Try something new...

...get rid of what doesn't work, (ahem), and do lots of yoga. Aside from the obvious, I had a 1/2 grilled cheese and 7 fries and felt sick to my stomach 10 minutes later. I did get my Vegan Living for Dummies book in. I should know better. These were from a local cafe where I was watching a poetry slam (something new). I just got out of an amazing yoga class (It's medicine for the mind, body, and soul. Why don't I 'prescribe' myself this every day? ), and I thought I was hungry when I actually just needed water and an after workout snack, like an orange or nuts. But no, I was craving salt. My bad. It was frozen fries and processed swiss that you can stretch a foot without breaking it. Bad news bear. Anywho, I had these young poets on my show today and they were incredible! I had no appreciation for spoken word until I saw these guys. Then I saw the show tonight at the evil grilled cheese place, and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. They are called poetry slams. Look 'em up and find one. This guy was on my show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjUldzppc74

Well, I'm exhausted. A side effect of quitting cigs and booze is insomnia, and lucky for me I had a good workout and screamed my head off at the slam.

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl

~Un

Now Here vs. Nowhere

It's just a space. Baron Baptiste taught me that at the yoga bootcamp. He said that means be in the here and now. When you think about the past or future you are "nowhere". Another yogi I deeply admire, Rolf Gates, said that you just make yourself suffer if you think about regrets or worry. I definitely need to practice that more, even though I'm getting a little better at it. I sent apology emails and now I'm letting that go.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

I am a huge Monty Python fan, and actor Graham Chapman died of throat cancer when he was 48 in either 1989 or 1990 I think. I just learned from a documentary that he was a doctor, and I do believe he drank quite a lot. I'll have to do some investigating. I admire him and the entire cast. Laughter is quite the medicine. I am sad it could not keep Mr. Chapman alive.

Slipped.

I felt a huge hole in my gut all morning. I sent a few hate emails last night, I told you when I drink I'm pretty good at that. You'd think I'd run out of people to send angry emails to. I just hope I have learned my lesson this time. I was just on the phone with my dad, which brought up my spirits a little.

~Smobergirl

Hi Pete!

No news on your silly show. Go do your job and stop stalking me.

I've lost 5 pounds last week by not eating cheese and cutting down on coffee, and drinking green tea every day, and eating fruit for breakfast. Hips and waist have gone down a bit, and I'm losing the wine bloat. Oh yeah. Bandit struck a pose.

~Smobergirl

Morning! I had a satsuma and five grapes this morning. I'meeting my mother for lunch. We have been having fun and she's here for one more day. We did our black Friday shopping yesterday. I let her wake up at an ungodly hour and I joined her at 11. It was a great time. My exercise was walking for 5 hours shopping. ;) Today I'll do yoga or gilad.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

A beautiful, synchronistic, day.

I found this online today: http://www.lime.com/node/22734 I was truly inspired. Whew. Big day. Everyone came over at noon and cooked up a storm. We watched a little of the game and countless episodes of Arrested Development. Then my mother and I saw the movie Old Dogs, which really surprised me. Then I had some leftovers, took a bath, and saw Fantastic Mr. Fox. I thought it was so good. Highly recommended by yours truly. Now I have to practice my guitar scales because I have a lesson tomorrow afternoon. Then bed!

Have a safe black Friday!

~Smobergirl

Day one.

Synchronicity!

What a strange Thanksgiving. I had a strong feeling to see Fantastic Mr. Fox because the TV kept playing the trailer. When I arrived at the theater, leaving was my downstairs neighbor! Good or bad karma? They don't call it Small Lake City for nothing. I should of said hello, but I'm still afraid to do so. Maybe next time. I do say hi in the elevator even though she always gives me the silent treatment. I think she may be just as afraid of me as well. People by habit are afraid of each other.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I behaved today. I drank Golden Star carbonated tea, had not too many cheesy fingerling potatoes with roasted garlic or stuffing, and started with an awesome salad I made. It's red butter leaf lettuce with walnuts, bleu cheese, and pears. I can't avoid the cheese for the holidays. ;)

Than my mom and I went to see Old Dogs. I didn't think it would be my cup of tea, but I thought it was really cute. My seat happened to be next to a guy I went to high school with who I just saw at my 20th reunion this Summer. We actually hung out once, at that same theater just months ago. Crazy!

Hot bath time. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am thankful for my health, my two tabby cats, my family, and strange coincidences.

~Smobergirl

Starting over, with an excuse.

There is always a trigger or an excuse. Tonight I had both. My mom is in town for the holiday, and all night she either had wine in a to-go cup, or ordered wine at dinner. My problem is that I lead her to believe I'm not drinking or smoking. I don't tell her that I'm tempted when she does. I pretend to be the good example. If I didn't drink tonight I'd see her, my brother, and his fiance drink all afternoon and smoke on my balcony tomorrow, then cave when they leave, especially if there is any vino left. And there's a gas station somewhere open on Thanksgiving where I can get cigarettes. Here's the excuse part: Ta da, if I give in today that means I'll quit Thanksgiving! I'll be free forever and what a day to quit. Yeah, then there's Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, the first of April, my birthday...

Tonight at least I'm drinking a glass of water in between each glass of petit sirah. I'll probably feel like crap tomorrow, but I'm trying to take care of my body a little but better with this relapse.

I know what's going on. My friends praise me for me being aware of my situation. Great! Fabulous! Now I need to get to the spot when I actually walk my talk and they say, "Wow! You did it!".

Tonight I bought my Capris and told my friend the local small grocery store clerk that I quit tomorrow. He also wants to quit. So I can't get cigs there anymore, but of course there will be other places that I can get them. Should I post it on Facebbook, call every convenience store, liquor and wine store, and smoke shop in Utah saying, "Don't let me buy this crap anymore!"? LOL Well maybe I can.

Now, my mother did bring an extra vapor inhaler. She got it for her best friend who said she wanted one, then changed her mind. My mom is hoping my brother and his fiance want to quit, and will offer it to them tomorrow. I could corner her first before they come over, and tell her the truth and ask for it. Then I could drink wine at night and use that...baby steps...or use it during the day and at night with no wine. What's a girl to do.

Good night my friends. This has to be my last relapse.

~Smobergirl tomorrow

Just play nice.

I have soooooo learned that my life is a million times better if I am pleasant. Even if I fake it. Have you heard the phrase "What you resist persists"? That is an 100% totally true statement. If you let things go life is just easier. This ties into drinking and smoking because I lose my judgment from the wine and get anxiety from the cig chemicals. So I have no problems being right and getting all pissy. But that is not the real me. Without the toxins in my body I am happier, pleasant, and a much better person. I ran into my downstairs neighbor in the elevator today and she's still not speaking to me after I had some noisy boys on my balcony at a Christmas party four years ago, and she was scared to death when she found out I was getting a jetted tub. I don't know her all that well but I get from her that she is gentle, kind of unhappy in general, and sensitive. I'm not the only one she's mad at. When I was new in the building she'd always have someone to complain about in our old elevator adventures. I have apologized, but explained my side which just made her angrier. So if I only just apologized then maybe she'd smile and talk to me during our current elevator rides. What you put out there definitely comes back to you.

Hey, I just heard a commercial jingle, "Every day's a new day". It is! Life is also what you make it.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

P.S. Go Donny Osmond!

I'm definitely addicted to ice.

