Day four.

I haven't digitally harassed anyone since last week, but one of those peeps came to byte me in the ass today. Karma. This person says that everyone in the state knows that I'm a drunk, and I'm too old to keep doing it. This person is also 19 or 20. Stuff came out. I felt like dying but not of said comments, although that triggered the feelings, that I wouldn't feel so broken if I never started bingeing in the first place years ago. It's easy to blame others, like alcoholic grandfathers, but I did it to escape and feel good, not to hate email people. That came with the consequences. I started to 'what if' myself again and think where I'd be now if none of this happened. Would life be better? Would I be more respected? Would I have a better job or have more art shows? This is day four and I realize I am detoxing, and crying my butt off is going along with those consequences.

I've been doing Bikram yoga for a week, and the last night I binged I nearly threw up the next day in class. I decided to choose Bikram over bingeing. I feel calm, stuff comes out, and I tend to eat healthier. the exception of today when I felt so awful that I downed a grilled cheese sandwich and chips in 3 minutes flat. I rented several meditation videos which have been helping me through this. I'm just so danged sad again. I think it's reality coming back at me as well as an emotional detox. Sweating out of every inch of my body sure helps too. Fer sure, dude.

I have everything I need. I still have fun, creative jobs. I know many people, at least 1/1000 of the state, who don't think I'm a loser drunk. It's also a shame that substance users are known as terrible people, even us soft-core winos, and not known as people with health problems. I am only crazy after that sixth glass then I usually pass out. Judgment goes out the window when you drink, yet we still crave it thinking we'll act differently next time. It's called addiction. Hear that young man? So after wanting to jump off a cliff I went to a downtown park instead and instantly felt better getting back to nature. I highly recommend it.

My young dictator is too young to know better. However that comment is helping me stay smober for sure.

So after the evil grilled cheese and potato chips I made this healthy snack I found on a healthier, happier website. That would be Health.com.

Cut a zucchini into rounds and place on a platter. Then stack a sun dried tomato, a dollop of goat cheese, and chives on top. Drizzle with olive oil and devour. So awesome.

Day cinco tomorrow and Bikram on Sunday.

Love,

Smobergirl