Mal decision

1/2 a Betos bean burrito. I haven't had one of those in a while. Good while it lasted though. I am definitely becoming more aware of thinking about what food is doing to my body when I eat it.

I was pretty good the rest of the day. I made a bok choy and kale shake with raspberries and all the fun powders and seeds I put into it. Lunch was a salad with red onion, tomato, 'buffalo' tempeh, and vegan ranch at Vertical Diner. Dinner was salad at Este Pizza (tomato vinaigrette, dark mixed greens, golden raisins, red onion, sunflower seeds, cucumber). So a bean burrito ain't gonna kill me eh? I went to the Reverend Horton Heat concert and burned a few calories before said burrito. Fifth time seeing them in the last 15 years or so. I think 3-5 years per show is about good for that band. They have been around for almost 25.

So now I know better, and I really want to eat better, so I will dodge the Betos craves in the future. I have so much food at home too it's crazy.

Bon nuit,
~Smobergirl

Well goddammit. Okay done for now. Eat your Summer fruits and veggies!

~Smobergirl

z tally grossed me out. With a spoon. ;)

z Had the anxiety wave but I am dismissing it as detox discomfort. I must chill. I coughed again for the first time in weeks and "smelled" smoke. Gross! To

Made shake of bok choy, lime, and pineapple. Very good. Ran tread and elliptical. Bis and shoulders. Back crunches. Yoga stretches. Me Tarzan.

The soup at Sage's today is amazingly spicy and looks healthy. Big chances of Ginger and lots O' greens.

Day 70.

Short blogs sign of text posting from phone. Hey when I have something on my mind I want to say it, I just hate the scrambled posts!

Eating less (kinda) but rich and healthy.

Feeling pure awesomeness. Anxiety tries to creep in but I keep it at bay. I wonder why I freak out so much. I don't want to find out that I'm chemically imbalanced. That would suck. Actually I think most of us freak sometimes and one of my friends actually believes that we all should be in therapy. OKAY!

I did one hour of Total Body Sculpt With Gilad and it made me sweat. It's weights and cardio. Lots of boxing in this one. Then I made the above 90% raw meal, the jewel yam potatoes from the Asian market (One was like 20 cents) I put through a mandolin and baked the chips on 400 for 8 minutes with olive oil and rosemary salt I MADE. ( grind rosemary and sea salt then store) The sauce is BBQ. I marinated a portobello mushroom cap in Bragg's Aminos, chopped ginger and garlic. Then I made Matt Amsden's "mashed potatoes" with a cheddar cauliflower and macadamia nuts. A cheddar cauli is just an orange cauliflower that tastes like a cauliflower. But it looks cool! However it would be nice if it tasted like cheddar.

Now that I trashed the farmer's markets I want to rave about local dude AJ's raw chocolate. Better, local food can be expensive for a reason, and sometimes it's the gardener's decision. But this guy is pretty fair. It's $6 for a chocolate bar, but it's a rare product, it's good for you, and the hippies need to make money too. Plus, a $6 chocolate bar at a specialty store is usually the 'cheaper' one. This guy is all raw, and his business is Chocolate Conspiracy. http://www.eatchocolateconspiracy.com/ The mint chip is clearly my favorite, but I'm a mint chocolate kind of gal. Then there is his ice cream! I've only found it at The People's Market on Sundays, but it's pretty amazing. It's fair trade, Ecuadorian cocoa frozen in I don't know what kind of non-dairy base. And I know it's not soy. It could be hemp. So after my hard yet fun workout (I love lifting weights, I'm getting into it more, and I really want my arms not obese-looking, or anything else obese-looking for that matter. Ha ha.) I ate 1/4 of that plate and went straight to the frozen dessert. I added berries, cacao nibs, and shredded coconut to it. I was craving sweet. That was my wine sub and it was fulfilled. And I don't feel one ounce of guilt. I'm full with cocoaey and honey goodness, and I had a glass of water, but it's not a sick full. It's still an "I can't eat another bite" full, but I don't feel miserable like when I eat ice cream or other bad desert stuffs. I feel like my stomach has shrunk and I haven't been able to eat as much, but I keep reading that your stomach can shrink if you keep eating less, also you want to eat less or your body wants less if you are used to working out. I'll have to read up on that.

