Appreciating what I have

It's a fun game, really. I thought I wanted to try a $10 lunch for Dine O' Round today (last day) but got invited to Dad's to swim and have brunch. Then I thought I wanted an iced mocha on my way home (damn you coffee and sugar) because I had a 20% coupon at this downtown joint, but I went home instead and I made a chocolate 'milk' of cocao powder (useless trivia: cacao and cocoa are the same thing) and almond milk. Use the blender, it doesn't mix with a spoon. Watched the premiere episode of Dexter Season 7 (They are making up for the last two by a landslide! So far.) Then made some fat Italian noodles (1/2 cup) in olive oil and sea salt. I saved about $13. Sweet.

Then this morning I pulled out a pair of hardly worn Tarina Tarantino earrings about seven years old. They are a gem. I should wear them more often. Plus TT is kinda a big deal. I really do have every fashion item I need. Last night at the wedding I had only paid for my Nordy's Rack $25 flats and Kate Spade (on sale last year) purse. I just went naked. No I had an outfit from several shopping trips with my mother. Gotta love moms! A black blazer, gold cami, and black with gold brocade pants. She's quite the bargain hunter herself! Blazer from The Rack, H&M top ($4.50), and TJ Maxx pants. I got a boat-ton of comments on it. Dangit I don't have a photo. Well I kinda do but you just see the blazer. I also managed somehow to do a bang-up hair and make-up job. I never looked more professional nor elegant. I'll post it manaña. Plus I am in bed, it is after midnight, and this time I may very well be naked.

I also went a little freaky last week and donated my cheap-material jewelery (except for one pair of earrings) because I read an online article how toxic some of those materials are. Dangerous or not, my jewelry box was over-stuffed and it needed to make some sacrifices. It was pretty liberating actually.

I also thought I wanted Vamp, the famous-20-years-ago Chanel nail polish (It's like $26 now or something insane like that), but I have a deep purple Dior one (only about insanely $23 which I got about a year ago. Again, hardly worn.) You never know what gems you may have lying around, even like my grandmother's flower pin or my great-grandmother's felt and straw hats. Oh I have to show you my gram's little black dresses I inherited. She was a hot tamale in the 40s and 50s! I don't need no stinking lbds, I have two of the best, and ones no one else will have. So go shopping! In your closet! Or your storage unit! Go.

And just eat what's in your fridge and don't let those veggies spoil. Geez!

;)

Love,

Smobergirl

Internal alarm

I had a gig last night and went to sleep around 2 am, which I woke up at 7:30 like clockwork! Oy, well I'm a little tired but the lemon spinach I found at the farmer's market this morning perked me up. That's the best stuff, and a little hard to find for me. Now I made a kale salad with yellow heirloom tomato, avocado, and leftover mock chicken salad. I hope it's still good, there's a ton left. I squeezed a lime on it and added pepper and sea salt. I have Amy's Indian food in the oven.

Last night I received so many compliments on the way I looked, and I noticed my skin is a lot clearer and more olive-toned, like my last quit. Two months seem like forever to get to, but just after a month my belly bloat went down and I lost a lot of fat in my face. Eat your salads, kids! And healthy fats like green olives keep your skin hydrated, not fat. We need healthy plant fats for our skin, hair, and nails, and iced coffee addicts like myself. Just pace yourself with the olives. I'll have 2-5 a day. A handful of nuts. 1/2 to 1 avocado. It's also important what you eat the rest of the day. I'm making all kinds of creative salads and soups. Then I don't feel guilty eating healthy fat snacks. If you eat crap all day then have these snacks, that's not a good sign.

With my lovely lemon spinach I have a brilliant idea for a smoothie. It's excellent in smoothies. Okay how's this: Limes, celery, lemon spinach, pear, cucumber. I'll report back.

My only downfall this week is not exercising, and craving sugar. I was good yesterday and this morning. Gotta do some hip hop or something today. I look good, I feel calm, but I feel ecstatic when I work out. It makes sense! Even after not doing yoga for a week I've stiffened up. Tisk, tisk. The sugar I'll allow for the wine craves, but I gotta work out for my spirits.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 65

Don't give in. Do something else.

