Insomnia continues...since September.

Stuff.

Detox crying. Hope this is healthy. Part lonely and part just to cry. Paintings are good on a lighter note, going into a popular cafe next week.

Turn around, bright eyes!

Holy crap! A big lesson in loving who you are. Ha ha, it's not me, I've just dealt with a lot of judgmental or mean people in my life. I have to tell you something wonderful and crazy.

I have to thank my new bod and attitude for this one. I was at Tin Angel Cafe last night, when I saw a good looking guy with two friends look over at me. When I was about to leave, he came over to my table and introduced himself. He was kind and sweet, and was there for the Outdoor Retailers convention. He and his married friends were visiting from LA (which is hysterical because every time I go to California I seem to meet nice, handsome men) and asked me to hang out with them afterwards. I introduced them to The Bayou, and he and I totally hit it off. We couldn't stop chatting. Ten minutes after they dropped me off he texted "So what do we do now?". It was sad because his plane left this afternoon, but I quickly remembered that I'm going to visit my folks in Palm Springs next month. Eureka!

I have never been so excited in an extremely long time. This guy seems genuinely honest, sincere, and thrown by me apparently. His friends are down to earth and really cool, all about my brother's age, a few years younger than me. Risky or not, I'm going with this one. Heck if I could teach yoga in California that would be swell. I could skate on the beach. It's a possibility my brother and his wife will move there. I'm just having this huge fantasy in my head, but we'll start with next month's vacation. More importantly, he says I'm hot, and that we clicked, which we absolutely did. No one night stand, no judgements. The three of them insisted to see my art and I took them to Q Clothing at 10 pm to peek through the window. They are absolutely chill and hey they're outdoorsy folk. Hate to say this but maybe us Utahns are weird. I shouldn't say that. I feel my life is really getting well-deserved karma here so far by quitting.

Smobergirl
Eight months, one week, and one day.

Stinkin' Thinkin' (Cont.)

My yoga teacher had a really bad day, and most of it seemed like it was her just beating herself up. It's obvious that she gets more people in her class than any other teacher at that particular studio. There is probably no one more caring than her whom I know. She works hard and is extremely passionate about anatomy and what is best for a healthy body. So why?

I then got my wheels turning today. I was kinda picked on in school, always the C student, had to stay after in class a few times because I didn't understand something or didn't do well. Then in junior high this 'theme' started. People would hear I exceeded in something, in piano or diving or art, to find out I wasn't that spectacular at it. I remember a teacher at Theater School For Youth told me regarding being cast for a scene, "You are it? I was told you were one of the best actresses in the school". When I was hired by a popular Utah radio station in 1993, the PD told me, "I thought you had more control." So can you blame me when I don't think I'm good for any man I like? One old boyfriend told me I wasn't a 'go-getter', another told me to be a business major because art and radio won't pay the bills and that I "don't have to lose weight, but if you want to go to a gym...". So it came to the point after my two unsuccessful dates in a row earlier this year, or one date and one booty call, (and hey at least I HAD 2 dates this year already! But I guess that was before their disappointment...) that I actually asked a few friends if there was anything wrong or dumb about me. They said no. Yogis practice living (or say they do) (or they should) live in the now but I guess I am still sad. That one night stand, for a one night stand, was so intimate for me, then 3 hours later I get kicked out and never got a phone call. It's like should I know that was going to happen? Did I stay too long? Is it because I asked to sleep over that freaked him out? Listen to me, I'm making it all about him. Like I said in earlier posts, I also have a thinking problem, it wasn't just drinking. Another yoga teach said I need to get out of my head. True dat. Sensitive, caring people ( and yes I think I am one of them) tend to get their feelings hurt easily. And who do those people think they are? My poor teacher was torn between vinyasa yoga and being told she should do traditional hatha, apparently. I personally prefer vinyasa flow myself and I hate that argument on traditional vs power yoga anyway. Is it me or do we consistently all seek approval from others and don't trust ourselves. I have to shut up because I answer to me, and I think I'm pretty gosh darn spectacular. My thinking had sure been smelly there at the start of 2011. Here's to being more fragrantly pleasant. ;)

Thank you for letting me vent. I'm still smober and healthy. Yoga was great today, my teacher kicks ass wether she knows it or not. At my art showing I got huge praise, also for my physique because I lost all that weight. (I was dead sexy, never took one photo). Today I did a lotus posture standing on my head. There may or may not be a picture of that.

