Freaking out.

...But not giving in.

Om nama shivaya..."Namaḥ Śivaya has such power, the mere intonation of these syllables reaps its own reward in salvaging the soul from bondage of the treacherous instinctive mind and the steel bands of a perfected externalized intellect." ~Wikipedia

Yes, I have been a hypocrite and when I would relapse, I'd usually think I just could control the drinking and my behavior. That's junkie thinking. I'm pretty much a typical drunk. I just want to have fun and be tipsy from the wine, but then the 'depressant' kicks in and that's when my destructive behaviors start. I have a ton of non-alchie drinks here and that's helping. I have this tonic water that I found at the Boise co-op. It's claim is that it uses a healthy sweetener (agave) and Peruvian quinine. Pretty tasty. Of course then there's my precious iced coffee I have decided to hang on to. New goal: If the cravings get so bad, I will give in to anything but alcohol. I'll stick to a relatively healthy diet and drink tons of water, but I mean at night anything goes. Burgers, cupcakes, fries, even if I crave a salad I'll do anything not to drink. I'll take 7 baths a day, drive to Ogden and back, rent a porno (actually that was a joke, but...). I just can't risk it anymore and I have a serious problem I have made into a ritual. Whew. Okay I feel much better. Now I want a cupcake and a porno.

~Smobergirl.