Zen in 2010.

You know it! Yoga is medicine, like Baron Baptiste told me at a Mexico bootcamp three Mays ago. You feel a thousand times more relaxed after power yoga, and a high. Why I didn't do it consistently starting August 18 beats the heck out of me. Now I'm starving. It's Amy's mac n' cheese and a big salad when I get home.

90 in 90.

I think I going to attempt something crazy, since I'm already there. Ha ha. The AA meetings obviously were not happening. But I think the church of Smobergirl would be into 90 yoga classes in 90 days. I'd lose the weight faster, and it would be better for my soul than listen to a bunch of stories. AA has helped so many, I am not knocking it, but I get a sence of euphoria when I do a physical activity then meditate. I'm going for it starting today.

~Smobergirl

Diamonds

I hope this pic does justice. I love the snow here. Sometimes I even love driving in it (because I have a Subie and it kicks ass). But I mostly love it when it sparkles on the ground when it's fresh. I was in 1st grade on the front lawn one day and I saw snow on the hill sparkling. I'd pretend they were diamonds and I'd sit in the middle and they'd sparkle all around me. Can you see the sparkles?

I'm crying my brains out but I am not a victim and I feel better. I meditated and forgave myself and the people I had conflicts with. Mentally I cut the cord from my old work, the bottle and the pack. They do not serve me anymore. And I need to leave my old boss alone with no more blotto emails before I get served or something. In order to do that I need me back. Drunk me is the Hyde to the real me. I can't trick myself anymore. No more denial. This is serious. I need to fudging grow up. It's time to heal and move on and jump in with faith with both feet. It's gonna hurt. But it will get much better. Oh and that was my soup tonight at Sage's. I got love soup!

I can do this, and sometimes you have to die in order to live.

~Smobergirl

I am at a nice coffeehouse having my second iced coffee. I don't want to go home and I feel alone and scared. Well what do you know, my dad just called. He must have known! I just want to prove my point that if you put positive things in your body life will be much easier and better. See how crappy mine is right now? It's like the movie sliding doors. What would my life be like if I wasn't a drunk? Let's find out, eh?

I am giving up on myself. My step-mom said my step-sis who I think is ten years younger than I am, cries all the time because she can't find the right guy. I'm way past her and is this what happens when you feel alone and worked your butt off trying to get your dream job and you are just one step below but 14 years go by and you start self-destructing? I'm going crazy. I turning into something I'm not. Please lock me up. A padded room and a nice white jacket with long sleeves feels pretty tempting right now. Great now I have the song Institutionalized stuck in my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. Well, I do. I just watched the movie Nine and there was a line in it that struck a chord. "Don't let the devil use your creativity."

Changes.

One problem an alchie has is a number of sayings to 'end' his or her alcoholism. "Never again" is a good one, but in my case, "On New Years Eve" is also a good one. However I have another plan. It's not good, because I am drinking right now and I owe you all $20 each. My brilliant plan is tonight is the last hurrah, and how many last hurrahs have I had? I want to keep it this time. Tomorrow I will stay sober, and NYE I have to stay sober because NYD I have a yoga class at 10 am, then things are going to change. They have to change.

~Smobergirl

Day four and doing great. The holidays were spectac! so far and I got a lot of cool stuff. My brother gave me a DJ Hero! It's pretty awesome. My mom gave me a TJ Maxx card and I went to the one in Park City because they seem to have nicer stuff up there. I was milli g about on the store this morning and Moby's "Stars" comes on the intercom. I adore Moby and met him once. So I going through the purse isles looking for an Italian brand they sometimes carry. When the song ends, I'm at the end of the last bag isle and there staring at me is a gun-metal gray patent-leather Arcadia tote. (that's the brand) So I get it. There ya are. It was a good day.

Merry Christmas!

First smober holiday for me. I can do this!

Going to my father's tomorrow. He only asks for expensive red wine every year. But I have to handle it. Going to the wine store to get it was uneasy. I'll just have to eat a lot, which is no problem since my step-mom is an outrageous cook!

Have a wonderful and safe holiday.

~Smobergirl

Life.

No I'm not drunk, my thinking problem just came back. I'm crazy, naive, or brilliant. I can't figure out which. Because my creative mind comes up with something innovative to find out others have been trying to solve the same problem all along.