~Smobergirl

Cheapy price

When I was 14 the fam went to Hong Kong for one of my father's business trips. We went through the city and a lot of store owners were yelling out to us, "Come in! Cheapy price!". I have never forgotten that. So I went to the Asian market today to get bok choy for the smoothies (YES. That's what the German therapist said to eat along with the kale in the shake. Ew. And until now I've been afraid to do it.) Really, bok choy is very mild and full of water, so it will probably taste pretty good in the smoothies. So I went to the huge Asian market on 900 south between 4th and 5th east in Salt Lake and I'm like, "screw the farmer's market!" j/k (kind of). I found a big kohlrabi for .45, a bag of 6 bok choys for $1.89, and bags of herbs for .99 each. Gold mine! Oh and 5 limes for a buck and three lemons for the same. And I found this crazy cute porcelain jar for $6.99. In these Asian markets they usually have really great gift ideas that you wouldn't expect to find, like bowls and decorative chopstick holders and unique figurines for really cheap(y). So my friend who is really sweet but she has this slight gothic side is coming to visit me in a week and this pot is perfect. It has this delicate flower pattern on it, with two little bats! yeah, bats. It's adorable.

So it looks like I'll just be going here for my mint and basil and citrus (and kolhrabi, none of this $3 a bulb shenanigans at the markets anymore). I love the farmer's markets and what they stand for, but they can be spendy price! And there is nothing wrong with saving. If I wanted to be a detective I could ask the Asians where they get their produce, but it looks pretty amazing to me so far. And I really don't want to turn into an organic/local Nazi by all means. I just want to be healthy. Plus I just like exploring. If you do go to the farmer's market I like to look at everything first, then buy. Someone's bag of cherries may be $1 or two less than the tent next to it. Be a detective. That's a good motto.

~Smobergirl

Hippie breakfast

Buckwheat groats, dried goji and Inca berries, black walnut pieces, chia seeds; and farmer's market blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, and cherries. I mixed the cocoa maca powder in guava juice and poured it over everything. It's delicious.

You should had tasted my salmon last night. One of my AA friends is a grill master, and knew exactly what to do with fish. He just put a little lemon pepper on it and it was the envy of all of the hot dog and hamburger eaters. I brought a lemon to put on it (and it's really awesome to grill a 1/2 lemon upside down) but I forgot to use it! I really didn't need it, and the fish from Aquarius I am never disappointed in. Dinner was that, about 1/4 cup guacamole with five or seven baked blue corn chips, and 3 ounces of bread pudding with a reduced raspberry sauce made by a mother-daughter team at the BBQ. Two hours later the guac was scraped clean! What a good feeling. Well, I also heard that actors, DJs, musicians, and former alcoholics will eat just about anything in front of them. I was still proud and I did a bang-up job. My secret is the perfect lime juice/sea salt/avocado ratio then you can put whatever you want in it. And I only mash the avocado with a fork. I like it that way so it stays chunky.

~Smobergirl

Day 69.

Huh....uh.....huh.....huh.....



The guac was exceedingly successful at the non-alcoholic BBQ I went to at my friend's last night. I would box the stuff if I had the opportunity. I saw a show last night on the Cooking Channel, a new station presented by The Food Network, about local food success stories. One was a place in Portland I discovered two years ago called Hot Lips Pizza. (which has nothing to do with a M.A.S.H. reference) Luckily for the owner, she took over her father's pizza joint. But it was her husband who wanted to make soda out of local fruits that blew them up. Now I can even find it at a local grocer's. I did order their habenero sauce online last year, but I will bring one of their sodys to a party if I feel the need to drink something sweet, and I'm not a big advocate of soda. In fact I know it's unhealthy, but a local sustainable one, I will drink occasionally. All it is is fruit, lime juice, sugar, and carbonated water. No corn product whatsoever. (I read a LOT of Michael Pollan in my last nutrition class. Almost everything processed is made out of industrial corn. High fructose corn syrup being a big one, and it's made with the tiniest amount of sulfuric acid. You heard right.)

