oh what a fat-ass! I am yes much happier now, but a size seven is usually not considered fat. Unless you are a famous actress I suppose. The imagery of American women has got to improve.

So the fondue is an occasional treat. I will maybe have it 1-3 times a year. It's addictive while you are sitting in front of a pot of stinky wine-cheese soup. Gah. Danger Dr. Smith. But like I said I didn't want to go to the bottle from there.

Anyone want to buy a spendy 3/4 bottle of kirsh?

Smobergirl
Day 223

Merry Christmas! Just got knickers online, lasts longer than wine. ;)

Huge car update.

#1, my guilt disappeared the next day just because it was something that just happened to both my mother and I, and nothing is worth beating yourself up for, unless you steal a 2010 Mercedes Benz.

#2, the Salem, Oregon police found it two days later abandoned on the road out of gas. The car is scheduled to be towed here tomorrow. Everything is in the car including my mom's cell phone, and the car isn't damaged. Everything is the same except for an extra 815 miles.

#3, the thief appeared at the impound yesterday with the spare key (it was under the seat, that's how he got away in the first place) claiming the Mercedes was his and he bought it in California for $20,000. He was arrested.

This should totally be in News Quirks.


Happy time.


Smobergirl
Day 219

Post 701, month 7 and 1.

I would normally celebrate, well I did yesterday, however my mother's Mercedes Benz was stolen outside of my condo, after I told her I leave it in front of the lobby door with my hazards on all the time when I will step inside for a few minutes. That's how long we took, 5-8 minutes. The guilt I have is hard to stop. She drank a little more than usual and had a cigarette with my brother and his wife. I of course didn't and couldn't drink. The upside is that the idea of smoking was disgusting. She filed a police report, the car is fairly new so her insurance may be able to pay for it. So she even was positive and said, "Hey I'll probably get a new car!" But of course she's bummed. And I need to turn my guilt around too. Our early Christmas was just not as warm and enjoyable. I take that back, there was plenty if not more warmth. But stealing effects everybody.

I am however so stinking proud that her favorite gift was a painting I made. Maybe I can make something out of my art. I already have two showings scheduled for next year.

I'm better. Sure felt stupid earlier. We all make mistakes. Even big ones.

Smobergirl

Insticts.

I was going to call this post "Battlescar Galactica", but the main point tonight is about trusting my instincts. People may say, "that's just life" but I'm going to absolutely trust my gut from here on out.

I thought it was an omen when a friend of mine called at midnight and said she had to get rid of her cat. Her landlord saw the cat after a few months and said no pets. Then this voice in my head immediately said "don't do it". She said it was a 1 yr. old tabby. If I were to get Bandit another playmate I would personally prefer a kitten, or I love those Sphynx hairless cats. I kinda had my own master plan. I didn't feel right getting another right away. Smokey passed about two and a half weeks ago. However I thought well I can help my friend out and take her in, even though it wasn't necessarily my best interest. I even got her a stuffed animal cat to keep her company because she sounded sad. So I get home, and Bandit attacks this poor kitty while I'm holding it, and Bandito is one of the friendliest cats I know. They both go tumbling down on the floor and have this hissing match for five minutes, then I put him in the bedroom. I called my friend back and said it wasn't working. I could had seen if they'd calm down in a day, a week, two weeks; but I and definitely Bandit were not ready. So I took the darling tabby back. She scratched his eye, and you can see what happened to my knees. But when I was alone before and after the situation she was an outright angel. I really liked her and if I didn't have another cat it would have been perfect. However I didn't want to do it in the first place and I am going to follow my instincts from here on out. An experiment I have been meaning to to for quite some time.

So I'm in bed and The Bandit is back to normal. I blotted his head with a little water. I didn't wipe my knees which maybe I should. But I didn't drink! Seven months on Friday.

Breakfast: Oats with passionfruit juice, maca, chia, flax, pomegranate, and walnuts.

Lunch: Shredded brussels sprouts with quinoa, Caputo's amazing truffle mushroom spread, hazelnuts, and yellow tomato. Sea Salt and cracked pepper.

Dinner: Cafe Rio salad. Black beans, lettuce, guacamole, rice, lime, cilantro.

Snack: Five macadamia nuts.

I did pretty well today, and I had, besides the evening, a really happy day. Mood=good. Knees and eye will heal.

Smobergirl

Yawn checking in.

Butternut squash soup at Rose EstB I had with some local bread (just a bit) during my radio shift. Dinner was quinoa with shredded brussels sprouts, toasted hazelnuts, and Caputo's mushroom truffle oil tapenade. I made that one up and it was the bomb. Breakfast was oatmeal and a hard boiled Clifford Farm egg.


Night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...............


Smobergirl
Seven months on Friday.

Can't sleep

Have not had anxieties in a few weeks. Woo. Teacher training gets better.

Cleansing the caffeine

Going off coffee Jan. 1

Just do.

You know the saying "just be"? Well....Like Nike says...

The way to stop procrastinating is to put it off. I had a blast with my guitar tonight. I played a simple Spanish song, more like a repetitive arpeggio practice, but it sounds pretty cool. Then I read my yoga anatomy book. Then I did a great pm. yoga practice. I've been doing pretty much nothing but eat since Smokey was sick then passed. Now I feel that I'm back on my feet again. Last week I indulged in sugar, meat, ODed on caffeine, and had fries and plenty of them. Today I had salads, lemon water, grapes, and salmon. I found a recipe on Everyday Italian for halibut with grapefruit salsa. I got an email with a veggie chili dish. I got avos, brussels sprouts, and ingredients for tzatziki at the grocery store.

Fake it till you make it. Baron Baptiste once said that at the yoga bootcamp I went to four years ago. I was bummed because a yoga teacher student in my class was revved because our teacher is 'her' teacher, and I wished my favorite teacher was ours because that would pump me up more. However, I love the instructors even though I hardly know them at all. So I am going to go to their classes more with the pass I have (we need to attend 20, and any class we want). My fave does teach there, however it's one class on Tuesdays, and at 6am. I was up until 1 this morning so I cancelled my alarm. But I will fake it and make a rapport with the two main teachers, and try to get up at 5:15 next Tuesday.

I am doing well. I have all of my holiday shopping done and I am wrapping this week. I have a pass to Tron IMAX and that should be a total blast. My mom comes into town in two weekend for early Christmas. She needs to be home for my step-father's family. Hey early Christmas. Same with my dad this year. He's going to his Winter home in cali on the 26th. It's wacky I tells ya. But I'm not a stickler for tradition.

Good night,

Smobergirl
Day 205

Sun Day

It is nice outside! None of this -2 degree business. I didn't even wear a coat. I feel great today. I have given to some charities and it feels awesome. I gave to the Utah Food Bank, a KBYU membership for my dad, a new book (Eloise) to the Anthropologie reader's program; and I gotta thank Love Sac for their Cyber Monday $75 off sale. Unfortunately my old cat urinated several times on my old Pillow Sac and it's impossible to get all of the smell out. So I don't know if this is a good deed but I scrubbed it a little more and I'm giving it to the shelter. I think. The new one just came today and it looks like it's 1/2 the size of the condo. I thought it came in one size. We'll see if my cover fits it.

Bandit is having fun under the tree and going through all the bags with wrapping stuff and presents in them.

WOOOOOOOO. Old cover fits new Sac. Now we'll see if shelter wants the pee sac. So embarrassed.