This is what I'm thinking now: It's a shame how we judge ourselves on how others judge us. Not everyone is like this, but I think most of us are, and especially me. Is there a way our government or schools can educate us or prevent destructive situations like this? Verbal abuse; being better than others judged on class, job position, or education; or bullies in school can they be prevented? Because sadly these behaviors and means can drastically change people's lives. That's my thinking of the day. Lost season 3 episode 8 was an influence to write this. Ha yeah I'm watching it again. It's sad to put labels on people. You can be the most loving, generous person but be judged on your car, job, looks, trust fund...

What I am saying is that if we all want to be accepted the treat others the like. Believe it or not if you slander someone they will cower or rebel. It's simple. Why don't we teach this at schools? The popular kids, the geeks, the depressed. Come on. It's simple but it affects all of us. It seems simple but especially in our grade school and teen years it effects all of us.

I was a spoiled kid with everything I needed. Apparently I was a genius reading the newspaper when I was two. According to my mom in 1st grade I could not even spell cat because my dad had me take laughing gas that year from my dentist. You know what she said? "Everything went downhill from there." One: Great news from your own mother right? But then, it wasn't me, it was her own experience. And how can your own mother do that to you? Because she had it hard, I should too? She grew up in a wealthy family who praised her baby sister and ignored her. Two: She had a son and a daughter. And the daughter in her eyes should have been pretty, smart, and happy all of the time. Well I cried a lot. Mainly because my father was verbally mean and old-fashioned to my mother, which she turned to my brother and I to make her happy. I'd get bad grades and my dad took me out of my one love, dancing. Then my mom would say. "What are you crying about now? You are supposed to be smiling and happy. I give you all you want, you spoiled little shit." That was my nickname. More to come.

I started another blog about improving every child's life then stopped it. I will continue to post that issue here.

See you later,

~Smobergirl.

Best day ever, again. :)

I think in AA or Quitnet.com people say 'best day ever' to cover up the fact that they are having a hard time. I'm actually meaning it. It must be the holidays coming up, but I am now excited to improve my life and not drink. Yoga is helping immensely with that now. I also had an epiphany with the coffee. Since my mom gave me the Hourglass there is a notable difference in the taste. I don't taste anything bitter or metallic, and now I'm diluting it with soy milk. this is my next step in cutting out caffeine or at least the acid. I also have been combining it with Teechino.

I do admit I'm still going through the emotional detox, but I'm trying to just observe it instead of freaking out. I teared up a little after yoga, which is normal.

Have a wonderful snow day!

~Smobergirl

Four days.

I've joined the 21st century and discovered soy milk. I got one for brain and bone health (us alkies definitely need both). And added it to my 65% less acidic iced coffee. For early Christmas my mother gave me an Hourglass coffee maker which brews coffee overnight with cold water. It gets concentrated and you can dillute it with hot water or cold milk. I also got brown rice tortillas for my new grill. It's quesadillas tonight!

It's going to be a white Christmas in Utah. It is a beautiful snowy day today. I only watched two Lost episodes last night (practicing moderation) and I am going to a yoga class right now.

Namaste!
~Smobergirl

Best day ever!!!

It's snowing, I made the best lunch, and well it's kind of all about the lunch. OH and I'm making 65% less acidic coffee (it's a step), there's new episodes of Penn & Teller's Bullshit, and I am smober today. Still coughing a little, that's normal. But it's not nearly as bad as it was. Day three today. I am still doing my 90 in 90. However I've been picky with my meetings, and doing most of them online and the rest at a church nearby. I'm also spending a lot of time in that recovery chat room still.

It's a good day. I have learned to get out of my head more and stop worrying. Did I tell you in a previous post about the difference when I am long-time sober and long-time drunk? Interest. It's a magic thing that comes to me naturally. I happen to want to actually do stuff when I haven't drank in a long time. It's time I start getting things done. :)

~Smobergirl

It was a good day.

I finished it with a late night yoga class. I bought some sweet cherries today. A little spendy but cheaper than wine and cigs. And danger Dr. Smith, I got a griddle/grill for early Christmas and all I'm thinking about is grilled cheese. I did get apple for them however. Add the good with the bad. My mom also gave me an hourglass coffee and tea maker. Apparently it takes out 65% of the acid. I'll give you a report.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Sadness

However hopeful. I had a wonderful experience at a meeting tonight. There were cool people there, and I made some friends. There was even a hot guy there who worked with some friends I already have. Synchronicity is all over the place today. I met a girl who's dad is in radio whom I met forever ago. I ran into someone five days ago whom I've been thinking about for weeks who I haven't seen for two years. They call it Small Lake City for a reason.

