It's probably the depressant.

There is this show on BBC America called "You Are What You Eat". A nutritionist takes the obese, puts them on a plan, mostly fruits and veg, then 8 weeks later they are transformed. Not only do they lose weight, but their skin clears up, their diabetes goes away, and every single person I've seen on that show says their mood is lifted, they have no more swings, or depression. I know this is the same for alcohol. I am filled with anxiety, I am sad and lonely, my face is red and blotchy. I'm just thankful that I am a good observer and I'm not wrapped up in my junk. Wow, put a 1/2 vanilla bean in a pitcher of water. It's delicious!

I saw How To Train Your Dragon 3D today and I thought it was phenomenal. It made me cry. It snowed today and that fit my mood. It was actually comforting. I miss the house I grew up in. It has a fantastic view, and it's in the mountains. The snow would be so pretty up there. My brother and I would get in the hot tub and put snow on each other's backs. That was the life. However here's an inspirational quote~ "These are the good old days". I need to start making it so. I know the physiology of alcohol and cigarettes, I can personally change my life by omitting the anxiety, depression, and bad skin by myself.

~Smobergirl

Stuff really coming out.

I'm falling apart. I relapsed. The lonliness is worse. I've been mentally cursing society and people. I'm sad, I'm not hungry but seeking a cafe to be around people. Is it the substance or me making me feel this way. I'd like to blame the depressant. If I ever get out of this hole, I hope to read my past like fiction, and to prove that there is a better life out there.

~Smobergirl

My tea tastes like pot!

Ever been there? Okay, so one day at a time. I tend to get moody in my recovery, so if want to do a yoga marathon for 90, 30, or two days; eat raw one day and chicken wings the next, so be it. I thought I'd have the perfect plan to a recovery, but I'm just going to go by each day's mood and incorporate one serving of fresh fruit and veg to do something good. It is FACT that my mood elevates when I cut into fresh fruit. Just the smell alone does it.

I am tired today and don't have a lot of energy. Maybe it's the weather (I know it's the detox). It is so blustry and cloudy out there, not common for Utah. Usually snow or rain would come with it. And we usually don't get a lot of wind, even though we did have one tornado about 15 years ago.

I'm still aware of what bad food does to my body and how it makes me feel. I don't think I'll go back to foods that put a brick in my stomach long-term, but one day at a time for now, and if I really want a wino and cig session, if I want a bad food instead I will go for it. A sour stomach is better than any hangover. However, like I said, I promise to eat some good with the bad.

~Smobergirl

The good with the bad.

I picked up one of my raw books again and I'm incorporating that into my diet, along with cooked vegetarian food. I had a Morning Sun smoothie from Living Raw Food by Sarma Melngailis (www.oneluckyduck.com). Then for lunch I had brown rice pasta with roasted red pepper spread, basil, and green olives with a big salad. Not so bad, but I caved two days ago (not with booze) and had fried chicken at a Thai place with my AA friends. AA peeps seem to eat poorly, and smoke. I'm trying to be a pillar of health.....eventually. I want to keep my mood up, but indulge once in a while. I'm afraid if I go all the way with rabbit food and exercise, I'll keep bingeing to balance it out. Am I making any sense? LOL I don't think I've been making sense here and there anyway because of the detox. I get a fuzzy head or lose interest in life, and still try to improve. Maybe I should slow down.

~Smobergirl

AA activities are like LDS young men and women, but we're all recovering addicts and coffee is a requirement, not a sin. I really warming up to these guys, and today is my first activity with them. Laser tag!! Woot. I'll give you a full report.

~Smobergirl

Stuff...

Kickboxing with Gilad sure helped yesterday, but now I'm having more emotional stuff coming out. (breathing) I know the answer is to let go of my fears and regrets. There is nothing I can do now.

I should have a sponsor by this afternoon. I am not doing the 90 in 90 right now, I am just going to meetings when my new friends are going. There are also AA activities coming up that I'll go to that sound fun, like a dance and laser tag.

It is very warm and nice outside today. I should take advantage of it.

Oh I had a dream last night that there was a Hot Pockets drive-thru.

~Smobergirl

I may be crazy enough to skate in the park today. It's one of the nicer days during the winter/spring transition. I have good spirits today, and I feel that this is mostly a clean eating day. I had a handful of globe grapes this morning, plus my black iced coffee. I just finished an early lunch of an apple, toasted almond, and arugula salad with a grilled veggie sandwich. I'm off to the store to get zucchini for raw noodles. I bruched the dust off of my raw books and I'll play around with those for dinner and snacks. Kickboxing is on the menu also today, along with guitar, French, and Michael Pollan.

~Smobergirl

Emotions

Yeah, it's 1:07 am. I just watched a Utah band play Jimmy Kimmel. I interviewed them many times on my old radio show. I was so happy to see them on national TV. Then I started to tear up and feel bad for my cantankerous breakup with the station. I seriously need to get over the stupid things I said and get over it. I went to a meeting tonight, thanks to a girl I met through an AA buddy. There were stories told that made my situation seem saintly. This was a young people's meeting and I actually knew a few people there. I think I have a sponsor and I'm calling her in the morning. I had to go home right after and do kundalini yoga, practice guitar, and of course see my friends on the TV!