Distract yourself, and Drink water. Three outta four ain't bad. Iced coffee and a milk shake uh covered the water part? Well, I craved fiercely around 6:30 this evening so I popped a piece of nic gum and got an iced coffee. Then I did some retail therapy, I bought a hot neon green top that makes my boobs look awesome for the price of a binge night. Wearin' that to one of my new quiz gigs. Then I grabbed a frozen hot chocolate which I drank half of and now I have this brilliant idea to blend the rest with the tiny strawberries tomorrow. Whew! It was a close one and I almost risked not knowing if I'd pass out after two glasses and go crazy on Wellbutrin like some of the stories I've read online. The horror is I don't know what kind of 'crazy' they were talking about. I just feel so much better, then there's my bloody shoulder...

This is actually a huge synchronicity and hil-arious. I had a 'feeling' to call my dermatologist on Friday because it's been about a year since I had my moles checked (and they aren't just on my face man) and I had an appointment today which I also found out my father had one later in the afternoon! I go once a year at that. So after my appointment in the morning I told him, and he said he was going in at four when I was told his was actually at 2:15 by the doc's office manager. So I saved him from being late. It's a miracle in disguise. Then he called me later and said the doc cut a mole out. Hey me too! However I was so excited to practice guitar for an hour and ripped the scab off with the medical bandage. Ow. So I'm still bleeding and I put this nifty bandage on. Then after my shopping and shake rampage I take it off and it's still gooey. Ew. So I slather Neosporin on it and my Yeti Attack bandage. If you see above on one of my other brilliant bandages the horn is pointing to a spatter of dried blood on my shoulder. Completely unintentional. Well here's to no melanoma and I think I'd get a call my now if it was malignant, same with my dad. What a crazy day.


Breakfast: Berry and kale smoothie, one hard-boiled egg

Lunch: Tabouleh, mock tuna salad, and my healthy rainbow bell pepper slaw

Dinner: Treat! Seared scallops and risotto with steamed veggies, Italian herbed olives, sauteed garlic on crusty bread, and the best tiramisu on the planet with the biggest blackberry I've ever seen.

Snack: Iced coffee followed by 8 ounces of frozen hot chocolate

I still ate light to heavy. I will do ANYTHING but drink or smoke if it comes to eating two desserts and buying a hot tank top. Porsche Design. $39 on sale. Thank you very much.

Love,

Smobergirl

Sloth

Why...am...I...so...tired....?...

I'll just roll with it. I did watch Sherlock for four hours. Then I did some power yoga and felt more relaxed and a tad more awake. I'm hanging with the neighbors tonight which will be fun but I hope I live. I'm such an old lady.You know what could add to the problem is me waking up at 6:30-7 in the morning. It is awesome that I'm waking up smober early than 9-1 hungover and miserable. So really I'm not complaining. I'm still eating well. Kale salad and popcorn for the PBS mystery. Maybe that's not enough. I'm planing on the rest of my slaw or mock chicken salad, a veg burger patty, and baked sweet potato wedges for dinner.

Lates,

Smobergirl

Good substitutions

I feel morally sound, and I was bounding with energy from 7:30 am until 10:00 am when I made a pineapple-grape-kale-ginger smoothie and performed a self body-slimming mud wrap while burning music for a wedding. Then I had a 1/2 avocado, muhammara with flax crackers, and an iced chai and I want to fall asleep! No coffee.That could be it unless the crackers and/or muhammara were too heavy. Or cleansing, or the mud sucked a lot out. Dunno! Yawn.

I still feel proud of myself taking the Wellbutrin, although it's half the dose now by my and not the doctor's choice. However the heart murmurs are gone, I feel better in the morning, I have no anxiety, I'm still calm, and I still can't drink or smoke. I don't even attempt it. Well at least it's Sunday. I washed my couch (I did. It's a Love Sac sectional couch and I can wash the covers.) and cushions so I can lay down in a chocolate brown cloud of clean. Sherlock did come in the mail. I can watch that then do my hip hop or yoga or both. Yawn.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 58

I don't need substitute addictions!

