Whew. More depressed action today, but I'm trying to observe it and not get wrapped up in it. I can't wait for this time next year when the Depo Provera should be completely out of my system and see if it's the culprit. The more I read those forums about Depo connected to suicidal thoughts and depression, the more I am believing that's the culprit and I'm not normally like this. Can you sue companies for messing with your hormones? Didn't think so. I don't consider myself to feel burnt out so easily, but I am a little hesitant to get my teacher training, well yeah maybe because I've tried so hard at many other things and nothing has really stuck. Well yeah I've been a radio DJ for 18 years, but always a part-timer, making no more than $10 an hour, and completely volunteering now. (My mobile business makes good money when I have the gigs. I just wish I could get 1-2 weddings or events a week instead of 1-2 a month.) It's the scenario when you paint a pretty picture with a new job/career then it's not what you expected. But I have this notion that teaching yoga will improve my life, and in turn I'll help others. I am quite the nurturer, I don't want kids, but for example I liked to steer local bands in the right direction. The training covers a boatload of stuff: Diet, Ayurveda, history, breathing, interning, mentorship.
A friend told me that a past fan of mine was trashing me, especially since my recovery. Of course the first thing I wanted to do is figure out what my problem is, and WTF, but I would only suffer in my own head. Someone once told me last year, "Even sober, and if you try to be the best person in the world, you will still piss people off one way or the other." That's something we all should know. With my anxieties, once in a while, including today, I'd ask "Why does everyone hate me?". I know, I'm going mad. So in turn, I just let it go. I know I am "brave" talking about this, but this is how I'm feeling right now. Maybe it is Post Vacation Stress Disorder. I did catch myself saying that I wanted to get out of this town. Move to CA where THE BEACH IS. I feel better now. I went to a free yoga event and my sweet neighbor came with me. She's Indian and grew up doing yoga, but just as a kid.
Then I made a quick dinner: Pesto (so easy and you don't have to use pine nuts, or basil for that matter. Most nuts and greens will do with garlic, sea salt, and olive oil) of pistachios, and basil from the Asian market. Quinoa, chantarelles, grape tomatoes, and avocado were dumped into a bowl and I poured the pesto on top. Then I had a romaine leaf with muhammara leftover from lunch at Mazza. Yummy. I had an iced tea with lime juice. I love citrus. It's a good body cleanser for your insides, and you can rub a lemon or lime on your face (YEEESSSSS) as a toner. It may even fade spots. Yes I am typing with lime on my face, chest, and hands right now. Limey.
So yeah I'm laughing the 'stinkin thinkin' off. It really is worth it to NOT think about the past or worry about the future. Easy, but we are so good at doing all that shit. I just need to get out of my head. More often than not. I worry about having a career, that's why I'm stewing. Kinda upset about this trash talk by someone I met once. Pish! Doing much better. Chilling now. Full. Happy. Stretched out.
~Smobergirl
Day 138
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