Smobergirl

Fog Day

Eating is fun when you stay in. I had oatmeal with mixed berries and maple syrup this morning. Olive bread crostini with Beehive cheese and roasted red pepper and a kale salad with pumpkin seeds, pumpkin seed oil, cracked sea salt and pepper, and a spiraled golden beet. You have to get a spiral slicer guys. Cheap thrills galore. Then I scoffed 1/4 of Nada Moo. I may have to do a bison burger tonight. Don't worry this mourning food phase will pass. I think. Bandit is cool. He's sleeping in his leopard donught right now. The catnip outside miraculously survived the last few blizzards and I gave him a leaf.

So Dexter tonight. I do want wine but no can do. Meat will have to be a sub. Yeah I'm bumming a bit tonight. Buddha isn't too happy with that. ;) I don't know if he approves of Dexter either. I do know that I need more asana to feel better. (asana=yoga practice)

Smobergirl
Day 202

Feeling better.

Maybe my PMS is coming back. (No time of month on the Depo, and I got off of it last August) Maybe I had stuff bottled up too. You know, just lost a kitty I've had for 15 years, still worried about future work for no tactful reason. Not living in the now! Serenity now now!

Did I tell you some good news? I opened an Etsy shop and I sold my first painting! It's under "eportico". I just need to figure out how to rotate my photos. Help? But yeah that's exciting.

I'm wrapping presents and eating at home. I have spent my wine/cig money and then some on cyber sales, so I cook at home as much as I can. Bandit's doing great. We miss our friend.

Love,

Smobergirl

Had huevos with red pepper salsa. Vitamin c and b. B good for stress. Feel good besides the sad part.

But I ain't boozing or smoking. 200 days. Woot.

I'm just so sad, lonely, weather not helping today.

Okay I need to get over that. I screwed up. Can't
turn back clock. Not putting bag over head. :)

Gah when someone mentions my old work I feel guilty and sick all day. Shoot me.

Day 200!

Yay. Over halfway to one year too. Doing well. Bandit obviously still loves the fountain. Don't be scared by slimy red thing on bread, it's only a roasted pepper. I just have odd feelings about Smokey's bod being in my freezer but it's only two more days. I am a big believer that it is only his body, and his soul is in kitty heaven. Boy do I miss him though of course. I guess I have been suppressing some feelings. But would it make it better if I freaked out? If I rushed him to the vet one more time when he was just lying all glazy-eyed two days ago would he had made it much longer? I don't want to be a what-iffer. Right now I am being accepting. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. Bandit is here for moral support. Yeah I painted that cherry. I have two potential art showings coming up but I may have to make a duplicate of that one. It looks too good in my living room. ;)

I am not drinking. Yeah.....Antabuse is preventing that, but I went to a lovely event tonight with a good friend who knows I quit drinking, so I could not do it in front of her if I wasn't taking the drug anyway. In fact, a lot of people know about my sobriety now. It's cool actually. More people are accepting it than I thought. So this gig we went to, and I found a solution to buying pretty clothes on the cheap, was a fashion show at Beehive Tearoom put on by vintage shop Misc. (200 E. 272 S. downtown SLC) and we got these smokin' robes. Like? I encourage you to partake in Holiday Stroll tomorrow night from 6-9 pm. and check out the shop as well as the stores on 300 South that night. Art Access on 500 West and 230 South will also have the Chow Truck handy. www.chowtruck.com and www.accessart.org

I made a bruschetta with a roasted red pepper slice (Courtesy of the Vegas Trader Joe's. Thanks Mom!) for a snack today. Breakfast was oatmeal and Teechino. Then at Beehive oh I am not the role model today! Two scones with jam, six baby tea sandwiches laden with cream cheese, 1 1/2 shortbreads and a bite of this chocolate mousse cake. Oh and a lot of tea. At least that's healthy. I think my 'time O'month' is coming back. It's been over a month since I've been off the Depo. I sure wanted copious amounts of sugar. There was a table with a wine bottle spread, and yeah it sure looked good, but I wasn't hurting at all. The tea was plenty satisfying, and the robe and a belt purchase. Let me pimp Misc. some more. The prices are dirt dirt dirty cheap! And the clothes are stinkin cute. My robe still has the Vanity Fair label in it. And all the clothes looked like they were from the 40s-60s. I didn't really appreciate the shop until I went to the fashion show. Some of my friends were in it too. It was a fun night. Got my mind off of the Smokester for a while. Well, burial time is Saturday at noon. It should be very nice. It will probably be right by a tree. In the meantime go get yourself a nice velour robe. They're $20, that's a bottle of wine right there. And I get to keep it, it doesn't go wasted. Ha ha, wasted.


Day 200
Smobergirl

Smokey the cat 1995-2010

My oldest died yesterday. He was about 15, went in his sleep, and we even had a peaceful but teary moment together before he went, by the bed on a blanket. He was immoveable and glassy eyed all day and I could had rushed him to the vet, but I let him lay in his familiar surroundings. It is so unfair to beat yourself up. He was a sweet, well behaved cat. Well there was the carpet-peeing thing, however he was the sweetest. Two days ago he was walking around, peered in the bath tub when I was in it, and hung out on the sofa with me so we could watch Bitchin' Kitchen together. The Utah mountain earth where I will bury him (my father's back yard) is frozen, by Saturday there will be a hole waiting for him. So, I pulled a Rubin and Ed and put him in the freezer. Don't worry, he's all bundled up in the blanket with mini calla lily flowers, in a REI boot box, wrapped in plastic. It kills me, then I think it's just his body and hopefully his soul is in kitty heaven playing with my other old cat Aphrodite. It was actually beautiful the way he passed. We had our moment. I pet him for an hour and cried, and his eyes actually started watering. Then I made some lunch, came back and he was gone. Ten minutes or so later The Bandit was chirping at a robin on my balcony, which I never see, and then it flew away. Smokey had a great, comfortable life. In his last few years he became scrawny and weak, as old people get. He got old and frail. He shrunk, so to speak. He was always a sweet, mellow cat. In the last few weeks we had "slumber parties" in the bedroom, which he hardly left. He ate, slept, and did his business there. I had a nice set up with a litter box, food, water, and more blankeys than you could shake a stick at. I kinda miss it. Bandit is doing great, hasn't looked for Smokey, and I'm glad he's here for moral support.


And I'm not drinking or smoking. I am eating more 'comfort foods' like dumplings, pasta, soups, bread, and frozen coconut desserts. Note to self: I don't think I'll eat anything frozen for a while or get ice until Smokey is out of the freezer. I had a bit of a tough time today making iced coffee and occasionally getting into Nada Moo Mint Chocolate Chip. The cool thing is, I'm keeping the portion sizes moderate. I think I want to pig out, then I just don't. Oh and I'm making kale or butter lettuce salads, so I feel pretty responsible still on the eating front. Taking the maca capsules help too.

Day 199
Smobergirl

Day 197

200 is on it's way. I've no desire to drink. I think about it sometimes, actually like today, then 1, I remind myself I'm on Antabuse and/or/then I realize how I don't want to live the aftermath. I'm actually smartening up. I do find myself replacing it with sweets or shopping, but I practice moderation in both. Okay maybe the big-sale weekend got me a little crazy, with Smokey having trouble walking again on Saturday. It's bittersweet because he seems just as happy as ever. I'm the one being sad and worrisome. I'm learning to chill. He's just a big sweetheart. However I do have all of my holiday shopping done and then some. I did work up a nice red zit by the corner of my mouth too. Oh well.