I am doing better now that I found that other recovery chat room. I am actually chatting with someone now.

I stopped watching Lost. I was in season three. I didn't want to be stuck watching ten episodes a day. Maybe I don't want to be addicted to anything right now.

Guitar is therapy. I'm already getting better at it.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

I just have to stop.....

.....watching episodes of Lost online! I was up until 1:20 this morning and 2 yesterday morning. 18 episodes in two days. I need a life! But it is keeping me from bingeing. Can't watch it drunk or I'll forget who died or got kidnapped. Wish you could see me now. I'm in a massage chair getting a pedicure. Mom's treating. Woo. But she gave me this nice top and pants for Christmas that are a little tight so I feel a little exposed, but if I get back to my yoga weight I'd feel much more confident in them. So for breakfast I had 5 raspberries and 1/2 iced coffee-1/2 Teechino. Lunch was lentil soup and 1/2 veggie gyro with 12 ounces of water. I did pilates this morning and I'll get on the treadmill this afternoon.

~Smobergirl

"Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?" ~Lao-Tzu

I just watched six hours of lost. I need a life! That show is like crack, at least I binged on something that won't kill me. Water: one liter and drinking more now. 1 iced coffee. I made Trader Joe's rice blend (my awesome mom sends me stuff from the Las Vegas store) with Nama shoyu (raw soy sauce) and cracked pepper. Dinner is wild mushroom risotto; and fig jam, Gouda, and marcona almonds on crostini. Still eating kinda bad, but not that bad. ;) Exercise: watching six hours of Lost. I also found another recovery chatroom which I haven't been kicked out of yet. Oh did I tell you about the AA meditation? There's AA meditations! It was pretty awesome.

Namaste,
Smobergirl

Dessert: 1/2 pistachio and 1/2 Baci gelato. I'm not going to smile and hide it, I still feel bad. I feel bad for the last five years since I've been Jeckyll and Hyde. I don't want to he rude to anyone. No one owes me anything and I don't want to play victim anymore. I don't want to blackout and wonder what I did. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. Will little miricales and good karma happen if I stay clean? I'm not at all a sucidal person, but I just wanted to disappear today, just fade out. But the cool bizaare thing that happened to me is the connections I'm having. I met a girl from AA for coffee tonight who works at the paper who took out a regular article I was freelancing. I told her the editor was a victim of one of my drunken emails, again a "how dare you" and playing the victim and being rude. I stopped going to places that the editor hung out out of fear. This is what alcohol does to me. I used to think I was this dumb kid and it went through my adulthood, but actually I'm one of the smartest people I know. And I know exactly what I am doing. Kids and teachers and parents can either build your confidence or really screw you up. I just wish we were more educated about that. I am finally learning to dig myself out of that hole. And gelato does have some anti-depressant qualities. ;)

Namaste,

Smobergirl

90 in 90.

First one today: Quiet meditaion. It was really awesome. Breakfast: a green bar, five raspberries, and a banana. Lunch: minestrone soup and a little sourdough bread. Dinner: no-cheese pizza with olives, garlic, and arugula. Water: 2.5 liters. One iced coffee. One glass of apple cider.

Proposal:

$20 to each of my followers for each relapse before January 1. The holidays are always dangerous, and the excuse to wait until Jan. 1.

I'm not feeling too hot. It was a matter of trusting my instincts to flee the smoke shop when I didn't. It would have been that simple. In the mornings it's never worth it. I was angry at my old work again last night and I enjoyed reveling in it. Sober I would never do that. I'm getting emails regularly from About.com on alcohol, I should read those more. I can't even tell you the reward I get from not smoking and drinking long-term. My body feels different, my mind is definitly different. I look better, I have a ton of more energy. It's like night and day. I need to focus on that.

I slipped. I was thinking of stopping the blog but I won't. I had signals last night. The big wine store was closed due to a gas leak or something. And in line at the smoke store I had a feeling to take off and call my sponsor. It didn't happen and now I have a huge headache and case of guilt. I'm going to a meeting tonight and I guess I will go to one a day for 90 days, which is the recommendation. I have so much support now. I can't just give in like that again.

Day 8.