Bon nuit,

Smobergirl
8 months and 6 days

Patience.

Cleanse is going fine. I just have to be patient. I had a salad and a juice for lunch, then after my radio show I was STARVING! However the lunch was tasty. SaIad: Avocado, tomato, fennel, kale, arugula, 1 olive, lime juice. Juice: 1/2 cucumber, 1/2 grapefruit, 1 celery, 1/4 cup water, 1 meyer lemon. So after the radio show my habit kicked in and I ran and got an ice coffee (I'm supposed to have only tea and water) and I drank about 2 ounces. I've had 2 glasses of lemon and mint water. I guzzled the rest of my morning shake (I made a lot this morning) and I'm roasting sweet potato wedges and portobello caps. I feel satisfied by drinking the powder shake. That cleansing stuff is very filling. Need to be patient. Note to self.

You know what I realized? I kinda eat a lot and my weight is normal. My nice male friend who's kinda cute texted me today, "Have you seen you lately?" He just made my day! But my eating hasn't changed a ton since I quit drinking. I just quit drinking! I am just thrilled. People call me "Ms. Skinny", "Hot", "Gorgeous", and I eat. I eat not like a model or a size 0 girl. I'm a size 3 actually. But you know me, I'm eating mostly right. And since I got that panini maker HOO boy, I eat bread and cheese-a-plenty. Grilled cheese and tomato soup I still can't live without. My mom used to call it "girl cheese". Then my brother would get upset that there was no "boy cheese". Didn't scar him too much though, I think.

YUM!!! I'm doing a happy mushroom and yam dance. All it is is olive oil, Himilayan salt, and garlic powder. The mushrooms are juicy and the yams are sweet, and I don't have a desire to dunk them in my favorite BBQ sauce. Funny, Didn't really want the coffee neither.

Smobergirl

Not Just Juice Cleanse Morning 1:

Cashew butter
Coconut oil
vanilla extract
agave nectar
Cacao powder
Water
Banana


Pretty darn tasty. www.oneluckyduck.com is where I'm getting the guideline. I'll make a salad and juice for lunch.

Salad:
Arugula
Avocado
Heirloom tomato
Garlic
Fennel
Lime juice
Himilayan salt and cracked pepper


Juice:
Cucumber
Grapefruit
Kale
Mint
Orange or Lemon


Snack:
Spicy almonds

My dinner plan is zucchini or cucumber 'noodles' with home made raw marinara and pesto with a green apple, celery, mint, and lime juice. It calls for spinach but that's a matter if I get some.

Smobergirl
Day 246

Here it comes...

Cramps!!!

I know, the blog y'all have been waiting for. I quit Depo Provera last August, and it takes a few or more months to get "Aunt Flo" back. The last week they have been sneaking in, the aches. So I'm actually happy. I am thinking my weight loss could be partially due to getting off of that contraception, for most make you bloated. I feel happier. The anxiety is definitely down. I still have girly hormones, but jebus I'm a girl. So yeah, being off booze, cigs, and that drug makes me feel whole again. Life is good. I never wanted a period so badly in my life. Which reminds me I have no tampons.....

I prepped for the cleanse and drank a huge cup of hot lemon water. I did kundalini. www.mayaspace.com. I love her. I am soaking almonds in the fridge and I have out coconut oil, vanilla extract, and cashew butter for my breakfast shake. I am very blessed to be able to choose to eat healthfully.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

P.S. A friend last week said, "So you are sotally tober?". I may have to change my name to Sotally Tobergirl. Or not.

But I will do my own version of the cleanse and not spend the $500-700+! looks so easy to do at home.

This looks great for a cleanse. I think I'll start on Monday too.
http://oneluckyduck.com/news/2010/10/31/the-cleanse/

Day 245 is sweet.