Oatmeal, home-made iced coffee, barley soup, oolong orange tea, mushroom ravioli with marinara, air-popped popcorn with nama shoyu (raw soy sauce) and brewers yeast, in that order. 24 oz. water, some of it with lemon juice. I am craving more peas strangely. Those frozen bagged peas taste sweeter than usual, and I really liked them. Sweet, that's what I'm craving. And I'm almost out of local honey. ;)

I'm catching up on the yoga reading and I dig all of the books: The Bhagavad Gita, The Yoga Sutras, and The Key Muscles Of Yoga. I am required to meditate morning and night, which I haven't been doing. So I've gotta take this seriously. When I do it, I really get into it. Everything. The reading, asana, jappa, pranayama, and meditation.

Smobergirl

Brrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Okay I'm being dramatic. I love Winter, when I'm looking at it from inside somewhere warm. I am thankful I have this cozy condo, as well as a car with butt warmers. Like the braids? A buddy of mine said she does pigtails to get her hair out of the way of bulky sweaters and coats. Good idea. When I actually put effort into doing my hair I think of an article I read in a quit smoking brochure, "Other things to do besides smoking: Create a different hairstyle every day!". So there you go. And since it's a bit damp it should look...interesting when I take the braids out. It's a Russian Roulette hairstyle, sometimes it turns out great and sometimes frightening. :)

So Bandit attempted to sit outside for a second. He lasted about three minutes. Smokey...I am just so relieved. I know he can go any day now but he is happy. He is damn happy just to sleep and eat and be pet and poop and drink out of a kitty fountain and lay down a lot. He's a scraggly old man but he's my scraggly old man, and perhaps the sweetest. I am cherishing every moment I am with him. Bandit is being cool. He minds his own business but once in a while he just smells him and walks away. It's kinda cute.

I am thankful for a plethora of things in life. For one, that word, and two, living within blocks of Caputo's Market and Deli. There was a hella storm yesterday all stinking day. I was running out of food so I made a trip and got Tony's freshly made marinara, and some mushroom ravioli, aaaand some fresh herbage. It's a beautiful market, you should check it out. Oh and the deli is pretty spectacular too. I am so spoiled. My little Subie made it to the store and back just fine, on a Sunday afternoon. Thanks Caputo's for being open on Sunday! The only person I don't have a Christmas present for (yes, during the whole Smokey thing I didn't drink, but I managed to buy everyone's Christmas in two weeks) is my dad. Of course. And now he quit drinking the signature bottle of red is out of the question. But you know, there's more thoughtful things I can do, like a Caputo's gift basket. Ha ha really, I am thinking of giving to charity and putting it in his name. I just want to make sure I pick a ligit and good one. Maybe there's something local?

Well my braids and I are going to finish pinecone ornaments and my mom's Anteater Russian dolls. She always had a thing for ant eaters. I got the plain dolls online but I'm sure most craft stores would carry them.

Oatmeal with chopped green apple, chia, flax, walnuts, and honey for breakfast. Ravioli, mushrooms and peas for lunch. I just threw frozen peas and shrooms in a skillet.

Smobergirl
Day 196

Day 195

Brrrrr! Holy crap what is up with the -2 degree weather this week?

Smokey is being a doll. He is a very good cat. Since he had that emergency he hasn't had any 'accidents'. I put out a microfiber blanket that he sleeps on, which is more often than under the bed now. However he is my old man and he can go at any time. He's still 5 pounds even though he eats like a horse and his poor eyes are glassy. I am trying everything in my power to handle things as happily and peacefully when he goes. Not going to be easy of course.

I have been taking the Antabuse every other day still to stretch it out. To answer your question if I drank two days after taking it I'd still break out and my throat would still swell up. I still think about wine but I haven't had a fierce craving for...well I can't really remember....August?

Breakfast was Rasin Bran at the Hyatt where my mom was staying for the holiday, with OJ in the cereal, and grapefruit sections in the cereal, and 1/2 banana just by itself. Lunch was leftover edamame and tofu lettuce wraps from Thaifoon, with added brewers yeast and cucumber slices. And UFO Dust. Screw Ayurveda I still like firey spice. ;) Dinner was a ricotta, mushroom, and garlic calzone (I didn't eat the bread. No offense but it doesn't taste as good as it used to. But the insides were top notch) with a side salad from Este Pizzeria. Oh yeah I had an afternoon snack of a roasted garlic bulb. I saw it on the TV and I happened to have one handy. I can't wait to smell myself in the morning. I also had a dandelion tea. Remember way back like day 50 of this blog (not days quit) when I said it was a good liver tonic?

I am very tired and I'll let you go. Just wanted to keep in touch. Thanksgiving was wonderful and I ate very smartly. I have been craving a little sweet here and there. I am maintaining my weight. Feeling good. I am starving now but I'll make up for it manana. Just had a handful of almonds. I have decided to eat salmon 2x3 times a week. I know the whole controversial fish issue, I just need to play that one smartly too. So it's a trip to Aquarius and maybe their expertise can help. I just want to eat more protein.

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Smobergirl

Day 189...being thankful.

Day 200 (which is a big deal to the quit-smoking site Quitnet.com) is 11 days away. I find myself thankful for many things tonight. I just pulled up the covers on this snowy day and I am grateful not only to have a bed and a roof but for the beautiful nature we have. It's also a full moon tonight and it looked gorgeous above the East Salt Lake mountains. I have a picture from 1980 of the snow on a tree in my back yard that I am using as a bookmark for the Bhagavad Gita. I am thankful that we can choose our emotions. I am thankful for coincidences and synchronicities. I am more than grateful for my cats, my tinsel tree I've had for six years that I just put up with all my Hello Kitty and owl ornaments, as well as the pinecones I decorated. I am not ashamed of my HK collection. It keeps me young. I am thankful for loving parents and a kick-ass brother even though he doesn't know it. I am thankful for my health and yoga practice, which have been so beneficial. My skin looks great and I caught myself bending awkwardly with no effort into the depths of my pantry today. I'm like, "How cool am I?" Wish I had a photo. I am thankful for my soft sheets and heater, the chantarelle and portobello mushrooms I had for dinner and the popcorn while watching the newest episode of Dexter. I am thankful for Michael C. Hall. I am thankful for the investing tips my brother doesn't know he's given me. I watch him then use his examples. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle who give me a $50 check for Christmas and birthdays even though I may see them only once a year. I love that I get to play music at weddings and events for good pay. I am thankful for forgiveness and the act of being able to change for the better, and I can't be more thankful for the outcome.

Love and peace,

Smobergirl

I'm still six months!

I've lost 20 pounds since August and I notice a difference and I definitely know I look better with out alcohol and smoking. And oops I think I said 30 on Facebook. Ah, let them think that. j/k I feel awesome and I'm getting a boatload of compliments. I love it. Even one friend said my energy shifted. It was totally worth it. I even feel younger. I need to keep up the yoga because it gives me so much strength, flexibility (can you say reaching the top shelf and picking up lucky pennies with ease) and calm. Holy crap I can live off maca and yoga alone. Lifestyle is so important for your quality of life. I kept thinking today about bingeing, and I can't even bear it anymore. My life is so much better and easier now. And I'm hot. Thanks very much. Yeah do you like that outfit? Ha ha. All gifts, I have everything I need. I really do. And I am positive you do too. Just get creative.

Cat is, I think back to normal. He looks very chill and his personality is definitely back. That is not him but The Bandit my little model. Smokey stays under the bed (which is a Smokey trait in general) so I can't tell how weak or strong he is. He is a frail old man though. I am crossing my fingers that he'll go peacefully in his sleep when it is time. Don't we all? Again, I can't predict if he'll last a week, month, year, etc. But I am so relieved. Oh and P.S., the vet said I had to inject the antibiotic pills into his mouth forcefully and he wouldn't eat them just covered in food. He wolfs everything down so quickly that he did it today with all of his pills. Big relief #2.