So it's a much better day today! I am learning to diminish if not obliterate the 'stinkin thinkin' and the anxiety. It is truly all in my head and I sound really strange and really unrealistic when I speak of it. I think I want to either be punished in life, or I really do make mountains out of molehills. And I know for a fact I can be just like my perfectionist father used to be. I will paint, play with Rico (my guitar), learn more Francais, get some raw cocoa ice cream from The People's Market (Sundays 10-3 at the International Peace Gardens, 1000 S. 900 W. in SLC) go to a free yoga class, lift with Cathe on the TV, and pass out.

So, 90 days sober and smober will be in 21 days, and where can I go in 21 days?

Have a wonderful Sunday! Eat your fresh Summer fruits and veggies!

~Smobergirl

Good eats

I think I'm being well-balanced today. Breakfast: Smoothie. Kale, farmer's mkt raspberries and blueberries, juice of 1/2 lime, cocoa maca powder, chia seeds, hemp seeds, flax seeds, water, ice. Lunch: Leftover penne pomodoro from Tin Angel (tomatoey and parmesaney goodness) with fresh yellow cherry tomatoes, basil, thyme, and arugula from the farmer's market. I told the fishmonger there today whom I was flirting with that I'm basically a farmer's market slut. How's that for a pickup line? I got a filet of sockeye salmon from him and that's dinner at my friend's BBQ tonight (most of the peeps there will be former crazy drunks like myself) and I'll make my famous guacamole. It will be famous, I'm working on that evil master plan.

~Smobergirl

# sing pretty well.

# More guitar and less denial.

And I could use less procrastination! I love guitar! Why am I not practicing enough? I really love playing and I am progres

Never say never

Well that's it, no more posting though phone text! Didn't I say that before? I made Ani Phyo's coconut pudding (vegan and raw) 2 days ago and it's so good. I like to slice fruit in it, like the farmer's market apricots I just got and a banana. I also sprinkled cacao nibs in this one. I made a berry smoothie with all the weird seeds and berries, sans kale, ran out. Made zucchini 'noodles' for lunch. I may get a salmon fillet for dinner from the Sugarhouse farmer's market. I am now making my own vegan milks, which is cheaper than store bought and I made a chocolate black sesame seed one that was really gross yesterday, but somehow delicious today by sitting in the fridge. I think I'll keep up the hippie lifestyle somewhat until my brother gets married at least. I really, really, really want my arms to slim down. That's pretty much the only self-conscious part I have right now.

I just enrolled for 2 online classes for the fall, ALGEBRA (wooooooo) and environmental chemistry. I'm actually curious and a little excited to brush up on math and actually see if it's any easier now that I'm older. (please God please God) I get a sense of euphoria going back to school. I really like it and can't wait to get on campus this Winter. I also want to hit the football games like I'd said I'd do last year.

Well off to guitar lessons. Bloat is still down and I am tired as hell getting to sleep late. But in a skirt and feeling good otherwise. Anxiety has gone down about 85%. Maybe the maca is working?

~Smobergirl

keeps going down and it could be the shakes. I'm also starting to "see" smaller, toned arms through my thick ones.

morning. I wasn't puffy and I'm on the treadmill wearing a sports bra and shorts. I'm still slightly highly but I'm tighter than I was in May! The bloat

even though there were shots and beer being passed all around me. I thought I wanted a bean burrito from Beto's, then that crave passed. Payed off this

Feeling good!

Woke up refreshed at 9 even though I was up until 1 watching one of my favorite bands play from Idaho. I didn't even think about drinking,

The skinny.

Oh my gosh I have abs. It's not rocket science, if you drink shakes all day you will lose weight. If you drink shakes for breakfast like I am that helps too. The weight lifting, power yoga, walking, Gilad, etc is probably contributing as well. Oh, and not drinking.

I did 20 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of Gilad this morning. For breakfast I tried something wild and crazy, because I'm a wild and crazy girl: Red onion shake. You heard me. I read in Oxygen magazine (not affiliated with the TV channel) that heck if you can have a salad with red onions and strawberries.....you get the point. I was actually happy with it.

Smobergirl's Wild And Crazy Red Onion Shake:

1/4 cup red onion
5 strawberries
1/2 cup cold water
1 ounce cocoa maca powder
1 tsp chia seeds
6 goji berries
5 Inca berries
1 small bunch kale

Blend and enjoy!