It was a blessed one. I feel like I'm alive again and have a sense of well being. I also have my appetite back, so I make sure I get on the treadmill, do power yoga, belly dancing or Gilad on TV to balance things out. I studied for my nutrition class final exam; proper nutrition for infants up through the elderly and during pregnancy, global issues, and food safety.

I have all of my Christmas done and put everything under my awesome tinsel tree I've had for four years. I have pine needle incense for that "Christmas tree smell". Haha. This is the website, and I love it so much: www.juniperridge.com

(Deep breath) You don't know how good I feel spiritually right now. I don't know if it's the quit or the Christmas spirit.

Namaste,

Smobergirl

Day eight

I had 1/4 of a 16 ounce iced coffee. I skipped breakfast (shame, shame). Lunch is an artichoke and fennel panini with fontina cheese and mixed greens with lemon oil. Being a little bad with the cheese. There are several yoga classes I can go to tonight. I bought a punch card so I have to use that up in the month. I think that's a wise thing to do. Get a card so you HAVE to go to classes. ;) Oh Mr. Bennett was divine last night on Jay Leno. Water yesterday: Two liters. Today: 20 ounces so far. It snowed again, which I love. Utah really gets the most perfect snow.

One week!

Thank God. I just need to wait out the craves. Simple, not easy but simple. I have energy today, feel limber, and an overall sense of well being.

~Smobergirl
Day Seven

Can't sleep.

Insomnia, a side effect of quitting. One thing I regret of not choosing events over wine is when I was In Portland two Autumns ago: I missed seeing the birds circle around a chimney for an hour then go down it. This happens every night from 6-7 pm. Two, seeing Everclear play acoustic. Apparently they never do that except in their hometown. In both instances on my trip I chose to drink a bottle of wine in my hotel room instead. Get out of your comfort zone and choose joy over boozing up.

Smobergirl.

Bon Nuit!

One week!

In less than two hours actually. Woohoo! The trick is, and one of my AA buddies told me this today, is to ignore your thinking. Like I said, we drinkies have a thinking problem, a big one. Don't think you are all better because I had a whammo moment tonight. I felt 'cured' today. "Oh, I learned my lesson finally. I'll never go back there. This is great. I'm so proud of myself!". I had my guitar lesson, actually jittery from too much coffee (still working on that one), but it was great. I ate healthy with the exception of the two yummy meatballs, went to yoga, treated myself to black cod at a fancy schmancy restaurant, then WHAMMO. "I want to get wine. I want to get Hint Of Mints. I want to cheat once and not tell anyone. I'm lonely. I'm bored. Just this once." Well, how many just once's have I had? I lost count. I have four numbers in my phone that I could call, but I just called my mom! It actually worked. I didn't tell her what I was going through, we just talked. I want to be a good influence to her and everyone around me.

My bloat has gone down despite my pecan pie binges and the meatballs. ;) My hot Deisel top and D&G jeans are still hanging on my bedroom door. I know if I binge I will continue to have my Homer Simpson face profile. I still put green powder in my spa water, which keeps me feeling good. The lemon or oranges keeps the grassy taste at bay. Wow Natalie Cole sang with the Mormon Tabernacle choir last night. Fabulous. And going to yoga classes and lifting will probably result in the body I had three years ago and perhaps better that I'm not drinking. I had friends from a theater I did plays at in the 90's who were 'skinny fat' like me. One was an aerobics teacher and one hardly ate, but boy could they party! Shots, wine, beer, you name it. They looked beautiful in their clothes or costumes, but to see them close up in a hot tub, they looked kinda squishy. Then my aerobics teacher friend got pregnant, and quit the booze. I saw her five months later and she looked so tight and trim, pregnant! I didn't ask questions, but assumed that it was the lack of drinking. Maybe she changed her diet also, I do not know. I just saw a woman like you see preggo celebs, fit with a little bowling ball in there. However, she looked more fit than she did during her drinking days.

Okay Zach Braff, Tony Bennet, and Sarah Palin are on Conan tonight. I'm recording it if anyone wants to come over this weekend.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day six.

This is going to be good. A rollercoaster probably, but good nonetheless. I'm having a great, crazy day. Still tired. I figure that no matter how hard I try, I will at least eat 70% healthy. I had more pie last night, but not a lot. And I tried to be bad today by getting a meatball Sammy at Moochie's. I've never been there. I ordered the six inch with no cheese, took one amazingly delicious bite, and one of the two enormous meatballs fell out. So I got a knife and fork and just ate the meatballs drenched in marinara. There were so many spices in there I thought I was in Europe myself. It was pretty amazing stuff. And I only had one bite of the French roll. Yay me. Maybe I won't gain a million pounds as I sercretly have worried. I hope the opposite is true and I lose during the "no alcohol diet".

