...and then I just exploded in tears.

My step mom is texting me twice a day checking up on me. I'm going to be okay. I need to love and take care of myself now. Perhaps be really selfish for a while. I am done feeling guilty and worrying so much. I tend to make things bigger than they actually are. I don't like to be angry at anyone but step mom said my old job deserved my drunken hate emails. But of course she sides with me. I was so upset because that person is not me. Like I said, Jeckyll and Hyde. I'm actually pretty nice and even shy sometimes. I used to say yes to everything. Now I think it's healthy to say no once in a while. Now I need to work on the worrying. I just caught myself having a worry moment. Most people, I think, fear somebody. And I also think most people do not believe we are good enough. If I don't drink I won't embarrass myself anymore. I think another problem of mine is worrying so much what people think of me. I think most of us are good at that too. But I also blow that out of proportion. I also knew a girl who is beautiful, funny, and talented. But she drank every night and always made a scene. I felt sad for her. Ironically a year later I would turn into her. I really believe to be careful what you think about. I was on the radio in 2005 and played a DUI attorney ad. I thought, "I do not want another DUI". Guess what happened two weeks later? I know some may think that's hooey (I love the word hooey) but I do believe in the power of the mind.

I just wish I didn't feel so alone.

~Smobergirl