Just went to the bank and withdrew $40 to go into the Diane Von Fustenberg fund basket.

The joy of acid.

Feeling hopeful and on the path to eating much better. But even though I have my cold press at home, there is a joy of going out to a coffee shop with hot students and busy chess players, and getting my punchcard stamped. I had dry granola (Tree Hugger, my favorite) with fresh chuncks of mango and pineapple, and a hard boiled egg for breakfast. Feeling: Light but not quite energized. Could be smoking withdrawals. Lunch was 3 oz. salmon with yogurt dill sauce and caprese salad leftover from Cucina. Again I felt light and more awake. I saw an episode of "The Truth About Food" with Dr. Oz yesterday, and they proved that eating tomatoes every day decreased skin burning, but don't nix your sunscreen.

I have yet another new plan. They just keep coming! When I was little I would do anything for bribery. My mother taught me well. In the past few years I always wanted a Diane Fustenberg wrap dress. She invented the wrap dress in the 50s or 60s I think, and she still makes them. But they are insanely expensive. So maybe I can quit bingeing for sheer materialism. I spend $30 to $60 on a night binge, 2-3 times a week. A DVF dress usually starts at $350. So every other day starting today, I'm putting $40 away to be saved for the dress. And maybe I'll change my mind and save for a vacation. But I always wanted a classic DVF.

~Smobergirl

Feeling distraught today. Even thought of cancelling the blog again. I'm having a flight or fight day. I wanted to cancel everything: the online dating site, weed out my facebook friends, stay at home and shut out the world. I even plotted my death and had a brilliant plan, but of course I won't. I'm having the issue that I have tons of love from fans, some love from friends and family, but only cat love at home. I'm so lonely I am about to explode. See what depressants do to you and yes I thought I could control it again. I was afraid to blog to find police or an ambulance at my door waiting. My life is actually pretty good so what am I doing? I think the grass is greener on the other side for most people. I need a new habit and lifestyle and prove that my life will be better by what I put into my body. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to do it with.

The difference.

I don't know if I have mentioned the different experience between enjoying a glass of wine with dinner and downing a bottle at home while smoking. It's Hammeranylitical time! The same wine will actually taste different depending on the situation. The flavor will actually not be as intense or enjoyable bingeing, my conclusion being that the smoke dulls the flavor, and so does intoxication, and perhaps "mindless drinking" also takes he flavor away. It's so much better with a meal, and one glass, not one 750ml bouteille. I think that's how you say it in French. It's pronounced "boo-tay" which is awesome.

Focusing on food and exercise

I had an epiphany this morning and went a little crazy. I put my AA book in the trash and decided to get real. I know I'm flip flopping here, but does it make sence to drink 5-7 goblets of wine a night and be a nutrition student?Am I drinking just like a mindless eater? Do I do it to sleep better and kill the lonliness? Yes? Do I need to keep doing it because it doesn't sound healthy to me, and I also think I can lose weight if I stop. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm going to start over and do things my way. Eat for my health, mood, and body. Work out to keep the endorphins up and sleep better. Call friends or go to an event if I am lonely. We'll see if that works.

~Smobergirl

Light vs. Heavy

Not the best start to my day. I took a sleepy yoga class, then had a portabello, spinach, and hummus sandwich with three baked Cajun potato wedges at a local diner and there's a brick in my stomach. Due to craves and feeling funky, I do some emotional eating, like the comforts of Cajun fries dipped in fry sauce. Bad move. It was fun at the time though. I have a bunch of greens, avocado, nuts, and pineapple at home. I think I'll whip up something light and tasty later on. Like that vegan ranch I made, it was so tasty and I felt light but not deprived afterwards.

~Smobergirl

Feeling good. Getting back into more yoga. I went to a great express class yesterday. Then I went to restore this morning and I definately wanted something more than sitting or lying for 90 minutes focusing on my chakras, so I think I'll stick to vinyasa stuff. I'm still eating some kind of orange citrus every morning, and trying to stick to only drinking my cold press coffee. I really like my sponsor still and she has me call her every day. There are actually some stories in the 'big book' that I can relate to. The only thing I'm not doing is the steps, I don't mean to be ignorant but I'd like to try just to clean up, then do what feels right or just start living again.

