I'm not worthy.

Hi Wayne. ;)

Day 315 and I am feeling better. Stinkin' thinkin'. I'm really good at feeling guilty. It's one of my stronger talents. I'm eating well though and today was soup diet day, unintentionally. No breakfast (bad girl!), tomato basil for lunch and mulligatawny for dinner. My awesome Indian neighbor also made me a mango lassi. That's an Indian drink made with mango puree and yogurt. Yum!

I have been doing a lot of nothing lately, and that made me a little miserable. I'm just hoping and praying something wonderful will happen with teaching yoga. I'm still 'green' but I think I can be really good down the road. My teachers said I have a great personality and a nice voice. That's a start! I'm excited for Denver (the assisting workshop...did I mention that?) and Wanderlust. Another student from my training and a teacher friend of mine may be going to that.

Always around tax time my father gets stressed and tells me to get three jobs or be frugal or complains about something. Poor guy. Then that makes me feel unworthy. Maybe I should get a job at a coffee shop or record store. Oh hey! Queer prom is coming up. I'm DJing that and getting some good dinero for it. That's my favorite gig. The kids are great and fun to work with, and the light guy is the best, and helps set up and keep me in line and stuff. This will be year number 5 or 6.

I sold two big paintings and a bunch of fridge magnets already. I've had three art shows in three months and two more in the works. It's really good to be me in the art world right now. I need to brush dust off of my blank canvases though. Like I said, I've been a huge procrastinator lately. However the cure to my sadness is yoga, guitar, learning a new language, and art.

Now I feel even better. Like I said before this blog is therapy. It's like a journal. Now I will open Rosetta Stone, play some scales, and Read the Sutras until I pass out.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 315

I'm Naked!

You'll have to check out that song by Stereo Total. It's hysterical. I'm taking a bath in Ahava salts I found for cheapy price at TJ Maxx. Detoxifying. Got a face peel on. Quaffing spa water. (Slice a lemon and chill in a pitcher of water for at least an hour. You can also slice cucumber or orange and put in a fresh mint sprig.) Spa at home rocks!

On the agenda: Guitar lesson, Zumba, painting, French, calling bands for second non-profit radio Internet station concert.

Smobergirl

10 Months sober and tobacco-free

Ten-Month Hemp Shake

Oh it's so hemp-a-licious! Strawberry-chocolate-banana goodness!!!




1 Tbs Hemp seeds
3 tbs hemp protein and cocoa powder
1/4 cup freeze-dried bananas and strawberries
5 fresh strawberries
1/2 Acai frozen smoothie slab
5 frozen cranberries
1 tsp coconut oil
1/2 cup coconut water



YUM!

Ten months!

I feel so amazing, and blessed.

The ironic thing is, I had a crave from Hell last night for 15 minutes, then it disappeared like a wave, or a ghost leaving my body. It's been a month since the last one. I remember it was three days before the 9 month mark. So after the crave I got the cure: an iced coffee. Then I walked around Fashion Place for 30 minutes then met an AA crew at The Pie by the U. It's a fun group, they are mostly all in their 20s-30s. Good socializers.

So my mother will be in town tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to that. She's taking ME to Lady Gaga! I am especially thrilled because Scissor Sisters are opening, and I've been waiting about 4 years to see them. Yay!

Happy St. Patty's to ya! I need to hit the Iceberg for a Shamrock Shake or something...


Smobergirl
Day 304

Faith

You gotta have it. I can bear my testimony in so many coincidences and synchronicities. Also I chatted with my step-mom last night and I feel tons better and didn't see the big picture. Both trainings look actually eerily similar. I realized my teachers are just as amazing as my favorites. I didn't miss out on any special or better teaching I think now. My reality was that I didn't want to go through this school and try teaching or opening a studio just to fail, like I kinda felt I failed at being a radio DJ (which I absolutely didn't).

So here's today's synchronicity. Outside Whole Foods I ran into the other yoga teachers from the place my favorite is at. Craaaaazy! Had a nice chat and now I really feel better. It was what I needed. Can't believed that happened. Something wonderful is up with living on this planet. You gotta have faith. And no matter what anyone says I think George Michael is a fantastic man.