Don't worry I don't have pica. I mean I love iced drinks. Even if something is cold, I prefer ice in it. Even when I drank red wine. It's something my mother does. By the way my mother and step-dad just bought vapor inhaler cigarette substitutes from Japan, about $79 each. They like them very much and hope to quit smoking in one month, which the product promises. I hope they can quit! I hope I can too.

There is a neat Christmas market downtown with food and crafts. I may go get a little lunch there. I had so many grapes as big as golfballs this morning from Costco. Of course I had to get a clamshell of the things that weighs about 5 pounds, so I'm going through them like there is no tomorrow. But like I said, be careful O.D.ing on fruit. ;) Also, I have been advised not to buy conventional grapes, for they are on the 'dirty dozen' pesticide list. Then there is the other side, actually it was Penn & Teller LOL, who said more farms use synthetic pesticides which are completely safe. I washed the suckers very well anyway.

~Smobergirl

Ubisoft Health Coach

http://stopsmokingwithallencarr.ubi.com/

If you want to quit smoking and you don't have an iPhone, I highly recommend that website. I spent three hours last night playing with Alan Carr's Ubisoft Apple application on my iPhone. I am a highly visual kind of gal, so I loved playing the games and watching the little fun stick figure guy. I hope this will help my smobriety.

Eating healthy today. Tofu scramble and new potatoes this morning. Snacks for lunch: Persian cucumber slices, Popchips, cold cooked shrimp in BBQ sauce, and cherry tomatoes. I am taking a soup and mixed rice, and popcorn to work.

Love,

Smobergirl

I have to go back to what I said about planning each hour out, or something! What a hypocrite I am. Also it was cool talking to that rehab owner. I got overly dramatic about the cost. I know they are expensive, especially the cushy ones. This place looks like a luxury resort. I woner if I told him it was me with the problem if he would have given me more advice, but he did tell me some things that made me smile. I'll keep taking the supplements, I now feel calmer After taking them for a week or so, and listening to the CDs. I do agree with them that even a former alchie should not think he or she is diseased or will be scarred for life. I haven't eaten at a major fast food chain except on road trips when the family stops then I'll get a plain salad, since 2003. But I think about them once in a while and put the more negative thoughts in my head. That doesn't make me scarred for life. But it's funny how I can be grossed out by MSG and other chemicals, as well as saturated fat; but feel free to put cigarette chemicals and ethanol in my body. I'm still waiting for that movie! I could put up the evil chemical list up on my fridge. That may help, or a picture of a cirrosis liver. Scare tacticts don't help everyone but they seem to be effective on me, and I romantisize these toxins. Tarzan need turn thinking around. Grunt.

~Smobergirl

More analyzing.

I love this blog! I like typing better than writing, and I get to share all of my crazy stories with you! (as well as show you that I am really crazy too LOL)

I might have said this earlier, but I may also drink to do this, "Awe, poor baby" thing the next day. Does that make sense? I destruct myself so I can repair and coddle myself the next day subconsciously. Because I am alone and have no one to comfort me, that's how I do it? The thought just crossed my mind. It makes sense to me.

Thanks,

Smobergirl

I just drove past a billboard that says, "Stick With Sobriety" and it had sticky notes on it with grocery lists and the word "drugs" was crossed out. Synchronicity!

I woke up at 10:30 this morning a little headachy and phlegmy. I had five units of cabernet last night with Capri cigs. I took my Passages supplements and I feel pretty calm. I have a glass bottle of water here. Did laundry, fed the cats. The cute eating machines. I'm just happy that my 15-ur old tabby eats like crazy. He got skinny real quickly and he may have a thyroid. Not feeling too guilty this time, I'm just back on the smober horse. What new thing can I promise you? To have a phone list to call for help when I'm craving, a new goal, carry my worksheets with me always? I could jot everything down in my iPhone. Well time for a vegan breakfast of steamed veggies and a nut burger with guacamole. I hope it snows today!

~Smobergirl

Erase that!

Holy cow, just what happened to intoxicated me?

I googled Passages Malibu, and found "Passages Malibu Scam". I looked that up, and it said, oh dear, they charge $68,550 for a one month session and don't do it, even though the owner's son went through heroin addiction for 10 years, blah blah blah. So I called Passages myself just now. I got the receptionist, and I just asked how much a one-month long session was, and she said she'd forward me to an expert. Great. I'm going to talk to a quack who will give me a great sales pitch. Then I get a familiar voice. "Hello, this is Chris." It's the owner! I recognized his voice from the CDs!! I said, "HI. I just have one question. How much do you charge for a one-month session?" "Well ____" He found my last name. How? And funny that he calls me by my last name. He says a month session is $78,000 and if you get therapy at a nearby facility without his and his son's help it's $38,000. From the horse's mouth. My 2008 Subaru costs $25,000. Then he asks who's it for. On the top of my head I lied and said it's for my 32-yr old cousin. I'm 38. "That's young!" He says. "What is she addicted to?" Alcohol and cigarettes. "You know, the cigarettes are worse than the alcohol. But I bet she can't do one without the other." Which is true in my case. "We have the best experts in the country who can help her with that. Thanks for calling, ____(my last name). Have a good night". Wow. Chris Prentiss in the audio flesh. $78,000. That's probably about the Porsche I want or an RV. $78,000. I was expecting $3,000 which my parents could throw down for me. Seventy-eight THOUSAND DOLLARS. I could do so many things more with that. Go to Europe and see my friends 70 times. Go around the globe. Buy an electric car or two. Feed Ethiopia. Shit! According to Chris' $8.99 iPhone book I can fix myself if I get a therapist, a medic, and an acupuncture guy or gal. That would add up to oh, $1,000-$5,000 maybe in a month? Holy crap. That makes Anthony Robbins sound cheap. $78,000. Wow. Do I get a diamond ring with that? Sorry. I'm buzzed and I know I'm not on heroin, cocaine, or anything else harsher than what I am doing. What I did get from the book and $39 CD is that alcohol is ethanol, which scars your liver. And I've seen it in the art show Bodyworlds, which came to my town last year. It is art in the form of cadavers, but also shows a black lung, fatty liver, and a cirrhosis liver which was shrunken and had scars all over it. Chris Prentiss of Passages said ethanol burns the liver, leaving scars. I should ask my nutrition teach about that also. I seems true. But unfortunately the exhibit did not leave a mark on me, which I wish it should have. I am still young and maybe I should had told Chris it was me with the problem. But $78,000? If I spent $2000 on cigs and wine per year since 1995, that would be...$28,000! Wow. But is it worth almost 4-fold more? $28,000. Is that right? That's a good car. Well, in the morning I will kick myself again. Some people will think that's not a big deal, but it is to me. In a Passages CD ($78,000????) Chris said that negative feelings beget more negative neurotransmitters in the brain, and positive feelings bring more positive in the brain. So, if this is true, if I stop thinking, "Poor me, I'm a trust fund baby who is immensely creative but feels inadequate and 'stupid', then I will continue to feel so." But if I "fake it 'till I make it". Like Baron Baptiste says, then I will become successful. And more than that, If what Chris and his son Pax Prentiss says is true, that "If you are a junkie and you stop, your life will be greater than those who have never used in the first place". Is this true? One: Look at Mormons' Donny and Marie Osmond. Both have had great successes yet hardships. Marie was divorced twice. Donny seems to be doing well but has performing issues with Dancing With The Stars. I think it's the sugar too many Mormons eat in place of drugs. That's just me. But look at them, still more successful than alchie me. Then look at Robert Downey Jr.. Junkie for many years. A little successful being an actor in the 80s but not as popular as Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, Jon Crier, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, Demi Moore, or Andrew McCarthy. Gets arrested for many a drug occasion, cleans up, gets arrested again. Cleans up for good this time in the 90's and he is praised for the main role in "Chaplin". Then falls again. Then he's featured in SPIN Magazine in 2001, divorced, but clean. Then in 2002 he's arrested again. Cleans up for the last time, does some more movies and the feature character in an Elton John music video...then...VIOLA! After four years sober gets the Iron Man role. And look at him now. He also did a spectacular job in the 2007 pic "Tropic Thunder", which this American dude plays an Australian dude playing a black dude. He's been clean ever since. Look at him now. Iron Man II is in the works and he did that film about another black dude, Jaime Foxx in "The Soloist" and "Sherlock Holmes" will come out Christmas Day. This man was a huge junkie who got into a lot of legal trouble, plenty of jail time, and lost his wife. But look at him now! I only use wine and cigarettes, but a copious amount, and got two DUIs, and only served 48 hours jail time. Robert spent way more than that in jail. So can I compare myself? Can I hope if I clean up I can be as great as he?