Well I can't be happier on many accounts. Bandit finally drank out of the pet fountain, so that has not gone to waste like I thought it had the last few days. And he's sleeping in the $10 Petsmart special leopard bed I got for smokey. Smoke is not a really big bed guy, I should know this by now. So both cats get spoiled. I think Bandito was jealous there for a while. Have a wonderful Thursday tomorrow. Utahns, take advantage of perhaps the last 50 degree weather day of the year. :)

Love,

Smobergirl

Six Months!

You know it. Glad to be here. The last 6-months quit was in 2003, and it flew by because, haha, I wasn't making a big deal out of it. I'm glad I'm at that mark again. I have been "celebrating" the last couple of months so I haven't really splurged today. I've been spending, but on holiday gifts and the cats. Smokey is as fine in his head as it gets now. I think he's back, but he's been frail for the last 3-4 years. I am relieved, and whatever happens now I will accept, and I can let him go whenever he needs to. I spent $800 on vet bills plus another $100 on food and toys. I just think he may make it at least a month and probably more this time. The little guy always surprises me. Bandit is enjoying the new cat bed I got for Smoke, and finally drinking out of the vet-recommended fountain. Smokey always preferred the floor or shoe boxes. He's pretty low-maintenance.

So, I've been kinda bad. Eating Ginger soup with a roll and a vegan espresso chip cookie with iced coffee before yoga training. I am kind of in the dumps actually and I hope it's the residual Depo Provera. I'm just waiting for it to wear off now. Had the last shot in August I think. Not in the mood for training, I'd rather be watching Undercovers which I am recording. But I always feel better after the class.

Namaste,

Smobergirl
Six Months

Day 181

Woot. Six months on Wednesday. I'm going to Disneyland. I wish.

Smokey came out of his 'vegetable' state and he's his old self, but looks like a tired old man. I don't know how long he'll last still, but it's good to see him like this. The fluids and antibiotics are working. I get to play nurse now. His favorite thing ever is getting brushed, and he had a 30-minute brushing session today. I am his personal masseuse. He's also eating and finally started drinking water when I put it in one of my glasses, which of course he'd rather drink out of instead of the cat water bowl. Oh, it's definitely Spa Smokey in the bedroom right now.

I can't control my lip gloss problem. I got a brand for my mother as an early Christmas present, and decided she wouldn't like the color because it's too nude so I kept it. https://www.thebalm.com/makeup/plump.htm

Then I found the perfect color for her yesterday, bronze, then I decided she wanted a plumper and this one is not a limp plumper. http://www.lauramercier.com/store/shop/Lip-Gloss_Lip-Glac%E9_prod190018 I am the worst daughter ever. I did get her Lip Venom a while ago, so I have at least done the job. I just thought it would be nice to get her more, but since my quit and dying kitty, I'm in a self-hoarding phase.

Smobergirl

Smokin' Joe he know.

Smokey had a near-death experience two days ago. His white blood cells sky-rocketed, the vet said it could be the big "C" word. He has spent the last two days on a catheter and IV at the vet. Then it got better and worse this morning. The cell count went down but then he got a fever and had a hard time breathing at the vet. Then...when I picked him up at 6 tonight he was actually moving, perky even, glassy eyes and sunken cheeks disappeared. He is now under the bed where he belongs. He has the IV in still with fluid running under his skin. He's eating like a horse. The doc does want him back in for one more day at least, then I'll probably play nurse on Sunday. However I am prepared for anything, he is an old man, and I become more comfortable with death the more I experience or almost experience it. If he died, I would not smoke or drink. I have come to the point where I know it won't make me feel any better. I still can't anyway on the Antabuse. I have a month left then I will probably renew for another six months. I haven't had a craving in weeks but I want insurance. Plus my new vice is honey, and honey pecan gelato from Ciao Bella. So back to Smokey. I got that phrase "Smokin' Joe he know" from a song called "Green Mind" by 90s band Dink. It's a one-hit wonder. So one of his nicknames I have for him is Smokey Joe He Know. Strange nickname, I know. He's still smokin' for now. I'll keep you posted.

Smobergirl
Day 180 in less than two hours.

I learned something today...

...I really did! Karma, totally. I learned how to sit down and shut up in yoga teacher training tonight. Ha, actually it was about loving yourself, which was exactly what I needed. The big thing that came up for me was people talking behind our backs, which of course that is what I was worrying about. In tonight's lecture we also learned about "energy vampires", whom we all probably know one or two of those. So that was cool. I have forgiven myself and I am completely at peace now. I was unnecessarily suffering in my own head. That's certainly not healthy. Neither is eating almost a 1/2 of a white rustic baguette. Bad idea. Emotional eating on the way to class may have taken place there...

Oh yeah we did learn actual teach training too. It was really fun cueing everyone in Surya Namascara B (that's a sun salutation) even though I forgot half of the Sanskrit words for poses. It's hard! So I'm reading up on those tonight and reading more of the Bhagavad Gita.

Speaking of white bread, I am doing the 40 days of personal revolution with a friend, and white bread is a no-no. It was so tasty with my 5 bean soup though. Okay no mas. :)

Smobergirl.

I feel totally mellow after 1tbs honey and a little plain yoghurt. Go Ayurveda. ;)

Like bees to honey

So, according to Ayurveda (we took a few classes at yoga teacher training) the best thing for my dosha type, which is Pitta, is raw honey. I can do that. I didn't realize how delicious honey is! I got this one at the farmer's market a couple of months ago. The worst thing for me is spicy food, since Pittas are already "full of fire". Which sucks, because that's all I eat. lol. I'm serious, I'm one of the biggest chili heads I know. Well, if ayurveda is serious business, and especially for yogis, then I am willing to cut back and see how I feel, see if it is important or mumbo jumbo. Until then I have no problem savoring spoonfuls of raw honey. :)

Smobergirl
177 Days

Stinkin Thinkin Pt. 2

I worry what people think of me. I am stuck on worrying that I ruined my reputation by sending hate emails and posts. I did it for about a year then it stopped last Spring. All of them were under the influence of alcohol. I remember having a text spat with an old co-worker and he wrote, "Put the wine glass down". That hit pretty hard. The thing is, I'm not normally a rude, psycho, hateful... and I have been kicking the dead horse for almost six months. I messed up, get over it. It actually helps to stop after distructive thinking and think what is actually realistic. Most of the peeps at my old job know, I think, that I don't lash out like that. But I was hurt and I was very drunk and so, in turn, I got very pissed off. It helps to get this out. Again thank you, the reader, for viewing my blog. I hope to influence you today to be aware of your stinkin thinkin of it happens to pop up in your head.

I am listening to Radio West on 90.1, and local artists Cathy Foy and SLFM are on. It will rebroadcast tonight at 7. For those of you who don't know, I have a local band radio show, I've hosted local broadcasts for a total of seven years. These two girls are very special, Cathy is one of the best drummers in Utah in my opinion and is coming out with a solo guitar album actually; Jessica (SLFM) plays a distorted ukelele with a pedal. Check the show tonight of you can.

All I can do is be present and keep doing what I do best, opinions aside. I need to think of my 18-year reputation instead of one year of going apeshit vengeful on the internets, correct?

Smobergirl
Yes it may be a stupid name to some of you, Bill B. Get over it. ;)

Better crash so I can make an 8 am yoga class. Need more asana for mood. Love and peace, Smobergirl

I am happy alone. The grass is always greener. There are benefits to being single and being with someone.

I pissed people off in the past. And all I can do is let go and forgive myself.

Forgive Me.