It's a good day today. I did have another coughing spurt, the first in two weeks. I am being promised the coughing up gunk will end after the 3 month quit period. I am upgrading my DJ equipment today to digital, joining the 21st century. That's exciting! And I'm going to see Ben Folds play with our local symphony. Perhaps in the rain. Still even more exciting!


~Smobergirl
Two months today.

My testimony.

Seeds, kale, maca, and raw foods are the true church. Well at least the "Fix Me" salads and Vinca's recommended smoothies seem to be. Without them this morning I was tired and I even got a little ill eating a steamed artichoke. For breakfast. With iced coffee. Gross.

I didn't go to sleep until 3 am. I woke up at 9 and rolled around in bed until 10. I didn't feel terrible, just a little sleepy. Then I planned on doing power yoga right away. (a new promise to my bishop, I will get down on my knees every morning and do cat-cow pose into down dog) I poured a glass of cold-pressed iced coffee and started...what did I do? I found an artichoke starting to dry out in the fridge so I took out my trusty Oster steamer and started to trim the leaves. Oh then I called my mom and we talked for an hour. Then I played with the cats on the balcony. Then 11:45 rolls around so I put the artichoke in the steamer and I squeezed 1/2 a lemon in the water. Set the timer for 45. Did yoga. And saw a cauliflower in the fridge that has been sitting there for weeks. It was a little spotted but I trimmed them off...hold on let me see if that's bad...oh yeah. Me smart. I only found that it's a sign of going bad and avoid it, but not like it's a poisonous mold or anything, well I didn't SEE anything that said that. Maybe it's like any veg going bad but if you cut out the brown it won't kill you. I hope. So I made Matt Amsden's raw mashed potatoes with it and put a little truffle oil on top. Delicious but I hope I don't die. I was about to make his Asian slaw when I had 5 artichoke leaves dipped in the vegan ranch (that's getting a bit old now too) and my stomach started churning. What am I thinking? Iced coffee, artichokes, and bad ranch and cauliflower for breakfast?? WTF??? And after 2 1/2 weeks of eating power shakes instead? Major difference. On top of that, I saw later that the artichoke water was black from bits of metal chipping off of the heating core underneath. Great. No more steamer, it's done, off to the garbage room. So I tossed the choke and the ranch and made the most incredible 'noodles' out of a kohlabri ( my new farmer's market discovery) and a beet that I put in my handy dandy spiral slicer. Now I feel better. I put in some shake ingredients (kale, chia seeds, lemon, and hemp seeds) and the dressing, besides the lemon juice, was Bragg's Aminos (kind of like a soy sauce) and apple cider vinegar. I added mint, basil, and cherry tomatoes. Then I sprinkled it with sesame seeds. Then for 'dessert' I had a handful of my shake ingredients: goji berries and dried Incan berries. I am starting to go a lot more hippie with my food since I started drinking those shakes. But it makes me FEEL good. I don't get pits in my stomach, I feel 'normal', and I think Vinca's right: my hormones could very well be balanced. Because remember? Wine + Depo Provera + cigarettes= major hormone imbalance! Not to mention nutrition deprivation and dehydration. And after a month quit I started having major anxiety remember? And at that time I was eating chocolate mousse cakes, cheese, O.D.ing on iced coffee, and salty food for breakfast, even though I thought I was being somewhat healthy making some things at home. But I did eat out a lot, and I didn't know exactly what was put into my food then.

Fruits and veggies are good for you. We all know that. But it's like exercise, most of us don't get into it until we actually try it for a few minutes, or a few weeks. It's like...starting a new habit?

~Smobergirl

Day 60.