Speaking of yoga, it has not only helped me but others through their recoveries. There's one guy who has classes at his drug treatment center.

Food-wise, I cannot wait to see Jaime Oliver's new show this Friday. There was a premiere last Saturday and it was sad yet powerful. I am so thankful that a celeb has stepped up to change food programs in schools! http://abc.go.com/shows/jamie-olivers-food-revolution

~Smobergirl

Taking the AA thing seriously again. Funny how I'm flip-flopping. I found myself still going to my favorite places with wine lists. Those are now going to be cut out. And I'm not going to like it. Unless I can work it where I go to those places for lunch only because I don't drink during the day. I also may weed out most of my friends for a while and not call my mother at night when she is drinking her wine. Then I'll make as many friends in the fellowship and hang with them. Don't worry, the AA friends I do have now are very cool and not brainwashed. And I weed out the ones who make me uncomfortable. I feel pretty excited about this actually. I'm meeting two friends now for coffee and maybe a movie. They are my age and are pretty cool.

~Smobergirl

Relationships.

Sometimes I think I have it down, then I look back at what I said and it looks silly. But in the last few weeks I have observed some things that seem important to me, but now I'll look back at them and see if I'm just being silly.

I have just observed, and this isn't new to me, relationships and some seem to click and others seem to end in turmoil. It's just an observation in my recovery, and maybe it's because I'm trying to resolve the perfect relationship, when there probably actually isn't. My point is, and I will learn this myself, (and actually I realize there isn't a simple answer) that I've seen couples who get married and they live happily, and life goes on. And now my question is answered. Life is different for everyone. Because I'm going on to say that there's another couple who has complications, and me who is still single. We are all different. Sorry, I was going to whine how everyone is happy except for me, which isn't true. Now I'm speaking gibberish. There are all types. Only a handful are truly happy, some are not sure, some marry for the wrong reasons. My parents did. I was 15. I found my mother's wedding dress in her storage unit today and I took it to the cleaners. I think that was a good deed.

We can't cry about anyone else's happiness, but we can create our own happiness. It's not about marriage, but what makes us happy. Am I making any sence?

~Smobergirl

The Frontrunner trip was today. Fun train. I ate at Roosters and had some great baked cod tacos, got my mom's double gourd and now I'm almost back. Started craving but I'll run get dinner then maybe go to a movie, take a bath, or practice guitar and read a Michael Pollan book for class. Food, especially sweets, really help the wine craves, but I try not to over do it. I've ben really good with working out. On Thursday I did an hour of Gilad. Iissed him. Ha ha.

~Smobergirl

Good karma coming back. I'm in my car and my favorite Peter Gabriel song "I Have The Touch" just came on and when it ends it will be time for my guitar lesson!

Bad Karma

If not for my health, I think I finally learned my lesson that 9 times out of 10 I will find someone on the Internet or email to bash. I kept trying to drink "normally" and I can't. I keep thinking I'm a lonely loser and I'm absolutely not. I just burnt out and wanted people to come to me instead of myself making the effort.

So I'm at a favorite cozy cafe after cleaning out my mother's storage unit for an hour this morning. It was perfect. It was lightly snowing outside, I had a hot tea and the best fresh stir fry I've had in a long time. Then I noticed sitting to his back to me very well could have been one of those I drunkedly pissed off. I tried to make amends a while back but he just said adios muchacha. It was someone I really liked, but he just needed a shoulder at the time and I got the wrong idea. Then he found the perfect girl and I was broken. So my perfect lunch turned into grabbing to go containers and sneaking out of there.

People make enemies on purpose every day sober. If I stayed that way I would not intentially make any at all. I want everyone to understand and forgive me, but AA says usually only alcoholics understand alcoholics.

Well that bump is over and I'm back to my perfect day. I have a guitar lesson now, I may ride the new train to Ogden to run more errands for my mom (she's bribing me, and bribery will get you everywhere) then there is a gallery stroll tonight!

~Smobergirl

So, yay. I might have been the only one not drinking last night. I drove home from dinner and there were police everywhere, and it was only 9. Watched American Idol reruns and went to bed. I was sad because I really like Lacey. I hope she goes far.

~Smobergirl

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I feel lucky that I stayed smober last night. It was just a little and not a lot tough, because I was aware of several consequences. I may be finally waking up. I had red globe grapes and an open-faced fontina, egg, and asparagus sandwich with a side of fresh greens for breakfast. Had a cheese craving. I have a music event tonight to keep me out of trouble, I hate green beer anyway. ;)

~Smobergirl

I'm gonna throw up.

No, I'm sober. I picked up dinner and watched TV until 9. Then I had a craving. So I ate a block of parmesano reggiano and drank two glasses of water. Now I feel sick. But I'm sober!