Bon Nuit.

Smobergirl tomorrow.

Oops I did it again.

Should I feel ashamed? It's been three months and two days since I started this blog. I thought it would save my life. I said I have done everything except for rehab. I do not have the time, well I can make the time but I do not want to put my life on hold to spend 1 to 3 months in a rehab. If I did, it would probably be Passages. Actually that is something to think about. I can not go to school next semester and come out to my mother again, who does not know what to give me for Christmas, but then there is the issue who can take care of my cats for a month. Can I take them to Malibu with me to the center? That could be an adventure if I could. Then I'd have to tell my father. I think he'd understand. A month is only four weeks come or go if you think about it. I'd go In January and come back for my Mom's gourd festival in February in AZ. The station, well, I'd have to talk to them and have about four weeks off. I can have a popular Utah artist or another jock fill in for me at that time. Hmmm. That is something to think about. Thank God this isn't the corporate station I worked for. This company seems to be much more lenient and empathetic.

I will do this and just you wait, Henry Higgins.

Love,

To be Smobergirl

Uh oh...late night snack...

1/2 baked sweet potato, cut into fries, with olive oil and cayenne salt dipped in Vegenaise and Annie's Naturals BBQ Sauce. I have absolutely no regrets.

~Smobergirl

Another day smober!

That was easy because I timed out my day. Maybe that would be wise, to plan what to do each hour of every night. I went to gallery stroll at 5, and the free food wasn't going to appear at that particular gallery until 6, so I went to Sage's and had a delicious vegan shitake mushroom stir fry....and a vegan chocolate peanut butter shake. I was good and drank only 8 of the 16 ounces. Then I went to some other galleries and funky shops participating and found some good stocking stuffers. One was the Mormon Kama Sutra. Oh yes. It is new and illustrated by long-time Utah cartoonist Pat Bagley. Hysterical! Now I'm in bed with the report. Tomorrow night I plan to see the light ceremony (they are doing it a week earlier this year instead of the day after Thankgiving) then go to a friend's birthday party. This friend of mine knows about my smober goals.

Bon nuit!

~Smobergirl

Awesome Fall day!

I went in-line skating at Liberty Park today before my guitar lesson. It was fantastic. I have to work out to get my endorphins up as well as to stay fit. I picked up some nice pine cones on the skate. Now I'm having a veggie sandwich at Nostalgia Cafe on 1st. Then I will study prenatal nutrition for my class, take a shower, and hit gallery stroll!

Unfortunately it's also waste my money week. LOL. I spent a bit for Christmas presents yesterday due to distract a crave, then I spent that exact amount that night on a traffic ticket! Noooooooo. I turned left at a construction zone with a no left turn sign. Bugger. Then today I got sucked in to internet shopping. The holiday deals are frickin' dangerous! Then I find on Facebook that one of my holistic therapists has come out with the book, "Veganism For Dummies". Do I need it? No. But I want it. You know, I know my vegan facts pretty well. I think I'll just go to the B&N and thumb through it. I've done enough damage for two days. I have saved about $60 to $90 in the last week on evil vices. LAWL I have spent more, but everyone has their rules. I can afford it now, and one shopping spree was due to a crave; and I don't shop EVERY time I am craving. So maybe I'm being bad. I'm not smoking or drinking, and I am allowing myself to go crazy for a while. But I can't keep relapsing or I will keep going crazy!!

Okay sammich was awesome. Time for a quick study, a hot shower, and Gallery stroll! I'll just have free dinner tonight at the galleries. Muahahah.

~Smobergirl

day eight

It's going to be a good one. Got my small iced coffee in hand after drinking 12 ounces of water. It's warmer than usual and the sun is out. I haven't been to Koko's in years so I'm going there for lunch. It's a healthy Japanese joint. KRCL is playing jammin' tunes today. I have a guitar lesson at 2. Then Gallery Stroll is tonight. That's every Friday evening of each month. Galleries in Salt Lake feature new art, and sometimes free nibbles and live music. I always go and have a blast. Have a great Friday!

Like Ganesh, I can break through all obstacles.

Smobergirl

Good morning! One week smober today! Let's see if I can make it to two. I took my Passages calming supplements this morning, followed by a handful of pomegranite seeds, a banana, iced coffee, and about 30 white cheddar bunnies from Annie's Naturals. I know, it's processed flour and dairy, oy.i had a fierce salt craving. I need to get more oatmeal so I can have that handy. For my online class there are four more chapters and a final exam in a month!

I'm going to start putting time aside to meditate once a day. I'm still thinking about acupuncture, but I am already doing self-acupressure, which is vary relaxing.

The sun is out on this brisk day. Enjoy it!

I made it another day smober. I went to a concert tonight at a theater usually reserved for operas and musicals. It was Puscifer, Maynard Keenan of Tool's new side project. It's a funnier yet still political side of Keenan. It was pretty naughty but I laughed and had a great time!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day six!

Good morning! I woke up at 7:30 and I'm at Oasis having a mint ginger tea, and a tofu veggie scramble with roasted red bell pepper sauce. Superb. I'm a little phlegmy and coughing a bit, but my energy is high. I am ready to tackle my assignment. I got some Boiron holistic tablets in lobelia and nux vomica. The first staves off craves and the second helps post nausea. I like them a lot. My friend had to stop smoking for a month because of surgery, and she swore by them. The Passages supplements? Well, I am not feeling any different, but they are packed with body-healing vitamins. They better work, they were expensive. ;)

Hello. :)

The dancers were terrific. I went to see a group called Pilobulous. They are this crazy modern dance group founded in 1971, the year I was born! It was good arty farty fun.

Then after the show I drove in front of my place and bawled my eyes out again for no reason. Then I got a burrito, ate 1/2 of it, and now I'm in bed with my hot water bottle, as prescribed by my former holistic therapist. I had a crave before and kinda after the show, but they were both pretty weak. That reminded me of my breaking fast-food habit. I'd think about egg mcmuffins but then I chose not to go there. I couldn't go there anymore after watching Supersize Me. Now where's the alcohol and cig documentary Sundance film? After three months I just didn't think about fast food chains anymore. I don't think Beto's plain bean burritos count because that's just beans, salt, and tortilla. If anyone finds out they use lard or MSG, please let me know. Besides, I plan to break that habit as well.

