There. Had a hard time titling this one. "FUUUUUCK!!!" and "He didn't call back pt. 2" and "Hi I'm still in high school" came in close. I'm not drinking and can't and don't want to.
By the way my new Lovesac couch kicks ass.
*head in hands* I am trying to convince myself that I am not a moron. The second flirt, well this is a man I could really get into. Maybe. Tall, hot, giggly, thoughtful, independent. Well, we had coffee. Went great. Then later we met at his place and 'didn't' watch a movie. It was hot. Mind you, I haven't had any for one to two years, I've lost track. It was just euphoric. Then I may have fucked it up. He was so tired from the day, and probably also from our couch wrestling. I opened my big mouth and said, "I can stay here". Then it got awkward. Then I opened it up again and said he can stay at my place anytime because his work is across the street. Dead silence. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Walk to the door, I tried to kiss his cheek and he went right in for the hug. Hasn't called. I think it's because either he's not the committing type or I freaked him out, or both? A playah? A: I'm lonely and 5: It's been a long time since I've been interested in anyone or anyone I like has been interested in me that I A: Opened my mouth like that and 2: Have been crying in the bath, in bed, on the new incredible couch and to three friends in the last two days. And 3: Hardly eating. Stomach is in knots. I made some delicious baked sweet potato fries and now they are cold. Had like 8 bites of Trader Joe's rice medley, fresh avocado, and basil. Still taking maca though, which apparently is not balancing my god damn hormones. I'm blowing this up, I'm a drama queen. Did I tell you that beating myself up is one of my favorite sports. I had fun, and I need to get on with my life. Want to know why I started drinking in the first place?
I don't even know this guy and I'm having a tough time. I think listening to Gary Jules' version of "Mad World" is not helping. What am I doing?? I know exactly why I'm like this. It's been a very, very long time and finally a cool, cute guy likes me. We have a great time, then wham, what happened. This is when the self-esteem goes down, I'm worse off than before, I'm more sensitive than before. I'm usually a crier but this is stuff coming out consistently. I am really trying to push it away. Then again he could very well still be interested and is playing the cool, macho game. Which I FUCKING HATE. What happened. What did I do. What didn't I do. Mama always said don't put out too soon or he'll lose interest. No, she really did and I believe she did so last week. Maybe I should halt the dating for a while if I'm going to freak out like this.
Smobergirl
Day 240
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