I love fruit. It's a huge mood-booster. I also love chocolate, curry, and sushi, and artisan cheese, and good bread. I had a fun day snacking, and last night I ate way too much, in part because my friend at Rice fed me his favorite dishes. I found a container of cleanse powder from last year (is that okay?) so I thought starting on Tuesday I'd eat only fruits and veg for 3 days and finish the powder. It has been done and I didn't die.

Speaking of fruit, I found frozen cherries at the grocery store. I put them on top of Tempt hemp frozen chocolate dessert with oats, raspberries, and walnuts. I read that cherries and walnuts can help you sleep. That was my dinner basically. For brunch I had a Greek platter at Eva with olives, feta, hummus, flatbread, and tzatziki. Then I had Rice's leftover yellow curry this afternoon. I had a Vegn energy bar at 5 pm then the frozen dessert when I got home. I loved those cherries.

Did I post this wavy hair photo yet? My mother gave me a waver for Christmas. It's fun!

Smobergirl

Front 242

I mean day 242. Do you know that 80's/90's industrial band?

I'm still 130 pounds and I still feel awwwwwwesome. I went to power yoga today, subed by a pilates teacher so it was cool to do her spin on it. Then I fast-walked the treadmill for 20 minutes. I try to walk 20 minutes every day because Rodney Yee told me to. I puffed out as much as I could for you to show the difference between now and when I started. My stomach bloat is waaaaay down. I feel so confident.

I had a banana (and iced coffee) after yoga and a bottle of water. For lunch I made here a big salad of a bunch of ingredients! Ready?

Kale
Green onion
Bleu cheese
Fennel
Crimini and oyster mushrooms
Pepitas
Frisse
Celery
Heirloom tomato
Mint
Tarragon
Flat leaf parsley
Dill
Hemp seeds
Ground flax seeds
Pumpkin seed oil
Lemon juice



WHEW.

I feel energized and very happy. What boys? ;)


Smobergirl

Day 242

New resolution: Go to every yoga class I say I will. Felt so good this morning!

Maybe...

Just maybe my 'time O' month' is going to come back, hence the sensitivity lately. That's definitely a possibility.

I made tzatziki for my neighbor today, this time with mint, and it was so great! She made dal and wheat tortillas. It was awesome. Indian neighbor=good.


Breakfast was oatmeal with blackberries, maple syrup, and walnuts.

I painted another tiny owl which I will take to Q Clothing today. I'm showing my art there right now. It's my first art show!

My prescription should be transferred to the pharmacy I go to shortly.


Just enjoying the lazy day. Got my yoga practicum tonight. I am continuing to appreciate and use what I own, instead of wanting. The orchid doesn't count. :) Still a bit empty-feeling from that guy, but we have been 'poking' each other on the FB, then I made a really bad poking joke. That's me. I'll be here all week.

Smobergirl

Going to get a $20 orchid from Tropical Palms on 300 S. My wine bottle sub for the day.

Lessons to learn. Need to accept mistakes and not bash myself. I didn't ruin anything and did what I wanted at the moment.

Waiting to get liver test and another 6 mo. refill. Feeling better and way chill.

I'm not crazy.....(institutionalized!)....

There. Had a hard time titling this one. "FUUUUUCK!!!" and "He didn't call back pt. 2" and "Hi I'm still in high school" came in close. I'm not drinking and can't and don't want to.

By the way my new Lovesac couch kicks ass.

