FIRE!

I just had a fierce craving. I know I said, "I can never go back there" before but it's not true tonight. I was upset about something about the new job (feeling like an idiot, mostly) and I just wanted to sedate myself tonight in vino and lots of it. Then I thought of the consequences, for one I have to be on the show tomorrow. Then I was watching Bitchin' Kitchen, a funny, sassy, cooking show on Cooking Channel. Each show has a theme, and this one was getting your anger put out by spicy foods. I can dig that. The host explained that the body thinks something is wrong when you eat an extremely spicy pepper, so the dopamine kicks in like CRAZY to make you feel better. So I heated up an Este pizza slice with a 1/4 diced scotch bonnet, no seeds. WOAH. It worked, and it was tasty. Brain feels goooooooood. Then I had another with Rico's guac/pico de gallo mix. I think this also calls for a spoonful of peanut butter and chocolate chips when a new Dexter episode comes on at 7. Speaking of TV and karma what came on after BK was a biography ('Chefography') of a TV host who got crazy with alcohol, and his father whom he hardly saw was an alcoloic and died when the host was 10. Then he went to a rehab in a beautiful space and realised how lucky it was to be alive. Then he went back to drinking, then was on and off "in limbo" so to speak. Then he met his girlfriend and tried to explain it to her but she didn't understand. He catered to Coachella (sponsored by Absolut) and partied. He had a wakeup call and never touched alcohol again after being offered a drink on the plane back. When he sobered up, he got the job at Cooking Channel. Karma. For the record he still is with his girlfriend. Thanks Chuck!

Also speaking of last farmer's markets, the last Wheeler Farm one was today and I took my new BFF, my dental hygienist. We stocked up on popcorn, greens, cilantro, grapes, and these crazy long radishes that look like carrots. We had a huge breakfast. My mind sticks sometimes and I found out that Brazil nuts and lutein in egg yolks are great for memory. I have the former and the latter I had yesterday and this morning. I also had their oat pancakes. I made an acorn squash and it's seeds for lunch. So delicious. I made one half with cinnamon, honey, smoked salt flakes, fresh mint leaves, and olive oil. Oh My God.

I was paranoid to dress up on camera tomorrow because my co-host is afraid to wear a costume in front of a Democrat he's interviewing. "He's a democrat!" I exclaimed. I don't think I convinced him. Hey, I calmed down, it's Halloween, sexy wolf is coming out.

Okay now my habenero brain feels greater than any drunken one would had done. Happy vs. angry. Happy=gooooooooood.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 500-something awesome!

Doing great and looking good.

The workouts and diet are effective. Oh yeah and no boozing or smoking keeps me glowing and my weight down too. Seriously, there's my slim smober clean active happy body, and my sluggish bloated dull-skinned aging alcoholic body. Big diff. Just sayin'. I filmed my first on-location package at the highly-anticipated mall opening next March, City Creek Center, and I looked trim, youthful, and happy. I was at an Angels and Devils party last night at a martini bar (water and rosemary flatbread were my poisons). The boobies and fake tans (hey I had the latter) were abundant. This was a lesson in accepting my age and knowing I look awesome because I'm taking care of myself, but not trying to look 21. It's been a while since I've been to a party like this one. That's the best anyone can do is have an attitude adjustment and just feel good about yourself no matter your surroundings (eg: cute little hotties. Feel like one too, no harm in that. :) In fact, several men came up to me and introduced themselves. I was with my dental hygienist and new friend who I've hung out once recently before. She's keeping me young by taking me out. We met this cute boy who came as Justin Bieber (any costume was acceptable) probably half our age but he wanted to party with us after but we said we had to work in the morning (well she did). And his mother showed up! It was adorable. So yeah, I felt like I still had it. It was a lesson in drinking too, for a few disheveled angels and devils tried to tell us how cute we were in the bathroom falling over with smeared makeup or making out sloppily on the dance floor or shaking a little too much booty for the professional photographer there. I was just elevated to be out of those woods. Overall I was just flattered to have guys come up to me! I think I still need to work on the self-esteem issue even though I'm giving you a pep-talk here. I need to give myself more of those. I still had 'fat arm' issues but I read that most women hate their arms second to their butts. So I don't think I'm alone. They are looking more toned and cut than 17 months ago for sure, and I have been lifting at least 3 times a week. I also flail them around like crazy when I do Zumba or Hip-Hop Abs. Chaturanga in yoga is also great for the triceps.

