Changing my tune

I healed the bridge, which I am forever relieved. However I want to turn this sad 'journal' into something positive. I can't financially afford to binge for at least two weeks so that is a blessing. I also still want to have the smoothie blog, which is taking place in about three minutes. I have a huge testimony with the food-mood connection. I feel my best when I eliminate toxic substances ad eat whole, non-dairy foods. I even felt fine with lean meats and fish.

Day three here, and here's to keeping it up. If I can stay clean and lose 25 pounds in eight months so can you!

Smobergirl

Who's tired of me?

*raises hand* Hi broken record here. I slipped and I fought via internet with one of my friends of 25 years and I may have burned up a very long bridge.

However, I am trying to unconditionally love myself, and either my grandfather is up there watching or the karma keeps flowing for some reason. Because, today yoga and connections were all over the place. I taught a client and friend a private yoga lesson today and my endorphins sky-rocketed. He'll be coming every week for me to help his stiffness and troubled hip. He seemed to like the workout and I brushed up on my teaching skillz. Yes with a 'z'. Also, one of my mother's friend's found me on Facebook and wants me to sub for her yoga studio. The ball is rolling! I am also appreciating the joys of moderation tonight. I'm not sober yet but I am not smoking. Here's the deal, I actually think smoking is gross and wine numbs it. Then I get stimulated from the nicotine and I end up gulping my wine and not appreciating it, and after a while I forget what it tastes like. Tonight I am having 5 ounces of rose, I walked with it walking my cat up and down the hall, and it's pleasant. I'm in bed with a little left and I'm ready to sleep after I post this. When I drink and not smoke, I don't binge. There's some weird science for you.

I also went to a new Thai place in town with a friend and walked in the park afterwards. It was a perfect, forgiving, lovely day.

Smobergirl

Pineapple-Cilantro Smoothie

Serves 2.

1/2 pineapple

1 bunch cilantro

1 cucumber

1 cup chilled water

1 tbsp raw honey

I slipped.

This is my Ugly Doll journal. I am going to try journaling again or worksheets, or both. Or I could just lock myself up somewhere for a month. Being in the music business for so long, however, has taught me that rehab does not necessarily work from all of the music news I've read. This singer fled rehab, that one went back to rehab, and this one is instructed to go to rehab then starts using again when he/she gets out. Then there's a place in Malibu that's more of a self-help workshop for a cool $78,000. I'd rather print out my own free worksheets at home and make my own cleansing food. Kale smoothies are amazing. Spinach is wonderful. Citrus and pineapple 'clean' out the body and are natural anti-depressants. So is my cat. He's my miracle baby. However I am hurting him too when I smoke.

I am not grateful enough for everything I have. It may be genetic (always blame the family right? lol) that I want to be perfect and I'm flawed. I have an amazing, cozy condo. I have a beautiful wardrobe. I look younger than I am spite all of the damage I have done. I have a flat screen TV on my wall where I can watch all the Food Network I want. I can afford to be a freelancer and take fun classes. Well that part isn't me. I have inheritance and a giving family when I should be independant. That's one part of my guilt. I won't go get a full-time job because I don't want to be more miserable. Having a dream job for 20 years, although it was part-time, I don't want to get back into a 9-5 sales position. That's another thing. I wasn't "good enough" to be a full-time radio DJ. That's what some kept telling me.

I'm a brat. Then there's more guilt. I am a spoiled brat. I am selfish. I shop and eat out more than I should. I eat out to be social mostly. I still feel lonely. My neck is starting to age. No one can ever fall in love with a co-dependant brat like me. How much more self-destructing can I do? I don't feel like a normal person. I feel failed and flawed. I got my yoga teaching certificate and I can't get into a studio and I haven't tried any gyms. I am a complete hypocrite.

This is where the journal comes in. Writing all the stuff that is good about me instead of how horrible I am. Nobody is perfect. Luck plays a big factor in the entertainment business, even though I was reminded constantly how 'stupid' I sounded on the air. My problem is being bullied since I was six. My friends wonder why at 40 I beat myself up constantly. They don't understand why I keep hitting the bottle and cigarettes. Some people even see it as a crime and not a health problem like harder drugs. Don't get me started on the judgment system. Addicts should be sent to doctors, not prisons and jails.


I think I'm finished rambling. It's off to a bath and a yoga class. Maybe a vegan joint with friends tonight. I'm not lonely. I have single freedom. I have to love myself. I have to take care of this mind and body. I made some enemies by drinking but I have a ton of people who love me. What if I died before my parents? What if I got COPD or an organ disease and how would I explain that to them? I could not bear with myself if my kitty got sick from my smoke.

Okay NOW I am done rambling. Let's start over for the last time please.

Thank you for reading.

Smobergirl

I am beautiful

That statement is something you can say to yourself no matter what. I am done poking and prodding myself in the mirror every morning, or wanting my long hair back even though I can just wash and go, there's no more clumps in the shower, and I'm getting a fudge-ton of compliments. Healthy is the new skinny in my book. Listen to and love yourself. I ate a lot of 'beauty' foods today: chia, spinach, lemon, water, avocado, blueberries, forbidden rice (it's on sale at Sunflower), quinoa, and olives. I ate at home all day. Tomorrow I'll get celery, cilantro, and a pineapple for more smoothie goodness. I didn't listen to my inner "don't shop online" voice so I plan to eat mostly at home vegetarian for a while, maybe forever. That's healthy thinking. I'll feel a whole lot better about my bod then that's for sure. I made this killer shake with TJ's chocolate hemp protein powder, peanut butter, Raw Melissa frozen coconut dessert, and water. Amazing and it satisfied my sweet tooth. I love my Vita-Mix. Yup, it's still my boyfriend.

Sweet dreams, get your beauty sleep!

Smobergirl

"I can't help it"

Yes I can! I think before I drink, or shop. Sometimes I don't listen to my thinking but that's my instinct saying "WOAH I don't think you should do that." Listen to that voice. It's a huge, HUUUUUUGE payoff. It could be the voice of saving our lives.

I learned an awesome yoga routine online. There's a ton of free yoga videos you can check out. I'm into Kimberly Snyder right now: http://www.kimberlysnyder.net/blog/2012/06/02/spine-opening-yoga-routine/


Love,

Smobergirl


Day 16! Can you believe 20 days is just around the corner.

P.S. Eat avocados. Pishaw on the fat content. The minerals, beauty benefits, and calming effects outweigh it's (natural) fat. Eat one a few hours before you work out. It's natural carbs will give you energy!

P.P.S. Cocoa Coco Loco Banana Blueberry Smoothie:

1/2 bunch kale
1/2 cup blueberries
1/2 frozen banana
1 tbsp coconut oil
1 scoop chocolate Amazing Greens
1 tbsp chia seeds
1 cup chilled water