*head in hands* I am trying to convince myself that I am not a moron. The second flirt, well this is a man I could really get into. Maybe. Tall, hot, giggly, thoughtful, independent. Well, we had coffee. Went great. Then later we met at his place and 'didn't' watch a movie. It was hot. Mind you, I haven't had any for one to two years, I've lost track. It was just euphoric. Then I may have fucked it up. He was so tired from the day, and probably also from our couch wrestling. I opened my big mouth and said, "I can stay here". Then it got awkward. Then I opened it up again and said he can stay at my place anytime because his work is across the street. Dead silence. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Walk to the door, I tried to kiss his cheek and he went right in for the hug. Hasn't called. I think it's because either he's not the committing type or I freaked him out, or both? A playah? A: I'm lonely and 5: It's been a long time since I've been interested in anyone or anyone I like has been interested in me that I A: Opened my mouth like that and 2: Have been crying in the bath, in bed, on the new incredible couch and to three friends in the last two days. And 3: Hardly eating. Stomach is in knots. I made some delicious baked sweet potato fries and now they are cold. Had like 8 bites of Trader Joe's rice medley, fresh avocado, and basil. Still taking maca though, which apparently is not balancing my god damn hormones. I'm blowing this up, I'm a drama queen. Did I tell you that beating myself up is one of my favorite sports. I had fun, and I need to get on with my life. Want to know why I started drinking in the first place?


I don't even know this guy and I'm having a tough time. I think listening to Gary Jules' version of "Mad World" is not helping. What am I doing?? I know exactly why I'm like this. It's been a very, very long time and finally a cool, cute guy likes me. We have a great time, then wham, what happened. This is when the self-esteem goes down, I'm worse off than before, I'm more sensitive than before. I'm usually a crier but this is stuff coming out consistently. I am really trying to push it away. Then again he could very well still be interested and is playing the cool, macho game. Which I FUCKING HATE. What happened. What did I do. What didn't I do. Mama always said don't put out too soon or he'll lose interest. No, she really did and I believe she did so last week. Maybe I should halt the dating for a while if I'm going to freak out like this.


Smobergirl
Day 240

Just got last 10 pills of Antabuse. Need to see doc for another 6-month dose. It's savin' me!

Great morning! Back on the health track.

I'm reading up on my detox drinks, and I found some with fennel! Hm, I happen to have a bulb so I made this baby. P.S. lime makes ANY green drink taste better. That or a green apple.

1 persian cucumber (or 1/2 a regular cuke)
sliced fennel, 2 oz.
1 celery stalk
3 kale leaves
small bunch parsley
10-ish terragon leaves (happened to be in my fridge and sounded good)
1 lime peeled (easy way: slice the peel off)
1 tsp maca powder
1 tsp chia seeds
1/4 cup water


Yum! Really.

Smobergirl

Best night ever!

I just DJed a wedding for eight and a half hours. I drove home from Heber in a snowstorm. I didn't get fed so at 1:30 am I had the brilliant idea to get chicken and waffles at Bayleaf and share them with Bandit. Best night ever. I was 'supposed' to stay up at the Homestead in Heber where the wedding was, but I got a wild hair and wanted to come home to my kitteh. I didn't starve, actually. I had a shrimp and a bite-sized artichoke tart and 2 bottles of water and I was cool. I was very busy, juggling a mix of salsa, country, and hip hop; but it worked. And the cutest kids ever hung around and checked out my 'cool' laptop. That was worth it! I actually was going to die at 11:59 when it finally ended (I started at 3:30), and I lugged my equipment back into my car by myself when everyone disappeared to the afterparty (DJ not invited). The wedding started an hour late. That meant an extra hour of socializing, meaning an extra hour of me playing cocktail music, before the wedding, dinner, and dancing music. There was a miscommunication with the bride and I made a few nit-picky mistakes. She smiled the whole time but I hope deep down I didn't ruin her night. It was the first time that I seemed to disappoint the bride and the groom at a gig. I was concerned. Okay I wasn't the happiest camper, so that's why I wanted to go home. I'm going to bed with my makeup on now. Okay maybe not. At least I got paid, and didn't die on the road. I didn't think it was supposed to snow today, but it is beautiful in the valley. Kids, don't drive on the road at 12:30 am down a scary canyon, mmmmmkay?

Smobergirl

Sexy Back

Wasn't it Prince who said, "Sexy never left!"? Anyway I'm too tired. Just wanted to make a point about lacy underthings. They rock. Trying not to shop at all this month for clothes and my dreaded lip gloss out of control buying, but The Rack sucked me in today (it did, a vacuum pulled my car into a spot and sucked me into the store), and I found the cutest pink V-day themed boy shorts ($3) and push up bra ($9). That's a bottle of cheap wine right there. So yeah, Nordstrom Rack, adorable underthings for insanely cheap right now. Go get 'em. Self esteem boost: $13 and change including tax. ;)

Smobergirl

Love and yoga and grilled cheese and stuff.

