The issues.

I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover last night where a man went from 498 to about 203 pounds in a year with the help from the TV show's personal trainer and a clean diet. He could eat meat, just flank steak instead of fattier meats, no sugar, and of course tons of veggies. He did slip back into fast food and soda after losing about 100 pounds, and the trainer asked him what issues he had. I believe most of us abuse a substance because we are very unhappy about something. He said he was abused as a child sexually, and later he opened up to say he is homosexual. This man was obese most of his life and said the last time he was 200 pounds was in 6th grade. It got me thinking that when I crave for my wine and cigs that I am usually lonely or upset that I've been a part-time celeb instead of full-time and that I'm not good enough. It is so sad how we don't know how to love ourselves. I'm having an emotional day from watching that and I learned a lesson and it opened my eyes again. I don't consider myself being over my issues. I lost this 25 pounds then I see a picture of myself from last week and I thought I looked fat, to be honest with you. I'm 5'6 and 130 pounds. I want to be healthy and not abuse my body to be skinny. I am walking more, and I feel I do have weeks where I'm not walking on the treadmill at all. I just need to get to those Zumba classes or sign up for something else that I enjoy. My sadness is leading to procrastination. But when I crave I stop and say, "What do you think you are thinking?" and list other things to do right then, healthfully or fun, to make me happy. Calling someone is a good one. Funny movies, baths, iced coffee or tea, dancing, and window shopping are good ones. Or reading on the treadmill, or Gilad. I wasn't abused but I have a few childhood issues. Even Lady Gaga said on national TV weeks ago that she's still scarred from being bullied as a kid. I admire her for opening up and being an inspiration to tons of people. She is a 'mamma'. She calls herself "mamma" or "mother monster". Why is it so hard to let go of stuff like that? It's really crappy. Mine are similar to Gaga's scenario. And it's big to me. I couldn't shake that since I was 6 that I was "stupid". Even when I got my first long-term (part-time) radio job in my 20s I was teased behind my back, and in front. I remember my boss saying, "You're not stupid, but on the air...". Yeah. But I am good at what I like to do which back then was commercials. I'm an actress and I rocked my commercials. That's only what I should had been doing. Then I tried getting them through agents but Utah doesn't seem to have a lot of opportunity in that department. I would love to do voiceovers full-time, or cartoon voices. Dream job! I only liked being a DJ for the fame, and when I played music I liked, like local bands. I love having them come on my show and play live. So that is my message. Do only what you love, or try. So here is a summary of my issues. I know, I'm brave, but if I can get over these then I'd like to be an inspiration:

Feeling stupid
Feeling fat
Feeling white (ha ha)
Feeling stupid

Did I say feeling stupid? I wanted to make sure. I'm laughing and feeling better already. I'm actually realistically almost over that hump. The fat one I need to slap myself around a bit. If it takes weight lifting and running and dancing until I'm satisfied, so be it. It's like I want to put all of my aggression into being a working out maniac. And I can.

I may have said it here but I remember clearly how this feeling stupid thing came about, and there are several instances. I was apparently a genius as a baby. I read the paper when I was two and I was just this brainiac. Then, this is my mom's story, I went to the dentist when I was 6 and got the laughing gas. She said I spasmed and "Everything went downhill from there." Exact words. Great, now I'm shaking and crying. I said it was an emotional day. My grades plummeted in first grade, and I remember going out to recess and asked two girls if I could play jump rope with them. They said no. This was a pretty big deal to me. Kids then started making fun of how I looked. Sometimes my mom, bless her heart, would dress me up really nicely when I just wanted to wear jeans and shorts like the other kids. I'm sure I looked really pretty and she has a great knack for fashion. She just sent me some beautiful lace shorts, a cover up, and a lace slip for my birthday trip. I love my mother and she is a fantastic role model. But that blunt truth about the dentist killed me. I'm like really? I could have been on the cover of Forbes if that didn't happen? However I am pretty danged creative and talented. I am not a moron. I think I turned out okay. So back to first to fifth grade. I had one friend basically. And she was kind of an outcast too. She is now married and also normal! We hooked up on the FB of course after a hiatus. First grade was tough, like I had to stay after school to write a report on a bird I didn't finish and I cried the whole time. In second grade I was caught by my teacher for calling my mom at the front desk because I wanted to go home. In fourth grade I specifically remember a day when a teacher held me back from a special lunch because I was slow on a project. In fifth grade my friend and I got teased on a tire swing and a boy spat on me because he thought I was a rich snob. I never showed any attitude, in fact I pretty much avoided everyone as much as possible. Then the acting bug happened and all of the sudden I had friends. Again, doing what I wanted to do. We had to do a book report and I found a book on plays. I asked my 5th grade teacher if I could put on Pippy Longstocking. Of course I starred and directed it, I was an awesome director, :) My mom made the best red braids in a clothes hanger and outfits for everyone. I was a superstar and then I switched schools!

I was switched to a private school and the teasing and mediocre to bad grades started all over again. A boy threw a baby-sized snowball on me and said, "Here's your baby". Nice. And I sucked at tag. I hated tag. I had three friends this time, which blossomed to about six, and they were misfit toys too and the biggest nerds, but we had the best times ever. We created a Dr. Who club (Tom Baker series) and we had a party where we dressed up. I was the tardis and I had the coolest painted refrigerator box ever. We would draw our own tardises that were actually our school lockers. We had swimming pools in them and they were basically bad-ass mansions. Good times.

I could go on and on. This is why I started this blog. It's my journal and my therapist. And it's free! I don't mind sharing it with you and it makes me feel a ton better, especially if I can inspire you. You are okay. I am okay. Life is what you make it. You know how crazy lucky we are to be here? Food grows for us! And it makes us healthy and strong. We only manipulate it to make it otherwise. We have pets! There are animals made for us to be our loving companions. My cat is a freaking miracle! He found me and never left. He is my special therapy as well. We can dress up! We can share. Life for others can be up to us! I want to share with you. And now I'm crying tears of joy. If I am slow and dumb fine. I am human I'd rather say. We come in all forms. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I'd rather make people happy than be rudely drunk. No one owes me anything, and I am not a victim like I thought I was. But I do know the reason behind my madness. I was so so sad. This sounds diabolical, and it is, but I would drink and smoke then get the crappiest hangover the next day. By the afternoon after crying I would coddle myself and say, "It's okay, I love you, and we will never do this again." Then I'd feel euphoric like I was going to make a new start, then I'd do it all over again. Vicious cycle indeed. Kids can be mean. Teachers can be strict. Mothers can dress you funny. We are all just human. I love you. And I love me too, sober and smoke-free.

Smobergirl

Day 393