So I'm just going to play around on my computer or read "Medititaions From The Mat" by Rolf Gates until I fall asleep. I have my web article up that I'm going to write my final nutrition assignment on. Being older really does make a difference. This class has been so fun and a cinch.

Good night my friends,

Smobergirl

Day 5

Sorry for the type-os and split message, for I will fix them when I can get on my computer. It's nice to text posts from my phone though. I feel better. What an emotional day though. I felt like just doing nothing all day. I did work out with Gilad however. I'm also stoked for this modern dance show. I took modern and jazz as a kid so I love all kinds of artsy fartsy dancing.

I haven't gotten anything done! Stuff came out and I spent the last two hours crying on the sofa watching a taped Dancing With The Stars. Now I'm out for a walk getting some air and vitamin D. Even though my parents were profectionists which made me one in fear, maybe I should just chill and take care of myself. My easy as pie assignment isn't due until tomorrow night. I will only submit my painting if I can get a good percentage out of the sale. What else? Oh for sure I will do a fun FitTV workout today. That is medicine. I just feel guilty all the time being a bum, but if I got a 9-5 senseless job I'd be more unhappy. I am very, very fortunate to afford the time to put myself together. I need to see this a truly a blessing and not worry what others will think of me. Some may make fun of me out of jealousy. And if not they have too much time on their hands. I watched Kelly Osbourne on Dancing...and in this show she explains that she turned to drugs after the Osbourne's reality show started and she heard radio DJs making hateful comments about her. It seems most of us addicts start using when we don't feel adequate enough. Do I need to tell you that? Well I'm off to be frivolent and get my free boxers. Then maybe I'll finish my painting.

I am feeling jittery from the coffee. I feel better when I have it in the afternoon, so I think it's time for another experiment. Tea or smoothies in the morning, and a 12 oz iced coffee in the afternoon. If that amount gives me anxiety then I'll quit coffee. I had a great morning, got a couple of plants and an Italian sandwich and salad which I will eat at home. Gotta finish painting, nutrition assignment, get free boxers at Lucky Brand, practice guitar, work out, and go to a modern dance show tonight!

Tired this morning and phlegmy. When my French friends stayed at my dad's we were all over there one night and started looking at our toe patterns. (don't ask), my dad's and my second toe is longer than our big toe. He said that means we are psychotic. That explains it. ;) I listened to another Passages CD last night and found it to be extremely helpful. It talks about most addictions but this CD had a bunch of wine examples. That was great for me. The speaker also talked about cigarettes and caffeine as (bad) substitutes for the harsher stuff. However, he still drinks coffee occasionally. This is the boy who started Passages with his father because of his (the boy) addiction to heroin. I finally went to sleep at 1 so maybe that's why I'm a bit tired. Breakfast: iced coffee, tofu scramble and new potatoes with fresh salsa. Passages herbal supplements.

Still feeling light...

...joyful and hopeful. I didn't say earlier that I had a craving last night, and it SUCKED, but I waited two hours and it went away, and it's like a breath of fresh air. I am excited for this transformation, which I am hoping my life will change and I'll become definitely a better person with a clearer head. I know for sure the anxieties will go away at least.

I ate very well today. I ate meat, but little dairy. I had a lamb stew which came with mashers from Tin Angel, so there was probably milk and maybe butter in the mash. However one thing at a time remember? And I have cut down the dairy, pasta, and bread significantly. Then for dinner I had miso soup and a Baja roll at Happy Sumo. That's tuna, avocado, chopped jalepenos, and a dollop of sriracha. Beware of 'spicy tuna'. That usually means MAYONAISE. So just ask for plain tuna and sriracha hot sauce.

Water: 2.5 liters. Iced coffee: 18 oz.

I interviewed a local musician on my show today who's band played for free tonight at a record store. The people who showed up are the people I like: lovers of music. Plus those indie-music loving men are usually very cute. I ran into several friends and had a great time. It was a moment of joy.

Good night my friends!

Smobergirl

Day quatro!

Poop.

I've been meaning to do the 'potty' talk' since September, but I kept forgetting. Those uncomfortable with the toilet subject don't have to read on. And I know I'm sick for talking about this after talking about my lunch. Sorry.

Since I started this blog eating much more fiber and less processed foods, I've been regular! Every morning I go #2, which is a sign of health. Then I usually poop again about 5 pm. Don't you love this talk? Do not take your digestive system lightly. Being constipated can make you grumpy and uncomfortable. You need to keep things moving along to truly be healthy and happy. Watch that you don't overload on fruit or you may get the opposite effect, but other than that great insoluble fiber (The fiber that doesn't get digested, but scrubs your system and pushes things along) options are celery, sugar snap peas, carrots, broccoli, whole grains (I love the quinoa), seeds, and leafy greens.

Even though I am not completely detoxed YET, my digestive system is doing great.

Keep pooping,

Smobergirl

Feeling light.

This no or hardly dairy and bread diet really works. I actually feel lighter. I lost another pound, and I expect to lose more and I feel more flexible and easy. Okay the yoga and pilates help a great deal too. I am making sure I have some citrus every day to cheer up my mood. It works! Another visual mood-enhancer are these edible flowers found in the grocery store. I have cucumber slices sprinkled with cayenne sea salt (you make your own) which is a good substitute for chips! I have another portobello 'steak' there with the rest of the mushroom gravy I made a few days ago. The salad has baby red leaf lettuce, arugula, and watercress. I added olives, broccolini, hemp and flax seeds (I love the texture of hemp seeds), sea salt, pomegranate seeds, and balsamic vinegar. The long orange thing...a carrot. Fabulous!

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Has this happened to you?

You are going about your day and everything is normal, then the hormone flood gates open and you have this rush of crazy emotions. Is that a chemical imbalance, "stuff coming out", PMS maybe? LOL. Well I think that's my testimony what the holistic therapist's have told me unless there is another scientific reason. I think emotional detox definitely comes with the quit. I'm okay now. That one only lasted five minutes. Either that or I'm in denial and I am truly psycotic. ;) Going to Sage's now for Ian's favorite breakfast. Maybe I can put my experimental pesto in it.

Getting back to health.

It's not your typical day 3. I feel pretty good for the most part. I walked 15 minutes on the treadmill and 45 doing pilates, yoga, and ballet exercises with weights and a resistance band. I highly recommend getting a resistance band. It's an inexpensive, go-anywhere, effective piece of equipment. Of course I had to dust mine off (ahem), but I'm sure to use it regularly now. For breakfast I had an iced coffee (that led to some irritation, but I didn't feel terrible); then a smoothie of Amazing Meal Chocolate Infusion, 5 almonds, a satsuma orange, 1/4 cup grapefruit juice, and frozen strawberries. I read somewhere online to make coconut water ice cubes and put them in your water, with a squeeze of lemon. I have boxed coconut water, O.N.E., in the health food store's beverage section. I've tried cracking coconuts open, but this is so much easier. You just, um, pop open a plastic top. Some argue that the most nutrient potential is in the real fruit, but I don't see anything bad in the boxed stuff. I made ice cubes out of the coconut water last night, and they are so good in water! Try it. Maybe try them in fruit juices. (I heard the person who thought 'vodka'! Watch it :) For lunch I had quinoa hot poured over raw chopped garlic, chopped basil, EVOO, red pepper flakes, and 5 kalamata olives. YUMM-Y! I took my Passages supplements (www.passagesmalibu.com) and a St. John's Wort.

