Day 197

200 is on it's way. I've no desire to drink. I think about it sometimes, actually like today, then 1, I remind myself I'm on Antabuse and/or/then I realize how I don't want to live the aftermath. I'm actually smartening up. I do find myself replacing it with sweets or shopping, but I practice moderation in both. Okay maybe the big-sale weekend got me a little crazy, with Smokey having trouble walking again on Saturday. It's bittersweet because he seems just as happy as ever. I'm the one being sad and worrisome. I'm learning to chill. He's just a big sweetheart. However I do have all of my holiday shopping done and then some. I did work up a nice red zit by the corner of my mouth too. Oh well.

Oatmeal, home-made iced coffee, barley soup, oolong orange tea, mushroom ravioli with marinara, air-popped popcorn with nama shoyu (raw soy sauce) and brewers yeast, in that order. 24 oz. water, some of it with lemon juice. I am craving more peas strangely. Those frozen bagged peas taste sweeter than usual, and I really liked them. Sweet, that's what I'm craving. And I'm almost out of local honey. ;)

I'm catching up on the yoga reading and I dig all of the books: The Bhagavad Gita, The Yoga Sutras, and The Key Muscles Of Yoga. I am required to meditate morning and night, which I haven't been doing. So I've gotta take this seriously. When I do it, I really get into it. Everything. The reading, asana, jappa, pranayama, and meditation.

Smobergirl

Brrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Okay I'm being dramatic. I love Winter, when I'm looking at it from inside somewhere warm. I am thankful I have this cozy condo, as well as a car with butt warmers. Like the braids? A buddy of mine said she does pigtails to get her hair out of the way of bulky sweaters and coats. Good idea. When I actually put effort into doing my hair I think of an article I read in a quit smoking brochure, "Other things to do besides smoking: Create a different hairstyle every day!". So there you go. And since it's a bit damp it should look...interesting when I take the braids out. It's a Russian Roulette hairstyle, sometimes it turns out great and sometimes frightening. :)

So Bandit attempted to sit outside for a second. He lasted about three minutes. Smokey...I am just so relieved. I know he can go any day now but he is happy. He is damn happy just to sleep and eat and be pet and poop and drink out of a kitty fountain and lay down a lot. He's a scraggly old man but he's my scraggly old man, and perhaps the sweetest. I am cherishing every moment I am with him. Bandit is being cool. He minds his own business but once in a while he just smells him and walks away. It's kinda cute.

I am thankful for a plethora of things in life. For one, that word, and two, living within blocks of Caputo's Market and Deli. There was a hella storm yesterday all stinking day. I was running out of food so I made a trip and got Tony's freshly made marinara, and some mushroom ravioli, aaaand some fresh herbage. It's a beautiful market, you should check it out. Oh and the deli is pretty spectacular too. I am so spoiled. My little Subie made it to the store and back just fine, on a Sunday afternoon. Thanks Caputo's for being open on Sunday! The only person I don't have a Christmas present for (yes, during the whole Smokey thing I didn't drink, but I managed to buy everyone's Christmas in two weeks) is my dad. Of course. And now he quit drinking the signature bottle of red is out of the question. But you know, there's more thoughtful things I can do, like a Caputo's gift basket. Ha ha really, I am thinking of giving to charity and putting it in his name. I just want to make sure I pick a ligit and good one. Maybe there's something local?

Well my braids and I are going to finish pinecone ornaments and my mom's Anteater Russian dolls. She always had a thing for ant eaters. I got the plain dolls online but I'm sure most craft stores would carry them.

Oatmeal with chopped green apple, chia, flax, walnuts, and honey for breakfast. Ravioli, mushrooms and peas for lunch. I just threw frozen peas and shrooms in a skillet.

Smobergirl
Day 196

Day 195

Brrrrr! Holy crap what is up with the -2 degree weather this week?

Smokey is being a doll. He is a very good cat. Since he had that emergency he hasn't had any 'accidents'. I put out a microfiber blanket that he sleeps on, which is more often than under the bed now. However he is my old man and he can go at any time. He's still 5 pounds even though he eats like a horse and his poor eyes are glassy. I am trying everything in my power to handle things as happily and peacefully when he goes. Not going to be easy of course.

I have been taking the Antabuse every other day still to stretch it out. To answer your question if I drank two days after taking it I'd still break out and my throat would still swell up. I still think about wine but I haven't had a fierce craving for...well I can't really remember....August?