Don't worry it's just junk food, but worry because it's junk food! I think it's making me depressed and gave me the biggest cold sore chain ever on my lip down my chin! That proves how "sad" our S.A.D. (Standard American Diet) is!!! Not only did I have two iced coffees along with the healthy substitute, two iced chais, I had a frozen hot chocolate and a happy meal for dinner. A Happy Meal! Will I promise not to cry wolf and have you trust me to start detoxing tomorrow? Then in a week I'll be clean and happy for the wedding I'm DJing. You know not just alcohol, cigs, and other substances, but crap food is also a temporary cheap thrill. I know better. At the farmer's market today I got the teeniest strawberries (like the ones I found in Capri), organic grapes, kale, ground cherries, aaaand that's about it for my cleanse. I also have vegan, gluten-free black bean burgers, mock tuna salad, and bell pepper slaw in the fridge. Along with local muhammara, celery sticks, cukes, pineapple, frozen berries, wild rice....I'm all set for the week ahead!

Love,

Wolfy

Two months in five days!

Sugar sugar

I just felt crappy all afternoon because I've been amping up the caffeine and sweets intake. Must...stop... I then had a home-made slaw and black bean burger patty for dinner and I feel much calmer. However I did want to cry my guts out about an hour ago.

Other than that life is fantastic and I'm getting the ball rolling with DJ gigs, meaning DJing parties and weddings. Summer was awfully slow for that, man. I'll also be ushering theaters (free shows dude) and I'll be painting again, any day now when I decide to get my ass in gear. I still have craves but the bupropion is handling that nicely. I cut my dose in half to avoid heart murmurs and possibly anger and depreesion. Depression on an anti-depressant you say? This is one of the reasons I'm anti-drug. Like Chantix which will help you quit smoking but you may have suicidal thoughts. Wh-at? Ugh I can't wait until 6 months are up!

I made a brillant smoothie today which magically tasted like guava. It's kale, with pineapple and mint (I think that's the magic combo there), maca powder, chia and flax seeds, and chilled mint/lemon water. It's my best creation yet.


Well bed time. More pics later. Just say no to sugar. I just need to nip this coffee thing finally. I DJ a wedding in a week so maybe I'll detox and I'll be glowing by the 29th. Hey it's happened before! I have violent tantrums on day three but then I'm a new person. :)


Smobergirl

Two months, Bender, on the 27th! (Breakfast Club ref.) You're mine for two months!

The power of a man's virtue

I know you can control your own emotions. Is it easier said than done because we feel that we 'ought' to feel bad, unworthy, mournful, etc.? I told a friend years ago who was dealing with his own demons that only he can control his emotions. In serious response, he answered, "No, my wife does." Sometimes I wish I was famous or perfect or happy all of the time, but who is? The power of a man's virtue be measured not by his special efforts, but by his ordinary doing. Zen calendar quote of the day from Blaise Pascal. I want to know that people love me by my goodness and not because I don't have a special talent like Cyrus from SYTYCD. He's no more perfect nor virtuous than I, right? I loved him on the show and I think I just want to be him. Or I think I just want his popularity. This is actually a silly-ass post. My mood was down again even after fly yoga, having the utmost anger for other drivers when I was running errands to feeling that I just don't want to be here. Now here me out: I'm hardly suicidal, it's just one of those days when you want to fade or have the trap door underneath you go out. No I didn't feel worthy nor talented today, but for no particular reason. I cried, a lot. I did talk to my parents, just small talk but I know they care about me. I also went into worrying what others think of me mode. Maybe I got lonely. Maybe it's all that meat I've been eating all of the sudden. Damn you national cheeseburger day. Maybe it's the sugared pumpkin spice iced coffees. Or maybe it's just me being human. Ha I was thinking about the famous actually then I remember when Lindsay Lohan called her butt crack poking out of her jeans her 'coin slot.' It doesn't matter what you think of others. It matters what you think of yourself. I am talented. I'm a damn fine mobile DJ even though I pissed off one bride for having 3-second feedback on my microphone. "I thought you were a professional." The husband said. You need to let shit like this go and know who you are. The thing is that it does get to me and then I get scared of DJing the next gig, which turns out perfectly. The other lesson is let shit like sound feedback go and don't insult others, for you may affect their lives more than you'll know.