Stuff to do today:

Guitar

Finish last nutrition assignment

Finish or be close to finishing owl painting

So I am going to attempt to make Bobby Flay's chipotle pesto. I happen to have dried chipotles and dried hot chiles in my pantry, basil and pine nuts. I say attempt because after soaking his peppers in water for 30 minutes, his came out really soft. It's been an hour and they mine are still hard. LOL we'll see.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Lot's of fun pictures today.

Snow day!! I had a tofu scramble and red potatoes at Carlucci's this morning, and went to a movie this afternoon, but I was in the rest of the time. I walked for 15 minutes on the treadmill and did 20 min with Gilad. Then I had zucchini 'noodles' with raw marinara, 3 cold naked cooked shrimp with Annie's Natural's BBQ sauce, and sweet potato baked fries for lunch. I took a hot bath. Then I saw the new animated "A Christmas Carol". If you see it make sure you go to the 3D show. I jumped three or four times. Then I had sliced filet mignon, an iceberg wedge with a tomato slice and red onion naked, and 1/2 of a fat onion ring. Then 15 more minutes on the treadmill, and a 10-minute resistance band workout. Water: 3 liters. Iced coffee: 24 oz. Passages supplements and 2 St. John's wart capsules.

Storms make me happy. I hope the rest of you Utahns enjoyed it as well.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Focus.

What do I really want? What do I need to do to be my best self? It is vital that I stop binge drinking. Without it, I am one of the nicest people I know, I am forgiving, peaceful, happy, silly, intelligent, creative, and passionate. Under the influence I am negatively passionate, feel like the world owes me one, send nasty emails, texts, blogs, etc.

I have to start taking this seriously, and no more excuses. There is no such thing as just one glass or three. Or I'll think I won't get out of control then I get into crazy drunk mode and want to tell someone off, or black out and do something stupid.

Now, my friends are shocked by this, because it's my personality turned around a 180. Most of them said I didn't seem like a smoker to them also. I'm this happy health-conscience, caring, driven, creative being by day, and Ms. Hyde by night. Is there a reason for it that I need to figure out, or do I do it just to feel good? Jebus, I should have done this on post #1. I think lonliness is a big issue for me. But if I make goals to transform myself, plus be more social, I am more than likely to find new friends and a potential love interest. I need to take that seriously as well. I can get the free entertainment papers and find social events. I already subscribed to a singles thing with the symphony, but there are 5 for the year and quite spread out. However, the first one was a fabulous time.

I actually have achieved a lot since starting this blog:

1. I lost a few pounds and I'm getting compliments on my skin from eating less dairy, breads, and no or occasional fried foods; and of course drinking and smoking less.

2. I no longer think I'm an idiot. In fact I am perfectly normal and even pretty awesome.

3. I'm back to being creative in the kitchen and being selective where I eat out.

4. I am keeping my living space clean and a safe haven.

5. I am back to doing spa activities at home. Saving money yet taking care of myself.

6. Drinking more tea and less coffee.

That's not too shabby. Things to work on:

1. Not feeling so damn lonely.

2. Not feeling like a victim.

3. More exercise

4. Work on more 'feel good' (healthy) foods. That was the main experiment goal to feel better.

5. Do not put toxins or bad food into my body that make me feel sad, heavy, or nervous.

I started last week walking the treadmill 30 minutes a day, either at once or 15 minutes twice a day. Then I add Gilad, the Bowflex, or yoga on top of that. I also started drinking a scoop of green powder a day. It doesn't taste horrible if I add lemon to it, and I just feel better when I drink it. Greens Plus is a good brand, but currently I am using Whole Foods greens blend, Garden Greens Berry Splash (tastes fruity and not grassy), and Amazing Meal Chocolate Infusion (I like to put that in my smoothies). I discovered green powder at that yoga bootcamp three years ago, and Baron would have us chant, "Grass grass up the ass!". You had to have been there.

So as the Skinny Bitches say (www.skinnybitch.net), I need to stop being a 'pussy' (that's what they said!) and just start taking care of myself. So there you go. Focus, eat well to boost my mood, eliminate toxins, exercise, make goals, stop being a pussy. :)

Love,

Smobergirl

Day two

I'm still alive.

The sadness is disappearing. I'm listening to another Passages CD. The owner is talking about the I Ching. I didn't mention that I saw an ad on a bus today that said "Stay Sober". Really. It's funny what jumps out at you. I'm a believer in synchronicity. So there is my crazy lunch I had from Sage's, a Guac N' Roll without the bun, because I knew there would be a huge, fatty dinner tonight. There's the satsuma. So delicious. I was right, my French friends made scalloped potatoes with milk and cream, a fabulous bean salad (beans, scallions, cider vinegar, and olive oil), and another duck. Step-mom made mac and cheese which I had three bites of. Delicious, but I am getting more serious about not eating dairy period in the near future. And bread made in a new maker my French friends got for my dad and step-mom. Then we watched The Queen, a charming movie. Then I got an iced coffee because I'm crazy and had a craving for it. I am going to focus on the CD now and attempt to sleep.

Namaste and thanks for staying with me. The smober journey must start now.

~Smobergirl

Day one on Friday the 13th.

Bad karma has found me. If I did not drink a particular night I wouldn't have made a mess. It bit me in the bum today. I am at my father's and my stomach is sinking. I am actually in my car to let it all out, and I have to go back in soon. Sometimes you need to hit the bottom to stop a bad habit. It's not the very bottom, but I have upset someone. That to me is bad enough. The last thing I want is to be obnoxious and hurt others, and that only happens when I get blotto. I am sad enough already and I don't need to make my life worse by doing meaningless negative talk. Thanks. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

Namaste.

Spirits are up!

Guitar lesson rocked. That is really good therapy. When I crave I should just take Rico out for a spin. Arpeggios and scales are mesmerizing. He sounds so hot you don't even know it. :)

My car smelled delicious by leaving an opened satsuma in it. Whole Foods has them right now with the stems still on them. Natural mood enhancer!

My tea tastes like olives but I like it. I got it at Cafe Noir on 200 S. and...where am I...1000 E.?

I love Fall. The sun still warms up your car and I like kicking the golden and fuscia leaves.

I just bought the new Joshua James album Build Me This. It's perfect on this quiet Autumn afternoon.

I am feeling more hopeful now, and dinner with the French will be teriffic.

~Smobergirl
I don't need substances to get me high.

Okay the Moby mug is back in my lap.

I just got a call from my father and I'm going up to his house this afternoon to eat "French style" with my friends. Those wacky Europeans like to have dinner very early. Maybe that's why they are so thin. My spirits are instantly lifted from the phone call. The family does not know of my current dependance on wine and fancy cigs. I did approach them in 2002, and my mother said no, I don't have a problem, and my father said get a job that requires me to get up at 7 am. Neither parent has checked up on me about it since. My brother just never got back to me on the subject. I asked a good friend if she had the time to call me every day to remind me to stay clean and she said she'd love to, but never did. But I told you a few weeks ago that another buddy did call out of the kindness of her heart to check up on me. It was only once and only she has done that out of all of my friends, but I loved every minute of that phone call! Okay the seeds are back in the kitchen. You have to make these. They are good in protein, magnesium, and zinc, and low in cholesterol. If you put salt on them of course I recommend sea salt. I made this pitcher of hibiscus tea. It also has roiboos and rose hips in it. "Fruity tea". It tastes like Red Zinger.