Breakfast was Rasin Bran at the Hyatt where my mom was staying for the holiday, with OJ in the cereal, and grapefruit sections in the cereal, and 1/2 banana just by itself. Lunch was leftover edamame and tofu lettuce wraps from Thaifoon, with added brewers yeast and cucumber slices. And UFO Dust. Screw Ayurveda I still like firey spice. ;) Dinner was a ricotta, mushroom, and garlic calzone (I didn't eat the bread. No offense but it doesn't taste as good as it used to. But the insides were top notch) with a side salad from Este Pizzeria. Oh yeah I had an afternoon snack of a roasted garlic bulb. I saw it on the TV and I happened to have one handy. I can't wait to smell myself in the morning. I also had a dandelion tea. Remember way back like day 50 of this blog (not days quit) when I said it was a good liver tonic?

I am very tired and I'll let you go. Just wanted to keep in touch. Thanksgiving was wonderful and I ate very smartly. I have been craving a little sweet here and there. I am maintaining my weight. Feeling good. I am starving now but I'll make up for it manana. Just had a handful of almonds. I have decided to eat salmon 2x3 times a week. I know the whole controversial fish issue, I just need to play that one smartly too. So it's a trip to Aquarius and maybe their expertise can help. I just want to eat more protein.

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Smobergirl

Day 189...being thankful.

Day 200 (which is a big deal to the quit-smoking site Quitnet.com) is 11 days away. I find myself thankful for many things tonight. I just pulled up the covers on this snowy day and I am grateful not only to have a bed and a roof but for the beautiful nature we have. It's also a full moon tonight and it looked gorgeous above the East Salt Lake mountains. I have a picture from 1980 of the snow on a tree in my back yard that I am using as a bookmark for the Bhagavad Gita. I am thankful that we can choose our emotions. I am thankful for coincidences and synchronicities. I am more than grateful for my cats, my tinsel tree I've had for six years that I just put up with all my Hello Kitty and owl ornaments, as well as the pinecones I decorated. I am not ashamed of my HK collection. It keeps me young. I am thankful for loving parents and a kick-ass brother even though he doesn't know it. I am thankful for my health and yoga practice, which have been so beneficial. My skin looks great and I caught myself bending awkwardly with no effort into the depths of my pantry today. I'm like, "How cool am I?" Wish I had a photo. I am thankful for my soft sheets and heater, the chantarelle and portobello mushrooms I had for dinner and the popcorn while watching the newest episode of Dexter. I am thankful for Michael C. Hall. I am thankful for the investing tips my brother doesn't know he's given me. I watch him then use his examples. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle who give me a $50 check for Christmas and birthdays even though I may see them only once a year. I love that I get to play music at weddings and events for good pay. I am thankful for forgiveness and the act of being able to change for the better, and I can't be more thankful for the outcome.

Love and peace,

Smobergirl

I'm still six months!

I've lost 20 pounds since August and I notice a difference and I definitely know I look better with out alcohol and smoking. And oops I think I said 30 on Facebook. Ah, let them think that. j/k I feel awesome and I'm getting a boatload of compliments. I love it. Even one friend said my energy shifted. It was totally worth it. I even feel younger. I need to keep up the yoga because it gives me so much strength, flexibility (can you say reaching the top shelf and picking up lucky pennies with ease) and calm. Holy crap I can live off maca and yoga alone. Lifestyle is so important for your quality of life. I kept thinking today about bingeing, and I can't even bear it anymore. My life is so much better and easier now. And I'm hot. Thanks very much. Yeah do you like that outfit? Ha ha. All gifts, I have everything I need. I really do. And I am positive you do too. Just get creative.

Cat is, I think back to normal. He looks very chill and his personality is definitely back. That is not him but The Bandit my little model. Smokey stays under the bed (which is a Smokey trait in general) so I can't tell how weak or strong he is. He is a frail old man though. I am crossing my fingers that he'll go peacefully in his sleep when it is time. Don't we all? Again, I can't predict if he'll last a week, month, year, etc. But I am so relieved. Oh and P.S., the vet said I had to inject the antibiotic pills into his mouth forcefully and he wouldn't eat them just covered in food. He wolfs everything down so quickly that he did it today with all of his pills. Big relief #2.