I was cold this morning so I had white beans in tomato pesto with Moroccan olives and hot pepper this morning. Warm and satisfying. There is a yoga pose for after you eat. Sit on your heels for 3-5 minutes. It aids digestion. That's what I'm doing in my $5 Target bunny PJ bottoms. I made my own iced coffee (I know oxymoron) with Teechino mix. I'm working on my coffee addiction. I have a new organic 1 pound coffee bag and hazelnut Teechino that I'm mixing at home, saving money in the process. Speaking of saving money, well compromising since I had multiple trips to Victoria's Secret and Anthropologie lately due to craves I've been eating about 80% of my meals at home. Breakfast is easy with quinoa and fruit, a smoothie, or beans like today. Dinner is easy too coming home from the TV show and whipping something up. Lunch can be a wrap on the go but sometimes I make a big salad at home then eat Bhuja nut mixes on the way up or something. Well, that can be dangerous ha ha. I've learned from my French friends to have a handful instead of the bag at home. But in the car that bag keeps staring at me. I feel just as satisfied with coffee, tea, or water (sparkling or still) on my commute up to Park City. Toothpicks are also good and there's flavored ones out there.

For lunch today I'll make Sarma Melngailis' Fix Me salad with kale, pumpkin seeds, pumkin oil, and love. Everything is made with love nowadays!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 528

Cleansing to the salt dump!

This is a beautiful smoothie I made this morning:


Juice from 1 lime
1/4 pineapple
1/4 hot house cucumber
1/2 bunch cilantro
1 cup spa water (from a pitcher containing mint sprigs, lemon slices, and cucumber slices)
1 cup ice
1 tbs honey
1 tsp chia seeds
1 tsp flax seeds
1 tsp maca powder

It was fabulous. I felt light and my mood went up. Also for breakfast I make a sweet quinoa with toasted hazlenuts and pecans, dried cherries, more honey...honey, and cinnamon.

Then this happened for lunch: A salt-bomb-city Tom Kha Gai from a national Thai chain. I could only eat a 1/2 cup of the broth then I picked out the veggies and chicken. There is a local place that has a much healthier one, called Ekamai by Pioneer Park, for you Tom Kha Gai aficionados. It's true, when you don't eat table salt or sugar for a long time you are very sensitive to it. So I just drank the rest of my smoothie.

I think the light switch just went off in my brain. I've been off Antabuse again for about a week and a half and my sadness has subsided. For backup I got more citrus fruits and the smoothie definitely helped! Citrus=natural anti-depressant. That's why you feel so good after drinking your OJ. I think about wining and smoking, but because of my new job I can't do it. I know the consequences for sure. I can't go back there. The relapses in the past got to the point that I had what felt like 2-day hangovers. It was pretty brutal. Not to mention the bursts of inebriated email and FB rants. It is absolutely true that it gets better over time, losing the want to use and a better quality of life. It's worth the quit ten-fold.

Watch your salt! :)

Love,

Smobergirl
Day 525

Not-So-Scary Lemon-Beet Smoothie

6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! That was The Bandit's contribution. Creepy!

This is really delicious and bright. You better like sour and you better like lemons. Do you dare???

3 Lemon Spinach or Sorrel leaves with stems
3 red beet green leaves with stems
About 15 small pesticide-free grapes WITH STEMS! (The grape stems, like other foods, have nutrients in them. A powerful blender will get rid of the woodsy texture. Grapes are on also the 'dirty-dozen' list for pesticides since they have no peel and are vulnerable, so use organic.)
1/2 lemon, peel cut off
1 cup water or lemon water
1 tsp maca powder
1 tsp chia seeds

Pulverize and liquify in a high speed blender. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Sour, tangy, antioxidant, cleansing deliciousness.

Love,

Smobergirl
Day 524

Just be honest.

Okay I got my act together. I just need to be honest with everybody. Problem solved. Honesty and letting go of what people may think really helped me over the last few years. I used to be afraid to be honest. But now I get it. And I don't work with mean people now so I can feel more comfortable doing so. Night! SLeep tight.

Smobergirl.

Pick three friends.

That is what Dr. Oz said to an obese man on his show who was also lonely, to call and talk to. I'm having a sad and lonely night tonight, and I can't even think of three people. Parents are out. Step-mother I don't want to bother. My friend Will, well, turns the tables and tells me how miserable he is. Don't want to bother my married friends. Don't want others to know I have these problems. Sheesh. This is what I posted in a www.quitnet.com club called OWWO (something about 'other winos') tonight:

"I have been so freaking depressed lately it's driving me batty. I don't want to smoke, I wanted to smoke and wine myself into a coma, but eight years of that wasn't improving my life. Is this club for ex-winos or people who enjoy being a wino, because LOL seriously I haven't been in here so long that I forgot! But either way I need to ramble. I was on Antabuse and since after using it for about a year I've honestly had suicidal thoughts. I don't feel old (40) but sometimes I feel I missed the boat on having fun, dating, and yeah maybe looking a bit older in the face had me down. I got a new fun, little pay (surprise) job on a small TV station and I love it but I also make mistakes because I wasn't trained there properly (of course it's all their fault, ha ha). I'm in charge of booking bands and the one tonight was late and couldn't soundcheck. His mic was off for two songs by accident and the singer was so sad! Then that made me angry, knowing I could have done a quick soundcheck if I knew how, while the director was taking a.....wait for it.....SMOKE BREAK!