Funny story: my mom wants a good foaming bubble bath. I already got her a nice one on sale at Anthropologie in a tall bottle, hm it looks like a wine bottle a bit. No I didn't drink it! I found another one at The Body Shop in a bottle that looks like a wine bottle. Then I cruised up to Park City and found another nice one by Lollia, in a wine bottle and this one has a cork down in it all the way to the flush. So she's gonna need her cork screw for this one. I did this unintentionally, and just an hour ago I realized what I have done. LOL. She'll either love them or be disappointed they are not wine.

Well that's nice, please ignore my tired face. These are officially my "before" pictures. One I'm not sucking it in, which I call the "Homer Simpson Face", or, the wine belly. mark it today, 12/10/09. Lunch was in the picture, and more leftover potato leek soup. In the photo: a raw marinated portobello mushroom from Ani Phyo, a salad, and a raw version of the brussels sprouts. I added sesame oil for a toasted flavor, which made them very tasty! I'm also having spa water with lemons and ginger chunks.

Workout: 30 minutes incline treadmill and 30 minutes weights and abs. Chest and biceps today.

~Smobergirl

Day Five

Irish oats.

I made some porridge today with oats only cooked 5 minutes instead of the instructed 30. I wanted them hearty, and to keep more vitamins in, according to raw foodists and my nutrition class. Then I added cinnamon, goji berries, blueberries, agave nectar, and walnuts. Yummy. Giada is making something good. She has another nice boobie top on this morning.

I saved $25 in cigarettes and $30+ in wine. Cool eh? I did thank my lucky stars this morning that I didn't give in last night and went to yoga, took a bath, and watched Shrek instead. See I told you this isn't easy, but simple. I got a part-time local TV offer to interview local bands once a month. I am tempted to get a Lucky Brand thermal that says "Karma" on it. I have coupons. Very tempted.

I woke up at 9. My head feels tired but my body is all ready to go. I had a smoker's cough last night and this morning. Getting out the bad stuff. My lips are still dry, I never mentioned that, from dehydration of drinking. It takes about a week to get all 'plumped up' and gorgeous again. :)

~Smobergirl

Day Five

Reverse Hulking.

Fudge me! Well you know what I mean. ;) had a bad craving but talked myself into watching Shrek The Halls followed by a hot bath in Tired Old Ass soak, now I am parked in front of a yoga studio ready to take a class. Yay me.

Namaste,

~Smobergirl
Day four

This quit is an emotional one.

So far since I've hooked up with AA I have no desire to drink but stuff definitely came out today. And if you are detoxing like I am, you need to control your brain. A lot. Either that or I'm just psycho. ;) I'd almost get envious of someone else or think I'm wasting my time by just relaxing, or thinking about a million other things; then I remember what my sponsor said that someone once said to her, "You don't have a drinking problem, you have a thinking problem." It is very true, at least for me, that substances make me lose interest in life. And I can work harder, but for now I am being good to myself and taking it easy, studying nutrition as I need to and picking up the guitar when I feel I want to. In fact I was going to wait for an evening yoga class, then I was pretty stressed and wanted to do it right away, so I did an hour a while ago and I feel much better. So there. Mind you I won't be balanced and will act coo coo for a few months perhaps. I should have said that on post #1. But this time I am actually excited for the transformation. Actually telling you the side effects is fun! I had more potato leek soup for lunch today and I think it tasted better than yesterday. I feel dizzy, which could be the oxygen rush to my brain and organs from not smoking. Well I hope that's it!

~Smobergirl

Day four

It's All In My Mind

Just like Love And Rockets said. I'm having some 'stinkin thinkin' today and I am dropping it and turning my mind around. I am actually learning a lot about myself today. My life will drastically improve without alcohol and I am going through an emotional and physical detox period. I need to be gentle with myself!

Your moood will be booosted!