Feeling relieved today. I was worried about going to gallery stroll and being tempted by the wine, but HALLELUJAH! I got a text from an AA bud and a group os going to a baseball game. I can go to gs any month, and maybe I'm not ready to go to another one just yet. ;)

~Smobergirl

Hi. Four days today. I got yet a new sponsor yesterday and it so happens she used to be drinking buddies with my brother and his fiancé! Who knew. I think it's meant to be. The last drunk I went off on Facebook again. Why couldn't I have done this ten years ago when we didn't have this technology? Well even more the reason to stop.

Other than that I have received seriously good karma in the last month.

The negatives are outweighing the positives when I drink. It's not worth it, and how many times have I said that? Like the Big Book says, we alkies are powerless against alcohol. God knows I've tried to control it like others and failed. This sponsor I have keeps in touch which I seriously need. I also promised to say yes to every meeting she invites me to unless I have a work thing. I had a craving today but I can't do it, because of her and the fear of who I will tell to go to Hell or flirt with next. It's not worth the unpredictability.

~Smobergirl

WHEW!

Holy crap that sucked! I have to thank my lucky stars for being stuck in Ogden tonight, or else I probably would have gone to a wine bar then brought a bottle home. I wanted it so badly. I told ya it's like a God damn light switch. I had to emcee a concert benefit at an all-ages venue and I had to be sober, for my own sake. Booze was offered in the back (shhh) but you know I'm only a high-end closet wino. So after I introduced the second band I found a baked potato place and that put the fire out, even though I had dinner two hours before. Copious amounts of food (and sometimes with water) seem to do that, put the fire out. I had my raw today so I didn't feel too much of a fatass. Plus I skipped the dairy on the potato. It was only a stinking potato...with "chili verde", processed chicken, and fresh herbs. It was kind of a fast-food looking place, like a potato-version of Subway, but it was fun while it lasted. And hey, I didn't drink.

I won the fight tonight. I made sure I had a non-alcoholic beverage (a Vitamin Water) on the train ride back to SLC, which kept me pacified. I took a hot bath and now I'm in bed listening to classical music. Like I said, I am a classy broad.

Bon nuit mon amis,

Smobergirl

Good day!

Not craving. I also am motivated to stay clean because I'm DJing a big gig this Saturday. Also, I watched What The Bleep Do We Know?, a quantum physics movie, and that helped me understand the craves. Parts of it talked about conditioned mutating cells and why at a certain time they want their fix and say, "Let's party!". So now I can prepare to change my party cells. That doesn't mean I can't stop having fun. :)

I did 45 minutes with Gilad today, walked 10 on the treadmill, and made an awesome salad. I found a vegan ranch recipe in one of my raw books (Rawvolution) and it's actually awesome.

~Smobergirl

Mostly raw day.

I am naked right now. No not really. For Tuesday brunch (everything was late today) I went to the vegan diner for my favorite taco salad. No greasy shell, but it does have tortilla chips, which for fried and carb reasons I ask for them to take the chips off. Well today, I got twice as many chips! I'm a woman of peace (unless boozed up) and I just ate the fresh ingredients pushing the chips aside. Life, I mean, is not worth arguing over too many chips.

For lunch I made zucchini noodles drizzled with Caputo's pesto, chopped tomato, and moroccan olives. I made sweet potato fries again, but I ate them raw! I cut 1/2 of a yam into sticks, poured a little olive oil on them, added sea salt and pepper, and dipped them in my fancy schmancy French Dijon mustard. I also made Ani Phyo's raw chocolate pudding. So proud of myself today, because I don't want to talk about what I ate yesterday. I was like a bulldozer. Don't want to talk about it.

~Smobergirl

Yay me.

I did 40 minutes on the treadmill and 20 doing the TV program Namaste Yoga. So proud. Now I can sleep like a baby.

~Smobergirl

Late Night Workout

I had a great night with my friend (thanks A!) who we saw another friend do comedy tonight. He was really good. Then I got home and ate some leftovers from dinner (cauliflour, chicken, and rice. Cats ate most of the chicken) them went to a coffee shop to eat the shavings off of a chocolate mousse cake and to drink an iced coffee. Took a hot bath, and still wired, got on the treadmill which is where I am at now so I better focus. I'll do Namaste Yoga after this then crash.

~Smobergirl