The power of a man's virtue

I know you can control your own emotions. Is it easier said than done because we feel that we 'ought' to feel bad, unworthy, mournful, etc.? I told a friend years ago who was dealing with his own demons that only he can control his emotions. In serious response, he answered, "No, my wife does." Sometimes I wish I was famous or perfect or happy all of the time, but who is? The power of a man's virtue be measured not by his special efforts, but by his ordinary doing. Zen calendar quote of the day from Blaise Pascal. I want to know that people love me by my goodness and not because I don't have a special talent like Cyrus from SYTYCD. He's no more perfect nor virtuous than I, right? I loved him on the show and I think I just want to be him. Or I think I just want his popularity. This is actually a silly-ass post. My mood was down again even after fly yoga, having the utmost anger for other drivers when I was running errands to feeling that I just don't want to be here. Now here me out: I'm hardly suicidal, it's just one of those days when you want to fade or have the trap door underneath you go out. No I didn't feel worthy nor talented today, but for no particular reason. I cried, a lot. I did talk to my parents, just small talk but I know they care about me. I also went into worrying what others think of me mode. Maybe I got lonely. Maybe it's all that meat I've been eating all of the sudden. Damn you national cheeseburger day. Maybe it's the sugared pumpkin spice iced coffees. Or maybe it's just me being human. Ha I was thinking about the famous actually then I remember when Lindsay Lohan called her butt crack poking out of her jeans her 'coin slot.' It doesn't matter what you think of others. It matters what you think of yourself. I am talented. I'm a damn fine mobile DJ even though I pissed off one bride for having 3-second feedback on my microphone. "I thought you were a professional." The husband said. You need to let shit like this go and know who you are. The thing is that it does get to me and then I get scared of DJing the next gig, which turns out perfectly. The other lesson is let shit like sound feedback go and don't insult others, for you may affect their lives more than you'll know.

Okay I just feel tons better after I blog. I should write in a journal but I have this morbid thinking that the public should see my ups and downs through quitting drinking, smoking, and low self-esteem. Plus typing is easier. The right food really brought me calm and happiness. For the last few days I've been upping the ante on the sugar and meat which I usually don't consume at all. There is a mood/food connection, I have no doubt. Gotta hunker down and get back on track.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Smobergirl