Super-awesomely delicious breakfast shake.

www.oxygenmag.com

Serves 2.

Ice cubes

1 banana

1 cup soy milk (I used chocolate soy milk)

1/2 cup brewed coffee

1 tbsp natural peanut butter

1 scoop chocolate whey powder (I used Amazing Greens powder)

Be creative. It's just like a chocolate PB shake.

Title?

So much going on I can't think of one. For one, at another day 3, more stuff is coming out. And I wanted to say how I know I can stick to this one from more guilt and just impatience, but I don't want to be the girl who cried wolf. I know visiting my dad next week will keep me sober because my step-mother is on my side. We have been texting every day for three weeks. Now more than ever I am hopeful. I have not had one craving since Thursday.

Yesterday I discovered Budokon, a workout that combines yoga, martial arts, and meditation. It was pretty cool. I had anxiety most of the time until the meditation, then it just disappeared. Most people say my biggest fault is beating myself up, and I wonder if it's my high-expectations upbringing, the fact I was diagnosed with mild anxiety when my parents got divorced, or if I'm just a drama queen. Speaking of, I found myself beating myself up for not being 'normal', like being a weirdo making up a gothic depressing dances to Talking Head songs when I was 15, to singing to my stuffed animals when I was 12, to freaking out over every boy I dated or who wouldn't date me. Then now I'm like, what, is that weird? I worked at a rock station and tons of teens called me with their drama stories. They were just like me. Who the heck am I? I've constantly have had this problem of putting everyone higher than myself, but I don't show it. So when I freak out they are surprised. Maybe that's my only weird side. Am I making any sense? Emotional detox is fun, let me tell you. I seriously need to get rid of 14 years of internal toxins, so how long does that take?

Oh that's a nice salad I made. Smooth butter lettuce, tangelo pieces, hericot verts, a green onion, 3 olives, and balsamic vinegar/sea salt dressing. Yummy.

Love,

Smobergirl

Decadence and no porn.

I went to Carlucci's before they closed at 5, and alas they were out of cupcakes. But there is this other thing I love that's 1 inch round called chocolate decadence. It's a solid piece of dark chocolate mousse. However, they had a 3 inch version with toasted almonds. It's so rich I didn't even eat 1/4 of it. Good girl. This should last me until Wednesday.

Where can I find a good porno in Utah anyway? Wyoming trip!

Freaking out.

...But not giving in.

Om nama shivaya..."Namaḥ Śivaya has such power, the mere intonation of these syllables reaps its own reward in salvaging the soul from bondage of the treacherous instinctive mind and the steel bands of a perfected externalized intellect." ~Wikipedia

Yes, I have been a hypocrite and when I would relapse, I'd usually think I just could control the drinking and my behavior. That's junkie thinking. I'm pretty much a typical drunk. I just want to have fun and be tipsy from the wine, but then the 'depressant' kicks in and that's when my destructive behaviors start. I have a ton of non-alchie drinks here and that's helping. I have this tonic water that I found at the Boise co-op. It's claim is that it uses a healthy sweetener (agave) and Peruvian quinine. Pretty tasty. Of course then there's my precious iced coffee I have decided to hang on to. New goal: If the cravings get so bad, I will give in to anything but alcohol. I'll stick to a relatively healthy diet and drink tons of water, but I mean at night anything goes. Burgers, cupcakes, fries, even if I crave a salad I'll do anything not to drink. I'll take 7 baths a day, drive to Ogden and back, rent a porno (actually that was a joke, but...). I just can't risk it anymore and I have a serious problem I have made into a ritual. Whew. Okay I feel much better. Now I want a cupcake and a porno.

~Smobergirl.

It's really tough when you are out of your comfort zone. There is no way around the pain. What I have learned, is that I am a much, much better person than I think I am. I focused too much on the crap and past history and didn't see all the good and luck in my life! I effect people, and I can choose to do right or wrong. Food is extremely important in effecting your life in general. When I was a yogi vegan, I still thought I was a little fat (well I was still drinking) but I was much happier then. I looked at those pictures and I thought I was glowing! Not so much now. Food is more powerful than we think. I'm at a vegan place right now, then going home to snuggle with the cats.

Better tonight.

Not just for my health, but for the angry emails and texts, that's why I always wanted to stop. People see me as a sweetheart, and I guess I let go of all the bottled up stuff when I drink too much. Heck who doesn't? I am lucky that I have support, and I have a lot of it. So no I didn't get a torte at the Roasting Company, but I did eat that tangelo and had 1/2 of a frozen chocolate coconut milk bar. Luna and Larry's Coconut Bliss. Highly recommended.

The olympics are a huge inspiration. I've been watching it more this year than any other.

I really don't want to binge any more. I know exactly why I do it and I need to like being sober more than wining myself. And I'm absolutely NOT alone when at night sometimes I feel like I am.