That's Max Kirsten talking about drinking lots of fruit juice when you quit smoking to raise your blood sugar levels. He's right. That's apple cider next to my spa water there. I had two glasses today and I felt calmer and happy with each glass. Max is British. I also finished watching three hours of Eddie Izzard. He is pretty hysterical. I didn't have cake but I had a small slice of Carlucci's pecan pie from Thanksgiving that no one ate with my juice tonight. I figured about 250 cals vs. 600 empty wine cals should not be horrible, and at this stage, I do not feel bad doing so. I will fit into my Deisel and D&G outfit I promise. Shall I make a date? Next Christmas? Kidding. How about seeing where I'm at in 8 1/2 weeks. Because that movie is kinky. Kidding. I read in the Glamour two years ago that an editor who only drank on the weekends tried the 'no alcohol diet' for nine weeks and lost 15 pounds. Previous readers tried it and lost an average of 9-10. I know enough about nutrition that if I crave that I will make a wise choice and say, not eat the entire pie. The slice I had was about 1/2 of an average pie slice. and I drank boatloads of water to make sure I was full quickly. I also did 20 minutes of yoga, and plan to do something more active yet fun tomorrow. I took a hot ginger bath with peppermint and lavender oils to sweat out some toxins and to relax. I promise NOT to be neurotic if I want a slice of cake (cake please) from SL RoCo or more Beto's, or more pecan pie from the fridge. I also know that my anxieties will only be temporary.

Bonsoir!

~Smobergirl

Day three.

Ow.

I just cut my finger making Sara Snow's healthy potato leek soup. It was pretty tasty though. No dairy involved. And I'm getting better with the brussels sprouts recipe. Heck I half 1/2 stalk left! I'm getting my laugh on now with Eddie Izzard. I did the incline treadmill for ten minutes and I plan do do another workout later. Aaaand the soup made comfy and sleepy. No alchie craves. I should know how to play the game when I do. There's always a meeting it seems from 6am to 1 am. There is one at a church I like in a few hours I may go to. Do you like my Hello Kitty bandage?

Smobergirl

Day three.

Feeling a little heavy after small sandwich. I also don't feel that my appetite is back. I haven't been eating too dense foods so that could be why. But I feel warm nonetheless. ;)

Morning. Groggy but it's the first in five days that I woke up before 11. I got up at 9, making progress. Had a handful of blueberries and looked out the window. Snow. And lots of it! I'm probably the only person that likes driving in it. I'm at Marmalade with an iced coffee and an egg, pesto, and English muffin sandwich. It's really beautiful out there today.

Better day.

99% of the anxiety is gone. I ate well today, lots of soup and a portobello 'burger' without the bun. I snacked on bleu cheese, spiced almonds, crusty bread (just a little), and cooked pears. I had a salad with ahi for dinner. Water: 2 liters. One iced coffee, 12 ounces. Exercise: 20 minutes easy yoga.

I met with my sponsor and she's a neat girl. Step one is to jot down how I felt physically and emotionally by drinking, and how it effected my job, friends, and family. It actually didn't effect my job until after I quit, well I should say I was just mean to them after I quit. I haven't effected my family with it, yet I have scared off a few friends and annoyed people, but not my really close buds. They are the empathetic and forgiving kind. You know physically and mentally it did the worst on me. Muscle tightness, headaches, sickness, loss of appetite, guilt, fear, and anxiety happened 9 times out of ten.

I am also subscribing to the about.com alcohol e-newsletter which is so informative. I think I can do this now that I have my AA bud and my new sponsor watching over me. That's what I wanted, some kind of guardians. I cannot nor think that most people can do something like this alone. And now I think I have the tools to get on with my dieting experiment. I heard a great quote recently, "It's not easy, but it's simple."

Love,

Smobergirl

Day two is done.

I am in my car nursing a bean burrito from Beto's. My sponsor sounds awesome and we are meeting tomorrow. It is so relieving to get empathy. Not too many people understand us. It's like a club. Ha ha. It's freezing, but so nice to breathe in the crisp air. I got out for a sec and took my coat off. I actually like this Lady Gaga song that's playing on BBC Radio 1. I love sattelite radio. I wish I was British. I think I'd fit in nicely in the UK. I have to thank Ames again for talking to me tonight. Talking to a friend from long ago is very comforting. I'm just trying not to be sad, like I said alchohol=depressant. Especially the day after. This too, will pass. Water-2 liters. Two iced coffees. Vegan breakfast. Leftovers for lunch. Burrito for dinner.

AA

Doing it. Found a sponsor, gonna do the steps. Without feeling like I have a disease though and believe that I can be happy and never go back.

Ill.

