I slipped.

This is my Ugly Doll journal. I am going to try journaling again or worksheets, or both. Or I could just lock myself up somewhere for a month. Being in the music business for so long, however, has taught me that rehab does not necessarily work from all of the music news I've read. This singer fled rehab, that one went back to rehab, and this one is instructed to go to rehab then starts using again when he/she gets out. Then there's a place in Malibu that's more of a self-help workshop for a cool $78,000. I'd rather print out my own free worksheets at home and make my own cleansing food. Kale smoothies are amazing. Spinach is wonderful. Citrus and pineapple 'clean' out the body and are natural anti-depressants. So is my cat. He's my miracle baby. However I am hurting him too when I smoke.

I am not grateful enough for everything I have. It may be genetic (always blame the family right? lol) that I want to be perfect and I'm flawed. I have an amazing, cozy condo. I have a beautiful wardrobe. I look younger than I am spite all of the damage I have done. I have a flat screen TV on my wall where I can watch all the Food Network I want. I can afford to be a freelancer and take fun classes. Well that part isn't me. I have inheritance and a giving family when I should be independant. That's one part of my guilt. I won't go get a full-time job because I don't want to be more miserable. Having a dream job for 20 years, although it was part-time, I don't want to get back into a 9-5 sales position. That's another thing. I wasn't "good enough" to be a full-time radio DJ. That's what some kept telling me.

I'm a brat. Then there's more guilt. I am a spoiled brat. I am selfish. I shop and eat out more than I should. I eat out to be social mostly. I still feel lonely. My neck is starting to age. No one can ever fall in love with a co-dependant brat like me. How much more self-destructing can I do? I don't feel like a normal person. I feel failed and flawed. I got my yoga teaching certificate and I can't get into a studio and I haven't tried any gyms. I am a complete hypocrite.

This is where the journal comes in. Writing all the stuff that is good about me instead of how horrible I am. Nobody is perfect. Luck plays a big factor in the entertainment business, even though I was reminded constantly how 'stupid' I sounded on the air. My problem is being bullied since I was six. My friends wonder why at 40 I beat myself up constantly. They don't understand why I keep hitting the bottle and cigarettes. Some people even see it as a crime and not a health problem like harder drugs. Don't get me started on the judgment system. Addicts should be sent to doctors, not prisons and jails.


I think I'm finished rambling. It's off to a bath and a yoga class. Maybe a vegan joint with friends tonight. I'm not lonely. I have single freedom. I have to love myself. I have to take care of this mind and body. I made some enemies by drinking but I have a ton of people who love me. What if I died before my parents? What if I got COPD or an organ disease and how would I explain that to them? I could not bear with myself if my kitty got sick from my smoke.

Okay NOW I am done rambling. Let's start over for the last time please.

Thank you for reading.

Smobergirl