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl

Learned more today.

That maybe I need a lifestyle makeover to quit bingeing for good, or just eat a lot of sugar. LOL Yeah, the refined stuff is evil, but so is copious amounts of wine. Thank God for this book I'm reading from my nutrition class: The End Of Overeating. It's about our obsession with food. I had an obsession for imported cigs (with by the way, SUGAR in the filter) and wine. And I've said this before, it was my boyfriend. Solely for that reason. Put anything in a tall bottle and call it a fancy name and it's instantly romantic. Pinot Noir. Sauvignon Blanc. Very romantic words there. I romanticized myself because no one else is, and do I have to do it with that poison.

However, the olympics have been a huge inspiration. I did 30 on the treadmill and a crapload of weightlifting yesterday. I saw a youtube video with Ohno and other skaters training, and they did these crazy hop up the stairs sideways on one foot exercise. When I can breathe again, I want to try that.

What makes me feel inadequate? I read somewhere that most of us don't think we are good enough. I think I was just in the wrong job with personalities different from mine. I was in the bath today whining "I'm too nice and sensitive for radio!" and I actually cried. My point is that I need to do what makes me happy, and not sacrifice my happiness for a 'dream job'. I've got to start painting again and doing mosaics. I am quite good at art. And the more I practice yoga the more crazy poses I can do. I'm an awesome individual. I'm a great healthy cook. My feet are pretty. Not many people can say that. Okay, haha, off to the stationary bike then I may have to get an iced coffee. No sugar. Maybe I'll take a tangelo. Tangelos are the perfect food because they have that knob on top which is easy to pull off and the peel is loose so it just comes apart. Liberty Heights has them right now. Go get one. ;) Okay maybe I'll hit the SL RoCo and get a slice of raspberry torte and just eat the dark chocolate icing and the raspberries on top. I like to do that. I wonder if Apollo would approve.

Love,

Smobergirl

Good morning! It's seven months and three days until my brother's wedding, I think. Ideally I'd like to quit iced coffee in s month. For now I like to lean on it (obviously) as a wine and cig substitute. I am only drinking the less-acid kind I make at home, and I'm mixing it with Teechino and soy milk. I just went to The Tea Grotto in Sugarhouse and got some oolong tea.I am in good spirits today. The sun helps. But it's still freezing. Gotta do guitar, more school reading, workout, and French today. I have a free movie ticket, maybe I will use that tonight. Last night I went to a vegan cafe, had "buffalo wings" and listened to the owner play reggae on vinyl. Good times.

I am a big mess. A big terrible mess. On my show today I think it will be more music less talk. I need to get myself together. I was in a buisiness with a lot of rejection involved. I was the 'weird kid' in grade school. So what? I have to stop whining. I have tons of fans and friends who don't think I'm screwed up. I am just being normal, like a lot of people get to a certain age and think they have accomplished nothing. That's a very destructive thing to do.

So I found a cafe where no one will find me. Ha ha. I'm having a comforting hot tea and warm food is coming. I want to move to Vancouver. I kinda want to put that bag over my head. I think I'm just giving up. When the shakes go away I'll start working out again. That is great medicine. The people who I annoy, well most, know my true character and know that I'm just going through some rough patches. I need to ingrain this in my head: I cannot control alcohol. I have a strong personality and I keep thinking I can have two glasses of wine at home. It NEVER works. Ever. I need to slap myself and get a clue. But in a loving, nurturing way. Ha.

I almost had a breakdown. More emotional stuff is 'coming up'. It's the stinkin' thinkin! LOL. I was pondering where to have lunch then had the anxiety of running into people I didn't want to. See what alcohol can do for you kids?

Long time no blog. I went to Boise to spend time with my grandmother. That and being inspired by the Olympiads are keeping me clean. I don't think AA is for me, but I still have my crazy talking button, and AA books I still delve into. AA is a spectacular program and it works for so many. However I seem to be critisized when I talk about how much yoga, diet, and holistic health are helping me. If I don't follow AA to the T some of the authorities get pissy. And someone in recovery does not need police-like nor condensending behavior as I have experienced. No thanks.

I am doing great and I think I am starting to turn my little brain around. I craved last night after the Boise trip and just did everything to avoid giving in. I had a nice dinner even with a fatty evil dessert. took a hot bath, and watched the Okympics and Lost which I recorded. Then I thanked my lucky stars for not giving in this morning.

Isn't it funny what we manifest? Or what we focus on? I dated plenty of nice guys, and plenty of mean ones, but they all seemed to have high expectations, like ta da my father. Then I thought today everyone in my dad's life are pretty much bums, when he pushed us not only to get jobs, but successful careers. Okay Dad. Let me get one right away no problem. I was just thinking about that. So he has demands but no one can fufill them, he attracts bums into his life, and I attract mote people like him. I believe if we change the way we look at things, the things we look at will change.