My friend wrote a book recently on healthy relationships, and she said in it that we need to learn to control our emotions a right way. There's more to it, but meaning be healthy, happy, and whole by your emotions. And by God, meditation has helped me so much. I would have felt happy learning from my favorite teacher because I think I just have a crush on him. My teachers were actually spectacular. The only beef I had was the astrology and fung shui part (which is actually kind of fun) and the girl who was judgmental when I was the judge of her.

You know what I love? Pineapple and red pepper in a stir fry. Lunch was Thai tofu curry with those two and really good shitakes from the new Whole Foods which was so busy because they just opened in Trolley Square. It is beautiful and ginormous though, and I got another gelato pint. Dangit I'm not appreciating what I have!! ;) Hey the mint choc is 1/2 way gone anyway. Didn't hurt to stock up.

Love,

Smobergirl

Sad.

Stuff. Now. Upset. Just read that my favorite yoga teacher is starting a training. Very upset. I felt hardly any connection to the one I took and it's a paradox. YOGA made me really mad in the past five months. God damnit. Crying. No, no one died but I am terribly frustrated. Going to meditate RIGHT NOW.

More meditation. More Zumba. More mint chocolate gelato.

Meaning I need to do more. Also, now I know why all of my AA pals are 'addicted' to working out, as in vigorously. It took me a year to figure this out. Yoga is nice and I highly praise it, but I should have listened to my step-mom. Get a punching bag. I had a crazy night and day folks.

I was hot all night and stayed up until about 4:30 am. Which would normally be 3:30 as of late since we barely changed our clocks, but that's still freaking early. I called in sick, which saved my butt. I was hot all day with a little tummy ache, but I kinda ate weird combos of food last night too. Maybe that was it. And here's my blog about eating right!! I had delicious Indian food at Himalayan Kitchen around 6:30. Then got this wacked out crave for vegan buffalo wings and a chocolate peanut butter soy shake from Vertical Diner at 9:30. I think when you are a former binge-drinker, you'll make any excuse to do crazy stuff. Like spend $200 on underwear but that's a different story. So yeah. Indian food, chilies, wheat meat and soy and chocolate. Maybe not a great combo. And Vinca said not to eat the processed soy.

The weird cool thing is that I woke up at 10 am feeling energized. I have been taking part of the "Dr. Perricone Perscription" for about two weeks and my energy level is fantastic. Really. I take Co Q-10 in the morning, with DMAE and pycnogenol twice a day. I'm also drinking water with green powder more. The bad thing is that I'm getting paranoid (a trait I'm an expert at) at being a spoiled brat, people who are driving me nuts but I don't have to deal with them, and what to do with this yoga thingy. My father, the former entrepreneur, may help me open a yoga studio. That is generous but also the spoiled brat part. Most of my life people picked and pick on me for being so lucky. So I have had this cloud of guilt over my head for freaking ever. But I am lucky and I am grateful. So what do I do, please my friends and turn down offers like these? Am I stupid and don't see a clear answer? Even in corporate radio, the name "trust fund baby" floated around my back. Mean, huh? I can't win with that one. It pisses me off. Okay. Then here's a really great opportunity. I have the opportunity to teach yoga at rehab centers. I plan to speak to a teacher I know who actually does that. I know her boyfriend very well too. I was really paranoid finishing my training then I thought of the things that I'd love to do with it, like teach addicts and play local, rock, and live music at some classes. Like my old PD at the corporate station said, "...just place your hands over your ears..." if people bug you. Best advice EVER. LOL. Because even in the yoga world there are judgments. It's actually sad. There was a person who worked at the yoga studio where I took the training who carried judgmental energy in spurts and I'm thinking, you shouldn't be here. It dampened my experience, and I didn't put my hands over my ears. So that was bothering me also because this person was part of the program and I let it get to me. I wished I waited for another training at another studio. But I am done and I can get started now on work if I want, and I have other yoga workshops I'm going to which will actually make me happy. So I think if I meditated through the teacher training, I would have dealt with it so much better.