Okay I just feel tons better after I blog. I should write in a journal but I have this morbid thinking that the public should see my ups and downs through quitting drinking, smoking, and low self-esteem. Plus typing is easier. The right food really brought me calm and happiness. For the last few days I've been upping the ante on the sugar and meat which I usually don't consume at all. There is a mood/food connection, I have no doubt. Gotta hunker down and get back on track.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Smobergirl

The fly

I was in yoga class yesterday, something I rarely do now since I have been saving money to work out at home (and by the way I had a free class pass) and for the entire class this fly kept landing on my shoulder, arm, or hand every ten minutes or so. I didn't shoo him away, I just let it hang out or crawl around. It really didn't bother me, maybe because I was in a zen-like state, it was kind of nice actually. I'd think, hey there little fella you probably like my natural orange and honey blossom lotion. That's gotta be it. Then in savasana, corpse pose, which all yoga classes end with, it landed on my 'third eye' right between my eyebrows. No kidding! In yoga the third eye is often spoken about and used during meditiation. It was there for about five seconds then I never saw or felt it again. It was pretty far out. Fly yoga. Who knew.

Smobergirl


Day 53

The best things in life are free.

You know, this, "I have all I need" mantra is working so far. Sure I had temptations for material things, then I realized that I own items similar or I'm glad I treated my body to a green drink from home instead of a $7 milk shake three times as long as my neck at this joint I saw a movie at tonight. I didn't have the money to get a symphony-opera subscription so I could be on that USUO young people's board, but magically I'll be ushering that and two other theater venues (that means free symphony/opera/theater) which means if I paid for one I'd get a free ticket for tonight, which I didn't so I went to a free-admission women's gala and fundraiser instead (free dinner) and an outdoor free movie (with free popcorn!). Plus, from the Avenues Fair last week I scored about 10 guest passes to a fancy-schmancy Federal Heights rec center (free swimming!) and a free smoothie at their fancy-schmancy new cafe. This karma thing is happening again and I had nothing to worry about. Luck? Chance? Maybe but the universe is providing for me. I had a lovely night without drinking or smoking, and I had joy in my heart.

Love,

Smobergirl

I think it's day 50!

Confirmation! Boy I'm good. :)

Make Yourself

I got that from the band Incubus, who's lead singer, Brandon Boyd, said the title is being who you want to be, meaning creating that truth, making yourself. Boyd wanted to be fit, so he made that happen. He worked to be a visual artist and he puts that in his videos. It has inspired me over and over again. This whole thing about wanting to be fit again, and finally having another long-term quit, started with the Olympics, then the Undie Run and So You Think You Can Dance. I keep telling myself that I'm like clay and if I want it, I can mold myself into a beautiful athlete even at 41. I have energy, I bounce back easily (after smoking for 15 years my teeth are extremely white, I can bound up stairs no problem after a few weeks quit, and at the health fair on Saturday everything was normal and I currently have zero chance of heart disease.) I am a lucky sod. Now I need to make myself just because I can. I quit dance when I was 13 and lost most of my technique and gained weight in high school. At 18 I thought, "If I bust my ass now at dancing I'll be killer at 28." That never happened. At 28 I was even heavier and my boyfriend at the time kept 'hinting' for me to work out. I was lethargic, a smoker, and I didn't feel like I fit in because of my weight. So do what Nike, Yoda, or Incubus says and take action.