Well I can't be happier on many accounts. Bandit finally drank out of the pet fountain, so that has not gone to waste like I thought it had the last few days. And he's sleeping in the $10 Petsmart special leopard bed I got for smokey. Smoke is not a really big bed guy, I should know this by now. So both cats get spoiled. I think Bandito was jealous there for a while. Have a wonderful Thursday tomorrow. Utahns, take advantage of perhaps the last 50 degree weather day of the year. :)

Love,

Smobergirl

Six Months!

You know it. Glad to be here. The last 6-months quit was in 2003, and it flew by because, haha, I wasn't making a big deal out of it. I'm glad I'm at that mark again. I have been "celebrating" the last couple of months so I haven't really splurged today. I've been spending, but on holiday gifts and the cats. Smokey is as fine in his head as it gets now. I think he's back, but he's been frail for the last 3-4 years. I am relieved, and whatever happens now I will accept, and I can let him go whenever he needs to. I spent $800 on vet bills plus another $100 on food and toys. I just think he may make it at least a month and probably more this time. The little guy always surprises me. Bandit is enjoying the new cat bed I got for Smoke, and finally drinking out of the vet-recommended fountain. Smokey always preferred the floor or shoe boxes. He's pretty low-maintenance.

So, I've been kinda bad. Eating Ginger soup with a roll and a vegan espresso chip cookie with iced coffee before yoga training. I am kind of in the dumps actually and I hope it's the residual Depo Provera. I'm just waiting for it to wear off now. Had the last shot in August I think. Not in the mood for training, I'd rather be watching Undercovers which I am recording. But I always feel better after the class.

Namaste,

Smobergirl
Six Months

Day 181

Woot. Six months on Wednesday. I'm going to Disneyland. I wish.

Smokey came out of his 'vegetable' state and he's his old self, but looks like a tired old man. I don't know how long he'll last still, but it's good to see him like this. The fluids and antibiotics are working. I get to play nurse now. His favorite thing ever is getting brushed, and he had a 30-minute brushing session today. I am his personal masseuse. He's also eating and finally started drinking water when I put it in one of my glasses, which of course he'd rather drink out of instead of the cat water bowl. Oh, it's definitely Spa Smokey in the bedroom right now.

I can't control my lip gloss problem. I got a brand for my mother as an early Christmas present, and decided she wouldn't like the color because it's too nude so I kept it. https://www.thebalm.com/makeup/plump.htm

Then I found the perfect color for her yesterday, bronze, then I decided she wanted a plumper and this one is not a limp plumper. http://www.lauramercier.com/store/shop/Lip-Gloss_Lip-Glac%E9_prod190018 I am the worst daughter ever. I did get her Lip Venom a while ago, so I have at least done the job. I just thought it would be nice to get her more, but since my quit and dying kitty, I'm in a self-hoarding phase.

Smobergirl

Smokin' Joe he know.

Smokey had a near-death experience two days ago. His white blood cells sky-rocketed, the vet said it could be the big "C" word. He has spent the last two days on a catheter and IV at the vet. Then it got better and worse this morning. The cell count went down but then he got a fever and had a hard time breathing at the vet. Then...when I picked him up at 6 tonight he was actually moving, perky even, glassy eyes and sunken cheeks disappeared. He is now under the bed where he belongs. He has the IV in still with fluid running under his skin. He's eating like a horse. The doc does want him back in for one more day at least, then I'll probably play nurse on Sunday. However I am prepared for anything, he is an old man, and I become more comfortable with death the more I experience or almost experience it. If he died, I would not smoke or drink. I have come to the point where I know it won't make me feel any better. I still can't anyway on the Antabuse. I have a month left then I will probably renew for another six months. I haven't had a craving in weeks but I want insurance. Plus my new vice is honey, and honey pecan gelato from Ciao Bella. So back to Smokey. I got that phrase "Smokin' Joe he know" from a song called "Green Mind" by 90s band Dink. It's a one-hit wonder. So one of his nicknames I have for him is Smokey Joe He Know. Strange nickname, I know. He's still smokin' for now. I'll keep you posted.

Smobergirl
Day 180 in less than two hours.

I learned something today...

...I really did! Karma, totally. I learned how to sit down and shut up in yoga teacher training tonight. Ha, actually it was about loving yourself, which was exactly what I needed. The big thing that came up for me was people talking behind our backs, which of course that is what I was worrying about. In tonight's lecture we also learned about "energy vampires", whom we all probably know one or two of those. So that was cool. I have forgiven myself and I am completely at peace now. I was unnecessarily suffering in my own head. That's certainly not healthy. Neither is eating almost a 1/2 of a white rustic baguette. Bad idea. Emotional eating on the way to class may have taken place there...