Two months on Saturday. It's seems so long yet not long enough. But I feel pretty awesome. I rode the bike today and didn't huff and puff, yet I sweat buckets and turned red due to the 97 degree weather, high elevation, and incline which deceivingly looks not so steep going up 200 south. But I still felt good. Even though one guy yelled out his car "learn to signal!" and I learned bikers can never win. I signaled with my left arm pointing to the left lane, got in the lane and stopped behind the car in front of me at a red light. Then I followed him, no signal, I was already there and figured it wasn't necessary. Then stupid dummy head behind me shouts at me. Any bicycle-ettiquite experts out there? You either signal wrong, too much, too little, it's only okay to walk your bike on the sidewalk and crosswalk, no it's okay to ride it on the sidewalk, I see cars honking at bikes in the left turn lane just because they are in the left turn lane...I feel sorry for bicyclists. Or are Utahns just ignernt? Did you know, that "bicycle" was the first word I got in my first spelling bee ever, and I messed it up. I went "b-y" and it was over. I was in the third grade.


Hang on a sec...

http://www.njmc.org/etiquette/

That's more for bikers, but entertaining nonetheless.

I just wished I lived in Amsterdam or Japan sometimes. It gives me one more reason to hate Utah drivers.

My clothes are still fitting better. I think it's the shakes. Maybe lifting with Cathe. Why wasn't it the lack of alcohol?? Why?? Making up for it in desserts and eating out maybe? Maybe because I also quit smoking and I just stayed the same because I would had lost weight but my metabolism slowed down due to quitting cigarettes and it all just evened out? Maybe.


Well I just went nuts on a cleaning spree and all of the sudden it's 12:38 am. Walked Bandit up and down the hall. There's a new coffee shop opening down the street. No more "I have to go to Starbucks" when I walk anymore. Woot!

~Smobergirl

Kicking ass today. Got a skirt on (a rarity) and a local band tank given to me yesterday. Feeling sexy. I don't feel that my weight has gone down drastically, but I look better. I look younger and toned and maybe it's the sun. Maybe it's kale. I'll tell you since I've been making the shakes I've noticed the difference. I've also cut out a lot of dairy, meat, and processed carbs. It's a lovely day out there. I also have more energy today and I'll do Cathe and walking or skating today.
~Smobergirl

Oh yeah and for my previous post on the spinach salad. Sorry Vinca I had spinach. I really don't feel guilty about that. Come on it's spinach!

Okay. Ate 1/2 of the 1/2 croissant and all of the dairy-laden and meat filling with celery and red onion. I was craving a crunchy, salty, sweet bite. The magic three us humans can't seem to live without. And it was instant gratification, but I feel a little heavy after only 1/2 a croissant sand. I'm also starting to turn Lisa Simpson on my meat morals. My step-mom is the same way. I think I'll go back to just fish I make at home or raw, no dairy, and no meat. I seem to feel happier that way. That's me. I'm now going to the fresh market for shrooms for dinner and something citrus to clean the mayo. However I'm still diggin my tea! I need to call a sound guy for a concert series I'm working with the SLC Film Center (great people I like working with) and practice guitar before my radio show. I'll bring a snack like the rest of the sour cherries and throw in some walnuts.

~Smobergirl

No coffee

After my shake I ran an errand where there was a Starbucks that I keep swearing I'll never go back to (they put more ice in my iced coffee instead of cold coffee when I asked for no room one day, and number two it's Starbucks) and I had one sip and thought why do I keep doing this? I don't really like it so much as doing the ritual. I think I'm addicted to the habit of getting one each morning, and perhaps afternoon. I have an iced mango tea now and I'm much happier. It tastes a thousand times better and it's probably better for me. Okay done with the coffee rant. Now I need to stop this food rebelling. Got a 1/2 chicken salad sandwich on a croissant to counter act the healthy breakfast shake. Ha.

Thinking problem.

I need to realize I'm only almost 2 months quit after a 7 year habit, and drinking since college and smoking since I was 24. I just turned 39. I think it may take more like 3 months to break a habit and not 3 weeks. I want to get to the point where there is no way I'd touch another Nat Sherman cigarette and I don't pine over a wine dinner invitation, show, or someone drinking it by me. And no I'm not switching to weed, for some friends who I'm sure mean well.

Last night I had the euphoria salad at Sage's Cafe. I mean it's not called that but it took me there. It's their Spinach salad, and in the 5+ years I've been going there I have never had it. It's wilted, has grilled pears, candied walnuts, red onions, and portabellos. I honestly had an outer body experience.

