A craving is like an off switch. Everything you said about 'never again' gets shut off and you just want to have a good time. A warm glass of red wine in front of the TV watching Christmas shows blocks out any fear of what you might say on the internet three hours later. I was in denial about the holidays being tough, I wanted to be tough. I can't find the Antabuse (the 'get sick on alcohol' med) this morning and I skipped yesterday. I had no reaction last night. However white wine tends to make me angry and I get more sentimental on red, so at least I was mostly lovey-dovey, but still a bit weepy. What I am craving now is grape must. I think I've talked about it before. It's an Italian non-alcoholic grape juice made from the peels. It's good stuff. I also had 'temple' food today (as in treat your body like a temple) having kale salad, peppermint tea, lemon water, and a veggie stir fry. It's macadamia nut and sun-dried tomato mash tonight. It's mac nuts, SD tomatoes, parsley, sea salt, pepper, and lemon juice. Snyder calls it nut pate.
Holidays are tough. I'm alone this year. I think that's the big thing. The AA book "Denial Is Not A River In Egypt" is a huge truth. I also feel burnt out. I feel empty and tired. Yesterday I felt a beam of hope and I was bouncing off the walls. That's the power of depressants: They make you 'depressed'. I feel more guilt, reputation a bit tattered on FB, a little hopeless but if I only find that Antabuse! (I payed $153 for that little sucker.)
I do believe in karma and I really want to be the best role model I can, not bash my old work or get sloppy on the social network. That part of 'me' is not me. It would be perfect if everyone understood but I have to understand that probably not everyone will. I don't want to ruin my new jobs or anymore friendships. I have to accept that I lose judgment after 4-5 glasses of wine. Why do I need it? Yes I also had the excuse of starting over on January 1, 2013. That isn't going to happen, I'm stopping now. You hear me. When I crave I will visit this page. I will also make a phone call for help. Great now I'm going to cry after I just took a bath and put hydrating oil on my face. I keep reading that oil is actually better for your skin than creams or lotions. My goal is to just use coconut or olive oil as a moisturizer. This blog is also about food and heck why not put it on your body? Eating tomatoes is also a natural light sunblock and lemons can fade sun spots applied topically.
Tomorrow will be much better. The bouncing off the walls was due to a surprise Christmas check. I was thinking I could use a little of it to join a gym with a steam room which is good for your health, and hair if you put conditioner in it and sit there for a while. I also found a gym with that and a pool. I'll get a massage, have my sore knee checked, donate blood on Wednesday, and I really want that Solange-Azagury-Partrigde ring. Don't tell anyone. That's about four months worth of wine and cig money. So no bingeing for at least that long (although you know the goal is forever). Then I will put the rest in my money market. You have to invest smartly. Imagine how much would be in your savings if you didn't drink, smoke, or go to the coffee shop for twenty years. You could buy a Porsche with that. I also have to thank family for the lovely lavender gifts. When you quit it's excellent to be armed with stress relievers. I got a soap, lotion, sachet, and lavender dark chocolate. Rescue Remedy spray is also awesome. Yes I can use that money for an out-patient program and maybe I will. Especially if I can't find my meds man. They are here somewhere. I also got a deal for spinning/pilates/or training classes at that fancy gym. I also feel good because I gave to several charities this year. Girls, some websites give all the proceeds from jewelry and clothes you buy to charities, or better yet you can buy goods made from women with HIV or earrings made from melted bullet shells from foreign civil wars, something made good out of something harmful. Just google it.
I love you for reading. I'm still alive and I have my dignity. You have to keep remembering that not everyone will understand what you are going through and don't expect them to do so. "What you think of me is none of my business." That's a good mantra to keep.
Love,
Smobergirl
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