Omens and Hormones

I'm sitting in bed typing this at 8:46 pm as I wonder if certain things are meant to be or if I'm nuts. :) Trying to smile. Well I've been off the maca for a week now, maybe that's why the anxieties are coming back. If you remember the holistic lady told me to make smoothies with it to balance my hormones. And I think the Depo may make them out of whack. Depo Provera is an injection contraceptive that lasts in your body for three months or more. I've been on it for about ten years. Now I'm not going to get any more shots of it.

In Maui on Monday my brother went to dinner with some of his friends and didn't invite me or my mother. My dad already left to come back. All of the sudden I had a rush of disrespect and anger. Am I not his friend but just his older sister? Am I not cool enough? I acted like a 16 year old and stuff really came up in my hotel room. Then my mom came in. Busted. An hour later I was like, "who was that person?". Something I'd say when I was drinking. But I'm 136 days sober.

Today more hostility as I came to a cigarette-butt and cat feces infested condo on 4 hours of sleep. Then I'm like, "Will you just chill. This is no behavior for a future yoga teacher".

Challenges like this have happened ever since the weekend yoga workshop in Park City. I thought I was cured and I'd be the best zenned out person on the planet. Not so much. Just more anger and regrets and abusive convos in my head that I'd say to people whom I think don't understand or appreciate what I do. Not very yogi-like.

So maybe the omen is that I'm being pushed so much that I "have to" get certified so I become this better person myself. Because it's leading there. And it so happens that the studio I want to be certified at finally after 2 months of searching sent me an email. Teacher training starts at the end of the month. How convenient after I start really losing it. Or maybe it's the red-eye flight. Well I am back home so the maca shakes resume tomorrow. Maybe teacher training is meant to be. And if it's brain washing I could care less. I'm still lonely, my old station is doing a local show I was supposed to be in charge of (jealous much?), I'm struggling with the one I'm at now (yes William), I don't have a day job, I have guilt, I feel pretty upset tonight and not chill at all and I'm just burnt out. Now I want to drink. Not really but I can't anyway. After that weekend of learning to let go nothing has really changed. I still get weepy. I still get pissed. Alright time to meditate. I promised myself after the workshop that if these feelings come up I'd stop and meditate. But I still stew in them. I let the stuff come up today definitely AND ALL THAT SHIT. Maybe the maca does work and I still need to stay on it.

Smobergirl