Pick three friends.

That is what Dr. Oz said to an obese man on his show who was also lonely, to call and talk to. I'm having a sad and lonely night tonight, and I can't even think of three people. Parents are out. Step-mother I don't want to bother. My friend Will, well, turns the tables and tells me how miserable he is. Don't want to bother my married friends. Don't want others to know I have these problems. Sheesh. This is what I posted in a www.quitnet.com club called OWWO (something about 'other winos') tonight:

"I have been so freaking depressed lately it's driving me batty. I don't want to smoke, I wanted to smoke and wine myself into a coma, but eight years of that wasn't improving my life. Is this club for ex-winos or people who enjoy being a wino, because LOL seriously I haven't been in here so long that I forgot! But either way I need to ramble. I was on Antabuse and since after using it for about a year I've honestly had suicidal thoughts. I don't feel old (40) but sometimes I feel I missed the boat on having fun, dating, and yeah maybe looking a bit older in the face had me down. I got a new fun, little pay (surprise) job on a small TV station and I love it but I also make mistakes because I wasn't trained there properly (of course it's all their fault, ha ha). I'm in charge of booking bands and the one tonight was late and couldn't soundcheck. His mic was off for two songs by accident and the singer was so sad! Then that made me angry, knowing I could have done a quick soundcheck if I knew how, while the director was taking a.....wait for it.....SMOKE BREAK!

My 'problem' is that I want to make everyone happy. I know that's impossible. And sometimes I put myself last, and dammit now I'm tearing up. I'm off the Antabuse and 80% or so (not 100 though) that I won't relapse. my insurance also no longer covers it. I've been anti-percription anyway and thought of Wellbutrin then thought against it.

The peanut putter high while lounging in my Victoria's Secret jammies lasted about 5 minutes. Something about sucking sticky stuff off a spoon got my mind off the day, even if just for a little while. I should try and sleep. I just hate to see people suffer and I hate to get embarrassed myself on camera. The director drives me nuts but I also love him. I won't and can't commit suicide but it's scary that I even think of it. Most of my life I've felt "stupid". I feel like Otto in A Fish Called Wanda (Don't call me stupid!) or Bridget Jones most of the time. Especially during the latter's smoking and drinking and feeling sorry for herself and "I pretty much feel like an idiot most of the time anyway". And she got a TV gig like me! I am Bridget Jones. Now I'm kinda giggling. All I have to do now is slide down a fireman's pole in a skirt.

I also got my yoga teacher certification to make myself feel better. Now I feel like I'm not fit to be a yoga teacher. How's them apples? I feel worse!

Thanks for hearing me out."

So that was my post. I think next time I feel this way I'll write it down, like an old therapist suggested. It's that mood worksheet thing I talked about before. In a nutshell I do feel like a moron. But I did get my point across to the director tonight of the TV show and maybe I'll get (or demand) some proper training. Even though the musician was late he didn't deserve a shitty turned off mic. But I feel like I could had prevented that if I took the reigns while the director was smoking outside instead of doing a soundcheck. What am I going to do? Maybe media isn't my thing. Maybe I can't handle media personalities. God knows I had my battles in radio. These TV people are actually much cooler, but less professional. What's a girl to do. Become the radio bitch and buy a leather whip from Blue Boutique? Hmmmm.....I also should be eating walnuts instead of peanut butter perhaps. There's cashew, almond, macadamia nut, sesame seed, and pistachio butters but I've never seen walnut butter. Hmmmmm.....


Smobergirl

P.S. Is there anyone out there who I can actually call in the future? I'm serious. I need my three peeps.