I am. I plugged through Insanity for the first time in at least six months and I survived. I think the bupropion makes me tired but I didn't wheeze or turn red, and my endorphins shot up. Then I watched the finale dances on SYTYCD while stretching, doing full lotus and pendulum, and ballet leg tendues, ronde de jambes, attitudes, and degagés. I may not be able to walk tomorrow but I felt amazing. I also ate a good diet with tons of greens and soup. Too many Trader Joe's Thai Lime Chili Cashews maybe. There could be worse things, um like Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Via. Hey I am still allowed my wine sub ain't I? I'm craving sugar, man. Yes I have an excuse for everything, especially the Wellbutrin. "Oh I spaced that, am tired, dingy, can't breathe, air-headed because of the Wellbutrin." "Sorry, I'm on Wellbutrin." "I'm either just a home-body or the Wellbutrin is making me want to do absolutely nothing."

Well I do feel better. I think the only (well one of, maybe) things the bupropion is doing is making me less paranoid. It's doing that job very well. Good times. Oh and I don't want (today and most days) and can't drink on it, that's the most important thing. Making myself means that I don't and can't put those poisons in my body to inhibit who I can be.

Love,

Smobergirl

Maybe it's my liver

Alright maybe I jumped to a conclusion with my friend, whom I've known since high school, and has always driven me a little batty. I think I just wanted to avoid the friend, and not the theater. In that environment too though you can get drama queens and drama in general. Hey, it's drama! If my director friend gets back to me with an offer then we'll see. Oh the liver thing? One of my holistic therapists I worked with a few years ago told me that when I get angry it's my liver detoxifying and expelling the junk. So if I ever get pissy nowadays I just blame it on my liver. :D


Smobergirl

I feel fantastic

Insanity and yoga made me feel on top of the world this morning. I did Upper Body Weights from the Insanity DVDs. It's Hip-Hop Abs tomorrow. I had a berry-kale-hemp smoothie and a 1/2 avocado. It's another cloudy warm day, which is my cup of tea. I'm teaching a friend yoga and going to an usher orientation later. I may have to start a saving money blog. If you usher, you can see all kinds of entertainment for free!

I was feeling awesome until I received an email from a friend. I thought I wanted to go back to acting in a theater I performed at in the mid-90s. I asked a connection I haven't talked to in three years who I should contact at the theater and when the next auditions for new shows are, and this person responded with, "Speaking of new shows, you should come see me in _______ going on right now! I play _____ and it's so much fun!!! We could go to lunch afterwards!!" Maybe I take everything personally but I didn't get one answer from my actor buddy, just a shameless promotion. I just got a knot in my stomach and an awful feeling. No, I'm not ready to go back there. Actors can be a handful. What's a girl to do. I'll keep being the volunteer queen and see what happens from there. Instinct. It's working so far.

Appreciating what I have is starting to immensely pay off. Aside from helping the community, I own all of the possessions I really need. It's the small things in life like I thought I had to have magenta shoes from TJ Maxx when I have gunmetal ones which would go with the same clothes I wanted to wear the magenta ones for. On The Doctors they promoted Dr. Haushka products and I immediately wanted to go to Whole Foods because they have 15% off cosmetics, skin and body care, and supplements on Tuesdays. Then I thought of my already crowded medicine cabinet. I think I have three night creams in there! Shopping is not going to give me a fulfilling life. But, evil sugary Pumpkin Spice VIA instant iced coffee from Starbucks and my 50% off Groupon will. For now. See ya!

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 46

Tears, joy, karma, being pissed off, stuff coming out, fantasy, beauty, body image, and food, and exercise, and everything.

