Hi there. It's been a while since I've blogged. My mom was in town and I was a bit occupied, and spoiled. There was so much going on in the week she was here. Craft and art events, shopping, Park City, eating...it was a blast! I got some nice jewelry and fun crafts. We went to the Park City Arts Festival, the farmer's market, and an event which I emceed one of the stages, Craft Lake City. The latter is a craft and artisan fair, all local, with 19 bands and two stages this year. This was the third annual and there were 180 crafters, 50 more than last year. I looked pretty, got a ton of complements, and felt like a princess. Then I got the stinkin thinkin' today. This is what went through my head: "My friends and musicians complemented me is because I'm a radio personality and they are always nice to my face. I really have a double chin, fat arms, and I'm not that smart and maybe people in the media hate me. They probably do. I hate my mean ex-ex boss and I wish I could tell him off. How could someone be so horrible? Why did I stay in radio if I'm such a dingbat? I wish I wasn't on Antabuse so I could have some wine. God I'm lonely. How could my neighbors say that they can't believe I don't have a boyfriend? I don't believe I don't have a boyfriend! What the heck?" Then I called an AA buddy, actually the person who got me the job at the internet station I'm at now. He did what he said people do to him, he calls someone, then gets back down to earth so to speak, and sees things in a more positive perspective. He's a guy who is brutally honest with me, that's why I called him. It was scary because I'm not even trusting myself. I wanted what's true about me through others, and it's like I couldn't even tell myself who I am. #1, I didn't trust. Not the stinkin' thinkin', but other than that every day I think I'm usually hot or thinner or doing a good thing or being a great example or being a fantastic pet owner. Then I see a photo of myself or friends tell me to get another cat or that it's impossible to get a book published or yoga teachers are like massage therapists and it all goes to pot. I like and never use that phrase "goes to pot". That's fun to say. So I call my friend I the first thing I say is "Hi, I'm in the dumps, you told me to call if I needed to." The last time I called him, I wanted to shut him off forever because he was pretty curt. He said yoga never solves anything and "What do you want me to say?" After I called in tears over a year ago. We were FBing last night and this comes out of his chat message, or email. hey it's BOTH now on Facebook. :) Love ya FB. He says, "" aw GAWD I forgot and lost the quote. Well it was something like "Really, you can always call me if you need to", like he meant it and maybe he knew he was a little too harsh and distant last time. I'm just pissed right now that I can't even trust my own love for myself. Now I'm gonna cry again. But the lesson is that I let the hate eat me.
And that's a metaphor get it??? (LMAO). I crack me up. During my yoga teacher training one of the teachers had a lecture on mindless eating, and addictions. What struck a chord for me, and helped me eat less, is him talking about how you keep eating things like popcorn or little snacks especially, and he said are you really eating the food at a certain point or does it start to eat you? "I had this pipe I really liked which I'd take a few puffs from about once a week. Then that turned into three times a week, then every day. Suddenly I found myself smoking this nice pipe instead of doing kalari or reading or meditating. It was also eating me." Sounds like someone I know who drank too much wine and smoked too many cigarettes. SO tonight I made a really nice dinner of grilled shrimp, corn, asparagus and cherry tomatoes. I baked sweet potato fries and served them with natural Moroccan catsup and dijon mustard. Then I had two chocolate-covered fruits and three raw macaroons. Too much. I emotionally ate the chocolate. I'm going to be okay. I need to take compliments and not rip myself apart. I need to get out of my head and stop thinking that people are not truthful to my face. They have no need to kiss my ass. Maybe the bands but...lol...I'm fine. Yeah maybe my period is right around the corner, thought about that one. At least the chocolate was either dark or vegan and raw. lol. And I had fruit. And I stopped at some point, ha. But that's your lesson too. Take compliments and don't let food or negative thinking eat you.
Love,
Smobergirl
Day 454
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