I took a walk and am at peace now. Texting so keeping these short.

Breathing.

Hello. I have not really admitted that I was going crazy for the last two weeks when I started the yoga teacher training. I had some sad feelings come up this afternoon, but sat on the trusty Love Sac Rocker and did some breathing exercises. It's amazing how they work. However I kind of want to get stuff out on this blog and not hide how I have been feeling. I calmed down instantly. However, I don't know if I should treat this blog like a journal or sugar-coat some things, because sometimes I want to get really deep then I see people who say they read my blog. The purpose of the blog, or one of them, is to want people to read it, right? During my yoga weekend workshop in Park City with Baron Baptiste I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. That was about two weeks before my brother's wedding in September. Then about three days later karma just flipped. I was irritated with people, I wasn't getting my way, I got sick, stuff that was bothering me was still lurking. Oh, then the past guilt with the whole Facebook angry drunk posting came in full-force. It was like the workshop just brought up more shit, and a lot of it, right to the surface.

And the killer thing is, I had a weird and bad feeling in my gut NOT to get my teacher training. I was going to do an experiment starting mid-Summer to only do things my gut tells me to. But would that lead me to happiness or laziness? Not to point fingers but my mother egged me on to do the training as well. She even is helping me paying for it. I'll be 40 in June and I try to please my mother. Can't get a full-time radio gig in a 18-year span, I've been a full-time volunteer for 1 1/2 years trying to get my name out, trying to do the better good. I was so lonely today, 2 1/2 years hardly dating at all and definitely not getting any, not by choice, that's when the freaking out happened around 6 pm. I LOATHED most of teacher training the first weekend. Would you like to know what I learned? How about three things: 1. That if my right nostril is more open than my left in the morning, especially on a Tuesday, Saturday, or Sunday, I should get out of bed on the right side on my right foot. 2. I should avoid spicy foods because I'm a Pitta and therefore I'm a 'firey' personality. and 3. That I can't write any notes down if the teacher does not explain how to spell every other sanskrit word. Did he say "darma" or "tharma"??? "Krishnalu"? "Uttabadakanasana"? I was ready TO BAIL by day two. Seriously. Then weekend two wasn't so bad. Well, we had a class a week from Monday and that Thursday so I should say by Thursday I felt a thousand times better. Mainly because that was anatomy, a language I could understand. Then last weekend was more about actually teaching yoga. I am so not cut out for this especially if I'm going to be resentful. Buddha would not be pleased. Okay now all of that calming breathing has done absolutely no good. That took about 15 minutes.

..........................but I'm not smoking or drinking...........................

Six months will be on November 17.

I'm going to practice guitar, which is one of the more relaxing things I like to do. I may have another cry, I may not. Why did I try to be a radio jock for 18 years if I wasn't cut out to be full-time. Why do I hang in there? I know people like me. Everyone sees that that person is not cut out for it except for that person. The music director at the U in 1995 told me I lived in a fantasy world because I wanted to be the next Fiona Apple. So that stuck with me. Am I just not realistic. How in the heck do I think I can be a yoga teacher? And how long am I going to crap on myself, yoga, and the media in this blog? I think after 18 years I'm freaking burnt out. I'm done. Dated every guy out there. Tried 'making it'. *shrug*. Then there's my 15-yr old cat who keeps pooping on the carpet and he failed a jump on a counter today. He had a very sickly moan but I haven't taken him to the vet. We went last Spring and he was just fine. He's an old guy.


So that answers my question. Dear Diary. Now you all know mostly how I have been really feeling in the last month or so. But venting does help along with breathing. I am learning some valuable information at yoga teacher training, and the strange and 'useless' stuff to me is starting to tie in with the solid stuff. But it is kind of like a religion I was not quite prepared for. It's pretty intense. I am choosing to keep it up.

Pictures. Wild rice with no-bean hummus from "Rawvolution". Yummy. Painting pinecones with nail polish for my tree. It gives a pretty glossy finish and it's my 'recession' ornament idea. Real Simple also suggests making a packing peanut garland. Kinda shabby-chic. Now I'm going to play guitar and convince myself I'm not mental.

Ah I missed my shake today but did have maca in oatmeal. So maca can't suppress hormones all the time I guess. I just had a day.

Smobergirl
Day 176

Stuff came out, so played "Let's Go Surfing" by The Drums. All better. ;)

Heck yes! Just made $190+ at the consignment shop by giving them my "fat" clothes. lol

Being good cutting down the caffeine. Iced green tea going on.

Better now

171 days and I am feeling pretty spectacular despite the fact that I still have insomnia. That's been going on for about a month. I also have a slight cough that's been going on for 2 1/2 weeks. I freaked out last weekend during teacher training because I was scared of the religious aspect, but I think I am good with it now. I was skeptical because my instincts were saying get out, but maybe I'm just afraid. I had dinner with some of the fam tonight (Dad's birthday) and they were excited to have me teach them. So that got my blood pumping. I really think that this will be darned good self-help too. I have kept the weight off, and I'm even eating more cheese and bread, which I will be more picky on selecting like local and freshly made. I get compliments all the time. It's awesome. I still don't know if stopping drinking has contributed to it. A friend swore it's true. She said it took her about two months for her metabolism to speed back up after quitting drinking, and then she lost a ton as well. So, that could be it along with not eating out as much and making crazeh shakes.

1/2 cup frozen raspberries
1 packet chocolate protein powder
maca, chia, hemp, flax
1/4 cup water
2 fresh plums

Going to try and get zzzzz's now,

Smobergirl

Instincts

I finished my first weekend of yoga teacher training. There are things I like and things I don't like. I had a feeling initially not to go into this particular program at the studio I am going to, but my mom was hasty in 'having me do something', she's paying for it, and I am grateful for that and I'll learn something and stay fit. I am trying to convince myself that I need it. However, when it gets into the 'astrology' and 'Swarma yoga', I personally think that part is mumbo jumbo. I wished the training was more the physical yoga, but it's a package deal. I sat for two hours chanting cross legged wishing someone would cut off my legs because I wasn't allowed to stretch them out. Pointing the feet at the instructor was considered inappropriate. I'm like, "What?" Yesterday we were taught to get out of bed in the morning on the side of which nostril is most open, and with that leg. I am not kidding. I know I will be struck by lightning in my sleep tonight now. I was just really uncomfortable knowing this training is not cheap, and this is what I'm learning. Again, it is the belief. I'll be fine. I'll let you know what I learn next weekend.

On a positive note, we did learn the physical stuff this weekend too, and pranayama, which are breathing techniques. Ayurveda is tomorrow, and I am interested in that as well, only if I'm allowed to stretch out my legs during the lecture. ;)

Thanks for letting me vent. I was a bit discouraged here and there this weekend. But it did not drive me to drink or smoke.


I made good shakes this weekend with raspberries and plums. Noshing on cashews and almonds. Lots of soup was eaten for lunch. Made spaghetti squash for dinner last night. I had a veggie wrap from the Whole Foods today.

Smobergirl
Day 168

What am I going to do, put a bag over my head?

I'm not going to lie. I'm depressed this morning. A guy I used to date Tweeted a little slam on the Smobergirl yesterday and I got the post in my "Mentions" column because he mentioned my username. Clever that Twitter. He was one of the victims of my drunken angry hormone rants and I totally deserve it. I did it three years ago, but I probably still deserve it. You can't turn back the past. I already apologized. I think I'm blowing things up again and thought I've ruined my reputation for good with him, my old job, and then some. I'm just not in a good mood. So I made this hearty cereal!