My 'problem' is that I want to make everyone happy. I know that's impossible. And sometimes I put myself last, and dammit now I'm tearing up. I'm off the Antabuse and 80% or so (not 100 though) that I won't relapse. my insurance also no longer covers it. I've been anti-percription anyway and thought of Wellbutrin then thought against it.

The peanut putter high while lounging in my Victoria's Secret jammies lasted about 5 minutes. Something about sucking sticky stuff off a spoon got my mind off the day, even if just for a little while. I should try and sleep. I just hate to see people suffer and I hate to get embarrassed myself on camera. The director drives me nuts but I also love him. I won't and can't commit suicide but it's scary that I even think of it. Most of my life I've felt "stupid". I feel like Otto in A Fish Called Wanda (Don't call me stupid!) or Bridget Jones most of the time. Especially during the latter's smoking and drinking and feeling sorry for herself and "I pretty much feel like an idiot most of the time anyway". And she got a TV gig like me! I am Bridget Jones. Now I'm kinda giggling. All I have to do now is slide down a fireman's pole in a skirt.

I also got my yoga teacher certification to make myself feel better. Now I feel like I'm not fit to be a yoga teacher. How's them apples? I feel worse!

Thanks for hearing me out."

So that was my post. I think next time I feel this way I'll write it down, like an old therapist suggested. It's that mood worksheet thing I talked about before. In a nutshell I do feel like a moron. But I did get my point across to the director tonight of the TV show and maybe I'll get (or demand) some proper training. Even though the musician was late he didn't deserve a shitty turned off mic. But I feel like I could had prevented that if I took the reigns while the director was smoking outside instead of doing a soundcheck. What am I going to do? Maybe media isn't my thing. Maybe I can't handle media personalities. God knows I had my battles in radio. These TV people are actually much cooler, but less professional. What's a girl to do. Become the radio bitch and buy a leather whip from Blue Boutique? Hmmmm.....I also should be eating walnuts instead of peanut butter perhaps. There's cashew, almond, macadamia nut, sesame seed, and pistachio butters but I've never seen walnut butter. Hmmmmm.....


Smobergirl

P.S. Is there anyone out there who I can actually call in the future? I'm serious. I need my three peeps.

I am so grateful.

I'm a little emotional on this cloudy day. I just got a really cool little job on the TV. It's non-pretentious,the people are laid-back, I get to book who I want to book for the most part. I can't imagine who I'm going to meet and interview during Sundance. I get free parking during Sundance. I get to expose musical talent. I learn how to dress cuter. I get to meet olympic athletes. It's going to be a fun ride. I am going to meet so many people!

Life is what you make it. Being clean, taking care of my body, and moderation have immensely paid off. I think about boozing at home, but then I think of the immense consequences. Want to break a bad habit? Stop. When you stop, good things will start to happen. It's that faith and drive that made me stop. Life is very different now.

Natural peanut butter is pretty tasty. I have a spoonful a day. Mmmm. I also am sticking to whole foods rather than processed. Local jalepeno popcorn is pretty darn good with Dexter. Tonight's episode is "Smokey and the Bandit". I miss my Smokey. Bandito's in the bedroom and I'd wish he'd come out here in the living room and sleep on his favorite Love Sac pillow. I'll be alright. The pros are highly outweighing the cons right now.

Love,

Smobergirl

Making my father proud.

I don't know if you are like this but I've always struggled to make my father happy. However, part of this was me being a perfectionist. Finances have EVERYTHING to do with it. I never made enough (there is exactly no money in radio unless you are the owner or perhaps the morning show so don't get me started), the guys I dated never made enough, he asked me to take over his business or be a lawyer like my half-sister, which both were not in my league nor interest; and even as a small celebrity he kept bugging me to quit and get a job at KSL. Oh, okay Dad. However, there was one thing he was so proud of, which was me on stage. He was there right when plays ended and he'd tell me how good I was, even when I thought I stunk. He'd embarrass me in junior high when I was Kim MacAfee in Bye Bye Birdie when he stood up and waved during my solo in "Got A Lot Of Livin' To Do". So flash-forward to present day. I got the PCTV job. It's just what I wanted, part-time with perks, booking and interviewing most of the music talent. And my father watches every night. Every single damn night. I felt horrible going to John Waters this evening so he couldn't see me on the TV. He just loves it, and calls me before and after every show. He just loves it. I have not felt this love since acting at Desert Star Playhouse in the 90s when he'd drag my step-fam to every show. This touches my heart more than anything. He didn't give a damn about my corporate radio days. He hated that music anyway too. But he loves seeing me. That means the world.


Love,

Smobergirl

Day 515, and 17 months in four days.