Dessert: 1/2 pistachio and 1/2 Baci gelato. I'm not going to smile and hide it, I still feel bad. I feel bad for the last five years since I've been Jeckyll and Hyde. I don't want to he rude to anyone. No one owes me anything and I don't want to play victim anymore. I don't want to blackout and wonder what I did. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. Will little miricales and good karma happen if I stay clean? I'm not at all a sucidal person, but I just wanted to disappear today, just fade out. But the cool bizaare thing that happened to me is the connections I'm having. I met a girl from AA for coffee tonight who works at the paper who took out a regular article I was freelancing. I told her the editor was a victim of one of my drunken emails, again a "how dare you" and playing the victim and being rude. I stopped going to places that the editor hung out out of fear. This is what alcohol does to me. I used to think I was this dumb kid and it went through my adulthood, but actually I'm one of the smartest people I know. And I know exactly what I am doing. Kids and teachers and parents can either build your confidence or really screw you up. I just wish we were more educated about that. I am finally learning to dig myself out of that hole. And gelato does have some anti-depressant qualities. ;)
Namaste,
Smobergirl
It's interesting that you mention Jekyll and Hyde. This summer I wondered if that story was really about a man's struggle with alcohol or drug addiction, so I re-read it with that slant. On the surface, it certainly could be interpreted that way, but R. L. Stevenson went much deeper than that and addressed the reasons behind addiction. Dr. Jekyll intentionally set out to make a potion which would separate his good and evil selves into two separate beings because he no longer wanted to be "exposed to disgrace and penitence by the hands of this extraneous evil".
ReplyDeleteIn the end, ironically, Hyde takes over completely. Let's hope that's Stevenson's conclusion solely for dramatic effect, and not based on
immutable realities.
Dr. Jekyll didn't have the benefit of AA - and he didn't reach out to his friends for help either.
The sun also rises...
you are awesome, I thank you for being honest and helping me in many ways.....keep your head held high and keep being you!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you both!
ReplyDelete