Day one.

I'm sad but hopeful tonight. Of course I am sad, because I had my last wino and Nat Sherman bingeing session last night. As most of us know, alcohol is a depressant, and I am sadly too familiar with the side effects. So naturally, I felt sad today. Then there's the cigarettes, which mainly give me anxiety the next morning after my alone closet parties. Of course they probably do due to all of the heart-racing chemicals and then some.

You see, I have been feeling might lonely since I turned 31. This was in 2002 when I broke up with my millionth boyfriend, this one was bi-polar. He decided to tell me that he was during me breaking it off, as a plea that the excuse may make me stay with him. It didn't work and I was tired of being followed to public restrooms, being called stupid when I drove, and what broke the camel's back was being accused of kissing someone else when I got a cold sore.

So anyway I was the girl lucky enough to find someone to love shortly after a breakup, but unfortunate enough to not have them last. They weren't all crazy, all of them just obviously didn't turn out for one reason or another..

In 2002 I was waiting for that next guy. Nothing happened for about 6 months so that's when I discovered that drinking two glasses of wine on my patio with about 10 imported cigarettes was calming. Then shortly after, 2 turned into 3.....you get the picture. Recently I can down 1 1/2 to 2 bottles of vino a night. And the thing is that I romanticized it because it's wine at my comforting home. I did go to a therapist three years ago who asked me if wine was my boyfriend. Yup, it definitely was.

I've been seriously struggling for six years, and tried just about everything except for rehab. But I am going to try a plan, and blog here every night so I can *crossing fingers* stick with it. I have been watching a lot of nutrition shows on Discovery Health and FitTV, and reading a lot of health (mostly girly, but still seemed informative) magazines. In the last 5-10 years a lot of nutritionists and beauty products have been promoting what you put in your body reflects your outside appearance, as well as how you feel. I was in the cosmetics industry for 5 years so this has peaked my interest. I also have testimonies of getting softer skin and a calmer mind by drastically cutting out my meat intake, losing 10 pounds in 2 weeks just by eliminating dairy, (believe me, not eating cheese sucked ass, but I sure looked and felt better) and now trying to stop drinking coffee.....which could lead to my alcohol and cig cravings....

I always read in stop smoking brochures that one shouldn't drink coffee. I always thought it was because perhaps it was a trigger. But I discovered something. I didn't drink coffee for five days and not once had a craving to drink and smoke. Then yesterday I O.D.ed on the java, and felt so anxious, and I was upset about a stupid issue, that I had no hesitation in totally caving.

So this plan isn't concrete yet, but it might go something like this: (AND YES IT'S INFLUENCED BY THE MOVIE JULIE & JULIA. But I imagine girls all over the blue marble are being influenced the same as I. There is no problem trying to make something better of yourself.)

1. Staying clean and taking pictures of myself once a month for a year.

2. Getting off the coffee one month from now, cutting down slowly for the next 30 days.

3. Experimenting with different types of food and how I feel after eating them, and how I look after eating them long-term. Maybe trying one specific diet a month, say vegan, raw, pescatarian, and lean meats.

I'm 38, have a radio job that I love but doesn't pay, have a high interest in nutrition but contradict it by smokin' and a drinkin', and have a great imagination but never seem to follow through. I did get accepted back into the U of U as a communications major (news broadcasting) and a nutrition minor. Someday I would like to have my own health show on NPR. That would be lovely. That or be the next Nancy Cartwright. Yes, I have always had unrealistic goals, but I was a successful commercial pt. time DJ for about 14 years. That wasn't too shabby, and it was actually extremely rewarding. I also just picked up the classical guitar. Now I don't excpect to be the next Esteban, but it's a hobby I enjoy. I also like doing yoga and started hitting tennis balls vs. a ball machine at the U.

Another fantasy of mine for the last three years was to write a book about the food-mind-body connection. So I am doing it now, starting here, to also help me with my addiction.

Here goes, today I am 1 day smober, (by the way that's smoke-free and sober melded together) but the food experiment starts in the morning.

Thanks for reading!

Smobergirl