Stuff definitely came out today, more so in a very long time. I went to yoga tonight and cried all the way home. Yogis say sometimes twists and hip openers can bring out emotions. It was kinda a crappy day eh? However I knew how to calm down. I freaked out over not emailing the bride my playlist today so she could weed out songs. That's what she asked for. It's going to be time consuming, and is that disrespectful? I hope she's not mad. I think I'm in a state where I just wanted to take care of me today. I realize I freak out much more than necessary. It's this pattern: Freak, realize it's probably nothing, chill. It's good, as an old shrink taught me, to write down a 'demented thought', then write down a realistic one. Makes ya feel better. So does a candle, and even more importantly grilled cheese in your Christmas panini maker!

Crusty chibatta (yeah it's white bread sue me) with parm, white cheddar, and this stuff on sale at Whole Foods. Basil and tarragon, 1/2 an avocado. Tomato soup. Booya: Comfort dinner! Now I can sleep like a baby.

Seriously, I'm so thrilled to get into Tin Angel next month. (art showing) Painting is a meditation, and my savior right now. I even enjoy it more than my mobile DJ stuff because there are no expectations. I don't get nervous about if I'm pleasing anyone. If I do it right I could get paid as much or more even. And people love my art. I think that is more rewarding than saying, "Oh this is my favorite song!". Maybe I should rethink what gigs I should and should not do, maybe being more selective will be better for my well being. There is this gig I do every year that's the only one I get full gratitude from and that's Queer Prom every Spring. The kids have a ball and I have a partner so I don't get all the pressure. And watching kids in the minority be in an environment of love, respect, and fun is more rewarding than painting anything.

Smobergirl

Joan thought men were second best to masturbating in the bath.

Ahhhh. Who needs a $180 Rabbit when I have a $1,700 jetted tub? Don't worry it only took 5 minutes and not an hour.

I seriously need an attitude adjustment. Sure I have the same emotions as everyone else, I just need to be smart. I have a lot, physically and upstairs in the cabeza. I am grateful for all who I am and all that I have. My hard times are valuable lessons. I almost got competitive, wished to disappear, and burnt out there for a few weeks. I am a hypocrite because I tell other people to enjoy life and appreciate all that they have. One very valuable thing I have is meditation and exercise. When I freak I can choose to sit my ass down and focus on my breathing for a few minutes. If you google meditation there are plenty of free sources and ways to do it. Or....if you have a spare $1700.......

I worked with a holistic therapist a few years ago, and her main goal was making me love myself, even literally. "Have a date with yourself" she'd suggest, meaning dinner, a movie, and self-pleasuring. Besides yoga I don't have to tell you that it's a fantastic emotional release. What I also love is a 'sex songs' CD my friend gave me several Christmases ago with anything from silly to romantic, to downright crass tunes. Go make your own, or I'll give you my playlist:

"I Wanna Sex You Up" Color Me Badd
"Incense And Candles" Prince
"F*** You Tonight" Notorious B.I.G.
"Erotica" Madonna
"Afternoon Delight" Will Ferrell
"Lay Lady Lay" Bob Dylan
"Lover Lay Down" Dave Matthews
"Wasting Time" Jack Johnson
"F*** Her Gently" Tenacious D
"Freeek!" George Michael
"Freak Me" Another Level
"My Pony" Ginuwine
"My Neck" Khia
"Sexual Healing (live)" Marvin Gaye

Well I hope y'all enjoyed that dirty little blog there.

Love,

Smobergirl
Day 231

Sad Bandit.