I think life is getting better! Ha ha no I mean that. hear me out. I have a lot of venting to do but it all will come out good in the end I promise. The first quit, snowballs galore happened with the good karma. I was doubtful this time, thinking that I was just lucky, but I have to testify. I had a 'feeling' to go out for dinner at 5:45 tonight. I was thinking of a place close to me then decided on a 'healthy' joint for a mushroom and brussels sprout pasta in cream sauce. Cream sauce! Oy. Hey I had my rabbit food during the rest of the day. I then happen to run into my jazz radio DJ hero there, who asks me if I want to visit his show sometime, and to answer phones with other community radio DJs for their fund drive. Sweet. Before then I also had a wild hair after crying my butt off in the bath (I seem to do most of my bawling there lately) to email the owner of a theater I used to perform at in the 90s. He CCed the director, who is the same one who gave me the best compliment of my life in the last show I did there, "She always makes something out of nothing." Wow. You had to be there. You know what's funny, I cared more about my radio job who emotionally kicked me in the gutter over and over again or just didn't give a rat's ass on my accomplishments more than the theater who always treated me like a rock star. Para-noia self-destroyah! Do you know that Kinks song? It's my motto. I know "Institutionalized" should be but you can pick one or the other. That is probably why I want to go back to acting all of a sudden. I was a theater major. Duh. Already you know I'm a drama queen. So I will wait to hear when the next audition is if that dude with the amazing compliment will have me back.

So this is me in my underwear, paricipating in year two for the Utah Undie Run. It's liberating and of course a people (and dog!) watching spectacular. The 5K was also a great workout. My friend who went with me wanted to walk which was fine, but last year after doing Insanity I could not believe how much stamina I had running up the hill to the capitol! I am back in the game, did my hip hop and yoga this morning, and it's Insanity weights and plyometrics tomorrow.

Too much coffee and sugar have been invading my body however. Is that what made me cry in the tub? I had the 'my carreer/love life, blah blah blah is over' thoughts and I realized that was stupid. You moron. My mother told me that the one thing she regretted was not teaching me enough self-esteem. I'm cool, but like I said I've been conditioned mainly through school and work that I am a total idiot. Parents, teach your kids this and fight against bullying. School bullying, asshole bosses (if you want me to be PC say discriminating instead), and sexual harassers in any environment cannot be tolerated. I wish there were more of teaching of the sort as well. I am dead serious. I happened to go through all three.

Breakfast: 5 figs, handfuls of ground cherries, and sugared iced coffee

Lunch: Mixed greens, heirloom cherry tomatoes, micro greens, hummus, garlic spread, and muhammara with baked rosemary sweet potato 'fries' and iced coffee, pouring acid on that good food I know Kim!

Dinner: Comforting and evil cream sauced pasta, the funky rolled up like thin cigars kind with brussels sprouts and wild mushrooms. Expresso carbonata with cream to add to the cream. Are we emotionally eating lately?

I'll take a glass of lemon water before bed. Then clean up my food act. It's red kale smoothie tomorrow sistah! Oh I did have a green powder water today so that's making a college try.

Body image. Just stop it. Healthy is better than having a supermodel body, and you'll be looking good anyway. Not all thin bodies look the same. I'll always be bigger on top, or I tend to lose the top last. So that means skinny legs and big arms but also big boobies! Speaking of big boobies, I watched The Bachelor Pad for 5 minutes and the 'superfans' picked for the show of course looked like models. How do we teach the kids. I was kinda pissed, then after some of them opened their mouths I was just glad to have big arms and intelligence over that. Then I quickly changed the channel.

I was also getting bummed by aging but I can't. For 41 I look pretty darn good. The little changes are normal and no one cares more than you when it comes to your own bod. I'll just have to do more head stands. Okay, and be happy for who I am and what I have and the healthy choices I will make and not beat myself up having the occasional pasta and dairy, oh and caffeine, and sugar, when I have not had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 45 days.

I believe that it is imparative to have dreams. I will let go of the teacher's voices who said I day-dreamed too much in class or that nasty college professor who said I lived in a fantasy world thinking I could be a classical singer. Mean teachers should not teach. Choose your words wisely, for you have to reap what you sow, professor, you jerk.

Okay I've vented. I cried, I had hopes, life isn't over, and I had a productive day. I am not a moron, and I don't really care about being in a relationship (okay to be fair I don't care AS much). To fight the craves I 'shop' in my closet and make myself look put together and I wear more makeup. It's fun and you know I might as well look like a girl, it's good for the self-esteem too.

