Make Yourself

I got that from the band Incubus, who's lead singer, Brandon Boyd, said the title is being who you want to be, meaning creating that truth, making yourself. Boyd wanted to be fit, so he made that happen. He worked to be a visual artist and he puts that in his videos. It has inspired me over and over again. This whole thing about wanting to be fit again, and finally having another long-term quit, started with the Olympics, then the Undie Run and So You Think You Can Dance. I keep telling myself that I'm like clay and if I want it, I can mold myself into a beautiful athlete even at 41. I have energy, I bounce back easily (after smoking for 15 years my teeth are extremely white, I can bound up stairs no problem after a few weeks quit, and at the health fair on Saturday everything was normal and I currently have zero chance of heart disease.) I am a lucky sod. Now I need to make myself just because I can. I quit dance when I was 13 and lost most of my technique and gained weight in high school. At 18 I thought, "If I bust my ass now at dancing I'll be killer at 28." That never happened. At 28 I was even heavier and my boyfriend at the time kept 'hinting' for me to work out. I was lethargic, a smoker, and I didn't feel like I fit in because of my weight. So do what Nike, Yoda, or Incubus says and take action.

I am. I plugged through Insanity for the first time in at least six months and I survived. I think the bupropion makes me tired but I didn't wheeze or turn red, and my endorphins shot up. Then I watched the finale dances on SYTYCD while stretching, doing full lotus and pendulum, and ballet leg tendues, ronde de jambes, attitudes, and degagés. I may not be able to walk tomorrow but I felt amazing. I also ate a good diet with tons of greens and soup. Too many Trader Joe's Thai Lime Chili Cashews maybe. There could be worse things, um like Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Via. Hey I am still allowed my wine sub ain't I? I'm craving sugar, man. Yes I have an excuse for everything, especially the Wellbutrin. "Oh I spaced that, am tired, dingy, can't breathe, air-headed because of the Wellbutrin." "Sorry, I'm on Wellbutrin." "I'm either just a home-body or the Wellbutrin is making me want to do absolutely nothing."

Well I do feel better. I think the only (well one of, maybe) things the bupropion is doing is making me less paranoid. It's doing that job very well. Good times. Oh and I don't want (today and most days) and can't drink on it, that's the most important thing. Making myself means that I don't and can't put those poisons in my body to inhibit who I can be.

Love,

Smobergirl