Oh yeah we did learn actual teach training too. It was really fun cueing everyone in Surya Namascara B (that's a sun salutation) even though I forgot half of the Sanskrit words for poses. It's hard! So I'm reading up on those tonight and reading more of the Bhagavad Gita.

Speaking of white bread, I am doing the 40 days of personal revolution with a friend, and white bread is a no-no. It was so tasty with my 5 bean soup though. Okay no mas. :)

Smobergirl.

I feel totally mellow after 1tbs honey and a little plain yoghurt. Go Ayurveda. ;)

Like bees to honey

So, according to Ayurveda (we took a few classes at yoga teacher training) the best thing for my dosha type, which is Pitta, is raw honey. I can do that. I didn't realize how delicious honey is! I got this one at the farmer's market a couple of months ago. The worst thing for me is spicy food, since Pittas are already "full of fire". Which sucks, because that's all I eat. lol. I'm serious, I'm one of the biggest chili heads I know. Well, if ayurveda is serious business, and especially for yogis, then I am willing to cut back and see how I feel, see if it is important or mumbo jumbo. Until then I have no problem savoring spoonfuls of raw honey. :)

Smobergirl
177 Days

Stinkin Thinkin Pt. 2

I worry what people think of me. I am stuck on worrying that I ruined my reputation by sending hate emails and posts. I did it for about a year then it stopped last Spring. All of them were under the influence of alcohol. I remember having a text spat with an old co-worker and he wrote, "Put the wine glass down". That hit pretty hard. The thing is, I'm not normally a rude, psycho, hateful... and I have been kicking the dead horse for almost six months. I messed up, get over it. It actually helps to stop after distructive thinking and think what is actually realistic. Most of the peeps at my old job know, I think, that I don't lash out like that. But I was hurt and I was very drunk and so, in turn, I got very pissed off. It helps to get this out. Again thank you, the reader, for viewing my blog. I hope to influence you today to be aware of your stinkin thinkin of it happens to pop up in your head.

I am listening to Radio West on 90.1, and local artists Cathy Foy and SLFM are on. It will rebroadcast tonight at 7. For those of you who don't know, I have a local band radio show, I've hosted local broadcasts for a total of seven years. These two girls are very special, Cathy is one of the best drummers in Utah in my opinion and is coming out with a solo guitar album actually; Jessica (SLFM) plays a distorted ukelele with a pedal. Check the show tonight of you can.

All I can do is be present and keep doing what I do best, opinions aside. I need to think of my 18-year reputation instead of one year of going apeshit vengeful on the internets, correct?

Smobergirl
Yes it may be a stupid name to some of you, Bill B. Get over it. ;)

Better crash so I can make an 8 am yoga class. Need more asana for mood. Love and peace, Smobergirl

I am happy alone. The grass is always greener. There are benefits to being single and being with someone.

I pissed people off in the past. And all I can do is let go and forgive myself.

Forgive Me.

I took a walk and am at peace now. Texting so keeping these short.

Breathing.

Hello. I have not really admitted that I was going crazy for the last two weeks when I started the yoga teacher training. I had some sad feelings come up this afternoon, but sat on the trusty Love Sac Rocker and did some breathing exercises. It's amazing how they work. However I kind of want to get stuff out on this blog and not hide how I have been feeling. I calmed down instantly. However, I don't know if I should treat this blog like a journal or sugar-coat some things, because sometimes I want to get really deep then I see people who say they read my blog. The purpose of the blog, or one of them, is to want people to read it, right? During my yoga weekend workshop in Park City with Baron Baptiste I felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could stop me. That was about two weeks before my brother's wedding in September. Then about three days later karma just flipped. I was irritated with people, I wasn't getting my way, I got sick, stuff that was bothering me was still lurking. Oh, then the past guilt with the whole Facebook angry drunk posting came in full-force. It was like the workshop just brought up more shit, and a lot of it, right to the surface.