I just ate three cups of popcorn with olive oil, tamari, parmesan and brewer's yeast and 1/2 pint of frozen coconut dessert. I am sicker than a dog. Anything to not drink or smoke! Is this gonna suck? Am I just going to get fatter? Bitter? Okay I'm just having a moment. This is not easy. I am being distracted however with Adventureland and a sour stomach. Ha ha.

~Smobergirl

II

Can't sleep.

And Michael, I actually hugged myself minutes before I saw your comment! Synchronicity. I was in the recovery chat room, now I'm reading the AA book online. Here's an excerpt:

It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list.

Sounds familiar, then again I have good friends who love me and who are very worried and/or supportive. Speaking of coincidences, I heard on the radio Aaliyah's version of that "pick yourself up, dust yourself off" song. This usually happens after a relapse. I'll see something or hear a song that assures me that everything will be okay. Sigh I sure hope so. I have to do this so I can show you actual progress. I'm going public with my dependancy because I need all the help I can get. And I like to post pictures.

Love,

Smobergirl

Hopeful again.

Isn't this roller coaster fun? I found an AA chat room. They have a morning, noon, and night meeting every day, but people are in there all the time. Made Eva's brussels sprouts again and I think I'm getting closer. That, butter leaf salad with bleu cheese and pears, and popcorn was dinner. I wish I was Bruce Springsteen. I wish I could cure myself with the snap of my fingers. I wish I had a million dollars. I wish Barenaked Ladies wasn't sold out. I am thankful for all that I am and everything I have, and I want to stop being self-destructive. And I miss the cute biologist I dated in 2004. And I know I can find a cuter one. Or illustrator, or computer geek, or rocket scientist.

~Smobergirl

I.

I feel absolutely miserable. That's the effect of the day after drinking.

It's a crisp winter night that feels like fall in Provo. I was at a craft fair and it was very pleasant. It's funny that most of us don't think we are good enough. I know several artists who say they are not artists, a radio DJ who says he's the worst interviewer, musicians who beat themselves up if they forget lyrics that I don't catch. I feel plenty inadequate sometimes yet a lot of peeps look up to me, most even nervous around me, but that's only my DJ label, not me. I'm hardly scary. When I drink there's an inner annoying butch but that's not me, and problems don't get solved that way. Most of the time I really need a hug when people don't think I need one.

~Smobergirl
I.

The reason I have this blog is to prove that not only certain foods make you slimmer, but make you feel better and in turn treat others better. Alcohol makes me angry and depressed. They call it a toxin or "demon" or "poison" for a reason. I can't apologize enough for taunting the people I care for when I'm on it, especially my old boss right now. I wanted and thought I deserved more at that job, but that doesn't make me right. It was a tough job, when I never got a full time position I started judging myself. You can't let things like that affect your self esteem. But the new place I'm at is so different. I'm treated like a rock star there. It is a volunteer position, but I am loving it there. I notice a pattern when I drink I like to visit people who I think hurt me or ruined my life and rip them a new one. I need another game plan to let those pasts fade.

Thanks for reading.

~Smobergirl

Nice outfit!

They are hung up and ready for me to fit into them again one day. I didn't notice that they kinda look nicely together. The jeans were a present my mom found at TJ Maxx, Dolce and Gabbanas, pretty fancy. They didn't fit until I went to that yoga bootcamp, well they didn't fit even then although I lost a pant size. It wasn't until a year later I went gluten-free, that sure made me lose another size, and I wore the pants once. Then I went back to bread and pasta and I went up a little again. Then I ate cheese again and ate at restaurants that probably used a lot of oil and butter. Eateries are known to use three times more oil, butter, and salt than normal. The top, which I miss dearly, is a silky Diesel number I got on sale. The gray flowers are silk organza, and the men dug it. It's so soft and lovely. It used to fit, then two Summers ago I tried it on, and it squished my boobs so they looked square. Not pretty. Then that September I went to Portland, land of whole, local, sustainable food. Somehow I gained 5 pounds in 5 days there. Could be Voodoo Doughnuts, blue corn pancakes, and more wine in the hotel room instead of watching Everclear play acoustic in their hometown. More regrets and more weight. I don't have to tell you that drinking also leads to salt and crappy food cravings. I do my best here at home, but I was on vacation! And yes sometimes I have a little cheat food. Hmmm, like my weekly risotto and white crusty bread blue cheese spiced almond appetizer at Tin Angel. Damn, busted. However, now that I read Oprah's trainer's 'five bad foods' list and hung up the little clothes, I think things will be different. I had that soup and sammy today, then when I hung up the clothes on the door I only had a salad and quinoa mixed with my bs dish (brussels sprouts). for dinner I made a fresh mango, lime, satsuma, and blood orange tea smoothie. Remember the blood orange tea I had at Marmalade? Well I found some in bulk, and it is so delicious and packed with vitamin C. I got it online at Adagio teas. It's just dried blood oranges. I went to The Tea Grotto and they have a black tea version, but I wanted just the herbal tea. Tea Grotto in Sugarhouse has more than 100 teas and is the best. I have dried ginger, peppermint, chamomile, and lavender from there. I like to mix them up for different needs I have.

