Tears, joy, karma, being pissed off, stuff coming out, fantasy, beauty, body image, and food, and exercise, and everything.

I think life is getting better! Ha ha no I mean that. hear me out. I have a lot of venting to do but it all will come out good in the end I promise. The first quit, snowballs galore happened with the good karma. I was doubtful this time, thinking that I was just lucky, but I have to testify. I had a 'feeling' to go out for dinner at 5:45 tonight. I was thinking of a place close to me then decided on a 'healthy' joint for a mushroom and brussels sprout pasta in cream sauce. Cream sauce! Oy. Hey I had my rabbit food during the rest of the day. I then happen to run into my jazz radio DJ hero there, who asks me if I want to visit his show sometime, and to answer phones with other community radio DJs for their fund drive. Sweet. Before then I also had a wild hair after crying my butt off in the bath (I seem to do most of my bawling there lately) to email the owner of a theater I used to perform at in the 90s. He CCed the director, who is the same one who gave me the best compliment of my life in the last show I did there, "She always makes something out of nothing." Wow. You had to be there. You know what's funny, I cared more about my radio job who emotionally kicked me in the gutter over and over again or just didn't give a rat's ass on my accomplishments more than the theater who always treated me like a rock star. Para-noia self-destroyah! Do you know that Kinks song? It's my motto. I know "Institutionalized" should be but you can pick one or the other. That is probably why I want to go back to acting all of a sudden. I was a theater major. Duh. Already you know I'm a drama queen. So I will wait to hear when the next audition is if that dude with the amazing compliment will have me back.

So this is me in my underwear, paricipating in year two for the Utah Undie Run. It's liberating and of course a people (and dog!) watching spectacular. The 5K was also a great workout. My friend who went with me wanted to walk which was fine, but last year after doing Insanity I could not believe how much stamina I had running up the hill to the capitol! I am back in the game, did my hip hop and yoga this morning, and it's Insanity weights and plyometrics tomorrow.

Too much coffee and sugar have been invading my body however. Is that what made me cry in the tub? I had the 'my carreer/love life, blah blah blah is over' thoughts and I realized that was stupid. You moron. My mother told me that the one thing she regretted was not teaching me enough self-esteem. I'm cool, but like I said I've been conditioned mainly through school and work that I am a total idiot. Parents, teach your kids this and fight against bullying. School bullying, asshole bosses (if you want me to be PC say discriminating instead), and sexual harassers in any environment cannot be tolerated. I wish there were more of teaching of the sort as well. I am dead serious. I happened to go through all three.

Breakfast: 5 figs, handfuls of ground cherries, and sugared iced coffee

Lunch: Mixed greens, heirloom cherry tomatoes, micro greens, hummus, garlic spread, and muhammara with baked rosemary sweet potato 'fries' and iced coffee, pouring acid on that good food I know Kim!

Dinner: Comforting and evil cream sauced pasta, the funky rolled up like thin cigars kind with brussels sprouts and wild mushrooms. Expresso carbonata with cream to add to the cream. Are we emotionally eating lately?

I'll take a glass of lemon water before bed. Then clean up my food act. It's red kale smoothie tomorrow sistah! Oh I did have a green powder water today so that's making a college try.

Body image. Just stop it. Healthy is better than having a supermodel body, and you'll be looking good anyway. Not all thin bodies look the same. I'll always be bigger on top, or I tend to lose the top last. So that means skinny legs and big arms but also big boobies! Speaking of big boobies, I watched The Bachelor Pad for 5 minutes and the 'superfans' picked for the show of course looked like models. How do we teach the kids. I was kinda pissed, then after some of them opened their mouths I was just glad to have big arms and intelligence over that. Then I quickly changed the channel.

I was also getting bummed by aging but I can't. For 41 I look pretty darn good. The little changes are normal and no one cares more than you when it comes to your own bod. I'll just have to do more head stands. Okay, and be happy for who I am and what I have and the healthy choices I will make and not beat myself up having the occasional pasta and dairy, oh and caffeine, and sugar, when I have not had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 45 days.

I believe that it is imparative to have dreams. I will let go of the teacher's voices who said I day-dreamed too much in class or that nasty college professor who said I lived in a fantasy world thinking I could be a classical singer. Mean teachers should not teach. Choose your words wisely, for you have to reap what you sow, professor, you jerk.

Okay I've vented. I cried, I had hopes, life isn't over, and I had a productive day. I am not a moron, and I don't really care about being in a relationship (okay to be fair I don't care AS much). To fight the craves I 'shop' in my closet and make myself look put together and I wear more makeup. It's fun and you know I might as well look like a girl, it's good for the self-esteem too.

No regrets on kitty's accident which happened a half a year ago already! I do think about it constantly. Realistically, the beauty in that is I wouldn't had known that he had abscesses in his back teeth if he didn't fall. And man the kid acts like it never happened. Sometimes I call him Toothless like in How To Train Your Dragon, and the hair lip gives him character. And I say to myself, "Dude he fell three stories and only hurt his teeth! Come on! He's the miracle cat." Yes, I still cry over it sometimes, but time will heal itself. He is my baby but I can't look back on that nor regret anything. You need to see the beauty in everything.

I'm glad it rained today. I feel sheltered by the clouds and the downpour. It's almost time for bed and an eventful, fantastic day tomorrow. I am grateful for all who I am and everything I have, and so should you.

Love,

Smobergirl