My favorite "green shake" or shake in general to make in the mornings is mixed berries. And they say the darker the color, the better for you. This morning I mixed kale, mint, coconut water, and my funky powders and seeds with fresh raspberries and frozen blueberries. So awesome. My weight is down to 143 from 150. I got up to 155 last Winter. On the morning shakes I feel that I look better, the bloat is going down even more, and my clothes are fitting better. Either it's the shakes or time not drinking alcohol. Or both.

I hung out with the AA crew I met months ago last night at a coffee shop, not were this sign is, after dinner and had a really good time. They reminded me that the quit goes well for about a month because we are determined, then we usually want to give in later because we were so good. That's a no-brainer and I understand why month 2 has been tougher. But every morning I do thank my lucky stars for behaving myself. One of the peeps last night relapsed a month ago and said she felt awful physically and emotionally. Jekyll and Hyde, Man. Been there done that.

Make it a lovely Monday!

~Smobergirl

"Focus on what you want, and don't waste energy worrying about what you don't want." ~Ani Phyo

Okay that sucked. And now I'm back to not wanting those vices. Whew. Fuck. You know, I think Utah is full of people who are always polite, me being one of them, and trying to make everyone happy. The latter is just me in general. So when I drank it was actually fun to give people what I REALLY felt. Good times. Now I just try to be somewhere in between, or more appropriately just honest. Telling the truth (in a sober state) does set you free. So I'm on my third iced coffee, bought 2 pairs of leggings, 3 pairs of socks, and a big comfy tee from Urban Outfitters. You should really check out their hot pink squirrel socks. I smell a trend! So, yeah that crave was the worst in a few weeks. I was all ready to have a glass of wine to "see" if I got sick. I am over that now, going home to maybe paint a cherry stem and check email in bed.

Love,

Smobergirl

Had a tough time at dinner. God damn mother fudger stab me in the eye with a hot poker. My friends had wine and I was about to lose it. Walking to gelato place now. Then maybe some window shopping.

Kaletastic!

I think Sarma and Vinca have me hooked on kale. The #1 reason is that I'm looking better. I think it's the shakes in the morning that are slimming me down a bit, and I'm into the roughness of the pumpkin seed salad from Sarma's book Raw Food Real World. That pumpkin seed oil, spendy but I'm loving it. You can modify by just using pumpkin seeds (pepitas). The kale seems to be buried in this salad but it's there! The green round slices are a weird veg I found at the Sugarhouse farmer's market called kohlrabi. I peeled and sliced it, and it has a cabbage/artichoke taste. And it's fabulous dipped in Cali's ranch. It would be great dipped in anything really. I also found those edible flowers at the market and they taste like radishes!

I woke up at 9:30 and lifted to Cardio Blast with Cathe Friedrich. Doing that for three weeks twice a week so far has boosted my esteem and toned up my shoulders. I missed my shake (ruh roh) and went straight to the Fix Me salad. Yeah I had my iced coffee. Time for a bath then spending time with friends. Feeling a little anxious and past guilt from my former drunken shenanigans (it's just not going away!) but I'm going to wash that now with a face mask and bubbles.

Love,

Smobergirl

Food stuffs. And progress.

I just worked on a smaller owl painting. Looks awesome. I have been complaining for the last month about (everything) that my place is too small and I hate the location. However I painted on my balcony with kitties and it was very nice. My place is actually pretty frick awesome, and low maintenance. I also had food euphoria, and too much, learned a lesson. I went to the first Sugarhouse (a place I secretly would rather live) farmer's market and found the best sour cherries! Look how pretty they are. My friends from Caputo's and Aquarius were there too. Then I was going to eat at home, but poor me it's Friday night and I want to be social, so I went to Rusted Sun pizza and blew it! I ate 1/2 a buffalo chicken calzone, no cheese and no breading on the chicken, but I'm still waddling! Their calzone bread is way too rustic and delicious. My theory: butter in the bread and sugar in the buffalo sauce. It was good while it lasted. Hippies own the place, and everything seems high quality and freshly made. And you have to have a ponytail to work there. But the price is right for a local joint, and there's plenty of The Doors and James Taylor to be had playing in the kitchen.

