1000 posts yesterday. Luckily not that many relapses, but this isn't the time to be funny because I had one last night. Being a broken record hurts. I could had been clean for a thousand days. What happened? No Antabuse, because I was stingy with money and part of me wanted to give in and part of me thought I wouldn't give in. The junkie in me wanted to start over on New Year's Day, of course! I work weekly for one more week in the morning and maybe there is a God because that, and the fact my mother is in town for the holidays would keep me off it. Then I would curse when I craved. I'm serious about this karma thing and now a higher power of some sort because there's been events that prevent me from drinkin' and a smokin' not being on the 'sick on alcohol' drug. Lack of funds, work, visitors. It's been really weird. Good weird, but I managed to sneak it in last night. Nats and Austrailian wine. I already cried three times today, once at Life Of Pi for the second time. The cry was a great excuse because the movie is a tear-jerker so I got away with really crying because I felt horrible. I now have another pit in my stomach. Will you ever learn? That's why it's called addiction? Even getting the wine and cigs there was the "no no no" inside my head. "I'll put my phone and computer in the car again, then I'll get them right back out to text or email someone when I get all excited." I was actually scared getting the stuff for fear of who I'd email or text next, "Poor me I'm a victim how dare you." That's exactly what happened. Poor me. This is why, I've been teased most of my life and now I just want to scream back. Since I was 6 to 41 someone finds a flaw in me to make fun of. And I can't handle it. I have to stop being a pussy and deal with life. Someone once told me, this is kind of related, that no matter how hard you try to be the best person you can, you will still manage to piss someone off. Be it jealousy, your hair-do, your fur coat, the way you laugh, whatever.
It isn't worth it if you are in the same boat I'm in. You don't want to live the next day. You want to curl up in your bed and not move. One cheap thrill gives you all of this: Guilt, maybe losing friends, anguish, headaches, not exercising, maybe a bad reputation, maybe trouble with your job, shame. I'm calling the pharmacy first thing in the morning. The $150 a month is worth saving me.
I craved the hangover food of course but I wasn't too terrible. I had an omelet with avocado, salsa, and ortega chiles for brunch. Evil fake nachos with jalapeños and popcorn at the movie. Real nachos with black beans, evil melty white cheese, the hottest salsa known to man, and guacamole.
I texted three friends today what happened I haven't heard back, the pit gets heavier. I work in the morning and I just want to sleep in. However I can bury myself in my bed tonight. I can't be more sorry.
I did get a wake up call this morning. I play victim then I go ahead and bully that person out. Why did this start in my 30s? Loneliness? Feeling that no one wants to be with me? That jobs haven't treated me the way I want to be treated? Feeling rejected is not getting your way. Maybe I'd 'had it.' I had a friend tell me a few years ago, who's about 22, say how heartbroken he/she is. I wanted to say I've been through the ringer and you don't know heartbreak brothah/sistah. It's not fair and you have to be tough. Lessons, not regrets remember? I'm still crying. I have no shoulder. I could keep trying but it's late. Then I think maybe I don't deserve a shoulder. I did a lot of self-loathing today and not any love. Then I thought life is what you make it and humans make the rules. Love yourself don't hate.
HOORAY a friend just got back with me. Thank you friend. You need your pals. She's telling me I'm really sensitive (so so true!). I do worry about hurting other's feelings and think it's the end of the world when I do. But what about me? I hurt my own feelings in the process. You have to love yourself and others. I'm also a hypocrite being a yogi. That's it I'm becoming a Buddhist.
Love,
SG
*note: I didn't call the pharmacy until December 20. I promise to you and to myself to stay on it for at least six months. My year quit actually required me staying on it for a year. I will give you an update.
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