MACA
1/4 cup oats
1/4 cup buckwheat groats
Dash cinnamon
Chia
Flax
Hemp
Walnuts
Dried cranberry/pomegranate mix
1 fresh plum
Handful raspberries.

I also did some breathing exercises and tensed up my body and let go two times.

One of my yogi heroes Baron Baptiste Tweeted this today: "Take responsibility for your reality". Great. Well did I take responsibility for my actions? Is there any more apologizing I need to do? I did the damage. I thought I sent all the apology emails I needed to send. I just feel like I should do something else. Like wave a magic wand and make those actions disappear! j/k However, I think I blow most stuff up out of proportion, and that makes me "suffer in my own head". That's another quote from Rolf Gates, another modern yoga dude. In your reality are you going to beat yourself up all day, because you will only suffer in your head, and therefore in your life. What else am I going to do? (see headline) On a different note, you don't know how better I feel living a sober life. I mean, it's really a breath of fresh air. It is absolutely true, the longer you don't have alcohol (and/or other harmful substances) the more reasons you come up with for not wanting it. It does help having a healthy lifestyle. I start yoga teacher training tomorrow and I'm just excited to further transform my lifestyle. With the chaos that still creeps up once in a while to make me feel guilty I need to decide how it's going to effect me. That's good advice, but it's hard not to feel bad. I'm working on that. I am hoping the training will help me too.

~Smobergirl
Day 164

Brrrrr

Warmth and Grounded Shake it:

1 ginger knob
1 blood orange
3 black mission figs
4 kale leaves
1 tsp green powder
1 tsp maca powder
1 tsp chia seeds
1 tsp ground flax seeds
1 tsp hemp seeds
1/4 cup water

This is a very delicious one. Add more fruit if you think it tastes too 'green' or 'earthy'. I found a morning in-bed yoga routine on Youtube that was just 5 minutes long and got all the kinks out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVIzvsHLFfg&feature=related

Also here's a simple morning sun salute that looked good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeL3IvG4iJI

I feel good and warm after my shake. The burning sensation of the ginger is nice for cold days. I am going to a Bikram class with a friend for the first time since college tomorrow. I'll give you a full report. Teacher training starts Friday!

Smobergirl
Day 163

Why don't bagels give me the same energy as shakes?

Why Why? You know, now I am 'hooked' on making these shakes, and I feel crappy if I don't have one in the morning. They make me feel that good.

Yesterday's Shake It:

Orchard shake~

Grapes, handful
1 apple
1 Celery stalk
1 Ginger knob
4 kale leaves
Chia, maca, flax, hemp
1/4 cup water

Maybe the Winter weather and staying up late is contributing to the tiredness. I ate more grapes and a bartlett pear to try and make up for the Black Market Bagel. www.blackmarketbagels.biz. I also took a maca capsule.
I sure loved the storm last night. I had insomnia again and I was up watching it from 1:30 to about 2:30.

Lunch: Cooked spaghetti squash with olive oil, sea salt, cracked pepper, Buzz In A Bottle, and herbs from my patio garden; catnip, oregeno, valerian, and rosemary. Buzz In A Bottle is concentrated cayenne from a guy in Park City. Gotta love the locals!

Speaking of, gotta get to my show. I still have a cough but I'm taking it easy. I made my own loop or infinity scarf by sewing up an old regular scarf I have. Voila, I have everything I need. Notice my sunflowers are dying. They were beautiful while they lasted!

~Smobergirl
Day 161

I have everything I need.

Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Simpson's reference. My adrenalin was up and I took a hot, long bath and I'm just chilling in bed with my laptop.

Even better still, when I got into the venue lo and behold I chose to stand right by a guy I've been thinking about for the last week because I want a part-time position at his work whilst I take my yoga teach training. Cutting in line was my mistake and I'll get over it, and if I didn't I wouldn't had run into my friend. Yeah the couple were extremely irritated with me. Man were they ticked off. I was totally busted. I did think it was charming though when they said, "Get back to the end of the cue!". Speaking of the British, I am now hooked on the comedy "Doc Martin". Always a fan of Britcoms. Most of them anyway. The Young Ones, Monty Python, Are You Being Served, and the talk show Graham Norton I'm a huge fan. Just don't piss the British off. Just kidding. That's not very yogi-like of me.

"George: You tell those pigs to fuck off. Archie: Fuck off, pigs." ~A Fish Called Wanda


Smobergirl

All mixed up

It's still a good day, I just got confused and embarrassed while in line for the Jonsi concert. I was waiting for about 30 minutes when an employee told those who ordered tickets online to go up front. I did, but I needed a print out which I didn't have. Duh. I already lost my spot in line. I didn't use common sence and skipped the line when a bouncer told me to. Moron. Me and him. I proceeded to get yelled at by an angry British couple. A good looking man behind them said I can stand in front of him, then I said it wasn't fair and I went to the back red-faced. Then the hormones kicked in and tears just started streaming down my face. Either it was stuff coming out, chemical imbalance, or just being a sensitive idiot. I am a crier. Then it turned into something good, because the girl behind me was raving about a local band I hve not heard of to her friends. So I wrote it down. Maybe they're good. Lesson learned. I'm cool now. For the record, there are a lot of good looking guys here. Feeling tons better with said eye candy. Show should start soon.

Smobergirl

Om namah shivaya

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0xo4TIfiOY

Yoga teacher training starts in one week. I was questioning myself if I am actually qualified but my friends think otherwise and therefore I have better confidence about it now. Importantly I will keep busy. A cute singer friend of mine did it and had a ball.

I'm making progress with my "I have all that I need" mantra. I ate all of my meals at home, created new outfits out of my closet to wear this weekend to several events. It's going to be a fun weekend. I'm going to Jonsi, and I'm going to rock that. Then I have two birthday parties on Saturday, one at a restaurant and one at a bar. The bar B-Day girl knows I don't drink so if I wanted to slip out early I think she won't mind so much. Then Sunday I scored free tickets to the opera from my friend who runs Vivace. I'm on the board and she's not going and happens to have tickets to it. It's a classic and I wanted to go so badly. There ya go. The stars smiled upon me. Now I need a date. Should I call that guy and see if he wants to see it twice? j/k

I finished the soup I made (those frozen mushrooms from Harmon's, amazing by the way, and cheaper than fresh) and polished off the curry and rice. I am maintaining a healthy 133 pounds. I look younger and my face is clear and looking good for 39. I mean 29. I want to google alcohol and external body benefits of quitting. I want to see if I dropped weight because of it, or if it was just the shakes and not eating out as much; or both.


Smobergirl

Day 158

I am 22 1/2 weeks quit. The iced coffee is still helping. In line to get one now!

Breathe and chill

Inhale.... (cough)

I think I know partly why I haven't dated in two years. I'm not good enough, smart enough, and dog gone it, guys don't like me. That is not true, but I need to drop the fact that I'm worthless because I don't have a full-time job. Or do you agree? I'm hoping to at least get A job by February in the yoga field. I am also interested in a teen-audio/visual program where I can mentor. It all depends on job availability. But I really should not feel so bad? I read today unemployment went up from 27,000 to something like over 400,000 in the states? Is that right? So if I'm a bum should I feel not worthy to date? Or do I talk too much? Is it my moles? Do I smell? Am I too dramatic? Am I weird? You know what, I think I'm just sick and need to rest...because I just got a date offer today and now I'm freaking out...