No regrets on kitty's accident which happened a half a year ago already! I do think about it constantly. Realistically, the beauty in that is I wouldn't had known that he had abscesses in his back teeth if he didn't fall. And man the kid acts like it never happened. Sometimes I call him Toothless like in How To Train Your Dragon, and the hair lip gives him character. And I say to myself, "Dude he fell three stories and only hurt his teeth! Come on! He's the miracle cat." Yes, I still cry over it sometimes, but time will heal itself. He is my baby but I can't look back on that nor regret anything. You need to see the beauty in everything.

I'm glad it rained today. I feel sheltered by the clouds and the downpour. It's almost time for bed and an eventful, fantastic day tomorrow. I am grateful for all who I am and everything I have, and so should you.

Love,

Smobergirl

Life Is Good

By the way, I think it would be cool to work for that company.

Anywho, I was freaking out a little about my life this morning, then my counselor at 3 pm just shook his head. I really like this guy. In the end he helped me with job ideas and was logical about how and who to get references from. It doesn't have to be your former boss by the way. An ex-co worker who I didn't offend will do just fine. Ha ha. I didn't even think of applying for the children's museum which the shrink suggested. I am passionate about the arts council, and being a drama geek most of my life, which is really where my heart is, could be a better job for me than the media. I became a DJ through a talent agency, where I just wanted to act. That's when the mayhem started. Nineteen years later, I think it's time to go back to my roots. I didn't even drink until I started frequenting DV8 with fellow radio jocks and sipping Sex On The Beaches all night long. No regrets though. It was an important part of my life when I needed to start sticking up for myself, and I don't know who I'd be today if I didn't go through the hard times.

Speaking of hard times, I craved like a ninja for two days. Couldn't do it cuz I'd go apeshit! Alcohol is dangerous, and it says so on the bupropion bottle. That wouldn't be so great. So I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's Steven Colbert Americone Dream just for the name, watching the Democrat convention. Perfection.

I feel better, I'm not damaged or worthless. Burned out? I think I was for a minute. Now I'm ready to get back into the game.

Smobergirl

A month and two weeks bro.

On the way to getting back on track.

Well, so in the last couple days I had the cravings of a pregnant woman *shrug*. No I am not! I had a green powder drink before gobbling 1/4 of Thaifoon's Jeweled Beef. Another chain restaurant but there's actually vegetables in this dish including broccoli, carrots, sprouts, garlic, and a whole lot more mushrooms than Noodles' Truffle Mac. I also added yesterday's roasted grape tomatoes and fresh lime basil. Now it's more green water. If you get lemon-lime flavor or squeeze citrus in it, tastes much better. Maybe I needed the protein and carbs or maybe I was rebelling with meat protein and noodles.

I got a new book that looks promising. I do these because I have a 'what is there to lose' attitude, and I'm single so I can experiment without judgment. My father actually praised me for being 'independent', being able to make my own decisions and do whatever I want. A married friend at a dinner also said I can order whatever I want as his wife was peering over at him.

Real food is supposedly offered, suggesting fruit for breakfast, healthy carbs for lunch, and a salad with protein for dinner. I'll let you know how it goes. Snyder's book had me drastically lose pounds and I believe that whole, natural food will give you a glow. In the last month I have been receiving a plethora of compliments. But El Guapo, do you even know what a plethora is?

Being thankful with what I have throwing on a lonely, yummy suede-like pair of Prana yoga pants. I love you buttery yoga pants!

Smobergirl

No fast food!

That's it!!! No more temptation. Not only is my energy zapped, but I also don't look so amazing. I lied about the spending. As a reward for not buying new 'stuff', and it sucks when people say "You quit! Reward yourself," I tried a run-of-the-mill box-tasting mac and cheese with two mushroom slices after my friend was raving of curiosity how she has to try the Truffle Mac at a chain restaurant. Red flag #1: It's a chain restaurant. It wasn't even truffley. Thankfully I ordered a cucumber tomato salad with red onion beforehand. Then the six tiny bites I took of the mac made me lethargic and put a pit in my stomach. It's elbow macaroni in cheese sauce (and I don't know if it's real or not) with shredded white hard cheese, bread bits and breadcrumbs, two dark mushroom slices, and a hint of truffle flavor on the slices. Boo. Well that's what I get, and I lied about eating out. I can't be a hermit but I need to have better use of my time. Carb fest=bad, colorful whole food=awesome. I swear it was a beige mess.