There's a problem. Since the 18th of December I have been depressed. I don't know if it's the bad holiday food I've been sneaking in, eating more refined sugar and more iced coffees, doing actually less yoga, or all of the above. I'm taking yoga teacher training, but I wished I waited because now I found a place much closer to me. I made many excuses not to go to a class up there because it's a drive. Deep down I'm sad. I've been sobbing about once-twice a week. Like when I was drinking, sometimes I want to do nothing. I take 1-hour or more baths. I sleep in. I stay up late. I'm lonely. I mean it's crazy. Or do you think my emotions are changing because the Depo Provera is wearing off? I'm not gaining weight. I think that proves that the alcohol really put on some poundage. I had 6 bites of a salad and 1/4 of a rice medley in soup, then I went straight to the frozen coconut milk dessert. had about seven bites now I'm back to the salad. Something in the back of my brain is nagging me to do a cleanse. I think I will.

I'm also stressing over a wedding I'm DJing this weekend. I always get nervous then it always turns out alright. It's just the people who drink too much and demand music I don't have that bugs me. Sometimes it's life or death with these people. I thought I'd get assaulted for not having Earth Wind and Fire at one wedding. Seriously.

I'll live. More asana and meditation. It is a savior. I'm going to drive my butt up in two hours and I will feel better, dammit.

Smobergirl

Kick me in the asana.

Happy New Year! I did not: Quit coffee, drink nothing but juice, or do yoga yesterday or today. I was weepy, a little irritable, and lonely as all...Heck as we say in Utah.

I learned a great lesson about expectations. Don't have any! :) I had a NYE date last minute. We were supposed to wait and have coffee or go to a concert this year, but on the 31st this man, whom I've had a little crush on for three years, texted "Any plans for Rockin' NYE?" I flipped. He didn't really ask me out but I said I could come to his work and do something after. He seemed thrilled, even his co-workers were giddy for us. We went to a dive club of my choice. It was non-pretentious and a friend of mine was the DJ. I wanted to dance but my date said he was really good....after a few shots, which he didn't have. But we talked all night, planned to hang the next day, aaaaand oops I haven't heard from him since. That kinda sucked. And I'm such a moron I even called my mother and a friend validating that there's nothing wrong with me. But I'm better now. The last five NYE's have kinda really sucked actually. But you know what? This is my first sober one and I'd say the best out of the others. AA is absolutely right saying "my worst day sober beats my best day drunk". I don't remember last year, I think I was at home with two bottles of vino. Two years ago was THE WORST ever: I was alone and my hairdresser invited me to a bar with her friends. Only to show up after 11:30 when I waited for them for two hours. I was already plastered, and stumbled home for ten blocks. I called a friend from the bar earlier, slurring, asking him to pick me up. And that ruined our friendship because I liked THAT guy two years ago, he's LDS, I'm not, and he seemed disappointed in me....and I will spare you the rest of the details. We did make up and are good friends now. NYE and Valentine's Day have that magic of making you feel like a sorry-ass if you are single. Oh yeah I wanted to drink last night and this afternoon, but it wasn't the Antabuse that stopped me. In fact I haven't taken one since the 30th. I think I grew up and realized the consequences would be really shitty if I gave in, on many accounts. Then what would be the point of this blog? :) Could I be somewhat cured? I was tempted but I really so do not want to go back to that place. Hooray!! Best holiday ever? Aren't those flowers gorgeous? I got them to make my place look nice for my date when I made him breakfast. Oops. At least I can enjoy them. That green one didn't bloom until this morning. It was a total surprise. Whole Foods. They come in a big bouquet.

I'm glad I've been busy. I painted up a storm yesterday and I made some really cool stuff. Today I wrestled with my new Love Sac couch, and my friend picked up my old one this morning. The covers on the new one are insanely soft. Problem is they are a pain to get on. I drove to Fashion Place just so the sales guy could help me with one of them. Four down; three sides, one base, one cushion, and one pillow to go.

Still a bit sad but I'll live. Plus I have another flirt in the wings. No expectations this time. It is amazing how you yourself can make or break your day. My friend Becky gave me a meditation candle for Christmas, and I just got in a Rodney Yee yoga DVD from the Netflix. I also have a coupon to a nice restaurant. The rest of the day should be better. More asana and meditation, and I'll go veg and drink craploads of water tonight. (instead of coffee which I have been doing)

Happy 2011!

Smobergirl

Day 230