...A few funny, really funny things about "I have all that I need" today. The timing may have been less than perfect though. I really wanted to go to a concert tomorrow, and just decided to buy a ticket online 15 minutes ago. Two seconds later I check my email and a friend of mine in the Utah Opera/Symphony world asks me if she could set me up on a blind date with a cello-playing friend of hers that same night because he has an extra ticket to La Boheme. I'm like GREAT! I just bought a non-refundable ticket to Jonsi. Then I thought greeeeaaat, he'll probably be really turned off by me anyway. Hmmmm, I wonder why I haven't successfully dated in 2 years. I'm such a moron. I am a moron. Please tell me I'm a self-destructive imbicile. lol So anyway, I have all that I need, again, and I didn't have to get that concert ticket. I need to work harder on universe timing. Hoo boy.

Shake: No shake. Cold and miserable so I heated up a curry from my nice neighbor. Having a home made iced coffee with a freshly ground cinnamon stick. Cinny is an immune booster, and you can grind the sticks in your coffee grinder. Magic.

Smobergirl
Day 157

Mantras

A mantra is a motto if you will, something that you believe in, a repeated word or phrase. I have been trying to be successful with the mantra "I have all that I need". I'm getting better at it, attempting to lose the shopaholic tendencies that have been replacing my wining (never whining) and smoking as of late. "I deserve this!" has been my mantra for the last couple of months. Then I thought I was proud of myself finding yoga capris at TJ Maxx for $12.99, only to find that I own two pairs almost exactly like them. So today I kinda had a miracle with "I have everything I need." I was buggin about my grocery habits, and decided to cut down and go to Harmon's instead of Whole Paycheck. I spent about the same, actually, and how did that happen. I kinda moped on the way home, made a huge home made soup which smelled awesome with black beans and frozen mushrooms from Harmon's, frozen peas, garlic, ginger knob sliced, tomato diced, water and veggie broth powder. Then I get a knock on my door. It's my Indian neighbor with veggie coconut curry she made, because I picked her up from the airport the other night. This was about noonish. Then she asked if I've eaten yet, and we had some of it at her place. Then she breaks out different things like dal she just made and yogurt to add the basmati rice we had for dessert. Then she sends me home with even more stuff than she originally had brought over. I'm totally stocked for at least 2-3 more days' worth of dal, rice, and curry. I think the lesson here was, did I need the Harmon's run? On top of that I had lunch with a new friend. I really like her. She's about my age and her hubby just got a job out of town, so we both decided we could use company from each other now and again.

Oh and I'm kind of sick, hence making soup today. I joked with another friend over the phone today that since I'm going to be a yoga teacher, that people think I'm crazy if I A: drink coffee, B: eat meat, C: pull a muscle, and 4: get sick. It's like I have to be this hippie athlete superhero, which I am only about 335 days of the year. Just kidding. Have you ever tasted a funny taste in your mouth which fogs up from your throat when you get sick? I have that action going on right now. I know grody. I have plans to go to Bikram tomorrow afternoon with another buddy whom I've been trying to hook up with to do yoga with for months, so I hope I'm up to par. However I did enjoy the 30 Rock marathon courtesy of Netflix and leftover dal and rice today. Okay and about 20 spiced cashews from Trader Joe's my mom sent only a few days ago. Feed a cold, right? And I never needed that grocery run today.

Smobergirl
Day 156

5 months quit both booze and sickerettes ajourdui!

Listening to my body.

Day 152 peeps. I should get my third liver maintenance test and CVC (whatever that is) results next week. I was not hungry at all today, but ate more than I wanted and now feel physically uncomfortable. Oops. Note to self: listen to the bod next time.

Shake:

It was the last downtown farmer's market today and I rode my bicycle over and had a raw cacao/banana smoothie.

I found baby greens, my precious Happy Monkey XXX Hummus, (they will soon be in Whole Foods and Harmons) Drake Family Farms' jalepeno goat chevre, and mushrooms from my friends Amber and Rob. I went to Power Hour at CCY. It's 1 hour of power yoga. I told my dad I did an hour of power, and he laughed because there was that old church show on TV called "Hour Of Power".

My poor tummy. Okay, damn you Laloo's and Crumb Brothers. lol. I am hanging out ( I should be practicing French or guitar or painting) waiting for 10 pm to roll around. I promised a friend I'd see him and 3 others do comedy tonight. It's at a bar and grill, all ages so I won't feel uncomfortable. If it was in a wine bar...different story. I have been thinking, and the 6-month mark is in a month from tomorrow, that I'd better stick with Antabuse for another 6. That is if the assistant doesn't call me back next week saying that my liver is failing from the drug, which I really doubt it is. Why did eat soooo much? I guess I am a bit paranoid that I'll gain the weight back from a little dairy and processed grains. Pishaw. And I did my hour of power today. Man my ankles were sore! We did a million (okay four) forward folds with our legs way wide apart. You hold that for then a million seconds, or 2 minutes. I am getting excited for the teacher training. Getting a real job, feeling part of the real world. Playing by the rules. Not feeling like a guilty bum. I am even thinking maybe I could get a job out of the state. Maybe. Get out of dodge. It is quite probable, actually, that it could end up that my brother and the new wife, my dad and stepmom, me, and maybe even my mother and step-dad could all end up in California by chance. I keep threatening to move to Seattle, Vancouver, or Portland, then my father keeps saying how high the suicide rates are there, at least in Seattle and Portland. It's just cold in Canada.

So I got fresh kale and it's back to home-made smoothie, big SALAD for dinner and maybe a small goat cheese and mushroom sammy for lunch tomorrow. I'll toss or freeze....can you freeze pasta?

Smobergirl

Day 150

At first this morning I thought "well that's not that long." then I realized it actually is. One year sounds more impressive, but I'm almost halfway there, if I choose to stay off the booze, which more plausible; but definitely smoking I'm going to be super-excited to make that first year. I think your lungs return to normal after 5-10 years, but one is pretty awesome. 150 days is pretty awesome.

I actually talked to my step-mother today and I told her I have the Antabuse prescription for 6 months, but I think I want to take it for a year. I still have a big craving about every 40 days, and she told me that she saw a movie on TV, which she rented through Netflix for me, and it's a public service movie about alcoholism, AND it mentions that the brain craves it every month or so after a period of sobriety. It's a movie about the genetics of alcoholism. So it's good to know that I'm normally on my way. And of course it's good to know that there are materials like this out there. That old fan of mine who was bashing me behind my back, I don't want her to understand, it's not up to her to understand. Yeah it made me upset, but hello, I'm going to make people uncomfortable with this blog.

What I don't understand is making a second batch of Pasta Ponza. Speaking of pasta withdrawals. I 'only' had a serving and 1/2 today. I made it right this time too. I didn't have the capers and forgot the olive oil on top of the breadcrumbs the first time. Sooooo I HAD to make it again! I don't think I've eaten pasta for three months until last week, and cheese besides goat cheese. This is the perfect marriage of light sea salt, sweet, and tang I just can't stop. I don't think there is a Pasta Anon meeting in my area though. Oh but you see I made a salad with it! It's kale even, with butter lettuce, green onion, pepitas, walnuts, pumpkin seed oil, and lemon juice. I even feel better breaking out the BOSU. I love that thing. It's still $99 after the phenom came out decades ago, which was frustrating to me, but it is a good product. And I feel even BETTER having my precious hormone-balancing shake this morning.

Shake it:
1 tart red apple
1 bok choy
lemon juice from 1 lemon
1/4 cup water (mmmm spa water with 1 vanilla bean, lemon slices, and mint sprigs in the pitcher)
1 TBS maca
1 TBS chia seeds
1 tsp flax seeds ground
1 tsp hemp seeds
LOVE

So I got another liver test today (and I had to get a CVC [?] I'll ask when they call with the results) and about five blocks away I see a truck parked in a driveway that said "Wine Ice Cream". I couldn't have had better timing.

