Happiness.

I will try to stick to the food/mood connection and my smobriety adventures on this blog. Maybe I just don't understand racism and maybe for a pampered white girl like me it's easy to preach.

The cantaloupe (I cantaloupe) is cheap right now and great with lime juice or in a smoothie with blackberries! Both perked me up. Fruit (and back to Antabuse) is my savior. When I cut into a pineapple or lime it's instant Prozac. And I keep reading that citrus is a natural anti-depressant. I have to have fruit at least once a day.

I forgot how to take care of myself. I was beating myself up and stressing about teaching yoga! What a paradox. I also had to get back on Antabuse for my brain was doing junkie thinking. Perhaps it will go away but I have been so lonely. I'm going through this 'dating buffet' (ask my famous psychic friend) meeting guys who aren't emotionally ready for me to date, like the guy getting a divorce, guys half my age, a man who constantly talks about his exes, you get the idea. However at least I'm dating, and not taking the faults seriously. Hey I'm not perfect either trying to get over the wino thing. But hell I'm doing it! ONE YEAR on the 17th. Woah. It's been a ride but is it a year already? Crazy! Maybe I can do this. My advice to you is change your lifestyle. I have to run, dance, lift weights, do yoga, watch Gilad, and eat well to want to stay off the wine and cigs. I absolutely have to, that's my motivation right there. You know what I heard in the yoga studio last Friday? This from a cute girl talking to another: "He went back to drinking and gained 30 pounds, and he looks so much older." Sounds like someone I know, but who did the exact opposite. :) I continue to get "wow" compliments and why am I sad about feeling lonely? One friend yesterday even said it was fun to witness my physical transformation. People notice. I sent my mother a photo of me in front of one of my paintings, and she said it didn't even look like me. I did darken my hair too which was a bit of a drastic change. I notice my shoulders are more cut too from lifting. I also started one of five pilates reformer classes and it's hard! But I had fun. It was a Groupon deal. Those are cool because you pay in advance and feel like you have to go to the classes. I still have five more Zumba classes from Living Social Deals. It's a great way to get in shape. That's another thing, when I'm don't have a cigarette and wine hangover in the morning, the first thing I want to do (iced coffee lol) is work out. When I'm hungover, forget about it.

Life just keeps getting better and better. Holy crap one year already. Like I said the first three months were grueling and painfully slow. Then after month six time just flew by. I think smoking is absolutely disgusting, but I still think I have to have them when I want wine. I conditioned my self on that one. When I have just one glass I get tired. I think that says something too. Speaking of tired I got some melatonin to help me sleep. That's a problem I've had all year, no wine to knock me out. The hot baths are helpful and I dated someone in 2004 who swore my melatonin. I miss him. But I love my life and things are going very well. I just need an attitude adjustment with not freaking out about this yoga teaching thing. I have to go back to doing what I love to do. So for my next class this Friday I'm doing a restore class. It's relaxing poses I like, and I think I'll have a hip opener/twists theme. Teachers tell me that we hold a lot of emotions in our hips, and wringing out our spines can let out a bunch of 'stuff'. There have been several classes where I cry like crazy afterwards, or in savasana when the tears just come up. Crazy. That's my testimony. And you know what? I am an artist. After teaching and crying all I wanted to do was paint. You know classical guitar does the same thing. I'm almost done with my three "My Generation" paintings for a cool event tomorrow. I finished my emo owl which is stinking cute; an owl on a house in a flood with butterflies coming out of the chimney, also adorable; and a facebook/Apple App/Twitter tree which I'm pretty danged proud of. That's what gets my juices flowing, making art. That's when I love being alone. It's just me and the materials. Is it sad to say that with yoga I'd rather be taking the classes? I'll let you know how the restore class goes. But maybe that's me. I rather create something then show it, like a radio commercial, than be live on the air. Hmmm. However I do like to play music I like and that gets me 1000 times more relaxed than going by a playlist, because I'm actually choosing the music and enjoying myself.

I can't change the world but I can start with myself, and in a year I've done pretty gosh darn good.

Love,

Smobergirl

Day 357