I don't feel too terrible. But when I eat the raw stuff, even desserts, I feel light and not sick. Sometimes when I eat vegan but cooked desserts I'll feel heavy. Soy oil could be the culprit there. I'm just on this roll with the green shakes and a salad for lunch that I am feeling fabulous. But I'm realizing with dinner I'll 'reward' myself with something heavy. However, I am already looking better. Still lifting 2x a week, still walking 20 minutes a day. Still doing yoga. The bloat has gone down more. Yippee. Now I need to work on the dinner thing.

~Smobergirl

Don't die with your shit still in you.

Did I do a blog on this? It makes sense. A musician friend who also paints told me this a few years ago. This is one of the reasons why I'm painting. It's not only good through the withdrawals, but I like what I do and for me if not anyone else, I want to see what I can do. My mom's side and my brother and I have always been artistically inclined, I've just been more interested in wine for the past seven years. But believe you me I have a storage closet full of art crap. And I have to thank my mother mostly for that. Painting like guitar or learning French on my laptop is probably better and cheaper therapy than traditional.

However, in the last 3 weeks I've never been so manic in all my life, and I'm pretty sure it's not the drug. I made Sarma's "fix me" salad again with the kale, herbs, and pumpkin seed oil (which is divine). And I covered it in quinoa, avocado, yellow beans, Moroccan olives, garlic scapes, sliced radish, and cherry tomatoes. I do know that herbs make me feel energized and balanced, and avocados are a 'calming food'. I can attest to that as well, and I looove avos! I seriously need to box my guacamole.

However, I don't know if I should believe that the holistic mumbo jumbo is working and just say "well I'm emotionally detoxing" or if I should think that I'm just chemically imbalanced. One dude I dated two years ago called me bi-polar, but, ahem, I was drinking on contraception and I would call him at 5 am asking why he wouldn't call on his trips. (he was a pilot) Yeeeah. Good times. But not bi-polar at least not last I checked, and definitely not in the last 55 days.

So, fudge. I'm giving it three months and if I keep getting depressed...I dunno. Maybe I'll give it six months. I can tell you this and maybe we can do the research: My old probation officer from 2005 (DUI) said that police can detect traces of alcohol in hair follicles up until 3 months of sobriety. Maybe I should do a test on August 17? And speaking of hair, who's that fine specimen?

That painting is not Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse. It was supposed to be. I got an email 3 hours before their concert last night from a record shop holding a contest for VIP seats to make a portrait of him. So I'm like, "Wow this is a sign to keep painting! I'll make a masterpiece!". Wonk wonk. It was fun, but when I finished the painting copied from a photo older than I thought I forgot he has a beard now. And he's not that thin. Actually I don't think he looks like that at all. But didn't I make a cute mouse! It would have taken less time to draw a circle with a beard and a guitar but Hell look what I can do in an hour. At least my shit is coming out. I did step back and realized I'm not too shabby. So anyone wanna buy some mean-looking thin dude with a fat, silver mouse on his shoulder? You have to admit it kinda looks like a Nagel. It's the eyes.

~Smobergirl

Well I wish I felt like last night! Woke up at 6, then at 9:15. Tired and a little anxiety, but I shook it off. Going to get hair touched up.

Who's got the herb?

Well, I know what cures the anxiety attacks. Mint!! I just ate it in a salad I got from Sarma's book Raw Food Real World and started painting. I then got a little goofy and really got into the huge cherry I was painting. (it could also be the sexually strange and strangely charming French musical "Love Songs" I was watching) Mint stimulates the nervous system without making you jittery, and is great for the respiratory tract, attention smokers! Now I'm in the bawth drinking a cold-press concoction I made from Tea Grotto of chamomile, lavender, and Moroccan mint. Yes I is nekkid hee hee! Crazy good. Life can't be better. What anxiety?

~Smobergirl

Drowsiness, headache, metallic or garlic taste in mouth. Those are the potential side effects of Antabuse. Pretty good. I've only been tired, and I get headaches only when I have emotional detox tantrums. And I eat tons of garlic so...

But it's this anxiety thing that I am just learning to tackle. I've always been a worry wart and my friends can tell you that. I just got a fun painting display opportunity two days ago and I'm already mentally sabotaging it. This is good, because this morning I realized how ridiculous my thinking can be. This isn't a competition, like I'm used to in radio and theater, this is just me. And am I afraid of myself? Not really. :) Not really at all.