Namaste and love and all that jazz,

Smobergirl

Beautiful day. Depo shot due in 2 weeks. Not gonna do it for 1st time in 10 years .

I actually feel skinnier today. Go pasta and bagels if you know what's in them.

Pasta monster

Je suis une fat-ass, no not really. I have forbidden myself to buy crackers for a few years, especially with a hunk of cheese, because it's hard not to eat it all in 1-2 days. I discovered the local bagel lady last week who sells out of her home. www.blackmarketbagels.biz, and now carbs are back this week in full-force, but it's been three whole days. And I'm still barely eating out. So the same goes for pasta. If I make the 'serves 4-8' then I'll sometimes eat 2 servings a day, maybe three. Of course I don't want to gain that 23 pounds back. Good thing is, I still don't eat a lot at one setting. I just have more settings! Buahahahahah. Pasta Ponza, actually not that evil, but you can't just have one bowl....unless it's this big. No, actually I am still good at small portion sizes. But living alone is tough. It's like, "I made this thing, gotta finish it by the end of the week!". That's the evil part, but it's good while it lasts. I need to give myself a break. I did my power yoga today. Doing more tomorrow. At least I know what is in said-pasta. A shitload of tomatoes! Can't complain about that. I found really good ones at the last Tuesday Farmer's mkt today. (Caputo's will have a food co-op for two more Tuesdays in their parking lot, BTW). I did sub olive oil for the butter, so I feel good about that, even though the butter is just to grease the pan. I'm just anti-butter. But the thing is a salt-bomb. Cheese, capers, salty pasta water, natural salt in tomatoes, added sea salt. So I'm upping the ante on the agua tonight.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/pasta-ponza-recipe/index.html

Shake:

2 kale leaves
1 fuji apple
1/2 cup water
maca
chia
hemp
flax
knob (ginger)

I do the opposite of the 'royalty' diet. Have you heard of that one? Eat like a king for breakfast, a prince for lunch and a pauper for dinner. Turn that around and that's what I've been doing. It's funny but true. Actually the real evil here is losing weight then being paranoid to gain it back when you eat pasta and bagels. There I said it. I don't want to develop an eating disorder. I want to enjoy food. I want to nourish my body with things that give me energy and make me look good, but I like a good pasta or calzone from Este or a chewy warm bagel made fresh from some nice lady in Sugarhouse once in a while. I think I'll be just fine. And FUUUUUUUUUUDGE. I just quit the smokin and the drinkin. I am too hard on myself.

So hey I had a Truth about Tobacco guy on my show today. It was really cool. My mom is 6 weeks quit. So proud. She's doing the lozenges for 12 weeks.

Love, and I hope you are enjoying the Fall weather slowly creeping in,

Namaste,

Smobergirl
Day 149!

Happy Fall!

Baby, it's cold outside. Well, it's about 63 degrees and overcast. This is my kind of weather. Well, more like 75 and overcast but still, I like that Seattle and Portland weather. Speaking of Portland (kind of) I'm all tickled cuz one of my favorite yoga teachers is opening up a new studio with another great teach right across the street from the radio station I used to work at. No, that's not the reason. There is a place in Portland's Pearl district which is a natural cafe/yoga studio, and that's what these guys are doing. They are holding classes now, but the final product won't be finished until November. Still stoked.

No shake today. I was up reading and playing on the laptop until 3 am (a habit about 2 months on and off in the running) so I woke up at 1 pm and made leftover Trader Joe's lentil soup with the acorn squash, scallion, garlic, and farmer's market tomato I put in. And I made the best salad with baby butter lettuce I found at the Tuesday downtown market. There's one more left next week. I am now baking sweet potato chips for a BBQ. I can't wait to hit up Aquarius for a fresh filet of salmon. I have these guava frozen ices stocked in my freezer. They are truly a frozen anti-depressant. You know guava is my favorite thing in the world.

20 minute walk on treadmill today. I did some yoga poses to wake up. Cat-cow, down dog, tree, table top.

Smobergirl
Day 146

Too many almonds, or what a weird yet creative day, or ugh too many almonds.

At least I don't feel guilty, I just feel a sour stomach. I could have said, "too much wine and smoking" right? Or, "too many fries and double cheeseburgers". I spent all day at home painting up a storm, washing the balcony after three years of neglect, ew gross, jumping on the Bosu, playing with the cats, and doing a relaxing but core-building (that means abs) kundalini workout. I didn't even check the mail.

First I woke up at noon. I was stressing a little yesterday about some stuff and maybe my body needed the rest. I did feel refreshed at noon. I had my shake.

1/4 cup raspberries
1/4 cup spa water (limes, mint infused. Mint from my planter! Thanks to my brother who gave me herb garden seeds for Christmas last year. They actually grew and I have chamomile, mint, lavender, and um some other things I forgot what's in there.)
1 tsp cocoa/maca
1 tsp chia seeds
1 tsp flax
1 tsp hemp
3 small kale leaves
1 bok choy
2 tiny ginger knobs

My mother sends me stuff from the Las Vegas Trader Joe's sometimes when she goes. She lives in St. George so she goes there quite often. She gave me a lentil soup mix from Red Mill that is delish. I added scallions, garlic, the acorn squash that had been sitting in my fridge for a month, and tomato. Then an hour ago I got into the Trader Joe's tamari almonds and went a little crazy. Now I am thanking my lucky stars I live alone, I'm not lonely tonight! because apparently tamari almonds cause serious flatulence.

Speaking of me mum, I kinda got the guilt talk about how I shouldn't be such a bum. Maybe that's why I got so guilty and worked up. I kinda signed up for yoga teacher training (yep doing it. It starts on the 29th) because I have to and she said I had to do something. Don't get me wrong, I am stoked, just nervous that's all. I can't sit around anymore whining about my radio and drinking mishaps. A year and 1/2 is enough. Then she asked me if yoga teaching pays the bills and I'm biting my nails thinking well dear God I hope so. I am assuming this: It will at least improve my lifestyle. And B: Perhaps brain wash me into a hippy, but I'd be happy, right? Then I'd scare off all my friends by telling them that they need to open their chakras or that they have negative auras. I'm just kidding. lol.

My mom is a successful artist, and she likes to tell me how she paints seven hours a day so I should get off my tush and do something. Well then I thought that's easy. I'LL paint seven hours a day! I think I did 'only' about 5 today but I got so much done, and I am going to impress the pants off of her. Or try. I'm almost done with a pretty cherry blossom painting, and my mom has never heard of Day Of The Dead dolls, so I painted some gourds white tonight, and I'm going to show her what that's all about. She's a gourd artist, and in 5 art galleries in Utah. She just sold three to a man in Singapore for $3000. What what? She is very talented. I neglected a horse bowl we took a class on two years ago and I spent about two hours on that today. She told me that I 'out burn' her so that's a huge compliment and it felt great to almost finish it. Instead of carving gourds, you burn patterns in them with a burning tool. Art for me is a lot like meditation. I liked doing mosaics so much, it was like putting a puzzle together. I've taken watercolor and oil painting classes in college. Then I discovered mosaics. Then I got so wrapped up in trying to make a lot of money as a DJ or voiceover artist which never happened, turned into an alcoholic, then lost interest in a lot of things including doing art and cleaning my stupid balcony. Plus I got the typical lectures back in the day from other family members and old boyfriends about how art is great but it doesn't pay the bills. Thank God I listened to them. Bastards. No, not bitter at all. :)

I am now starting to feel like my life is coming back together. Good day, good day.

Smobergirl
Day 144