Learning to relax.

I have mastered the art of mentally freaking out. Now I have to undo it. Stuff will always be thrown at you, it's just up to you how you deal with it.

I had an incredible morning. I had some spanikopitas for breakfast, did 45 minutes of kick boxing, and just felt a sense of joy overall. I know I'll sleep well tonight. Then I get a bombshell call about my property tax. I'm moving to Canada. No, it was actually okay because I could handle it, but it did put a dent in my day. It doesn't have to! I think living in the now and not worrying about stuff is critical. So I did a breathing exercise (which I SHOULD do for my cravings, ahem) and felt a ton better. You know what could save me a lot of money, not drinking and smoking.

I found gluten-free pasta that actually tastes good, and had some cucumber slices with yoghurt sauce.

I have a lip gloss addiction, is there a 12-step program for that? I got Sephora's kit of different brands, a V-Day present to myself.

The highlight of my day was kickboxing. There is a show on cable that has different workouts. I put on a sports BRA, not a tank, and my torso is actually not bad. but it helped that I was alone nonetheless. I felt that euphoria during and after that I may have to do cardio every day. I imagined kicking and punching my ex-company's owners, which is completely harmless. I know I've been trying to do the yoga thing for serenity, but you know what, I think violent cardio might be what I need. HEY-YA!!!

~Smobergirl

...and then I just exploded in tears.

My step mom is texting me twice a day checking up on me. I'm going to be okay. I need to love and take care of myself now. Perhaps be really selfish for a while. I am done feeling guilty and worrying so much. I tend to make things bigger than they actually are. I don't like to be angry at anyone but step mom said my old job deserved my drunken hate emails. But of course she sides with me. I was so upset because that person is not me. Like I said, Jeckyll and Hyde. I'm actually pretty nice and even shy sometimes. I used to say yes to everything. Now I think it's healthy to say no once in a while. Now I need to work on the worrying. I just caught myself having a worry moment. Most people, I think, fear somebody. And I also think most people do not believe we are good enough. If I don't drink I won't embarrass myself anymore. I think another problem of mine is worrying so much what people think of me. I think most of us are good at that too. But I also blow that out of proportion. I also knew a girl who is beautiful, funny, and talented. But she drank every night and always made a scene. I felt sad for her. Ironically a year later I would turn into her. I really believe to be careful what you think about. I was on the radio in 2005 and played a DUI attorney ad. I thought, "I do not want another DUI". Guess what happened two weeks later? I know some may think that's hooey (I love the word hooey) but I do believe in the power of the mind.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone.

~Smobergirl

I still at Oasis. Our former mayor Rocky Anderson is dining here. My scramble was delicious, full of bright green zucchini and roasted red pepper sauce. The tea is kinda funky, it was aged in a cave for 7 years. But I am drinking it down.

Good morning. Just saw a friend at the airport who had a layover here. I'm at one of my favorite hippie cafes trying a new tea, Dragon Pu-Erh. I ordered potato hash with eggs, not vegan but there's no cheese. Trying to be good and fufill cravings at the same time.

Stepmom.

I just talked to her for an hour and twenty minutes. I relapsed last night and came out to her. I told you in August that I tried just about everything except for rehab, and I kept trying different things during this blog. I hesitate to talk about her because my mom would probably get upset, but I know she doesn't know about this blog. My step-mother was my piano teacher when I was 8 until I was about 12. She always has been a sweet, gentle lady and does not have a bad bone in her body. I told her everything today and she wants to be my 'sober buddy'. She drinks about 3 glasses of champagne a night, but I wouldn't call her an alkie like me. I went apeshit on the myface last night and erased them today. Some things about why I am stupid and poor me I was never respected or listened to since I was 6 blah blah blah. Then a friend responded saying I should have my own reality show. True that. Now I'm singing Institutionalized to myself, trying to convince myself that "I'm not crazy".

The AZ trip was tough. My mom had wine in our hotel room every night and she was in party mode. I was really good until I came home yesterday. I'm the closet wino I told ya. I had so much fun, drinking Frog's Leap and smoking Nat Sherman's in front of recorded American Idol episodes. Then of course this morning was a different story. Hangover, guilt, disappointment, bloated. All of this for $33.50.

My stepmom is fantastic. She is going to call me every night at 6 to do the we won't have a drink tonight pledge, and in 2 weeks we'll see how we feel. You know what, I wanted a buddy. Now I have one. I know she is also true to her word. I had a really great talk with her and I am pretty hopeful now.

I had a vegan crepe for brunch with eggplant (which I don't like but Sage's knows how to make it yummy) and whole garlic cloves. Garlic's a good healer, good for the blood. I got gluten-free pasta which is suppossed to taste good. We'll see. I am drinking mineral water with coconut water ice cubes I made in a wine glass. Step mom is doing the same at her home.

~Smobergirl

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