Whole food is the way to go if you want to avoid being tired. I just wish more folks would get the hint.

Smobergirl

Appreciating

Good morning! The appreciation starts today, and I hope you can join me. I am a month and a week quit from alcohol and cigarettes. I admit that I still have my heart murmur occasionally since I started the Wellbutrin, and I also have a strained knee when I bend it diagonally, and I have another joint strain on the inside of my right elbow, However I am appreciating all  can do physically and I appreciate all that I have. Okay hold on I will call my doc....I'm not just crying wolf this time....ha ha they are closed for the holiday weekend! Alright tomorrow! I just put an alert in my Smart Phone.

So I have an important story. I admit also that I shop and drive around to relieve bordom. I know better, and life is better, when I 'shop in my closet' and find productive things to do at home. I was going to drive across town to a Target for no reason at all. I have told you about replacing smoking and drinking with shopping. Some of it is good, like local bath salts at the farmer's market and healthy food, but I own more stuff than I realize. So, I'm so proud of myself, here goes:

I woke at 8 am and did yoga. Had an iced coffee (I know I know) with home-made cashew milk, and a green smoothie. I just had an avocado with sea salt and it's 10:23 am. Oh and these are ground cherries! I also had a few of these. I have no idea what they are but my mother got me hooked on them last year. I've only found them at the farmer's market. They are like tomatillos, where they have a papery outside that you take off to reveal something like a green cherry tomato, which they taste between that and a fruit. Pretty good stuff. Alright Ill look it up....hmmmm they are full of cryptoxanthin. Native to Central and South America. Use like a tomato, put in salads, or make jams and jellies. Huh. Now we kinda know more. I watched the Today Show now Rachael Ray is on with Dr. Oz. Like most women, I am a Mehmet junkie. The pride thing is that today's quote on my Zen calendar woke me up, above. So true. I feel energized and no shopping today. In fact, I'm going through all of my 'stuff' to find new outfit combinations I have never worn, and maybe put some things in a bag for the consignment shop. I have also been going to the planetarium, which I am a member of, to educate and entertain myself for free with the membership.

I do hope to get a theater job ushering, but I forget it's a holiday and hopefully I'll hear back from them this week.

Okay thanks for letting me ramble. Appreciate what you have and try not to spend, just on the essentials. And bath salts.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 38

It's stormin'!!!

This is my favorite kind of weather: Warm outside, lightning, and pouring rain. I'm snuggling inside with a bowl of quinoa, olive juice, and green olives from Caputo's. I have been craving more sugar and caffeine in the past two days. When I lived off of salads and raw lasagna for two weeks I really started to look good, I even looked tanner for some reason. Frozen hot chocolate and chewy ciabatta sammys, not so much. I did go to the downtown farmer's market today and got some black mission figs (tonight's dessert), strawberries, and lime basil (which also went into the guac I made to go with the quinoa). I am going to get back into the salad-before-a-meal kick.

Sensa: Uh, no thanks.

I think eating whole food is the way to go. It's about taking care of your body, not sprinkling goodness knows what on a hot dog to get skinny. You are still eating lips and assholes, sorry.

I had the worst wine craving about five hours ago, but I couldn't have it because it's a no-no with the Wellbutrin! The med also is really making me chill, and I don't care so much what people think nor do I get offended. Like at all.

Herbed-Pineapple/cilantro/cuke smoothie is the current favorite for breakfast. A greens smoothie with grapefruit is a close second. I feel cozy watching the storm. I'm reading a little then it's yoga and off to bed.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 36