See the blessing in everything.

Good Saturday to ya. Yeah that's all I can do right now. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud that I finally stopped drinking and smoking this long and I plan to keep it up. But I have been DOWN this week! That's the best way to describe it. I'm anxious, dramatic, chatty, lonely, guilty...I mean week four is magnified emotions week. I'll have to ask the Q (quitnet) about this. I have a theory or three. 1: I'm naturally psycho. 2. Smoking dulls or kills nerve cells and maybe my nerves are coming back in full force. 3. It's me 'facing reality' sober and a shitload of 'stuff' is coming out of the woodwork in my crazy brain. It hasn't been cool. I have dreams of people shunning me, and in the real world I mentally abuse myself. It's been pretty craptastic. However, according to my hero Deepak Chopra, it's healthier to be the 'observer' in your life instead of getting wrapped up in situations. So that has been helping, to sit back and say, "okay, this is happening. Just try to relax or what can I do to make this a positive thing?". This week has just been high anxiety and I sure hope it is not the Antabuse. The doc wants to see me after taking it for 4-6 weeks so I will bring that up.

Snacking today. I'm starting to drink a cup of hot water with lemon the last two mornings. Having a home made iced coffee and I'm going to attempt to make my own Arnold Palmer without the sugar in lemonade today. I made cold-pressed iced tea. Then I'll add juice of lemons and agave nectar. I'll give you the report. I got these Allium flowers three weeks ago and they are still in great shape. And they are edible! Really pretty in a salad. I also made a berry smoothie with chocolate green food powder. It's one of my favorites. I love the chocolate-berry flavor and they look so pretty.

References to wine keep popping up but that doesn't bother me as much as the anxieties of my own performance and personality in general. The TV show Barefoot Contessa had a cooking with wine episode. Last week Bobby Flay did grilling with wine. I bought Wine (colored!) lip balm the other day. That stuff doesn't freak me out. I was kinda 'wining' about it but it's not making me want to stop taking Antabuse so I can cook with wine. But I will see if the Antabuse is causing the weird dreams and behavior.

~Smobergirl