AA pals being addicted to exercise: I took Zumba class #2 tonight and I'm going to sleep like a baby!! I was so relaxed afterwards, it's like night and day. Step-mom told me months ago that yoga is great and all, but maybe I should get a punching bag also and take some kick boxing. Vigorous aerobic workouts work better for my mood. I'm not at all dissing the yoga because you know I love it. I love the relaxation yoga, hatha, and gentle stretches give me; but after power yoga or breaking a sweat at kickboxing or dancing like Zumba, I feel freakin' high. So when my addy friends say they have to hit the gym, I know it's not to lose weight or to get fit necessarily. It's endorphins, dopamine, and seratonin that get elevated with vigorous exercise. I say yoga for soul, Zumba for mind. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

I do feel much, much better now and now I know what I have to do. I need to relax first and foremost. I need not to take things or people so darned or damned seriously. I need to plug my ears once in a while. And I need more freezer space.

Smobergirl
Day 302
63 days until 1 year sober and smoke-free!

Day 299

Woot. 66 days until a year quit! Really. Crazy awesome.

I am so paranoid it's ridiculous. I did just fine teaching today and just learned from the mistakes I did make. The teachers said my voice and personality were great. Yay. And I got a ton of compliments from the students. Except for one girl who said outright to my teaching partner that she loved it when my music was turned off, then her "head started spinning again" when it was turned back on, but I'm ignoring that. Frude, right? Who does that? Well I hated your music and loved it then the other student turned it off when she started teaching. I was petty peeved but that's another lesson: Just let these things go. Just let 'em go. Music can be touchy to practitioners. You either seem to love music when you do yoga, certain types, or no music at all. But that was just darnright not polite. Hey I'm a poet. Okay I have a confession. I can get really sensitive. I have another confession: Sometimes I think I'm six and like to play with little things like they are dolls, and I've always liked miniatures. I let that silly music comment get to me when I was trying to make the class fun. Today I got a nice package in the mail from my mom. She knows I love owls so she burned a tiny owl gourd for me, in a dipper gourd made into a candy dish, and shells with different potpourri. All of the sudden stuff came out and I cried my ass off (the little event triggered other stuff like loneliness and expectations of myself), then I was instantly pacified by playing with the gourd owl. The candy dish is his boat home, and he has a smaller felt boat to have adventures on. He finds different shells and sails around them. Then I was fine and 39-yrs. old again. Yeah I do that. Let's just say I'm creative. ;) Hey it made me feel better.

So life is great. This is the last weekend of teacher training then just the mentorship. I am stoked for the Baptiste assisting workshop in April/May which I so need, and for Wanderlust! Good times ahead.

Well good night. It's been a long day. Daylight saving is Sunday at 2 am so it doesn't hurt to hit the sack early.

Love,

Smobergirl

Get out the notebook.

I am stressing out over my yoga testing this weekend and dreading it, when in reality there is nothing to worry about and I'm going to make my test class fun. If I screw up, I learn something. Mind you, this is yoga, the teachers are the sweetest people and never intimidate or make you feel bad. Really! An old psychologist would advise me to write down the fear or 'stinkin thinkin', then write down the realistic outcome. I did the same listening to a radio show today, whom I thought I should had been one of the guests. Then I wrote down the reality and I now feel okay. I still have a hard time regretting my hateful emails (one to that girl in the coffee shop, who happened to be on the radio show today). I am meeting an ex-drinker friend tomorrow to discuss this. She's really sweet and happy, and says she's got the thing for me. I just don't know what that thing is yet.

Citrus is a natural anti-depressant, so I made this creamsicle smoothie:

2 oranges
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup almond milk
1 tbs honey
1 tsp vanilla extract

So relaxing today and time to go over sanskrit words to yoga poses and how poses benefit the bod.