And the killer thing is, I had a weird and bad feeling in my gut NOT to get my teacher training. I was going to do an experiment starting mid-Summer to only do things my gut tells me to. But would that lead me to happiness or laziness? Not to point fingers but my mother egged me on to do the training as well. She even is helping me paying for it. I'll be 40 in June and I try to please my mother. Can't get a full-time radio gig in a 18-year span, I've been a full-time volunteer for 1 1/2 years trying to get my name out, trying to do the better good. I was so lonely today, 2 1/2 years hardly dating at all and definitely not getting any, not by choice, that's when the freaking out happened around 6 pm. I LOATHED most of teacher training the first weekend. Would you like to know what I learned? How about three things: 1. That if my right nostril is more open than my left in the morning, especially on a Tuesday, Saturday, or Sunday, I should get out of bed on the right side on my right foot. 2. I should avoid spicy foods because I'm a Pitta and therefore I'm a 'firey' personality. and 3. That I can't write any notes down if the teacher does not explain how to spell every other sanskrit word. Did he say "darma" or "tharma"??? "Krishnalu"? "Uttabadakanasana"? I was ready TO BAIL by day two. Seriously. Then weekend two wasn't so bad. Well, we had a class a week from Monday and that Thursday so I should say by Thursday I felt a thousand times better. Mainly because that was anatomy, a language I could understand. Then last weekend was more about actually teaching yoga. I am so not cut out for this especially if I'm going to be resentful. Buddha would not be pleased. Okay now all of that calming breathing has done absolutely no good. That took about 15 minutes.

..........................but I'm not smoking or drinking...........................

Six months will be on November 17.

I'm going to practice guitar, which is one of the more relaxing things I like to do. I may have another cry, I may not. Why did I try to be a radio jock for 18 years if I wasn't cut out to be full-time. Why do I hang in there? I know people like me. Everyone sees that that person is not cut out for it except for that person. The music director at the U in 1995 told me I lived in a fantasy world because I wanted to be the next Fiona Apple. So that stuck with me. Am I just not realistic. How in the heck do I think I can be a yoga teacher? And how long am I going to crap on myself, yoga, and the media in this blog? I think after 18 years I'm freaking burnt out. I'm done. Dated every guy out there. Tried 'making it'. *shrug*. Then there's my 15-yr old cat who keeps pooping on the carpet and he failed a jump on a counter today. He had a very sickly moan but I haven't taken him to the vet. We went last Spring and he was just fine. He's an old guy.


So that answers my question. Dear Diary. Now you all know mostly how I have been really feeling in the last month or so. But venting does help along with breathing. I am learning some valuable information at yoga teacher training, and the strange and 'useless' stuff to me is starting to tie in with the solid stuff. But it is kind of like a religion I was not quite prepared for. It's pretty intense. I am choosing to keep it up.

Pictures. Wild rice with no-bean hummus from "Rawvolution". Yummy. Painting pinecones with nail polish for my tree. It gives a pretty glossy finish and it's my 'recession' ornament idea. Real Simple also suggests making a packing peanut garland. Kinda shabby-chic. Now I'm going to play guitar and convince myself I'm not mental.

Ah I missed my shake today but did have maca in oatmeal. So maca can't suppress hormones all the time I guess. I just had a day.

Smobergirl
Day 176

Stuff came out, so played "Let's Go Surfing" by The Drums. All better. ;)

Heck yes! Just made $190+ at the consignment shop by giving them my "fat" clothes. lol

Being good cutting down the caffeine. Iced green tea going on.

Better now

171 days and I am feeling pretty spectacular despite the fact that I still have insomnia. That's been going on for about a month. I also have a slight cough that's been going on for 2 1/2 weeks. I freaked out last weekend during teacher training because I was scared of the religious aspect, but I think I am good with it now. I was skeptical because my instincts were saying get out, but maybe I'm just afraid. I had dinner with some of the fam tonight (Dad's birthday) and they were excited to have me teach them. So that got my blood pumping. I really think that this will be darned good self-help too. I have kept the weight off, and I'm even eating more cheese and bread, which I will be more picky on selecting like local and freshly made. I get compliments all the time. It's awesome. I still don't know if stopping drinking has contributed to it. A friend swore it's true. She said it took her about two months for her metabolism to speed back up after quitting drinking, and then she lost a ton as well. So, that could be it along with not eating out as much and making crazeh shakes.

1/2 cup frozen raspberries
1 packet chocolate protein powder
maca, chia, hemp, flax
1/4 cup water
2 fresh plums

Going to try and get zzzzz's now,

Smobergirl