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl

Today is my Saturday. I went to PC unintentionally just to eat Wild Oat's salad bar up here. Wise choice. I ate outside in the sun. Feeling good. Going to check out a new boutique up here. The drive alone is very meditating.

~Smobergirl

Beware the Ides of March!

Or should I say beware the ides of wine bars? Sadly, I can't go to my favorite haunts anymore. I'm sure AA recommends that. I tried going to one last night and freaked out after 40 minutes. I need to admit that I'm not as strong as I think I am. I also ran into the girl dating someone I used to like. That was a good lesson. And I'm not chopped liver either. It's really silly to get blotto over anything. It's a temporary fix, and you usually feel worse afterwards. At least I do. And I focus on me now, not guys who didn't like me romantically.

Healthy food today: A bowl of quinoa, pesto, and red pepper flake; and a sliced Persian cucumber with cayenne salt. I still make and enjoy my own cold pressed iced coffee. I'm bringing a bottle of kombucha to work today. Then I need to find a nightly meeting.

~Smobergirl

I also learned a lesson today. I'm not crazy. There are loads of alkies who want to so desperately stop but can't. Like my friend I called today, he said he's been in AA since 2001 but only has a year and a little sober. I came in with the idea that everyone in AA just stayed sober like a light switch. How's that for crazy thinking? He told me it's none of my business what others think of me, and they may or may not understand. I just need to let go. What else is cool as heck are pets. I curled up on my Love Sac this morning just wanting the earth to swallow me whole. Then kitty, who hasn't done this in years, crawled up and slept in the crook of my knees. My stress level went from paranoid to relaxed in 6 seconds. They know.

I can't do it. I'm the girl with all these brilliant ideas and I can't follow through. I will tell you this, being a vegetarian, especially a vegan or a flexitarian really worked for me. I felt happier and had a ton of energy. It may not be for everyone, but it's good mdicine for me. Now I have just this one more hurdle. My mind is very manipulating. I always want those two glasses of wine. But it's never two. I am too lonely and scared that I just go ape on the vino. I have a theory on the bi-polar behavior: My contraception. This has happened one time before when I drank wine on the pill. Called my boyfriend at the time who was at a female friends' house and cried. Now I'm on Depo but maybe this is the same deal. I get hormone overload and have violent mood swings. That and I let go of stuff I bottle up. My AA bud just called and I feel 85% better. I am getting my butt into the program again, and I got another yoga monthly pass at this closer place by me. So I'll be doing 90 in 90 meetings, but maybe 30 in 90 yoga classes. I got that Jillian Michaels DVD three days ago and my triceps still hurt! lol

Thanks again for reading and your support.

~Smobergirl

Grrrrr!

I just did Jillian Michaels' (The Biggest Loser trainer) "Yoga Meltdown" for the second day in a row. Feeling pret-ty sore and tight. Endorphins are up. I'm eating amaranth cereal with freshly cut pineapple and orange. There is nothing like feeling healthy. The benefits are definitely there. One, I feel awesome. Two, I've lost some 'bra fat' under my armpits, and my jeans are looser. Since my class has been reading Michael Pollan's "In Defence Of Food", I have really cut down on the dairy and I'm pickier where I eat out, and I've been making lots of watercress and butter leaf salads. I also got Jillian Michaels' Kick Start supplements last week, so that may be helping also. Now, you know I'm a big natural medicine buff and shy away from corporate fad supplements, but I trust her, and decided to try it. It's only a two-week system with probiotics, a fat burner, and a cleanser. I'm not feeling anything weird, yet.

Good times today. I'm going to pick up a Leonard Cohen song for my guitar, take my lesson, hen get a massage! Woot.

Make it a great Friday!

~Smobergirl

Yoga Day one.

I tried out a new studio this morning that's really close to my place, and it was great! There were about six other girls in the class, and they were all really cool. I got a monthly unlimited pass which is only $40 for newbies, bonus. Lunch was relatively healthy. I grilled up asparagus, sauteed brussels sprouts, made a watercress salad, and some crostinis with fontina and proscuitto. I'm giving in to salty cravings now, but eating as many greens as I can. I's all about balance.

Stuff REALLY came out.

Good goodness. That's LOL all I can say. I seem to cry in the bath a lot for some reason. My old station was swimming in my head, and I freaked out for 10 minutes, but I'm fine and relaxed now. I am learning so much from this journey. I mean my outlook on life is so much better than it was in August. I just wasn't lucky or right for that job. But I'm cool as hell, passionate, talented, and I learned today that being kind is better than anything else in the world. I helped a local band today hopefully get a gig and offered to emcee a benefit they are doing. Maybe I'm supposed to be a bum so I can help these bands. I love having a flexible schedule! And helping people out is better than getting any rock star wages. I kept thinking that I worked for nothing because I made peanuts when my fans thought I was getting rich, but I don't care anymore.

Okay I wanted to get that out. I made a great snack of baked sweet potato slices.

~Smobergirl