Smobergirl

Back from Palm Springs

Did I even say I was going there? All of the pics are from there except the baklava. That's from Greek Souvlaki. I had a stupid wine crave at 6 pm, went to a vintage shop called Misc. right after for their Spring party, called my mom to tell her about the trip, and by 8 I was more interested in a chicken souvlaki and baklava. Bak was honey-soaked awesomeness. Had 4 bites, was a good girl. The rest you see there is in the fridge. For lunch I made a Trader Joe's rice variety with frozen peas, Caputo's hummus, and an Indian spice mix from Deepak Chopra's center. I smell like coconuts. I am trying to switch from lotion to oil as a moisturizer, and got a sunflower/avocado oil with Black Coconut scent from Kuumba oils.

I made more almond milk and showed my step-mom in Palm Springs which she seemed to dig but my dad would have none of it. I was there last Thursday through Sunday. I swam every day and ate so much good (mostly healthy) food, and tons of fruit. Made iced coffee and shakes in their home, the latter with Trader Joe's Hemp Protein Powder I got there in CA. I also took that home. It's good. We went to a street fair and got a ton of produce and tea, and a hemp tattoo. That symbol means love, at least I think it does.

That's the lap pool I swam in. My dad wanted to scare away ducks who were pooping in the yard so he got these inflatable swans. They seem to be working. Also he drove me to a farm where we saw rows of red and green lettuce, chard, artichokes, cauliflower, fennel, and more. It was a nice bonding trip. I don't get to be alone with my father much so that was really nice.

Remind me to take pics of the Misc. clothes I got. That shop is in downtown Salt Lake City, UT. They're adorable! Each item cost about as much as an average Smobergirl wine and cig binge, $30-ish. I should had asked the owner what era one came from, which looks 60's or 70's mod, something Twiggy would had worn. Another dress looks like a black embroidered Mexican frock, and I got a tiered peasant Sundance Catalog skirt, orig. $178 for $24. I totally scored. That shop owner is picky about what she buys too, she doesn't carry too much. Then I called my mom in St. George, which she told me about a new mom and pop Greek cafe similar to her favorite place in SLC, Greek Souvlaki, so I had that on the brain and took the two items home, which I gave a little chicken to The Bandit. I'm still on-and-off with meat eating. But now I don't want to eat any red, just fish and the one bird meat today. O M G I have to tell you my Kindle story.

I am getting sleepy but I have to throw this in. I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED. It can be downright spooky. Maybe I should say the spoiling Gods are smiling upon me. But I don't want to jinx it. The day before I left for Palm Springs I was honestly thinking of getting a kindle to read on planes. Then I was wondering what would be better, an iPad, Nook, or other ebook. Lo and behold the lady next to me on the plane whips an Amazon Kindle out. I didn't ask though how she liked it. Then at my dad's I told my step-mom my story about the lady on the plane, then asked how she liked her iPad. She replied, "I bet I can give you a Kindle right now. Your Dad got one for Christmas and never used it." Talked to Dad...boom...I'm the new owner of a Kindle. Got 3 books, one being an Ani Phyo raw cook book. So now I'm going to try more raw stuff but maybe or maybe not stick with fish too. My weight is still down. I took my first Zumba class which I really liked. I have 2 yoga DVDs from Netflix, one Rodney Yee and one Baron Baptiste. I'm going to take a Baptiste assist workshop in Denver next month. I was a bit down about the teacher training I chose, which is not Baptiste but a local yoga studio, however I learned enough and that ends this weekend followed by a 6-week mentorship, which I don't know the details of yet. I wish I did.

Life is pretty awesome right now. I think about wine and Nat's but then it passes. Staying sober way outweighs a binge night. I mean every single time I do it's the same scenario, and I end up feeling guilty for days, the hangover is unbearable, and to think about what I told other people and affected friendships and relationships. Thought about that pilot I dated for three whole weeks 3 years ago and wondered where we'd be if I didn't have a problem. Called him at 5 am one day hungover or still drunk and called him an asshole when he was out of state. I was history shortly afterwards. The only way not to go back there is not to binge. I am not and do not want to be that person. I highly value myself when I am not in that place.

Have a good night and stay snuggled in this snowy weather! It surely isn't Palm Springs. I can hear my dad chuckling now.

~Smobergirl
Day 294