~Smobergirl

Had a crazy my-brain-hurts type o day. Session with Vinca dug up my childhood. THAT'S always fun. It's supposed to make me feel better but it made me tired and head-achey. Feel better with pizza in front of me. Then maybe paint and bed.

I wasn't being sarcastic. Antabuse is saving my ass. I do feel like two different people. At night, and it's only about once a week now, the party animal/lonely wino/demon whatever you call it comes out. And nowadays in the morning I thank my lucky stars not only that I didn't give in but couldn't, unless I wanted to get insanely ill. More appropriately I'd call it the issue monster. It's all in my brain and I need to be more realistic sometimes. My "issues" are loneliness, regret, not feeling good enough, and looks mostly. Not enough to get my granny panties all up in a wad. I look fine, we all make mistakes, being single has fabulous benefits, and I am good enough strong enough and dog gone it people like me. Also I wouldn't be weight lifting and painting my ass off if I was drinking, and those outlets are greatly relieving my stress. Lesson #1: If you quit any long term habit and god forbid two at the same time, you probably will go a little nuts for a while. Lesson # 2: Exercise, throwing tantrums, eating mood-boosting fruits and calming foods like pistachios and avocados, maybe not O.D.ing on iced coffee so much, and getting a hobby seriously help on the rollercoaster ride.

Love,

Smobergirl

love this drug! I also love these text posts. Did I tell you already? But I felt groggy this morning and a little irritable. Then I made my green shake with strawberries this time. Pretty good. The "green" was farmer's market kale, mint from my planter, and mustard greens also from the farmer's mkt. Hopefully that will kick in soon and I'll feel like Wonder Woman. For now it's iced coffee and XM Radio 80. That's the techno channel. Oh there is somewhat good news. I may show my "dessert" art to the local bakery I get my precious iced coffees with the coffee ice cubes. That would be spectacular. They get a ton of business. Keeping fingers crossed. Which reminds me I need to get some gold leaf.

Enjoy the warm day~

Smobergirl

P.S. 50 days smober and sober

Not feeling too peachy nor keen this morning.

Woke up from a weird dream. I was on reality TV and I don't want to talk about it. Furthermore, I had the third bad crave in three weeks. I just wanted to throw it all away and wine up. But of course I literally couldn't and I painted more art instead. Thank God! I l

Catch up.

Stupid texts. Okay. I had a birthday. I'll be 40 in a year and I'm actually cool about it and thankful I have good genes and quitting the bad stuff before I do look potentially shitty. I got spoiled. I ate a lot. I bought lots of expensive fizzy water and tonic. Vinca wants me to make a shake every morning for breakfast, which I do like. It's basically a green drink with weird seeds and root powder and stuff. Sometimes I'll think I'll starve early but I don't, and I do have an iced coffee after it. I don't know if that's cheating. Green shake has to include:

Maca powder~Chock full of 60 phyto-nutrients or so

Chia seeds~ Yes the same ones you see on Chia Pets. Turns into a gel in your gut slowing down the process of carbs turning into sugar. It's supposed to be really healthy....

Kale

Collards

Fruit

Hemp

Flax

Goji berries and other dried super berries

Water or coconut water or home made almond milk

NO spinach! Apparently it robs minerals (I'm not buying that but okay Vinca)

NO soy milk! It will mess with my hormones, and we don't want that do we?

I make it pretty tasty. If you put in orange or lemon it takes away the nasty green flavor. And maca tastes like malt kind of, which I like.

The asparagus up there is local and is so much tastier than the conventional stuff.

I'm painting up a storm and put most of my stuff up on facebook. Feeling pretty good. I'm actually being creative for once in years.

I am going up to PC tomorrow to see the parade with my bro and his fiance. Bloody Marys at 9 am. Make mine a virgin! (Note: Tomatoes and tomato products are proven to reduce sun burning. I saw it on Dr. Oz.)

~Smobergirl

Well dammit. I'm just going home to finish this long-awaited post. Screw testing, I mean texting.

XM Radio is trying to cheer me up. I need t