Okay it's off to the showers for me. Have a wonderful afternoon!

~Smobergirl

Day one.

I chose to delete that last drunken post. Actually that was my first drunken post! Some of my heroes have the mantra "Let it go". That's a pretty good one. I can be quite the drama queen and it's not my past employer's faults that I didn't become a full-time DJ superstar. Even as a part-timer I did pretty well for myself! There was just no money in it. Actually, it is very true what they say about radio, especially nowadays. You just either do it for the fame and glory and/or for the love of it.

I have some quinoa cooking, and an iced coffee here. Hey I made some fabulous roasted pumpkin seeds yesterday. Quinoa's done and I just put in some sauteed mushrooms, shitakes and chantarelles. Pumpkin seeds were not enough to stave away the craves unfortunately, but they turned out great!

Scoop out seeds from a pumpkin and clean off the goo in a bowl of water. Pat dry seeds on paper towels. Place them on a metal or glass baking sheet (use parchment paper if you want on a metal sheet to prevent burning). Drizzle with olive oil and go to town with whatever spice you like! You can even use soy sauce. I used sea salt, curry powder, and that dang UFO Dust.

Set oven to 350 and bake for 15 minutes. stir around seeds and keep baking for 5 minutes at a time until crispy to your liking. I baked mine for about 30. Eat a handful and don't keep the mug of seeds by you like I'm doing or else you will empty it in no time. Okay my Moby mug is back in the kitchen. www.teany.com.

I don't know what got into me, and the craves started at 3 pm! This is a story of karma gone bad. I get my vices at 4 pm, can you believe it. Well, some people drink in the morning too. By 6 I get a voicemail from my dad. Apparently he called right at four and I didn't hear the phone. Our French friends are still in town until Sunday, and I was invited to a lasagna dinner. Bugger! Why didn't I catch that call??? Fudge fudge fudge fudge. That would have saved me. Well, the truth is I won't get phone calls every day, and I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Isn't there a supplement you can take that when you drink it makes you throw up? I have to google that. Also, I'm going to make that list of 20 other options a day, maybe ten. Ten at least. Because recently I've only made 1-3 options, like a movie (oh I don't know if it's any good), food (I'm not hungry), and a show (oh it's not until 10 pm). Bugger. Okay today I might get weepy, but I did learn a valuable lesson: Wait it out and you might be invited to a lasagna dinner, or something like that.

Smobergirl

Cat's in the bag!

A new addiction.

I made more jewel yam oven fries today and I just eat too many! But along with another baby red leaf salad and a long skinny carrot, that's all I had for lunch. I had more fries than on that plate there. You bake slices mixed with olive oil and sea salt (I also like to add UFO dust and chopped rosemary) in a 400 degree oven for 30 minutes. So how bad can they be? But oof they sure are filling! On the top is the tofu scramble and red potato dish I had for breakfast from Carlucci's. Since my Hot Luck party I am now hooked on frozen cooked shrimp. So I have a bag of those thawing in the fridge for a snack or early dinner. 12 have 90 calories, and they are packed with iron, zinc, vitamin B12, protein, phosphorous and niacin. They are low in fat and the oils in shrimp are good for your heart. There is a cholesterol debate, however, for shrimp both raises LDL (bad) and HDL (good) cholesterol. I believe this food in moderation is good for your body overall. Well I'm off to practice guitar and work on my last nutrition assignment. Enjoy the storm coming in!

~Smobergirl

Smobriety gives me a better sence of well being.

Well, I don't have to tell you that. Anxiety, guilt, fear, dehydration, smelling bad, and overall bad juju is not worth the 3-5 hour cheap thrill. I hope to God I've seen the lght this time. :)

Breakfast is tofu scramble and red potatoes with iced coffee at Carlucci's.

Snugglies.

Oh yeah, I spoil myself when the going gets tough. Laughter is great medicine, and so is comfort. I found this knit cap at Whole Foods for $15. They have all kinds of animals and the ear-flap style too. The faux-fur blankie from Z Gallerie matches my new Marimekko duvet. And it's soooooooo sooooooft! I made sweet potato oven fries; and quinoa with avocado slices and Trader Joe's Thai peanut sauce for dinner. I also made more spa-water. Cucumber and lemon slices this time.

Day 1 on 11/11

~Smobergirl

Smiling.

I am not going to get all weepy on you. I WAS, but I decided to spare you of that. :) Instead let me tell you about my amazing lunch!! It's raw, cleansing, and super-delicious. I added oregano to an Ani Phyo recipe. It's a marinated portabello mushroom with mushroom gravy sprinkled with oregano leaves. http://www.aniphyo.com

Then I made a baby red leaf salad with English cucumber, flax and hemp seeds, parsley, avocado, balsamic vinegar, and cracked sea salt.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Starting over.
Day one.

Two weeks! Feeling great and energetic. Eating a lot more fruit has really kept my spirits up as well as given me more energy.

Good morning!

OMG I'm almost to 200 posts! Woo. I'm a talker. So, I made a great berry shake this morning (fresh blackberries; and frozen acai, strawberries, and blueberries with a splash of water) before I hit the treadmill for 30 minutes, lifted on the Bowflex, and did 20 minutes of yoga. Lunch is five enormous red grapes from Costco and Trader Joe's black bean soup which I added 1/2 avocado, 1/4 diced red onion, and UFO Dust. UFO Dust is nuttin but habanero powder.

Those Fall leaves were blowing around my guitar teacher's home. A video would have been cooler. ;)

Smobergirl

Day 13!

Still up.

Can't sleep. I'll tell you my silly 5th grade story. :)

I told y'all before that I had a hard time with school. Apparently my parents said I was a literal genius baby. I read the newspaper when I was two which I don't remember. Then my mother told me when I was six my dad had my dentist put me on 'laughing gas' which she opposed to, and I don't remember that either, and "everything went downhill from there." Nice motherly talk, eh? I had to stay numerous times after school in the first grade studying, and crying, in the classroom. In the fourth grade I couldn't engage in several extra-curricular activities but stay in class by myself and study. Fifth grade comes along and the class was sent to the library to pick a book out to do a book report. That's when I stumbled on a children's book of plays. Karma? Maybe. I asked the teach if I could direct and star in a play instead. That's when I started a crazy trend that made me popular for about six months. The play was Pippi Longstocking. It went so well that we performed it for the first graders. Then everyone wanted to do a play! So that was my acting debut and that year I also found Devo's "New Traditionalists" album on vinyl. A buddy of mine and I were in jazz classes together out of school, and instructed aerobics routines at our school gym to "We're Through Being Cool" and "Whip It". The next grade I discovered that cool radio station I mentioned earlier. When I was 14, I had a birthday party where I wanted to film my first home-made music video on the family camcorder to Art Of Noise's "Close To The Edit". And funny how their album cover has drama masks. My best friend at the time and I had fabulous ideas, but we didn't realize all the takes we had to make (I wanted them perfect) and an hour later on the first scene my mom just said, "Who wants to go to Lagoon?". Lagoon is a local theme park. I went on to Theater School For Youth, a Summer camp at the U for four years, and attended regionals and state drama meets in high school. Then I was a theater major in college, and dropped out before I graduated because I got a full-time overnight job at the radio station. However, thinking all these years that I was 'stupid' because of my grades and nerdyness, I hardly was a dumbass. And I still don't like to read the newspaper. :)

~Smobergirl

Near death experience.