Well, I did well for my bod and mind today. Exercise: Total Body Sculpt With Gilad and 10 minutes sun salutations. Water: 2 liters. Iced coffee: 12 ounces.

~Smobergirl

Deux

Killing the monster.

Whew this kinda is really hard. That's why I haven't stuck with it since August 18! There is a holiday craft thing tonight that can keep me occupied though. Breathing, breathing. Drinking water. May go get an iced coffee to keep me occupied. I practiced guitar, and read about preemie babies for my class. Water is helping. Oh so that brussels sprouts dish, it's actually something I've never made, but that I'm trying to re-create from a local restaurant. I almost did it, but I think I didn't add enough cider vinegar. Still yummy. Yeah you can buy a whole freaking stalk of them at a produce market. Guess what I'll be making for the next two weeks? I heard that Barefoot Contessa has a good roasting recipe online.

Okay feeling better. Bath time then dinner, then craft fair.

Appreciate what I do have. That's what I'm going to do today. I have a stalk of Brussels sprouts I have to use soon, and my fav recipe is them thinly sliced with cider vinegar and toasted hazlenuts. I was going to get the hazelnuts, but instead I think I'll use the walnuts I have. Remember how I raved about toasting those? Then after studying ang guitar I think I'll go through my closet and see what I haven't worn in a year. Then I'll hang those skinny designer jeans up and that silk top where I can see them for inspiration. Then I'll tattoo Obama's "Change" on my forhead. Or just write it on my bathroom mirror. Then French films tonight with crack popcorn I'll dodge again from the cat.

It's a happy smober day, but I haven't been up long and so far it's a typical day two morning. I'm a little sleepy, my eyes are watering profusely, and I'm a little phlegmy. But I am cleaning up for the last time. I just have to promise you that. I'm making goals. I have a pair of D&G jeans that I fit one time a few years ago, and a favorite silk top that I have to squeeze into. I read a site online with Opra's trainer who listed 5 foods to avoid. Alcohol was one of them! Also white bread, soda, trans fats, and fried foods. I happened to have 1/4 of the baguette (white) from my snadwich today, and falafel (fried) yesterday. There are plenty of delicious alternatives that can make me healthier. Other than that and the wine I'm doing pretty well. I'm eating more soup now that it's getting colder. I just avoid cream soups. So, I am going to get on the treadmill and do Gilad. Then practice the geetar and study. Then I'll go back to the French films.

A tout alours!

~Smobergirl

I will post the picture of the beautiful ravioli dish I had at Tipica when I get home. Had a nice lazy day, maybe too lazy. Rented 2 French films recommended by handsome Tower Theater guy and started on "The Double Life of Veronique". Now it's local band time then sleeping like a baby. Bon Nuit!
~Smobergirl
Un.

OMG!

The best thing I've discovered since the hot biologist I dated in 2004, TOASTED WALNUTS. I made that pear walnut salad for Thanksgiving with the nuts raw, then I looked at the recipe again and it said to put them in a 400 degree oven for four minutes. So today I did and it's like night and day. Try it! I added pomegranate seeds to this one. Yeah that's bleu cheese. Hey, I had some left over! ;) For breakfast earlier I went to a vegan diner and had a black bean burrito. Now I air-popped popcorn from my "Yard of Popcorn" I got at World Market and did the Bragg's aminos and nutritional yeast mix on it. Did I tell you nutritional yeast is like crack to my cat? I can't have a bowl of popcorn with out him trying to put his face in it. So I looked up "my cat loves nutritional yeast" and according to several sites, it's not only good for him, but there are yeast tablets for pets. It repels fleas and is high in vitamin B, and it's good for their coats. Score. So I'm letting cat lick the bowl. Maybe I should still call the vet, just in case.