Holy crap. What's going on now? So, I don't remember if I told you that I give blood every 56 days at ARUP. I have been doing this on and off since 1996, and steady for three years. And I have not had one single problem, until today! Immediately after I donated my pint I got dizzy. So I grabbed a bottled water and sat down. Then I got even dizzier. I broke out into a sweat and the room started spinning. Then that stopped, but I was still a little fuzzy. The phlebotomist suddenly appeared and had me lay down again in the donating chair. She put ice packs on me, then said all the color came out of my face. Five minutes later I started to feel the coldness of the packs, and I was back to 'normal' another five minutes later. I still feel a little dizzy, but I am on my butt at home now and I'm going to attempt a bath. I hope the heat isn't bad for me. I am trying to figure this out. I ate before. Could be the new supplements? The quit and the rush of oxygen to my poor brain? The altitude of Park City? Is there e-coli in the spinach? Argh!

Nice knowing you,

Smobergirl

Speaking of my brain fighting with itself...

...sometimes I feel like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrjHKMJTh1w&feature=related

Park City is a neat place to drive up to on Sundays. I went to World Market and got more Lauretana water. I'm also drinking kombucha again found at Whole Foods. The latter is a fermented tea healthful for the immune system. So I can't figure out if these Passages supplements are helping me stay clean or if I'm mentally starting to get it. My brain sure fights with itself at night still, but the angel on my shoulder usually wind the fight against the little devil on the other shoulder. Then after a while I find an alternative. Home made air-popped popcorn seems to be a popular one nowadays. I had fruit and an egg, miso, and pesto pita for breakfast. My appetite is back in the mornings. Then I got a spinach, almond, strawberry, and feta salad for lunch. When I get home it's Gilad and the treadmill.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day 12! But feeling dehydrated and tired. However I'm still excited and happy I've been smober this long.

Falling into place.

I told ya I'd make it to day 11! Man that show saved my life. It made me think if the guys in They Might Be Giants are clean or religious. They are science nerds, have several children's albums, and were the pre-cursor to Barenaked Ladies geek rock. That doesn't mean anything, but I just thought about it. And it looks like the geek shall inherit. I mean that duo is doing extraordinary.

I love the Passages CDs so far. I took my supplements today, which have Chinese herbs and neurotransmitter stimulants in them. I don't feel much different. I am happier but that could be from different stuff. *shrug*. I obviously have the same lonely night feelings sometimes though, but if I wait it out they eventually go away. I am so so happy that I didn't give in last night, this happens everytime I stay sober, is the morning reward! The reward is in the morning. That's my new mantra.

~Smobergirl

Waiting it out.

I am so relieved that I bought my TMBG ticket hours before their show tonight, because I had a crazy craving at 7:30. My mom and I had diner at 6 and she was going to come with me. Then she got pretty tipsy and just walked back to the hotel. I wanted to make her come but I knew she wouldn't last. I had a friend meet me there, and that helped my craves also. The show was incredible. This is my third time seeing They Might Be Giants. They are so much fun. I still have a crush on Linnell after 20 years. Then the crave left when the show ended, but came and went due to musical distractions during the show. I went home, made popcorn and a glass of water. Now I am in bed.

Along with the supplements from Passages, I also ordered a DVD of several group sessions recorded at the rehab center. So I am going to listen to part of that now.

Namaste,

~Smobergirl

Hey. You try to take a clear picture of yourself on the iPhone while walking on the treadmill. So, there's the cover of Trudie Styler's first yoga DVD. She does it with this hot Indian professional dancer. It was fun, and the 50 minutes seemed to fly by.
So, I made a delicious raw dish for lunch. Zucchini 'noodles' (the spiral slicer is such an awesome tool) with raw marinara from the Rawvolution book, black Moroccan olives, crimini mushrooms, and avocado. Then I did my mini-spa thing: Skin brushing, hot towel rubbing, avocado mask, took a shower...and I just got that achy/sore feeling all over my body that made me want to kick my legs and stretch. Do you know what I am talking about? I still cough a little. But my phlegm-episodes seem to be gone. I really like being smober, especially morning through the afternoon. It's the evenings that get me. Well, I'll be occupied with my mom tonight.

Well it's off to guitar lessons. TTYL and try a raw recipe sometime. You just may like it.

~Smobergirl

I'm on the treadmill now. I walk 20 minutes every day. I just got the new yoga DVD from Trudy Styler (Sting's wife). So after my walk I'll put that in. Feeling sluggish after healthier, home made burrito at Marmalade. But I didn't sleep well in Idaho so I don't know why I feel sleepy. Working on a 16 oz bottle of water now. I also got herbal supplements from Passages. I've been taking those for three days now. After yoga I will do some holistic spa-at-home stuff, guitar lesson at 2, then meeting my mom for dinner at 6. I think exercise should be mandatory for a quit because it raises your endorphines and more people who exercise are less likely to abuse substances. Well I guess there is the steroid exception, but you know what I'm talking about.

I'm on the treadmill now. I walk 20 minutes every day. I just got the new yoga DVD from Trudy Styler (

Good morning day 10!

Well, my eyes were only wired shut for about ten minutes when I woke up, but there is no visible puffiness. Hooray! I'm at my favorite new coffee shop Cafe Marmalade, where the people here are so sweet and generous. There is a lot of love, fun, and care at this place. They have good food and a big library. And this is where I got that fantastic blood orange tea. I wonder where I can find that in bulk? Breakfast is ready. An egg, pesto, and spicy hummus burrito (more burrito madness) and an iced coffee.

A miracle and an exception.

That's how it goes, you think you're cured then the next minute you are daydreaming about Prodigal Son Petit Shiraz. My mom is a wino, too, and is in town, so when she has a good time on the vino I really have to resist. So we got back from the trip at 5, had dinner and went shopping at six, I had my test, which I plowed through *pat pat* at 9 pm, and then had a fierce craving. So, I allowed myself....one huge bean burrito from Betos. I banned these because I look like a blowfish in the morning. Do you know the salt content of those things? And you know I think table salt is the eighth deadly sin. But boy was it good. And I didn't drink or smoke! Plus it could be worse. I didn't add cheese or anything else greasy. Plus my alcohol bloat is going down again. If I downed 500-600 calories of vino a night, I think a 350-ish cal burrito is much better. However, I am drinking a glass of water to dilute the salt. And sodium happened to be in my test tonight. I really dig this class, and it's almost over. I can't wait to take biology (really) and learn more about nutrition next semester. :)

I must crash now. I had a long-stinking day!

Day 9

~Smobegirl

I still here, eight days of smobriety! I'm in Idaho for my grandmother's 90th birthday. I like Boise. Cool little town. My energy is back and I'm getting my yoga moves better as well. My father turned 80 yesterday and his best friend and wife from France came over for a dinner party. It was so pleasant! We had escargot, duck, turkey, stuffing, cranberries, cheese, and yams. It was like a weird Thanksgiving. Oh and everyone two-fisted champagne and red wind except for me. I was fine for about and hour then started to get jealous a bit. But after dinner a few people started getting overly emotional and then I was glad I'm trying to acheive this mission.

This may sound vein but I really want to focus on the weight loss part of the quit. I am dead serious now about recoding my weight every month and see if the wine had any effect weight-wise.

Well I'll be back, it's party time!

Smobergirl

Day six. Almost a week again! I will be occupied with family from Tuesday through Saturday so I won't worry about temptations and I can sail into day 11! Last night's rant was quite explicit, but it did put a pretty good dent in my life. However, it was a huge lesson and I matured from it. When I came back in radio Summer 2004, I had about 200% more confidence and made a name for myself. I felt rewarded and I continue to feel successful. Lunch today: Going to the vegan cafe for tacos. Then I have my show this afternoon.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

An inspirational quote, and this is one long-ass blog!

"In my dreams, I was Rita Hayworth, Kim Basinger. I just wanted to be that long, tall drink of water with flowing blond hair and large blue eyes and cheekbones you could actually see - you know, be that. And I wasn't, so I hated myself. I'd beat myself up, tear myself to shreds. Now I've made peace with it. I don't mind it at all; I'd rather be who I am. It's comfortable. It's me. I got weary of putting so much energy into hating myself." ~Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson.

This kinda sounds like me. It's inspiring on several accounts. One, duh, it's the voice-over actress of Lisa Simpson saying that! However, it's also being an actress and radio jock; plus the fact that the acting director of the first University I went to said I'd only make it if I stuck to character acting. That meant no Kim Basinger or Cinderella for me neither, but I took it as a big compliment. Me, funny, who knew? And I entertained many with my comedic monologues, and acting at a big melodrama theater in Salt Lake City. I wanted so badly to make that big cartoon and do more radio commercials doing character work, but I dunno if that's a long shot, not being lucky, or if it's Utah. I think I'm pretty talented. I did some imdb.com detective work and so far Yeardley and Julie Knavier (Marge) worked together before the hit series, and Nancy Cartwright (Bart) was friends in the 70s with the actor who did the voice of Yogi Bear. Connections. Funny, I got into radio knowing a DJ. But we love all the voices in The Simpsons, and I have my fans, and I know I have a good voice and the talent. However, I am no Lisa Simpson now. I'm still a girl living in Utah with hopes and dreams becoming the next voice-over star.

Warning: Rant time, and maybe this is one of the reasons for my bingeing. After I scored a Saturday free (no pay) gig at the station my colleague worked for, I started sending out airchecks to other radio stations. This was 1992, the year a new station started developed by former members of the station I was at in Ogden. After sending out resumes to ten Utah stations, I received back two phone calls. One from the nicest girl PD in radio at a top 40 station, and one from the man who started alternative music radio in this state in 1983, and who started that new station in 1992. I was a huge fan of this 80s station and it got me hooked on all kinds of cool music. Duran Duran, Talking Heads, Katrina and the Waves, Soft Cell, The Cure, U2. As a kid I first wanted to be a ballerina, then an astronaut, then a director (that story in a later post), and for one year when I was 12 and a fan of this New Waver station: a DJ. I'd call in and make requests all the time. I participated in all of their contests, had my mom take me to their remotes. Sometimes I'd "prank call' them with character voices I'd make, and of course get hung up on. LOL. So in 1992, I made the choice to work for the man who started this great station in the 80s, and boy was I on cloud nine! I started working Monday mornings from 2-6 am. For a radio newbie at 21 working for the most popular station in the state, it was a dream. The magic ended a month later for several reasons, but I stayed nonetheless for six years. After happily, yet being nervous on the air for a month, my new "awesome guy" boss told me two different things. One was a bit disturbing at first and then, as a naive 21 yr. old, was so excited! "I find you attractive." Now, I have really good instincts, and if I follow them I'm golden, and if I don't I can get into serious trouble. Now you may think I'm getting weird, but personally, I am a sole believer in instincts, and I hope you can also follow my philosophy. I don't know if there is a God, but I do believe in the power of the mind, and warnings that can happen in your body can be a 'godsend'. So here we are, the two of us after-hours at the station after he DJed at the club next door, and I absolutely did not follow my instincts. I was always a dancer. My mom threw me into ballet at 4 and I got hooked on modern dancing at age 8. When my parents got divorced when I was 15, I discovered the clubs. Not to drink, but to dance to all the cool bands that old station got me hooked on in the 80s. So that night in February 1993 I danced away to his playing The Cure, Depeche Mode, what have you; in jeans, a silk purple jacket, and a purple bra. Not meaning at all to turn the boss on, mind you, I just loved to dress up and dance! But I didn't know the consequences of my actions, apparently. I just got out of the Mormon church, but I was not rebellious at all and honestly quite scared of the swearing and the macho-ness of this station. "I find you attractive" he said. LOL I feel like I'm writing a trashy novel. So I will try to make this quick. Being a naive young girl, I thought he wanted to be my serious boyfriend. Not so much. I was conned into an affair, which the other staff believed I was only hired for that reason. What if I actually got the balls to turn him down, but no, I stayed and played his game and that led to the other on-air jocks to think I was 'stupid' and wrote things on the staff chalkboard like, "What does everyone want for Christmas? Well I know Smobergirl wants a new vocabulary." After the on-air staff ridiculed me behind my back, the affair was over and my boss then told me things like, "If you were hired by another station, I wouldn't be hurt." but he never fired me. Perhaps he legally couldn't? Or maybe he was afraid of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Who knows. I eventually left because my hours were cut and I wasn't moving up, but I felt that I was put way down. I felt like I was on the bottom of the totem pole for six years. So I need to make my point about that station. I felt I 'sucked' as a DJ, but I received high praise for my commercials. They were thoughtfully planned, I put in the right music, I produced everything myself, and usually I put character voices into them. The owner loved them, and that's the only time I got praise from the other staff members. This is what I was good at, commercials, and not introducing a song or the weather. On another note, it wasn't me wanting to be Kim Bassinger, but like the full-time female who had an English major, the intelligent one. I wanted to be the witty, tough girl when I felt that I was the bimbo of the station. Then after a five-year hiatus this boss was fired and I applied again to the new boss who was the previous afternoon or evening jock at the station. I took over the local band show in 2005, and suddenly the local papers and local TV stations noticed my talent for exposing the bands who should be exposed in Utah. I made the show fun and upbeat, and I didn't feel "stupid" anymore. I was totally rocking it! I received numerous awards from them, yet my owners said nothing. My show was on Sunday nights when only two commercials were played per hour. After I took over the show, it elevated to four, then six, then eight commercials an hour! Then my show had sponsors! I was still making $10 an hour at this time, and I was petrified to ask for a raise because my company was making serious cut-backs and firing staff left and right. Then my hours were cut for corporate reasons this time last May, and I was just fed up by the lack of recognition and support, so I left, again.

It's late, and I better crash. Happy November and thanks for letting me rant!

~Smobergirl

Happy November!

Day four and movin' along. I'm still tired! I did my Gilad and 30 minutes on the treadmill this morning. I studied the vitamins again for this Thursday's test. Then I made Vinca's walnut, pear, and mustard green salad. I really enjoyed it, and made enough for a few days.

Dressing

4 sprigs chopped green onion

2 T lime juice

2 T EVOO (extra virgin olive oil)

1 t honey

1/2 t sea salt

Salad

1 bunch de-ribbed mustard greens, chopped

1 cup walnuts, chopped

1 Asian or Bosc pear, cored and cut into julienne strips

Whisk dressing ingredients in a small bowl. Place salad ingredients in a large bowl, drizzle with dressing, and mix. It's got fiber, the antioxidants vitamin E and C, and healthy fats.

~Smobergirl